I was having one of those deep type of conversions with a close friend of mine the other night. One of the things we both have in common is "body issues" (for lack of a better phrase). The kind of issues that you know, consciously, in your logical mind that they shouldn't have a hold over you like they do, but they still do. This person knows all about me and my issues and has said many times to me that she doesn't care at all what my body is like, that she loves and accepts me, yet I still struggle with hating parts of myself.
I have partially functioning internal female parts and when I was in my early 20's I was scared into visiting the gyno doctor, mostly because I'm a hypochondriac anyway and felt that if I didn't go I'd surly have some dire disease going on with the stuff. This single doctor visit stands out in my mind as the most humiliating, vile, experience I've ever had in my life. My friend really couldn't even comprehend this, especially knowing some other things that have happened to me that most would consider humiliating experiences. She also didn't understand why it was "so bad" because, as a female, she's had to deal with "girly doctor" visits for years and finds them to be "not a big deal". The first thought that popped into my mind about this was simply, wow, actual women are so conditioned to just going through that whole procedure that's become not a big deal to them. To me however, it was just so very wrong. I seriously wanted to not even live if it meant having to go through that again and again and again for most of my life. I spent weeks after the incident just breaking down in tears about it when I was by myself. I really don't care what anyone says, the whole thing is designed to be humiliating. The way you have to lay there, everything. When your brain can not even comprehend that you have those parts to begin with it's just all kinds of wrong. It's like waking up to a nightmare where you're not in your body - you're in someone else's body.
Nevertheless, my friend just wasn't understanding why that one experience bothered me so much. So I thought I'd explain it to her like this ....
Imagine one day you wake up and have a dick - just a dick and no other male parts. Think about what would happen in your mind. You would immediately think, wtf that's not supposed to be there! You might experience panic when reality sets in that it's really there ... that's your reality now, it's not going away. But you're a female, you say to yourself. You keep asking yourself over and over again how this could be. How can you have this part when that's not how it's supposed to be. Your mind knows this is very, very wrong. Then imagine that you have to continue to live your life and not tell anyone, or if you decide to do something about it, then everyone will know and your whole life will change.
And then I explained that with one small twist you'd have my life .... Imagine you end up having tits and mostly female parts but that's not how it's supposed to be ... those aren't supposed to be there! You experience all manner of emotions - depression, anxiety, panic, even suicidal thoughts because you can't deal with that reality that those parts are really there. Your brain defiantly declares to your conscious mind that is not correct. You ask yourself for years how could this be? How could you be born like this? Imagine that the male parts of you aren't enough to have the world see you as male.
Some people may think I'm totally nuts for not transitioning after finding out what kind of torment I've put myself through over the past 20 some years. My main problem is my brain though. I'm one of those people who just isn't cool with the fact that I'll never have the proper functioning parts that people born as perfectly male have. I've been through therapists, doctors and a whole bunch of close friends in my life who tell me that I just need to get over that to be happy. If I can just bring myself to let go of that notion that it really doesn't matter if I don't have the perfect male body.
I've had some personal break thoughs in the last 5 years or so. I've always been one of those types who truly believe in the phrase, "I reject your reality and substitute my own!" and survived to be sitting her typing now simply through the use of my imagination (hey, everything can be absolutely perfect in your imagination after all). That's one thing no one can take away from me. All the diagnosis, labels, "lifestyle choices", whatever can't tell me how I identify in my mind. I realized it's not the hormones I need, or the therapy, or a "transition", it's finding a personal comfort zone and getting over my body issues. I've experimented a lot with what gets me closer to the comfort zone and I started from the outside in - that is, outward appearance. So hair and clothes I've done a lot of sampling as to what makes me feel good. I think I've got a good handle on that. I'm very confidant in other areas of my life ... career, talents, that sort of thing. I've kind of ignored the body stuff, that nitty-gritty brass tacks stuff where all my "hot buttons" lie because so far, I have no had success with fully overcoming them. Thing is though, that's that hard reality type of stuff too. That's the stuff that, for the most part, I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. I can live with people seeing me as androgynous or even the female pronouns (even though I don't like them, they're not my major issue because there are people in my life who see the real me and treat me accordingly) but this body stuff I need to find a way around because I'm sick of having these relapses where I revisit all this and start to hate my body again.
I don't even know if anyone could even relate ... maybe to some things but not others. I imagine even guys who DO transition still have to deal with that "it will never be perfect" thing. How do you do it? How do you get around that and be happy with what you've got instead of what you think you should have? I'm open to suggestions because I'm pretty done with going to therapists about it and coming out worse than I went in. I don't have a desire to transition. I even have people in my life who accept me as-is. My life is really fine as long as I don't think too hard about the body issues and dysphoria I have. But just because I've made the choice not to transition, doesn't mean I still don't deal with the same types of things.
