How/when did you realize you were Trans*?

[AscendantDevon]

Hey guys. I'm wondering how people came to terms with the fact that they weren't cis, and how they grew from there.

I'm biologically female and have always have body issues, and tried really hard to be good/feminine/normal enough, thinking that if I properly fit in with my peer group, I would eventually be happy with myself, but of course, that wasn't the case. I've always wanted to be a biological male, but I always pushed those thoughts away, telling myself that someone with my body type (short/curvy) could never pull off appearing male. Recently, I've been with an incredibly supportive partner who is going through gender issues himself, so I decided to give myself a chance. I bought my first binder, and I cant even explain the level of excitement and confidence I felt once I put it on. Since then, its been like a switch has been flipped in my head. I can't imagine wearing a bra now, the thought of it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Every day this need to appear masculine and be seen differently has gotten stronger, and I still am not too sure what that means for me. Its only been 1-2 months, and I feel like how I see myself has changed, in ways I am more confident and happy, but in others I am just brimming with doubt.

I know plenty of people have known from an early age, but what about those that are a little less self reflective, or found this path in difficult and confusing ways?
How did you guys work through all that confusion?

[Keira]

I first started to figure out I was trans when I was 16 y/o. It took me another two years to clarify what I was feeling.

At 18 I thought I was bigender. Which I actually was for a period of time because it was due to me repressing my female side. This is not to say that people who are bigender/gender-fluid don't exist; I just happened to be temporarily bigender.

Confusing enough? Lol

And for another couple of months I continued to doubt that I was mtf transsexual, and I doubted my transition. So one night I say down and wrote down the reasons I think I'm trans and the reasons I think I'm not trans. My list for the "pro" side was much larger than the "con"  side. And the reasons on the "con" side weren't logical.

And I still have some doubts to this day...but It's a lot more clear.

So I would say that you should just give it time, and be honest with yourself. If it would make you more happy to transition, try it! Don't go overboard with surgeries, but try reversible things. Also, don't try to force fit yourself into trans stereotypes (I crossdressed when I was a kid, I always knew, I have to be this amount of guyish/girly etc.)

[Constance]

I was probably between 5 and 7 years old when I first thought something like, "Oh well, I was born a boy I'll just have to be a boy." At about age 10, I began to realize that there were actual physical differences between boys and girls. At the start of puberty, I would begin to wish and pray that I'd get some bizarre disease for which the only life-saving cure would have been a "sex change."

Throughout most of my adolescence I figured I was just a normal guy who was sooooo attracted to girls I wanted to be one from time to time. I became a father and husband at age 19, so I put all my own wants and needs into the background and focused on providing for my family.

Years later, I'd see my daughter reading Luna by Julie Anne Peters. So, I decided to read it. I was 38 at that time. A whole bunch of memories clicked into place as I realized I was reading what could have been the story of my life. Two days after finishing that book, I registered my profile here at Susan's and began exploring the whole concept of gender identity. At first, I thought I was a cross-dresser. Then, I thought I was genderqueer/gender fluid.

At age 40 I figured out I was indeed trans and began exploring the transition process in earnest. I was a little over 41 when I actually started transitioning.

[Shang]

"You're a gay guy in a girl's body."

That is the line that started me on working on my gender identity when I was about 15 or 16.  I instantly went "...Damn straight."  The following years I went through a variety of different ways of messing with gender appearance and learning more about myself internally.  It pretty much just involved me being introspective and just realizing that I was indeed a gay guy.  I just happened to have a female body.   I do have a bit of a fluid gender identity in that sometimes I'll feel more like a masculine female, but it's almost never for long and not enough to deter me from transitioning.

[spacial]

I realised early, but coming to terms with it took a lot longer.

When I think I've finally reached that point, I'll tell you. Promise.

I'm 56

Hope that helps.

[RedFox]

I was late coming to the realization I was Trans - close to 40.  I only accepted it a few months ago and while it's caused a great deal of turmoil in my life, I'm actually quite happy to finally have figured out who I am.

I struggled with my gender identity throughout my life, but I literally locked away the female side of my personality when i was a teenager - compartmentalized myself you could say (it was that or suicide I think).  I treated her as a separate identity that only came out occasionally.  Her presence had grown stronger over the years - taking over during sex and consuming my idle moments of thought.

About four months ago I tried using testosterone boosters while powerlifting (on a military deployment in middle east - nothing to do but exercise).  They had a horrible effect on me.  I was shaky, extremely emotional, and couldn't stop crying.  I finally stopped fighting her and "re-integrated" that side of myself.  Since then I've cleaned my system up (no more supplements and a healthy vegan diet), gotten in-touch with who I really am, have taken the alone time to reflect on all the obvious signs in my past that I was too stubborn to let myself see (like browsing sites on SRS and wishing I could have an accident that forced a sex change or looking at girly mags and wishing I had a body like that).  It seems pretty obvious looking back - that damn hindsight.  I just wish it hadn't taken me 40 years to pull my head out of my a$$.

so yeah, obvious signs since I was a teenager but in denial for 20+ years.

[spacial]

Big Huggggs to SageFox.

Thank you for sharing that.

[silly by the seashore]

I knew that I wanted to a girl before I was ever in kindergarten. I often begged my grandmother to let me wear my sister's clothes and often enough I did. I learned more about it in my early teens when some of the talk shows on tv had transsexual guests. I took some birth control pills in my early teens hoping that would help, but I didn't have enough to stay on them for any length of time. My grandmother told me that I should finish college, make some money and then do something about it. But like an idiot, I tried to do as everyone else was doing that was normal and got married at 21 and tried to live a normal life. I continued to dress and things just got worse for me.  fast forward past that failed marriage and another shorter one after that, a few suicide attempts amongst other self harm, some time in a hospital and basically just dropping out of life for years while drinking heavily, I finally got to the point that I had to do something or just simply give on life altogether. Having my house flooded/damaged by a hurricane and feeling like there was nothing else to lose, I started self medicating  at 40 using an online pharmacy. After a year or so of that, I came out to my dad who already knew something was up and then got in touch with a gender therapist. A year after that, I came out to everyone else and started living fulltime along with a name change.

[RedFox]

Big Huggggs to SageFox.

Thank you for sharing that.

Thanks Spacial.  Sharing is good for the soul.

[AscendantDevon]

Thanks for commenting people, I really appreciate hearing other peoples stories. I feel very intimidated by communities, so I often feel isolated. Its always nice to get as much perspective as possible wherever I can, and learn peoples stories.

[aleon515]

Seven or so. I came out to my mom and told her that I didn't want to be called _____ anymore. To call me Billy. I got made if she called me ______. I think I thought about this before too (and afterward).

I actually journaled all the incidents of gender awareness, dysphoria in my youth. Very interesting it was.

--Jay J

[Hopefull]

I don't remember when i realized. I think some time last year.
I thought i was a lesbian and started watching lesbian movies. I never really liked any of them, i wonder why.
I thought maybe the problem wasn't the movies but me(or they were all just really bad). I watched my first gay movie with two guys and i liked it. It was sweet.
The only way i could participate was if i had a sex change. Then the question kept running through my mind! I couldn't stop thinking about it. I thought about everything i have done. I realized i always acted like a dude, and i believe i have figured out that part of my life. 

[Kaelin]

The identity never really just "clicked" into place, because as a male androgyne, I feel more like I'm dealing with a social norms issue -- the main thing that has changed over time is how I feel about it and how much I express it (and where).  There are so many milestones along the way, and I've forgotten so many and wouldn't feel comfortable singling one out.

[kayla-lyn]

me I was 5or 6 years old and I was borrowing my mothers thing like makeup and cloths I really liked her shoes

[FullThrottleMalehem]

I figured out quickly that I was definitely not what most of society would consider normal gender wise. I got put down a lot for being too masculine by females in middle and high school and a few relatives. Due to having one bigoted and one uknowing parent I never even knew what trans was, really, until recent years. It has only been within the past 6 months or so that I have actually been comfortable being trans and only more recently since I started being honest with myself about it.

After figuring out my identity, things suddenly made a lot of sense. I had these feelings as young as kindergarten when I would imagine myself as a male knight rescuing a princess when in gym class we played "rescuing" games and I was "saving" a female. As a teenager I often felt like the gay male best friend to my close female friends. Now that and more makes sense, I never felt completely right with female pronouns, "girly" toys and dress attire because I'm not female, I'm a trans man.

[Aleah]

I realised late, when I was 22, I knew for a while something was up and crossdressed and imagined being a girl for a while (since 18) but only thought of it is a silly fantasy and just repressed it completely as shameful.

Took me another year and a half to come to terms with it, social, religious, emotional fears and doubts before I decided to transition.

[sam79]

I'm a bio male... I started CDing from about the age of 5. Luckily I had a sister whose clothes I could borrow when alone. And my mothers make up and shoes were always available. CDed on and off until I moved out of home at 16, and then repressed it for years. Some more panties at about 23... Finally realised I was female at 25. Then repressed again due to family tragedy until this year. Told my GF, and was encouraged to CD again, which I've been doing every day for almost 6 months now. Panties / camis / hose for work, and dresses / skirts at home. Now I plan to transition. Yay!   

[Rena-san]

When I was 12 years old I realized I wasn't menstruating. Of course I didn't even know what that was at that time because they had separated the boys from the girls for sex ed. And I didn't really pay attention to anything in that class anyway. But I just remember feeling like I was missing something. A lot of other things happened right around that time. I pretty much ignored them all and focused solely on school studies. I got good grades, but didn't make any friends or come to learn socializing in a natural way. Then a few months before my 22nd birthday I decided to deal with these issues. Its not that I hid or ran from my problem, its more like I just didn't realize it was there because I devoted myself only to school. In the last year since I came out to myself, I have grown more than I have my whole life.

[Simon]

I thought I was a boy until I starting growing breasts in the third grade.

I grew up in a home where I was bought boy toys and wore boy clothing (except for underwear) but was made to wear a dress to church which was a weekly struggle for my parents and a crying fit for me. I suspect I've been trans my whole life. My mom blames herself because when she was pregnant she prayed to God that I wouldn't be a boy. My dad was so hard on my older sister that my mom was afraid he'd beat a boy to death. Well, surprise mom...you got that boy anyways, lol.

[miya5]

Me at an early teen age. I also wished for a medical reason for a sex change. The real sex change operation was over 30k when i was a teen and way out of luck for me. It comes and goes for me ever since my teen years. now over 40 and left with just having to figure it out by my self. my spouse dose not want me to transition since she married a "man". The idea of being alone terifies me, and I do really love her. So I adapt and find a way.

Best of luck,
Luv,
Miya