What is happiness worth?

[debbiej]

What is happiness worth?

I have pretty good life.

I have a wonderful wife who I love and who loves me.
I have two incredible children who I love and (at the moment) love me back.
I have work that is very fulfilling and very rewarding (although the pay is not terrific).
I have a circle of friends that love and support me in my work.
I have community of faith that nurtures me and respects me for the work that I do among them.

I am HAPPY!!! I think?

But I also have a secret I've kept for almost all of my life. Sometimes I think that If I just told
everyone my secret and started living my life as I was always meant to live it -- well, then, I
would have more than a pretty good life. I'd have a pretty wonderful life!!

No... wait a minute, let's think about this for a moment...

My wife? My wife would probably leave me rather than try to change her sexual orientation.

My children? My children are too young to understand and my adolescent son would hate me for causing even more sexual confusion during an already very sexually confusing time in his life.

My work? There is NO WAY I could continue in my current position after I shared my secret. It would be devastating not only to my personal ministry but to the ministry that I have worked so hard to build. Best guess? Half of our constituents would never come back while I was here and the other half would... I have no idea!! Beside, it wouldn't matter because if we lost half of our income we would not last more than a year or two anyway.

My friends? Well, how many of them would stick around after the divorce and how many, who are my friends from my ministry with them, would still call me after we've stopped working together and after I devastated the ministry that we shared?? All of them? Some of them? None of them? I don't know.

My community of faith? Well they are already split over same sex marriage and accepting my homosexual brothers and sisters in their midst. I don't even think the Transgender/Transexual issue is on their radar. Hey, I know, why don't I divide them even further by making them deal with a Transgender person on top of the issues with which they are already struggling? No... the time is not right.

So... what is my happiness worth?

Anybody have any answers for me? I'm at a loss. (by the way - It's a rhetorical question I know you can't answer it for me)

I just had to get this one off my chest and wail at the wall a little. I would appreciate comments though. And if my wailing has given anyone food for thought... good. If I've made you relive a struggle you've already dealt with and would rather not revisit... sorry for opening an old wound.

Debbie

[Kate]

From what I've seen here and experienced myself, the fact that you're asking this question tells me what you're likely to do. Eventually. In Time.

I mean I don't know, and I don't want to push you into anything, it's just that this question seems to often mark the beginning of what I call the justification process of the GID. You feel the pull, you WANT to fix things, but... you first need to gather up the courage to risk everything to begin fixing it - even  if that means starting entirely over with your life.

Again, not that it's inevitable or even right for you - everyone has to find their own, unique solution to all this. BUT, if you look at GID like a disease in a sense, it does seem to follow this pattern to some degree. The *underlying* unhappiness builds and builds until the surface Good Things just don't compensate for it anymore, and... you roll the dice.

Kate

[debbiej]

Again, not that it's inevitable or even right for you - everyone has to find their own, unique solution to all this. BUT, if you look at GID like a disease in a sense, it does seem to follow this pattern to some degree. The *underlying* unhappiness builds and builds until the surface Good Things just don't compensate for it anymore, and... you roll the dice.

Thank you for your comments Kate.  I understand the "underlying" unhappiness with the gender I present to the world. It wells up up in me and scares me sometimes. But then I bottle it up again, count my blessings and move on (until it wells up again).

Something I don't quite understand in your comment is that "the surface Good Things don't compensate for it anymore". At this point its very hard for me to to see my family, my work, my friends, and my faith community as surface good things. They go to the very core of my being and perhaps are equal to my previously hidden Transgendered self.

In this world that we live in it seems that I can't have them both (my current life and life as the woman that I feel inside of me). Or can I? I'm on a journey to see if I can. I know many people have tried to combine the two and eventually have had to make painful decisions - both for themselves and for those that they love.

One more comment on your very thoughtful reply - I'm generally opposed to "rolling the dice" (I'm seeing that as making arbitrary decisions according to some outside influence and that may not be what you meant) but I'm not opposed to releasing my control over what happens in my life. Releasing my control and letting my life unfold and then reacting to it in faithful ways.

Debbie

[Sarah Louise]

Debbie, no one but you can answer the question "what is my happiness worth".  You have to live with yourself and your inner turmoil.

I can say that much of the time the older you get the stronger those feelings grow.  I have no idea where you are on the Gender Identity scale.

I will say that it cost me my role in Church leadership, but not my faith in God.  It cost me the love and trust of my wife and children.  It cost me many of my clients, but not all, some were very supportive in my transition.

Also, it allowed me more peace within me.  I am happier being a woman than I was ever being a "man" in the past.

Sarah L.

[Kate]

Something I don't quite understand in your comment is that "the surface Good Things don't compensate for it anymore". At this point its very hard for me to to see my family, my work, my friends, and my faith community as surface good things. They go to the very core of my being and perhaps are equal to my previously hidden Transgendered self.

Since beginning my transition, I often find myself saying to my wife, "look, you know I love you more than anything in the... well... considering what I'm doing, I can't say that now, can I?"

I have my fantasy job. I literally sat down one day and fantasized about what the perfect job would be for me. A few months later, it was handed to me.

My wife is the most precious, magical and uniquely beautiful creature I have ever met on this earth.

I have a wonderfully perfect home, with two wonderful kitties.

I have perfect health and fitness, almost disgustingly so since I never exercise and I'm 42 now.

And yet I was miserable beyond belief. Sure, those other things were great and I did and do appreciate them, but the GID started sucking the joy from even those things. If you're not YOU, you can't enjoy the blessings around you, you can't *touch* the world after awhile... it all starts to recede from your reach, everything starts going dark. You become this island inside your self, you can't touch what you love anymore, and they can't touch you.

In my experience, anyway

One more comment on your very thoughtful reply - I'm generally opposed to "rolling the dice" (I'm seeing that as making arbitrary decisions according to some outside influence and that may not be what you meant) but I'm not opposed to releasing my control over what happens in my life. Releasing my control and letting my life unfold and then reacting to it in faithful ways.

I see transition as a Do Over, a rolling of the dice to see what happens This Time. NOTHING in my transition has happened as I expected it to. The experience FEELS so totally different than what I thought it would be like... and  *I* am so totally different than what I thought I'd be... that I can only say it feels like a "roll of the dice." I could choose to TRY AGAIN, but I couldn't choose where the dice would land. You're changing something so fundamental about yourself, that the world surrounding you WILL eventually respond to that and restructure itself around you in ways you just cannot predict from here.

And the TRULY scary thing... my biggest unexpected lesson.. is that you may find that once SHE is released at last, SHE may not want to hold on to some of the very things you find unbearable to lose right now.

Kate

[cindianna_jones]

but I'm not opposed to releasing my control over what happens in my life.

And yet, your entire life is being controlled by external forces.....   just a thought 

I finally made the decision to take control of my life.  I had to give everything up to do so. I have regained some of it, lost some of it, and in many other aspects gained more.  I know that there are some in my family who have made this a life of misery for themselves over it. But I had to let go.  Ultimately, my life is better.  The family bonds that have been repaired are closer. My friends are real. My work has been more passionate.

If your family is more important to you than this, then quit doing this. Turn off your computer and do not return here.  I'm serious. Block all aspects of this from your life. For you can't afford to be immersed in these thoughts. Turn back to your family and embrace them as Tom, or Dick, or whatever your male identity may be. I am not trying to be blunt, or rude, or anything like that.  I'm just telling you that you need to quit focusing on these thoughts.

Cindi

[debbiej]

And the TRULY scary thing... my biggest unexpected lesson.. is that you may find that once SHE is released at last, SHE may not want to hold on to some of the very things you find unbearable to lose right now.

Oh my!!!!!

I love you more than anything

I used those exact same words to her yesterday!!!

Kate you are such a blessing. I am grateful for your sharing and at the same time - just because of where I am right now - totally terrified that you might be right- not only for yourself but for me too.

I have no idea where you are on the Gender Identity scale.

Sarah - I'll show my ignorance and ask, Is there a gender identity scale? And if so where do I go to find out where I stand?

Also thank you for your honesty in what it cost you personally. It must have been difficult at the time (and probably still is?) but, for you, the results must be very affirming.

I am so grateful for the folks here that are willing to share their lives with the rest of us to light our paths, wherever they may lead.

Debbie

[Melissa]

My wife? My wife was wonderful...or so I thought until she showed what kind of a person she really is.  We are in the middle of a divorce (just waiting for it to finalize).  I now have a girlfriend who truly accepts me for who I am and that in itself is a truly wonderous thing.

My children? Both of my children are young (5 and 9 currently) and they have both come to accept me as Melissa without much problem.

My work?  I also knew I couldn't continue working where I was, although I hoped that would be a possibility.  After being asked to leave, 2 days later I was offered a job that paid nearly double the salary and has been a big proponent of my transition.  Also I was able to get on medical insurance as a female, so they have no idea about my transitioning.

My friends? Well, I really only had 1 friend before transition.  He is still my friend and does things with me from time to time (like before), but now I have many other friends as well.

My community of faith? Shortly into transition, I was asked not to come to the church I was attending anymore.  I went to the service of another church breifly after going fulltime, but I am still meditating about what I truly believe now that I know what I know about the religion I was brought up in.  If I chose to go to a christian church, that wouldn't be a problem since I pass and there are LGBT friendly churches.

One that you didn't mention is your home.  I lost the house I was living in and had to end up moving out into an apartment complex.  I ended up moving there in stealth, so that has been fun having that aspect of my life be completely female.

See, for the most part, the things I lost have eventually turned into other good things in my life and I am much happier with my life now since I don't have anymore pretending to do.  For everything you lose, something of more value will be gained in it's place.  For everything you give of yourself, you will have it given back to you in spades.  You can find more information on this if you do a websearch for Karma and threefold law, but this is based on my own experiences.

[debbiej]

then quit doing this. Turn off your computer and do not return here.  I'm serious. Block all aspects of this from your life.

Cindi,  Can I return your book?    . I've only read 95 pages? It' still like new except for the pages that were touched by my tears.

I hear what you are saying about not dwelling on these thoughts but they are there and I don't know that I'd be able to stop now. What's more I don't think my wife, God bless her, would let me. This is something I know I have to deal with.

Thanks for all the comments

[Melissa]

And the TRULY scary thing... my biggest unexpected lesson.. is that you may find that once SHE is released at last, SHE may not want to hold on to some of the very things you find unbearable to lose right now.

You are learning well my young padawan.

[Sandy]

Deb:

As you've heard from the others, being transsexual is terminal.  It *will* kill you in time.  And there is no cure.  There is only living with it.  Giving in to the demands of your cross wired brain that you become outside what you are inside.

But in order to do that, you have to be willing to give *everything* up.  Really EVERYTHING.  If you are not suffering from this blessing/curse, run, don't walk to the nearest exit.

Nothing you have external to yourself will mean anything if you spend most of your waking hours in clinical depression.  A wonderful family, nice house, good job, and everything else will have no meaning.

I have to say, I have been blessed by my transition.  I really have lost little in comparison to some truly hurtful losses that some of the others here have suffered.  But I didn't know that when I started.  When I could no longer continue living the lie of my life, I was willing to give everything up.  Because sooner or later, I'd get that whole suicide thing right and it wouldn't matter any more anyway.

People have told me that told me that transitioning is very courageous.  Yeah it takes wherewithal, but it is no more courageous than running out of a burning building.  Transition, and maybe lose everything, or die, and lose everything anyway.

If you aren't there, consider yourself so very lucky.

But!  You knew there was a "but" in all this.

If you do have this terrible blessing, transitioning is the most wonderful thing in life!  It is the blessing.  Life takes on colors and aspects that you have never seen.  Since I came out to myself and started down the path to where I am today, I have found out that after 55 years on this planet, I can find joy in life.  Doors have opened for me that I never knew were there.  I have a new found spirituality that replaced the cynicism in my life.  I have found Goddess in a grain of sand, and the world is in my heart.

This is what awaits you.

And here you probably thought it was just about dressing up...

-Sandy

[rhondabythebay]

Nothing you have external to yourself will mean anything if you spend most of your waking hours in clinical depression.  A wonderful family, nice house, good job, and everything else will have no meaning.

Having been there, I can vouch for that. Life had no meaning for me but pain when I tried to avoid being my true self. I constantly thought about ending the misery thru suicide. Now, after coming out to my wife and children I still have them. I don't have my job, but then it didn't really feel right to me. It was more an exercise in male ego and for people whose values I couldn't stand. I'm retraining for a people centered avocation now and it feels good to move ahead with the life I always wanted, but was afraid to do. As for friends, I've made more since coming out.

Rhonda

[cindianna_jones]

This is something I know I have to deal with.

And that in itself is the single greatest decision you will make.  It matters not which direction you ultimately take. But the fact that you have thought it through and made the best possible choice for yourself and your family means that you are taking control of your life. I commend you for it.

Cindi

[tinkerbell]

What is happiness worth?

Despite everything you've mentioned on your post, what does your inner voice tell you, Debbie?   I've always said that we can fool everyone around us, but we can never fool the voice of our conscience.  Trust that voice, listen to it, for it is your essence/soul which speaks through it.

tink

[debbiej]

I've always said that we can fool everyone around us, but we can never fool the voice of our conscience.  Trust that voice, listen to it, for it is your essence/soul which speaks through it.

Tink, I've always been pretty good at listening to my inner voice. The result has been that I've made for myself a pretty meaningful life. Sure, there have been bumps along the way but I've been learning and every bump has actually made my life even more meaningful.

I've also learned that there are always choices. And one choice that is always available is the choice to stay put, to not change, to not look for another job, to not seek a divorce, to not abort a child, to not move, to not do anything.

This is by far the hardest choice I have ever had to make and I've already started down a hill and I'm testing the brakes.  Its been vary hard to let go of the choice to not do this.

As you've heard from the others, being transsexual is terminal.  It *will* kill you in time.  And there is no cure.  There is only living with it.

Sandy, Something is eventually going to kill me. I suspect it may be stress from my job or stress from either hiding or sharing my transgender. I've always held a that type A personalities (the ones who have stress caused heart attacks) are actually committing suicide when they insist on eating steaks instead of salads. Its a way to hasten the end of their stress by causing a heart attack. If I've ever been suicidal about my Transgendered self its manifested itself with my wishing for a heart attack to end it all. I'm not brave enough to try anything else. Yet your point is well taken. And in my present state of mind the stress from sharing this with the world is what might kill me.

For everything you lose, something of more value will be gained in it's place.  For everything you give of yourself, you will have it given back to you in spades.

Melissa, Yes - I believe that. Call it Karma or call it God or call it having a positive attitude and finding silver linings in every cloud. I'm curious though, how this works when you follow your own inner voice and it causes pain in the lives of those you love. Is it negative karma? Do you have to trust that they are able to find their own silver lining? I think I know what your answer will be but if you want to articulate it for me I'm sure I'd find it helpful.

Thank you everyone for your frank and thoughtful comments. Its a question that I've had ever since I came to Susan's Place but have been reluctant to ask. I'm glad I did.

Debbie

[molly]

Debbie,

From my experience the answers everyone has given are right on the mark.  I have a nice home, a bueatiful wife, a good job, great kids, etc and I am moving down the path of transition with the very real possibility of losing it all.

All my life I've tried to deny my true self, joined the military, acted macho, got married, had kids, I've tried to live up the artificial ideals of what being a real man is in order not to be the woman I am.  Now I am trying to learn about what kind of woman I am.

I've fought the feelings of suicide and fear.  In the end no matter how much I've tried to live in denial and tried to rationalize my situation, it didn't work.  As I've gotton older the feelings have become stronger, overpowering.  This is a similar experience I've read from many others as well as they get into their 50's and older.

If you can live your life feeling fulfilled as it is now, it would be best for your's and your families sake to do so.  Moving forward exploring your Being as Debbie, the path gets steeper and harder to turnaround, harder to stop Debbie from exerting control.

This has been my experience as I've searched for answers to the same question you posed.

Hugs, Maya

[debbiej]

As I've gotton older the feelings have become stronger, overpowering.  This is a similar experience I've read from many others as well as they get into their 50's and older.

Thank you Maya. This is what keeps me coming back to Susan's reading books, telling my wife, starting therapy. I've been dealing with these thoughts, like many others, since I was a very young child. Six months ago I made a conscious decision that I was going take this secret with me to the grave. Yet, here I am. Its no longer a secret with the folks at Susan's Place and more importantly - with the 6 people that I've told to set up a support group. From everything I've heard here at Susan's this is not going away and the feelings will only get stronger. But still I have to ask the question that many of you have already asked and found your answer.

If you can live your life feeling fulfilled as it is now, it would be best for your's and your families sake to do so.  Moving forward exploring your Being as Debbie, the path gets steeper and harder to turnaround, harder to stop Debbie from exerting control.

This has been my experience as I've searched for answers to the same question you posed.

Now I have to express some more frustrations.

I love this place called Susan's. It has been an incredible help to me. But it can be very one sided towards the inevitability of transition. Its no ones fault, its just the character of the community here.

Let me explain:

I have to think that there are Transgendered people out there who have found other ways to cope with with this state of being. some other way besides transition. They may have found ways to suppress the thoughts. They may have found ways to feel fulfilled as a woman but not share it with their community. They may be living quiet lives and don't have a need to be a part of a community such as Susan's Place, or a support group.

I would be much more sure that I had all the information I needed to move on if I could talk to them and learn from them too. But they are not easy to find.   Or maybe, as some here have suggested, they are nowhere to be found because the depression has been so overpowering that they have ended the pain by ending their life.

So here is my plea-  All you lurkers out there who have found ways, besides transitioning and suicide, to cope with your transgendered self - speak up!!!! WE need to hear your voice too.

I have to say this again, because I know that reliving the choices that many of you have already made in your journey can be very difficult...
Thank you so much for all the love, support, concern, and patience that you all have shown me over the last month.

If I hadn't found this place so soon after I came out to my friend, perhaps I would have experienced this process very differently. Perhaps I would have experienced first hand the extreme depression that many of you talk about. Perhaps you have already saved my life.

Debbie

[Kate]

I've also learned that there are always choices. And one choice that is always available is the choice to stay put, to not change...

"I don't know where I'm going - all I know is if I stay here like this, I shall die here like this."

That thought, scribbled throughout my journal, kicked me into facing this problem at last.

I'm curious though, how this works when you follow your own inner voice and it causes pain in the lives of those you love.

EXACTLY what I just cannot figure out. I live my life by adjusting my course according to how "right" things FEEL. Hard to explain, but you know what I mean. When you're "following your bliss," you just KNOW it. Roses are strewn at your feet. Doors open before you even knock. Miracles happen, and you find yourself thinking everyday, "I just cannot believe how lucky I am."

And when I fall OFF the path, everything starts failing. My computers at work crash. My car develops a problem. The washer breaks. People say mean things to me.

And I KNOW people will say I'm just looking for these things, but it's not true - it's repeatable, testable and obvious for me.

Transitioning has been THE "rightest" thing I've ever done. As long as I stay focused and don't allow doubts to creep in, my life is grand. Charmed. Blessed. But if I even BEGIN consider not doing this... let's not go there. I hate to even TYPE that in fact.

BUT. At the same time, I watch this destroying my wife. Every victory of mine, every joy opens an equally miserable wound in her soul, stabs her in the heart. That just CANNOT be right, and yet... it happens. And I just cannot explain WHY it would be so unfair for her, why she's being punished so cruelly through my joy.

And yet, at the same time, I have absolutely NO doubts that this is the right thing for me to do. The only hope I cling to is maybe IN THE END, looking back on all this with a broader scope, maybe then it'll make more sense.

Kate

[Sarah Louise]

So here is my plea-  All you lurkers out there who have found ways, besides transitioning and suicide, to cope with your transgendered self - speak up!!!! WE need to hear your voice too.

Your asking a very hard question Debbie.  Many of us fought this in our lives for years.  Trying everything in "our" own power to hide it, deny it, fight it.  Praying to God for it to be removed, then in my case finally telling God that if this was wrong, God would have to remove it from me, I couldn't.

I knew from around 5 or 6 years old that I wanted to be a girl, but back in the late 40's and early 50's there was no information about this, I did not know what it was.  I tried suicide before I reached my teen years.  I saw school counselors, therapist, shrinks, it did not work.  I fought it with varying degrees of success for years at a time, but it always came back, each time stronger.

I don't know of any treatment for this, other than running as far as you can from it and hiding.  Having lived it all my life, I would not wish it on my worst enemy, those inbetween years are hard.

Sarah L.

Actually the school counselors, therapists and shrinks were forced on me by the school and my parents.

[Melissa]

I'm curious though, how this works when you follow your own inner voice and it causes pain in the lives of those you love. Is it negative karma? Do you have to trust that they are able to find their own silver lining? I think I know what your answer will be but if you want to articulate it for me I'm sure I'd find it helpful.

Ah, you need to look at it from a different perspective.  What's worse, living a lie and in constant depression, bringing others around you down and being a fake (and possibly a lonely or irritable person) for the rest of your life or making some changes to yourself (which may or may not cause others some temporary stress) to be who you truly are so that you can shine in the world and be a better person.  You are looking at this with a narrow short-term view, rather than a holistic long-term view.  Is it better to just rip the bandaid off or slowly peal it off over the course of several hours?

Did you know GID gets progressively worse over time until you deal with it?  Did you think it would stay the same or possibly go away?  The problem is, as the brain matures, the gap between the gender you identify with and the sex your body is grows further and further apart.  It was something I thought I could live with for the rest of my life when I was younger.  I tried my hardest to live as my birth sex, but not only could I not pull it off so well, I was miserable in the process.  Another thing is if you ask most transsexuals that have transitioned what they're number 1 regret was, almost every single one (perhaps not the ones who started in their teens) would tell you it was that they didn't transition sooner.  It's just something to think about.