Body dysphoria?

[Jamie D]

Couldn't having an identity that doesn't match *any* binary body type suck just as much as one that doesn't match the one you were born with?

Precisely

[Pica Pica]

I feel a stronger sense of dislike with my body in the summer, I look at the pretty girls and wish I can be then. This feeling can get rather strong and a few times I have wondered if I am not actually FtM, but then I realised that it was only the pretty girls I looked at like that and concluded that what I actually want to be is pretty.

For me, I lot of my androgyne feelings are like that, a longing for certain qualities that might be embodied in certain people and genders, but my desire to be more abstracted (to be a pretty girl and not a pretty girl). It's certainly a hallmark of my androgynity.

[suzifrommd]

what I actually want to be is pretty.

Pica, I've had that feeling so many times, on and off.

Would it help to realize how beautiful you really are? My best moments come when I can expand the definition of pretty from "looking like a cross between a runway model and a barbie doll" to "a beautiful person inside and out, with beautiful thoughts, ideas, feelings, likes, dislikes and with an imperfectly human beautiful face and body that is 100% me."

Easier to say than do, of course, but I'm sure those "pretty" people have nothing on you.

[aleon515]

I wouldn't say I have a "hellish" sense of dysphoria (but then not all tran* folks do, if the self-reports are any guide at all). Though it seems some people who are androgyne do feel this way. I think my feelings vary on this. I definitely dislike my breasts but I have been trying binding, and I think I look *too* flat, so it is definitely a match thing going on in my mind re: matching my body to how I feel. And there is definitely something in there that is going "not a match" in my brain.

--Jay Jay

[foosnark]

...it was only the pretty girls I looked at like that and concluded that what I actually want to be is pretty.

For me, I lot of my androgyne feelings are like that, a longing for certain qualities that might be embodied in certain people and genders, but my desire to be more abstracted (to be a pretty girl and not a pretty girl). It's certainly a hallmark of my androgynity.

Yes, this exactly. There is kind of an idealized not-an-actual-woman aspect to it for me, and there always has been.  This is part of why I don't see myself going MtF or trying to pass as female.

[Phoeniks]

I get dysphoria. It's not very bad, but it is significant to me.
When I got my first binder, I grinned like a maniac and have worn it almost every day since even though I thought I was only going to wear it once in awhile. It just feels and looks right to have a flat (flatter anyway) chest.

I had the same experience. I didn't feel I had any dysphoria concerning by breasts before I tried binding for the first time - I'd never been a fan of my own breasts, exactly, but they weren't something I loathed. But when I did, I just started crying and laughing and continued through the night. What a cliche reaction, really

I've been binding almost every day since, and started soon to go in public flat-chested, too. I sort of noticed my mild body dysphoria only afterwards, back on that night I first realized how much better I feel about myself flat-chested. It was a strange feeling, noticing that the reason I've always felt fat appears to be my womanly body parts and shape.

[aleon515]

I've been binding almost every day since, and started soon to go in public flat-chested, too. I sort of noticed my mild body dysphoria only afterwards, back on that night I first realized how much better I feel about myself flat-chested. It was a strange feeling, noticing that the reason I've always felt fat appears to be my womanly body parts and shape.

I've gotten used to the binder and really like being flat. The other thing is I dislike my "shape". If I don't see it I feel a lot better. I avoid looking at the full length mirrors. It's funny though as I have presented more male, I like to look at myself *dressed* in full length mirrors.

--Jay Jay

[BlueSloth]

To me, saying "yes, I have dysphoria" seems to lack emotional impact.  The word is...  I dunno...  too Greek, I guess.  I know lots of people on a site like this know what it is and how it feels, and that should be good enough...  I know I'm being irrational, but I can't help it.

Umm, maybe I should put in a trigger warning... better safe than sorry, I guess... if you don't want to hear about dysphoria, stop reading now.

Sometimes when I see myself in a mirror I can't look away and can't stop myself from thinking.  I think, whenever anybody looks at me, that's they body they see.  When somebody hugs me, that's the body they're hugging.  If somebody falls in love with me, that's the body they'll see when they look at their lover.  That's how all my friends and family see me.

EWWW.

Then I think, why me?  So many people don't have to deal with this, why can't I be one of them?  I usually need to cry to get the emotions out, but I always have such a hard time crying.  I don't know if it's because of hormones, or because I spent too much time trying not to cry because I was terrified of being myself in front of people.  (Death doesn't make me cry much either.  Something about my ability to express emotion is seriously broken.)

Anyway, sometimes I buy into the stereotype that androgynes don't have it so bad and wonder if I'm really MTF (umm.. is that a stereotype?  I don't know where to look for an example of it, and I'm suddenly doubting my memory  ).  It's hard to imagine growing up with a female body, but I'm pretty sure I'd be cutting my hair short and manly, binding my breasts, and stuff like that.

Other times I have a good day and stay away from mirrors (or am in denial) and wonder if I've been making a big deal out of nothing.  I guess it all averages out eventually LOL

[Metal Stuart]

Iv always looked at a masculin chest with envy. Getting my first binder lifted a large weight of my chest ( pun may or may not of been intended  ) there are other reasons I get dysphoric but my chest has always been my main issue

[Phoeniks]

Sometimes when I see myself in a mirror I can't look away and can't stop myself from thinking.  I think, whenever anybody looks at me, that's they body they see.  When somebody hugs me, that's the body they're hugging.  If somebody falls in love with me, that's the body they'll see when they look at their lover.  That's how all my friends and family see me.

EWWW.

Then I think, why me?  So many people don't have to deal with this, why can't I be one of them?  I usually need to cry to get the emotions out, but I always have such a hard time crying.  I don't know if it's because of hormones, or because I spent too much time trying not to cry because I was terrified of being myself in front of people.  (Death doesn't make me cry much either.  Something about my ability to express emotion is seriously broken.)

Other times I have a good day and stay away from mirrors (or am in denial) and wonder if I've been making a big deal out of nothing.  I guess it all averages out eventually LOL

This sounds so similar to how I'm feeling. I didn't even realize that on the "good days" I don't look at my body at all and question if I'm just making much fuzz about nothing. On the bad days I can spend hours trying to make myself look more masculine.

I've never been comfortable with my body when I'm with lovers or naked with friends, something just never seems to fit and my body feels so awkward and out of place. Lately I've been wondering if I'm never going to find someone who's "suitable" for me, since usually the people I'm most attracted to are homosexual boys that look and act much more feminine than me. 

It's not that I wouldn't feel ok about my body when it looks the way I want it to be. But outside of my own place I've always felt somehow guilty for not feeling like a woman, or not looking like a standard woman to others. I'm tall, wide, broad-shouldered... I've never been able to take a compliment that has to do with my femininity, but when people say I look boyish I feel so great, nowadays. So clearly this is the right path for me.

[foosnark]

Wwhile I don't have the kind of dysphoria many others do, I realize I kind of ignore or block out my body a lot.  Even when I fantasize that my body is different, it's less about what my body would be like and more what the setting is and what I'd wear.

"Nina Here Nor There" was quite a good autobiographical story of a gender-variant person with severe dysphoria, trying to figure out her identity and working her way up to top surgery.