How/when did you realize you were Trans*?

[Michelle S.]

I remember being no more than 4 or 5 and telling my mother in the car at Burger king that I would rather be girl. I don't remember her reaction exactly but she said something along the lines of "when mommy was a little girl she used to want to be a little boy so she could do all the things her brothers were doing."

It wasn't until I was ten that I finally discovered ->-bleeped-<- coincidentally while searching for magic spells that turn little boys into little girls. Though it wasn't until I was about 18 or so that I finally acknowledged that I was transgendered. I had this illegitimate fear that everyone would hate me and no would accept me so I'd always tell myself after dressing in my mothers clothes or doing something girly that I was just sick or perverted. I hated those feelings; the guilt. Finally at 18 I told my girlfriend about me being transgendered. She absolutely flipped and being that she was the first person I ever told, I got so scared and I hid it again. I just went back to the feeling of guilt. As I hit my 20s I became so increasingly depressed and slowly I would do little things here and there that my girlfriend was okay with - mostly while we were both drunk so if she wasn't happy about it I could blame the booze I also took advantage of the emo fad to wear tighter and girlier clothing. Finally, at 23 and after 2 kids I said screw it I can't do this anymore. This is when I finally accepted myself as being trans and not a freak who should be ashamed of herself. 6 months later life couldn't be any better and my girlfriend is now so supportive! It's amazing how people can change their attitudes given time.

[Chaos]

I was born and raised in a very strict house.one that didnt allow you to express yourself but what they wanted you to express.i was denied simple explanations like *that monthly female thing,where babies come from,what the diffrence between a boy and a girl is* so i lived a very confused and unhappy life.As i got older i found myself leaning towards the male spectrum-attitude,actions,thoughts,dress tho i tried to play the role of a *good fem female* of course that wasnt me but struggled with it for years thinking *this is what im supposed to be right?* i mean as a kid my enitre life was monitored and controlled.as i reached my 20's and i finaly found out these things on my own,i became more expressive then before.i found i couldnt relate to the female sex in anyway,as a matter of fact,i found *friendship/anything other then sexual relationship based* females would despise me and visa versa *i have NEVER in 36 years had a girl that was a *friend* so it would always end bad some how but i felt comfortable around many male friends,like this is where i belonged.in my late 20s i started to openly admit to being bisexual and started dating woman.this i felt very comfortable with and we got along fine this way.i have always *passed* because my body has naturaly high T already due to P.O.S so my body already made me feel like it didnt match my mind *with the male attributes but having female parts per say*.i also do not *work out physicaly* because i automaticly bulk up and this is not what i tried to do when dealing with my *female* appearance.as the years went on and i learned more and more *late of course but* i started to put two and two together.i looked and found that *once openly able too* without thinking,i was automaticly expressing myself as male.intercourse,interactions,clothes,hair,everything about me.even my personality.all my life i have dealt with depression and anxiety and the past few years it has gotten so bad that i am experiancing rage attacks and weird thoughts.i felt my entire life was a lie and it was ruined,what could have been diffrent if i was a boy as i should have been? real friends,real relationships,better family and so many other things? as i still had yet within the past few months to really have a finger to put this all on,i came across a video-a video about transitioning.as i was listening, it was like i had found a way to be really me *yes this all may sound confusing but it was my step towards fully becoming what i should have been* so you could say that i just now started my journey a few months ago officaly tho im still in the learning stage per say.I hope here that i can find my path to completely finishing my transition and making good friends along the way.

[sarahgrant]

I remember dreaming about being a  girl when I was quite small. Later I hoped the teachers at school would realise was a girl and make me join the girls doing gym and sewing. Somehow I knew I shouldn't be feeling like that and tried to bury my feelings. This was very difficult and kept resurfacing.

I loved wearing my sister clothes and when about 10 I walked to the end of the street wearing her skirt shoes and coat (and bizarrely my school shirt. I'm sure any neighbors thought it was her. As I got older instead of becoming more daring and more feminine, I went to the opposite end of the spectrum and became more macho and suppressed the girl inside me even deeper.

Going to university gave me the chance to crossdress more regularly (and underdressing 24/7 - well not literally but you know what I mean). This seemed to be enough.

Now aged 30 I have now come to the conclusion that it's about more than the clothes and my need to be female can't be ignored if I am to be happy.

[Freyja_Joro]

My mom never really believed in gender based raising techniques. So she let the boys play with dolls and the girls play with trucks and whatever, for someone born in 1959 she is quite the pioneer, I was born in the early-mid 90s, I am the junior by 10 years, but anyway less about that. When I was little I loved a doll. I didn't care much for "boyish" toys, my mom pampered my as a girl, because I looked like a little girl, with my extremely curly hair and all.

When I was 8 year old, (like many children of my generation) I was an Avid gamer, well not gamer, but I think you get it. I remember playing a game, on my Brother's Xbox, with a cousin of mine, James Bond, (don't quite recall which one), anyway I couldn't for the life of me choose a male character. The stupid thing? It's first person, I just couldn't, that ISN'T me it said in my mind, to my cousin I just I would wipe his on the floor anyway.

But it didn't start until I hit puberty, this was easily the worst period in my life. I never cross dressed I had games and have games for that. But I hate every change, I hate them. My voice, facial and body hair, masculinisation of genitals, broad shoulders, adam's apple, growth of the penis, et cetera. I hated every change, at one point I managed to push it in the back of my mind and stop thinking about it.

At least that's what I thought, it was always there though, my confidence was really low, I kept getting depressed for unknown reasons, I hated having (and still do) erections. It continued until recently. Until I started questioning when I had a word for it. Then I categorised myself as being Bigender. Which is true, but as time went on I became more and more gender dysphoric.... so yeah I hope what I wrote makes sense.