The Young Shy Sweet Butch Lesbian Boy-Man Woman with Facial Hair

[sysm29]

I have no idea what the f**k I am right now.  That's where I am in the transition.  Anyone that's been there?

I've begun to see a woman in the mirror and I've been gendered as female when out in public.

I'm 26 and the estrogen is making me look a little bit younger.  I'm kinda in that boy/woman phase.

I have short hair.  My facial hair is visible after about a day of shaving it.  I'm working on the laser but there are financial issues.

I'm 5'10 with a lean build.  When I walk around in a guys T-shirt, jeans, and guys sneakers I feel like a butch lesbian woman/gay boy. 

Genderwise I'm a f**king mess which makes social situations very awkward.

I'm 3 months past facial feminization surgery.

So the summer sucks because women show a lot of skin in these months and I can't.  I have body hair everywhere, a pasty ghost-white back, chest, midsection and legs (none of which would look very good in summer clothes), I have no body to speak of (no breasts, no hips, no ass), I've got long meaty legs (like soccer player guy legs), and big feet.

I can't do the petite summer girl thing which I want to do sooo badly - a ponytail, a pair of aviator sunglasses, and a cute little sundress.

I've seen so many ponytails lately I want to just rip them off of the next jogging girl I see in the park and say, "It's mine!"

I'm acting like a teenage girl now ALL THE TIME.  If there's a pretty girl around, I get very jealous of her, particularly her body.

I feel like a pre-pubscent 10 year old tomboy staring at all these college-age girls wishing I had their fantastic breasts, their amazing tan bodies, their beautiful figures...

then I see the guys and I drool over them.  Shirtless studly guys my age walking their golden retrievers in the park.  Hunky muscular beefcake jogging, sweating, running... it's all making me go insane inside... Oddly enough the sex drive is very low but my sexual desires are still there.  There's nothing happening downstairs anymore.  Every once and a while an erection, but usually when I wake up.  The edge and the horniness is gone, but I still desperately want to experience what the other 26 year old women are experiencing.

I just feel so stagnated right now.  When do I get out of this?

I'm also EXTREMELY LONELY.  When anyone smiles at me, it makes me feel on top of the world.  When anyone talks to me, I feel like I'm on another planet.  The social interactions are so few and far between.

I'd like to think that next summer I will be a little bit closer to my goal:

- Hair down to my shoulders so I can put it up
- A face that no longer has any remnants of facial hair or five o'clock shadow (this will require a series of laser treatments)
- A body thats pretty much hairless
- Enough breasts or the illusion of breasts so I can wear a bra or a camisole
- Legs that are hairless
- Better tanning skills
- Better makeup skills
- Confidence wearing female shoes out in public

I think the fall and the winter are going to be very important building blocks for me.

The hardest thing about the transition is just how very long it actually takes, especially when you don't have the resources, the money, the education...

Being Italian and having hair all over my body also sucks.

I never realized once I got into it how much maintenance it was going to take. 

It sounds so easy in the beginning.  "Oh I'll just grow out my hair and I'll put on a dress and everything will be a dream come true."

I just want to have it all done.  I just want to live my life.  I'm 26 years old.  When am I going to start living?!

[Jamie D]

Be patient, sysm29. Your post lists a whole bunch of positive things in your transition.  You should be really proud of yourself.  And you have scads of achievable goals.

Things just take time.  Especially hair.

(BTW -I edited out an F-bomb)

[Siobhan]

Just hang on in there!
Thats what im trying to do anyway
Its awesome you've been gendered female, I've never had that.. one day maybe!

[crazy old bat]

Darn it, I typed a reply and then it went somewhere because this site is apparently busy, probably with more lurking than participation.

anyway...

welcome to the lovely world of in-between!  Its a pain, but quite necessary to get to where you're going. You'll get through it if you keep at it. 

[Noelle]

I've seen so many ponytails lately I want to just rip them off of the next jogging girl I see in the park and say, "It's mine!"

hahaha i rofl.. ty for that.

[Fairygirl1216]

I'm currently in the time of confusing people all the time, I just kinda give off an androgynous look so don't feel rushed. This is a process that takes years to complete and some people are just really seem to take a person as pieces instead of a whole person.

[jainie marlena]

I'm with you. Feel the same in many ways. I feel lonely. I have no one to group with here. I wear what I want but so what. I have a ponytail so what. I look like a woman to some. I look like a man to others some don't know what i am. summer is hard for me same reason as you. showing skin. at least one person thought that I was just a woman into working out. I have lost a lot of muscle mass but I have kept the ripped muscle look to my body. boops are in but very small. I still have facial hair which sucks but it has slowed down in growth. I keep in mind what most here say to me through this time and keep moving forward. it is all that can be done. Winter will be here for to long and I wil pass more and feel better about myself again.

[justmeinoz]

Tans ore so 20th Century here now.  We are all terrified of skin cancer, so 'pasty' is the new 'tanned.'  You lot will catch up eventually.  Seriously though, laser does help a lot.  I had about 6 sessions on my face, and will eventually get around to having electro on the grey and white ones that are left.  I have also had laser on my stomach , chest and lower back, which have worked pretty well.  I just shave the rest, including my legs.  Over summer I generally get a couple of leg waxes too. 
You are within the normal height range for women, and a lean build helps too. How long have you been on HRT?  I takes a while to achieve a noticeable difference, without taking photos for comparison every couple of months.  By the time you have achieved some of the things on your list the boobage should be more apparent. 
You and Jainie have a big family here,  so you are never alone.  There is always someone on pretty much 24/7 as we are spread all over the globe, so post away. 

Karen.

[bullwinklle]

The between genders phase can be really rough to navigate. If it is any consolation, things do get easier as you move further along, and at least you know that this phase won't last forever.

You may find it helpful to have some short-term, simple goals to pursue while you are working on all of the long-term goals. Having something to focus on and care about in the meantime can help to reduce the feelings of stagnation.

As your finances and time allow, you can incorporate more and more feminine attributes into your life and start moving away from the androgynous.  Before you know it, you'll be rocking that ponytail and sundress. These experiences that you are pining for: they will come in time, and they will have been worth the struggle.

For now, take on what you can in baby steps, and let the long-term things happen in the background. Like for starters, stop thinking of yourself as "The Young Shy Sweet Butch Lesbian Boy-Man Woman with Facial Hair" and start thinking of yourself as a girl or woman. It seems silly, but it might help your outlook and help you look forward past this difficult time.

Being social during this phase I found difficult. Honestly, I purposely avoided being social as I really didn't want to meet people while I was in between genders, and have to explain that I was transitioning. People who knew me pre-transition became my social outlets, and while that was infrequent,  that was enough to carry me through the in between stage. Do you have people like that in your life who could serve as social outlets? Or maybe you can find a venue where you can be social without your gender presentation being a big issue (like a volunteer gig or something where you deal with the public in a non-committal fashion (e.g. online chat rooms, a part-time job, tutoring kids)?

Sure, transitioning is a lot of maintenance and a lot of struggle. But it's your life: isn't that worth it? Hang in there!

[ElusiveAppellation]

Since I've not transitioned myself, I don't have the benefit of first-hand experience. However, it seems to me like you should try and focus on the signs of progress you're already experiencing, such as beginning to see a woman in the mirror and being gendered as female when out in public, and look forward to measurable signs of progress. Setting smaller, more easily achievable goals is a good way to go about any project-- trying to do everything all at once can induce panic and anxiety.

I guess what I'm saying might come across as not very useful, or beside the point, but if were to sum it up... just take things as come, little by little. As you achieve small, measurable goals, you're going to feel better about both the situation and yourself.