On the edge...

[AbbyJamz]

So, it has been, like, 2 months since coming out to my wife. Since then I have also come out to my brother in law, my actual brother, and three friends (2 female & 1 male). I had tried the Christian counselors that my wife suggested.  They pretty much forgot about me, as they have not called to schedule another visit in almost a month. I have e-mailed a gender therapist inquiring about treatment without insurance. I have also been on Finasteride for a month (5mg), and I just started using Nioxin products. I've been shaving my body, keeping my eyebrows mostly in check, and been taking better care of my skin. I am pretty sure I am mentally ready for therapy and HRT, but things with the wife have me flustered. I'm sure things will not end well. She has pretty much stopped talking to me all together apart from short, one word answers or comments. I'm terrified that the world is about to implode, but at the same time, I don't want anything standing in my way. I need to speak with a therapist soon.  It's pretty much gotten to that point for me. I'm going to be 29 in a couple of months, and I can't think of a better birthday gift than HRT. Anyway, not really sure what I'm expecting out of posting this.  Just needed an outlet, I guess!  Thanks for listening, as always, girls!  You support me so much it's crazy, even if you don't realize it! 

[jainie marlena]

You support me so much it's crazy, even if you don't realize it!

ditto on that. thinking about you. Hang in there.

All the support that I have got from here has change my life. If I can't do anything else then supporting others helps me. I see that supporting other people going through this helps me get through to the next thing that is coming. What ever you go through shows that you have made it this far so push on.

*hugs*

[Hikari]

Good luck, I understand how issues with a wife can really make things very frustrating. With mine, things basically imploded and then i explained to her my feelings when things were basically over between us. Of course, my life being the strange exception filled experience it is, after a while she came back to me knowing I plan on transition (gender is not what made her leave to begin with though) and while things could be better I can honestly say we are stronger in our relationship now than we have been for years.

I have never been apoligetic about my gender issues, and as strange as it sounds I think this had a big impact on her (and others) perception of the issue. If people start out thinking that this is something you are doing to them which is the sort of thing one does apoligize for, it frames the discussion as if being trans is problem that you need to address like a personality flaw when it isn't, it is merely an expression of how you feel qbout who you are.

I think by now i am just rambling, but hopefully something in there is insightful or interesting, best of luck, and I hope you do get that great birthday present

[Diane Elizabeth]

          I can understand, as we all go through theinitial coming out.  I was on edge for several years.  I had come out to my SO and no one else for the longest time.  Made new friends thru a support group and built on that.  Finally came to a breaking point where I had to come out to the rest of the world.  My family all know now and are there for me.  Came out to my boss last week, though he kind of knew already.   The only secret is one that no one knows.  Things feel so much better now.   Everything is getting better and I am not as near being ON THE EDGE.  I hope it all goes well for you.

[kathy bottoms]

My wife stayed with me for 20 years after coming out about my GID.  But now with my transition just around the corner, we are going through this again.  I am away from home for two months working on another house, and it's giving my wife and I both some time to deal with this on our own.  I know it's difficult for her, and that she feels the old "You did it to me again" thing.  Even though we talk on the phone every day there is a distance in her voice that I remember all too well from 20 years ago.   

I too feel that things are starting to cave in.   And I refuse to give up, so I tell her every day that I love her, and let her know what I'm doing.  There will be counseling and therapy, but our lives together comes down to her decision.  After all, I already made the decision that caused this crisis. 

Too bad they still haven't invented a magic pill that makes the GID, and the transsexual me, just go away forever.  Then it could turn me into that man my wife thought she married.  But no, there isn't a magic pill, and we do have to deal with these petty little things on our own.  My perspective now is to look at things day to day from the vantage of the woman I want to be.  Kathy is here to stay, but I'm not into deliberately hurting anyone, so ........

Love Kathy.

[AbraCadabra]

My wife stayed with me for 20 years after coming out about my GID.  But now with my transition just around the corner, we are going through this again.  I am away from home for two months working on another house, and it's giving my wife and I both some time to deal with this on our own.  I know it's difficult for her, and that she feels the old "You did it to me again" thing.  Even though we talk on the phone every day there is a distance in her voice that I remember all too well from 20 years ago.   

I too feel that things are starting to cave in.   And I refuse to give up, so I tell her every day that I love her, and let her know what I'm doing.  There will be counseling and therapy, but our lives together comes down to her decision.  After all, I already made the decision that caused this crisis. 

Too bad they still haven't invented a magic pill that makes the GID, and the transsexual me, just go away forever.  Then it could turn me into that man my wife thought she married.  But no, there isn't a magic pill, and we do have to deal with these petty little things on our own.  My perspective now is to look at things day to day from the vantage of the woman I want to be.  Kathy is here to stay, but I'm not into deliberately hurting anyone, so ........

Love Kathy.

Sorry... it's not what folks like to hear... neither would have I - at the time.

"When we've suffered enough --- we know what to do. If we have not --- we're confused."

I've seen it in others, have seen it with myself. The truth... will set you free.

Axélle

[AbbyJamz]

Thanks for all the support, girls!  I'm just being dramatic because I feel like things aren't moving forward enough right now.

[JoanneB]

You've already taken a couple of major steps that you should be proud about. Many will just suffer in silence, stuffing their feelings for decades or even a lifetime. In fact, the "once the cat is out of the bag" syndrome brings such a great relief you just need to keep on forging ahead.

In order to work, three years ago I needed to relocate some 350 miles away from just across the river from NYC to hillbilly country. My wife is still stuck in NJ. The major pot-hole of life I hit that caused this plus the separation led to my GID coming back with a vengeance after a good 30 years of keeping it mostly under control. She knew from almost our first date some 30 years about me.

The steps I needed to take included trying to find a therapist that at least knew, even heard of GID. No luck here in the boonies. Eventually I found the only TG group in under a 3 hour drive some 90 miles away. I got in touch with them, and my life changed.

A transitioning TS and lifetime resident from near me tried finding a therapist nearby with no luck. The Christian therapist that came recommended to her was not for her. The one I see, while having had some of the group members as clients, is far from what I would call a gender therapist. I know I know more about it then he does. That part didn't bother too much since I mostly knew I needed to see a therapist in general who at least knew a little something on GID and be a friendly. I never had the goal of transitioning since I gave that a shot twice back in my 20's, twice, and decided it wasn't for me. But, as I mentioned earlier, the TG group experience changed my life. Now I am far from sure about not transitioning. Living apart from my wife has given me the freedom to do part-time.

I can highly recommend spending a lot of time digging on the internet to find a TG group. For me local is 90 minutes away. I found them after about three months of searching and many weeks of praying. I often wish we met every week. I have been researching being a TS since the age of 14 yet after 40 years of dealing with it, attempting transition twice went on E a half-dozen times, and some dating TSs as a guy meant nothing by the end of that first meeting.

My wife hasn't been too thrilled about this escalation of mine. She pretty much had me pegged as a CD mostly because all I needed was the occasional day spent as Joanne to keep me from going crazy. Higher stress periods meant dressing more often. I had given up on any thoughts of transitioning for lots of physical reasons and a strong desire to keep going with being "normal". There have been some pretty rough periods over the past 3 years. Fortunately the lines of communication have been kept open. (though now she has a bit of a "don't ask don't tell" policy) Her main concerns have always been for my safety and happiness, and for her future. With my history of dating TSs and me in a group with a gorgeous TS who is also an Electrical Engineer like I am, brought out a lot of insecurities for her future. Most of that is behind us now. Even the prospect of her living with a woman isn't as bad as it first was for her.

[AbbyJamz]

My wife has actually been half way nice to me the past couple of days (well, she's actually talking to me).  I've contacted a gender therapist, who has pretty much left it open to me if I want to go ahead and start seeing her.  The thing that worries me now, is that something must've changed with my wife for her to be a bit nicer to me. If I tell her I'm going to go to a gender therapist, I'm sure that things will go back to as they were or maybe even worse.  I know that the rocky road ahead is inevitable, but it has been nice the past couple of days not having to worry about my wife hating my guts all day long.  I dunno. I'm sure I'll bring the topic up soon.  It's just tough.