What Makes (or Made) You Feel Like You Weren't Trans/Shouldn't Transition?

[JohnnieRamona]

This is a question for everyone- trans men, trans women, everyone: What things about yourself make (or made) made you feel like you weren't trans and/or shouldn't transition? Today I'm 100% sure that what I want is to become a woman, but for a long time there were a lot of things about me that didn't fit the "transgender script" that I had in my head- and I thought that meant I  wasn't "really" trans. It took a lot of therapy for me to move beyond that mindset (and Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl helped me out as well). Here's some of the things that tripped me up:

-I didn't KNOW I wanted to be a girl from age 4 or 5 (I didn't know FOR SURE I wanted to transition until about 8 years ago).
-I wasn't obviously feminine as a child (though I wasn't super-duper macho either).
-I was (and am) interested in a lot of "male" things like football, sci-fi movies, video games.
-I was/am attracted primarily to women and enjoy having penetrative sex with them.
-I don't want to be overly "girly" after I transition.

Those were my hang-ups.. anyone else in similar circumstances? Or just want to share their stories?

[Adam (birkin)]

I was (and sometimes still am) a little hung up on just my attitudes towards certain things. They don't fit a male stereotype. I'm really sensitive, and expressive. I'm also relatively clean and want to stay that way, lol. But I try to remind myself that all men are different, and that the world needs more sensitive guys. In the same way, the world needs some more masculine women, so if you know you're a girl don't let any of that deter you.

[JohnnieRamona]

Well said, Papa. Trading one set of stifling gender norms for another is no way to live, IMO.

[Ashley]

There is nothing wrong with liking those things as a woman

[GhostTown11]

I pass as female now even when I'm trying to look like a guy (short hair, guys clothes, breasts bound). It doesn't feel good or bad it just feels the same as before except it's more awkward because people give me incredulous looks when I present myself by my male name. I think this is what kind of convinced me that I truly am more comfy living as just a guy who looks like a girl rather than as female (w.e. That means...).

[Edge]

I don't know if I count because I'm still trying to figure this out, but here goes...
-I didn't realize I was male (at least, sometimes) until a few months ago.
-My gender dysphoria comes and goes to the point where I sometimes like looking female.
-I talk about my feelings which I've been told is a female thing and I don't know if that's just a gender role or an actual, scientific thing.
-Ditto for some of my preferences.
-I spend a lot of time not knowing what gender I am.

[Th!nk]

Neato idea for a thread!

Mine are:

-I alternate between feeling male and enjoying my maleness and feeling female and loathing my maleness.
-I have many masculine traits and hobbies.
-I don't hate my penis
-I'm not suicidal about it

[Siobhan]

Fear of the consequences, ie the disdain of friends, family, strangers. The feeling of letting people down.
Never passing and looking like a hulking man beast.
Shame.

These things did and still do bother me all the time.

[EmmaMcAllister]

There are three major issues that always give me pause whenever I start getting giddy about transitioning:

1. Fear of hurting/destroying my family. I'm not sure I'll come through transitioning with the same relationships I have now.
2. Fear of the health impact. I have a severe physical disability and surgery is always a risky endeavour.
3. How am I going to pay for it? SRS is covered where I live, but FFS is more important to me. I can't really work anymore, so I'll have to depend on the kindness of others (which is never a guarantee).

[King Malachite]

1.  Fear of God not wanting me to and being punished for it through botched surgery or hell-still working out that aspect as I'm slowly starting to accept that he loves me no matter what and that he wouldn't do such a thing

2.  Fear of being cut out of my parents will.

3.  Fear that not having enough money to transition and be stuck into an economical situation I cannot get out of.

4.  Fear of my increase risks for certain things due to the testosterone.

5.  Fear of extra discrimination being a trans minority

6.  Fear of rejection of family

7.  Fear of doing this by myself no no family, partner, or friend by my side for support

[LordKAT]

Absolutely nothing.

[~RoadToTrista~]

Doubts

1. I've taken that gender test that's sometimes posted on here twice and both times I got male.

2. I don't use a lot of words, I feel like my sentences aren't as long as a normal woman's.

3. We're all just crazies and there's no such thing as GID.

Fears

1. Losing my fertility and having to depend on a sperm bank.

2. What people I went to high school with will think of me.

3. Transitioning is hard and so is the life of a transsexual.

[JennX]

This is a question for everyone- trans men, trans women, everyone: What things about yourself make (or made) made you feel like you weren't trans and/or shouldn't transition? Today I'm 100% sure that what I want is to become a woman, but for a long time there were a lot of things about me that didn't fit the "transgender script" that I had in my head- and I thought that meant I  wasn't "really" trans. It took a lot of therapy for me to move beyond that mindset (and Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl helped me out as well). Here's some of the things that tripped me up:

-I didn't KNOW I wanted to be a girl from age 4 or 5 (I didn't know FOR SURE I wanted to transition until about 8 years ago).
-I wasn't obviously feminine as a child (though I wasn't super-duper macho either).
-I was (and am) interested in a lot of "male" things like football, sci-fi movies, video games.
-I was/am attracted primarily to women and enjoy having penetrative sex with them.
-I don't want to be overly "girly" after I transition.

Those were my hang-ups.. anyone else in similar circumstances? Or just want to share their stories?

It's not written anywhere or stated anywhere in the WPATH SOC that you have to be a "super-feme girly gay or flaming homosexual male" prior to transition. People come in all shapes, sizes, personalities, and preferences. This is why I hate labels. You are you. You don't have to be anyone else or conform to any model. Never suffer fools that tell you otherwise. Do what you like. Stick with whatever hobbies and/or diversions bring you happiness. As far as your choice in partners, that's your business and no one else.

I'm pretty on the feme-girly side of the MTF spectrum... but growing up, I was interested in most of the same things you mention above... and today I can still field strip a M4 in under 60 seconds, with long French-tip gel nails. So...

... just be yourself. 

And as far as fears go... my biggest was that I waited too long to start.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Absolutely nothing.

This.

[Kelly J. P.]

 I want to try guymode sometime to see if I pass as male or female. This may or may not be normal for a trans girl that's happy being a girl XD.

Other than that, though, I've noticed that my dysphoria is so calm that I could probably present as male without feeling horrid any more. Now, I still want breasts, maybe FFS, and definitely SRS sometime, but I sometimes doubt myself because of how presenting male seems less bad than it used to.

[pebbles]

Nothing much anymore, I know what I am.

But at the time.

1: My dad was an ->-bleeped-<- those painful experiences with masculinity confused me I wasn't sure if I was just trying to differentiate myself from him.

2: Jerry springer... I saw those insane "transsexuals" on that show and when I was 13 and struggling with my gender I saw those shows and thought... "Well I'm nothing like that. so I'm obviously not transsexual"

3: My own gender dysphora... I hated my body and I hated myself, I'm still not my own biggest fan, the fact is part of me thought "Well I'm probably just confused/I just want to be someone else."

[Marcia]

Doubts

1. Don't use alot of words.
2. Like "male" things
3. As a kid didn't dress "girly"

Fears

1. Not looking like other females
2. Losing the person who I grew up as.



But now I am starting to see how these doubts and fears can discribe a cisfemale.

[MariaMx]

I'd have to say it was the shame that was my main obstacle. I was so ashamed of being what I am I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror while thinking about it. I just could not see myself transitioning and still be able to look my friends and family in the eye. In retrospect it was all rather silly of me and had I known better I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache and time.

Actually around the time when I finally came to accept being trans I happened to see the movie Hedwig and the angry inch. Though Hedwig strictly speaking wasn't TG her character helped me realize it was fully possible to transition and still be a proud and super awesome person

[Morgan.]

I had three main concerns/discomforts which I am still overcoming.

Firstly, the financial aspects of my desired journey. I want to have surgery, definitely top surgery and perhaps one day bottom surgery if the procedure advances and becomes better for FTMs. But I am having SUCH bad luck with finding employment, and although I am on private health cover, it is still a lot for me to pay. I try to look past this by reminding myself that I'm young, I'm still studying in my chosen career field and it is hopefully just a matter of time before I find employment.

Secondly, and this might seem kinda silly to some people, I have a LOT of female friends. I am more comfortable with my female friends than my male friends. I do have male friends, but I find that conversation can often be limited and sometimes uncomfortable. This was more prominent pre-T than it is now, but I am still adjusting. I didn't have many friends growing up and when I started to make them, they were majority female. I'm worried that I will never be able to make proper male friends who I can do "manly men" things with. But it's getting easier.

Thirdly, the adjustment my friends and family have made/are still making. It's always been a flaw of mine to take into consideration the opinion and thoughts of others over what I want, and transitioning was kind of a "f*** you" to that side of myself. I wanted to follow how I felt, so I am doing so - but some friends just get inappropriate occasionally with the "wow, I've known you as a girl for so long, this is so weird! I don't know what to call you!" and in my head, I'm always yelling back "How about you call me a f***ing male?"  I get frustrated, but I cool down and remind myself that they are adjusting and taking this journey with me. I was very uncomfortable at first with transitioning from a comment my mother made - that she was "loosing a daughter and gaining a son", and being a child, I couldn't understand how that made sense, even from a parent's perspective. As I've gotten older and matured with this process, I can see what she means, and I learned that she is making changes to help me, even if they are difficult for her, and I have learned to appreciate her efforts, past, present and future.

[Dawn Heart]

All of these fears and worries describe me at different times on different days, depending on my level of depression, anxiety, etc. I thought I was alone till now. My greatest fears are being accused of being an unfit parent because of being who I am, losing my disability benefits since GID, transition, and related items aren't covered by social security as a disability; I worry all sorts of real life scenarios that can happen in relation to being trans, plus I worry about passing, being accepted in the community, the real possibility of being a victim of violent hate related crime, etc.

Maybe I should just turn off my brain for a while.