"late onset" ftm?

[Edge]

Hey. Is there anyone here who is a "late onset" ftm (aka realized it in his twenties as opposed to knowing since childhood)? If so, would you mind sharing your experiences especially when you first realized you were male?

[_Jack_]

Hey

This pretty much sums up my experience of realisation:

I've only realised in the past year and a half that I'm male. I was previously so immersed in the 'lesbian culture' that I really couldn't see past my own nose. So, when I eventually came across the ftm term, I was shocked because I jsut genuinely didn't realise that there were female to male transgendered individuals, and this will sound stupid, but all I was exposed to when I was growing up was seeing men transitioning to females, so hell, I didn't even think ftms existed! Ha, how silly is that?!

So yeah, when I came across the ftm term, everything clicked. Everything just fell into place and I knew. I just knew that, it applied to me. When I look back over my childhood, there are so many tell tale signs! I played as a boy, I hated my body growing up, heck, I even thought I was biologically a boy for a while, until I found out that I was missing parts.

I feel as if, when people immerse themselves into fitting into a category, you pretty much put everything into it because, in all honesty, it's great to feel like you're part of a group, but when you get stuck in trying to be like everyone else, you lose sight of yourself. You've become a mass produced individual and it's hard to see out with that. So, when I did realise, I remember feeling very shocked, like, omg, why didn't I realise this before!? lol.

[Darrin Scott]

I didn't realize and transition until 25. Way past the age of some here. Some are completely done with transitioning by that age. I think for me, I didn't know transition was an option for me until then. I thought only transwomen could transition. Like others, I came out as a lesbian first and realized that label didn't quite fit me. Since transitioning (or starting the process with HRT) I've realized that I'm much happier and more confident. Sometimes for people it is a process rather than a realization as a child. I used to struggle with the whole "trans* enough" thing, but I realized that it really doesn't matter WHEN I realized I was trans*. The important thing is, I did and I'm much happier now. Better late then never!

[sneakersjay]

Late onset 20s?  LOL, try late 40s.

It's not that I didn't know, I always felt male.  It's just that I didn't know what I'd always felt meant I was trans and that I could actually do something about it until my late 40s.

Now just a regular guy and happy, for once.


Jay

[Jesse7]

I've always known.


I am not speaking to anyone specifically here, but I don't understand how you could not know.
I don't see how discovering that transition is possible, or that there are others, should have any impact on how you identify.

I always had a very strong sense that there was a gender mismatch. That I had a males brain with a females body. For awhile I thought I was the only FTM since all I heard about were MTFs. It wasn't until I was 13 that I found out there were other FTMs and transition was possible. I certainly did not discover that I was male then, I was just relived that some day I could transition.

[Robert Scott]

I am with Jay ... around my mid 30's

Jesse -- -keep in mind we grew up in a different era --- I didn't even know what transgender was until my mid 20's when I moved to California -- I was brought up in Kansas.

My parents were very liberal in a lot of ways.  I was allowed to dress and act how I wanted.  Once I was old enough to speak my mind I never wore a dress again except to prom.  I played with boys -- went camping -- had a boys bike.  In a sense my parents didn't really treat me any differently than my brothers.  I had cars to play with and my younger brother had dolls.  In other ways though they were gender conforming - I wasn't allowed to pump gas or run around without a t-shirt on. 

Since I was allowed to be myself I was just a masculine female.

[AdamMLP]

I am not speaking to anyone specifically here, but I don't understand how you could not know.
I don't see how discovering that transition is possible, or that there are others, should have any impact on how you identify.

I always had a very strong sense that there was a gender mismatch. That I had a males brain with a females body. For awhile I thought I was the only FTM since all I heard about were MTFs. It wasn't until I was 13 that I found out there were other FTMs and transition was possible. I certainly did not discover that I was male then, I was just relived that some day I could transition.

I'm not "late onset" or anything (I discovered FTMs properly just before my 15th birthday) but I can kind of see why people don't realise until they find about FTMs and transition being possible.  Until I found out about it I didn't really understand how I was feeling, or how different it was to how girls feel.  I just thought that I was weird, had absolutely no fashion sense and it was just because I didn't fit in with any of the girls.  It was only when I discovered FTMs properly that it all clicked and I realised that this was what I really wanted, the reason I used to stand in front of a mirror stretching my arms out so I could kid myself that I wasn't developing breasts, why I always did "boy things" and why I was always jealous of guys haircuts and bodies although I didn't find them sexually attractive.

[Jesse7]

I am with Jay ... around my mid 30's

Jesse -- -keep in mind we grew up in a different era --- I didn't even know what transgender was until my mid 20's when I moved to California -- I was brought up in Kansas.

My parents were very liberal in a lot of ways.  I was allowed to dress and act how I wanted.  Once I was old enough to speak my mind I never wore a dress again except to prom.  I played with boys -- went camping -- had a boys bike.  In a sense my parents didn't really treat me any differently than my brothers.  I had cars to play with and my younger brother had dolls.  In other ways though they were gender conforming - I wasn't allowed to pump gas or run around without a t-shirt on. 

Since I was allowed to be myself I was just a masculine female.

I think being raised in an earlier decade would have made my feelings stronger, since it would be harder for me to express my masculinity.
I was raised by my grandparents and while things have changed over the years, my grandmother and even my mother act like feminism never happened.
As a child when they decided that I couldn't do anything unless they decided it was feminine enough, it made my feelings stronger. When they ignored my existence my dysphoria lessened.

[Jesse7]

I'm not "late onset" or anything (I discovered FTMs properly just before my 15th birthday) but I can kind of see why people don't realise until they find about FTMs and transition being possible.  Until I found out about it I didn't really understand how I was feeling, or how different it was to how girls feel.  I just thought that I was weird, had absolutely no fashion sense and it was just because I didn't fit in with any of the girls.  It was only when I discovered FTMs properly that it all clicked and I realised that this was what I really wanted, the reason I used to stand in front of a mirror stretching my arms out so I could kid myself that I wasn't developing breasts, why I always did "boy things" and why I was always jealous of guys haircuts and bodies although I didn't find them sexually attractive.

I always assumed I was different, that no one else experienced what I was going though. I did read another FTMs post on livejournal years ago that when he was a kid he thought all women hated being women and that this was normal, it wasn't until he realized that isn't normal that he discovered he was trans. I can understand that.

[Darrin Scott]

I've always known.


I am not speaking to anyone specifically here, but I don't understand how you could not know.
I don't see how discovering that transition is possible, or that there are others, should have any impact on how you identify.

I always had a very strong sense that there was a gender mismatch. That I had a males brain with a females body. For awhile I thought I was the only FTM since all I heard about were MTFs. It wasn't until I was 13 that I found out there were other FTMs and transition was possible. I certainly did not discover that I was male then, I was just relived that some day I could transition.

What I don' like about comments like this is it perpetuates that EVERYONE should always know at all times and in my opinion, enforces the typical trans story of "I was born in the wrong body and I've always known that" which is fine in and of itself, but dangerous as well because it erases people like me. Not everyone feels that way 100% of the time. That's ok that you feel/felt that way growing up and now and is 100% valid, but please be aware that my story is too and there is more than 1 way to be trans* and more than 1 way to come to that conclusion.

[Jesse7]

Something I want to mention.

Over the years I've heard a lot of FTMs say things like...
'I've always known I was a boy because I hate pink, love video games, love dinosaurs, like short hair, refused to wear a dress, hated puberty.....'

Things like clothes, colors, hair, are completely cultural and shouldn't be used to affirm gender.
While there are brain differences in men and women that seem to influence what is masculine and feminine across cultures and time periods, I don't think likes and dislikes affirm gender either.
It is common for cis people to be unhappy with the changes puberty brings and even spur dysphoria. Many cis men and cis women are never comfortable with their bodies.
I remember in elementary school informing a boy that girls rooms don't have urinals because girls don't have penises and have to sit to pee. This was news to him. Everyone had to use the girls room because of pluming issues.

People want some sort of proof to validate their gender identity, but I don't think you can find it somewhere besides in yourself.

[Jesse7]

What I don' like about comments like this is it perpetuates that EVERYONE should always know at all times and in my opinion, enforces the typical trans story of "I was born in the wrong body and I've always known that" which is fine in and of itself, but dangerous as well because it erases people like me. Not everyone feels that way 100% of the time. That's ok that you feel/felt that way growing up and now and is 100% valid, but please be aware that my story is too and there is more than 1 way to be trans* and more than 1 way to come to that conclusion.

Trans is a broad term and includes those who identify outside of male or female.
With infinite ways to identify, there would be infinite ways to be trans.
If you are somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum I can see how there would be a ton of confusion.

[Darrin Scott]

Trans is a broad term and includes those who identify outside of male or female.
With infinite ways to identify, there would be infinite ways to be trans.
If you are somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum I can see how there would be a ton of confusion.

But I'm not confused and I'm not in the middle. I'm male....

[Jesse7]

But I'm not confused and I'm not in the middle. I'm male....

I thought you were saying that you didn't feel that way 100% of the time. 

[Robert Scott]

Bear in mind too --- when I was growing up there was no internet -- that didn't everyday useage for folks until I was out of college.  My knowlwedge of the world and difference was found in schools, tv and newspapers.   I didn't meet or know about transgender until I was out of college and living in college.  I was 27 by then. 

[Darrin Scott]

I thought you were saying that you didn't feel that way 100% of the time. 

No, no. I do feel that way 100% of the time. I just didn't realize anything until I was 25. But I identify as male 100% of the time.

[aleon515]

Let's just say I'm the oldest one here. Anyway, I wouldn't say I never knew something was up, as I told my parents at 7 that I was a boy (and so on). But I started having this gender issue about 3-4 months ago. It's strange having an identity crisis at my age.

The director at the trans center said he knew someone who was mtf and was 72.
I guess there is no age limit for this.

--Jay Jay

[sneakersjay]

I've always known.


I am not speaking to anyone specifically here, but I don't understand how you could not know.
I don't see how discovering that transition is possible, or that there are others, should have any impact on how you identify.

I always had a very strong sense that there was a gender mismatch. That I had a males brain with a females body. For awhile I thought I was the only FTM since all I heard about were MTFs. It wasn't until I was 13 that I found out there were other FTMs and transition was possible. I certainly did not discover that I was male then, I was just relived that some day I could transition.

Back in the 60s when I was a kid, if you were a girl (assigned female at birth) and liked sports or cars or frogs or other traditional boy things, and were happy to be dirty with skinned knees, let puppies kiss you, etc, you were called a tomboy.  So even though I felt male, physically I knew my body was female, my family called me a tomboy, my sister was a tomboy (though she was not trans, nor gay).

Transgender, the term, or trans people were not something you saw, heard about, nor read about. And if you did, it was male-to-female and they were made out to be creepy perverts and terrible crossdressers.  Not someone you could identify with, nor did you want the stigma associated with that.  I admire those that transitioned in the 60s.  Not that it is easy to transition now, but it definitely was much more difficult then.

Jay

[PrincessKnight]

What I don' like about comments like this is it perpetuates that EVERYONE should always know at all times and in my opinion, enforces the typical trans story of "I was born in the wrong body and I've always known that" which is fine in and of itself, but dangerous as well because it erases people like me. Not everyone feels that way 100% of the time. That's ok that you feel/felt that way growing up and now and is 100% valid, but please be aware that my story is too and there is more than 1 way to be trans* and more than 1 way to come to that conclusion.

This is how I feel. I didn't think as a child that I was a girl. I liked girly things and boyish things (which, it warrants repeating, doesn't necesarrily indicate gender), but I never really thought of myself as anything. I mean, I've always hated things about me that were masculine- especiallly the stuff that happens after puberty- but It's not until after my 23rd birthday that I started to consider that I might be trans. That's when I started piecing together all these things that made me feel like I shouldn't be male.

[Edge]

Of course, no one can understand how another person with different experiences can be affected exactly, but some people choose to be open to learning and some people don't. The people who don't are not worth anyone's time.

I have no idea why this is happening. Maybe it's because I'm fluid (but I am still male and, if anyone says differently, they can *self censored for potty mouth*). Maybe it's because I feel disconnected from my body and felt/feel uncomfortable with it for other reasons. It may be because I've been told I'm a girl the past twenty four years, been sneered at for being "girly," raised without gender roles (has caused me to think I'm stupid for wanting to be male since I was taught there is no difference), look like a girl, it's a well known fact to me and everyone I grew up with that I am very weird and I wrote it off as just me being weird again, and I struggle with believing the validity of feelings since I've been conditioned to think my feelings are stupid.