Where should I go from here?

[Cynthia Synthetic]

I'm trans!
Sorry, it just feels so good to say that
I haven't told a single person yet, online or otherwise, so, consider this my coming out

I'm actually not 100% sure I'm trans, and haven't spoken to a professional about this yet, but I'm pretty sure I am.
I suppose that should be my first step...

I have lots and lots of questions, but, I didn't want to just create several threads, and I figure I should introduce myself first.

Four years ago I started experimenting with my gender presentation, in private.
I actually also discovered this message board then, too.

I regret that I ran away.

I've tried almost everything else to give my life meaning, and feel comfortable in my own skin, but nothing has really worked, and, going back through my journals, it's pretty clear that I'm generally not happy at all.
Without my extensive journals, I would have just convinced myself that I had only been depressed for the last month, and that things would get better "tomorrow".

It also helps that most of my friends are very open-minded people who I've met in the creative community.
Some of them are trans themselves.

Having just turned 27, things have come much more into focus for me.

[Cynthia Synthetic]

I've tried to dismiss my internal feminine identity as a temporary anomaly.
But, I keep coming back to it.
I didn't really start seeing myself as a girl until my teens, however, before that, I didn't really see myself as a boy, and was always fairly gender-neutral.
Maybe it's because I'm likely on the Autism spectrum.
I think, had I been born a female, I don't think I would have been strongly gendered.

In terms of how I relate to other people, and the world around me, I'm very feminine.
Even if I could be, I don't think I'd be very "girly", however, I'm undoubtedly feminine.
My language, how I express myself, my desire to cooperate and empathize (even though I have difficulty with reading people anyway, but that's a whole other issue)

As the guy I'm forced to live as, I basically survive, and can even, with great effort, make my pseudo-identity work, but it feels fake.
I'm haunted by the overwhelming feeling of unbelonging, and dissociation -- dysphoria.

Since I've been reading more about psychology, I've realize how unhealthy a lifestyle I've been living.
The only time I'm close to happy is if I'm in a relationship, which is always some horrible codependent relationship, doomed to failure.

[V M]

Hi Cynthia 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

[Cindy]

Hi Cynthia,

Missed your intro but I'm here know.

Hugs from South Australia.

Your comments sound pretty normal to be honest. You sound like a gender dysmophic person.

I think it may be time to talk to a therapist and explore your feelings and future.

If you are at Uni or Collage they are great places to transition as people are very accepting.

To be totally honest I came out fully this year at work and in life and the major reaction from people has been 'yawn'. Your life go for it.

So - go for it.

Hugs

Cindy

[justmeinoz]

Sounds just like the sort of affirmative exercise that my Lesbian books encourage.  Standing in front of the mirror, and saying "I love women!"

Going by Kate Bornstein's  ideas you are already a Gender Transgressor, as you have decided that you are unsatisfied with the dominant Gender Order in some way, so welcome to the club.

I have adopted an Existentialist philosophy on life, and extract my own meanings from life.  For me it is the best way I have found to try and live an authentic life.  For me that entails accepting responsibility for my own actions, not making excuses, and not expecting others to absolve me from any errors I have made.  I try to live without regrets and guilt. 

Obviously as an Atheist I don't look for divine forgiveness of non-existent sins, but there is also a strong Christian Existentialist body of thought too.

Karen.

[Devlyn]

Hi Cynthia, it's nice to meet you! I'm glad you found us. Get busy posting, and we'll see you around the site. Hugs, Devlyn

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Cynthia,
Another big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. Well as you've found out, there are lots and lots of questions begging for answers. That never stops I think. The questions just simpler. Like, oh dear, what do I wear to tonight's dinner. And yes another dilemma starts 

As you've suggested, a professional, such as a gender therapist would be an excellent start for you. Those people are gifted at bringing the best out in us. To keep you occupied, as you are no doubt aware, there is a mountain of resources, information and friendship waiting for you here.

If you look at what happened to you last time you were here, you probably found so much information that you had to leave to process it all. So no regrets required. I did the same thing myself. I was here in the 90's, took on board a whole heap of information, came back last year and put it into action.

I look forward to hearing more about you in time to come, so in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Cynthia,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7514  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet 

[Cynthia Synthetic]

Thanks so much for the warm welcome