Hello,
I'm a guy from Brazil and I would like to talk and discuss about transition with you. First of all, English isn't my native language, so, sorry if I sound awkward sometimes, or if I say something wrong... You can always correct me.
Talking a bit about me... Since my early childhood memories, I always felt like a man inside. Time passed by and puberty came, and in my mind the only things that I thought was that "I want to cut out this ->-bleeped-<-#ng breasts!", and after this I started to hide my body with large clothes. So, my family started to think that I would be a lesbian, but I always felt attracted to men.
After more time, I realized that I was feeling more and more attracted to gay men, to "the gay world", etc, but everything was so confusing, I didn't had an "answer" to my feelings.
In the middle of 2008 I found in a brazilian website, out of random, an article about Buck Angel. That was mind-blowing! Why, after seeing so many crossdressers and transwomen in TV as a kid, I never thought that the opposite should be possible?! Why...
Then I started to search and learn about ftm transition, to watch so many videos in youtube, so many stories, and read about the treatment.
Also I had my "answer": gender and "orientation" are distinctly things.
I always felt as a gay man inside.
Since 2008 I thought so many things, and, well, I have a boyfriend for almost 7 years (we plan to marry someday), and at that time, I didn't know how to tell him. He always knew that I loved gay related things, and he always saw that I was a masculine person. So, after a year dealing with the feelings inside, I told him everything in 2009.
At first, he was "sad" (not the best word to describe, but...) because I didn't trusted in him and I omitted my feelings from him, and after, he said that nothing was really new to him, and that he always imagined that I felt something like this. I was really... surprised.
He was always a supportive person, and after this he started to give me underwears, boxers and calling me by male adjectives sometimes ^_^# But about transition, he said at that time that, yes, he would supports me and stays with me forever, but he only worries about my health, about something "cutting" my skin, about the side effects from T, that kind of thing. I really understand him, and I also feel this kind of "doubt".
I also fear harassment, and it would be double. Being trans and being a gay man. I also fear the harassment that my boyfriend would pass for being with someone like me. The family, the society, everthing... I really hate me, I should be dead.
Well, being obvious, we're in 2012. Four years since I "discovered" everything. And I still have my fears about transition, but maybe I can't stand anymore. Now, I'm almost 24, and I started at my university the History course ^^ And at least I'm happy with this. I want to be a teacher in the future and work with culture. My university is a public one supported by our federation, and then, I was in a social assistance, and they gave me the pass to start with their subsidies a particular treatment with a therapist.
I don't like therapists, but maybe I need it, somehow. I started my sections in the last week, I told about my issues and my therapist was kinda... interested at first sight? Well now I will see how things will go...
In any case, where I live is one of the first states in our country to offer free and public treatment to transpeople (I live in "Rio Grande do Sul" trans. "Great Lake of South" ? XD,
a State that is on the border with Uruguay, colonized by European people, so... here is the weather is colder at least, and not the tropical one as foreign people would imagine ^^"). We have a program since the 90's in our largest public hospital from the university that I study that give all the treatment. The opportunity exists. (And at least now the gay people can legally "marry" here)
But still, I really "fear" (maybe it's not the best word to describe it) the process and its consequences, I don't know...
For last, I would like to say that I really like History, Arts, Biology, Japanese culture, music, the 80's stuff, some anime and manga, etc.
Well, sorry about talking and writing so much (and maybe some bad English)!
(About the emoticons, I know that they could annoy some people, like in 4chan, and sometimes it even annoys me, I never use it, but today I feel like using)
