What is happiness worth?

[Kate]

Another thing is if you ask most transsexuals that have transitioned what they're number 1 regret was, almost every single one (perhaps not the ones who started in their teens) would tell you it was that they didn't transition sooner.  It's just something to think about.

Exactly.

And Debbie, ask yourself: "How would I feel if I found out today that I could NEVER transition (medical reasons, etc.)?"

Or, what if, God Forbid, you found out today you only had a month to live - and so you missed your chance to live as a woman? Now it will NEVER happen? How badly would you hate yourself then for not doing it when you could?

I *swear* the main reason many of us wait is simply because we think we have TIME. We think we can do it later, always tomorrow. We say I CAN'T but really mean NOT YET.

I can't, I won't, I shouldn't, I mustn't, I could, I might, I must, I am...

Kate

[Sandy]

EXACTLY what I just cannot figure out. I live my life by adjusting my course according to how "right" things FEEL. Hard to explain, but you know what I mean. When you're "following your bliss," you just KNOW it. Roses are strewn at your feet. Doors open before you even knock. Miracles happen, and you find yourself thinking everyday, "I just cannot believe how lucky I am."

And when I fall OFF the path, everything starts failing. My computers at work crash. My car develops a problem. The washer breaks. People say mean things to me.

And I KNOW people will say I'm just looking for these things, but it's not true - it's repeatable, testable and obvious for me.

Transitioning has been THE "rightest" thing I've ever done. As long as I stay focused and don't allow doubts to creep in, my life is grand. Charmed. Blessed. But if I even BEGIN consider not doing this... let's not go there. I hate to even TYPE that in fact.

BUT. At the same time, I watch this destroying my wife. Every victory of mine, every joy opens an equally miserable wound in her soul, stabs her in the heart. That just CANNOT be right, and yet... it happens. And I just cannot explain WHY it would be so unfair for her, why she's being punished so cruelly through my joy.

And yet, at the same time, I have absolutely NO doubts that this is the right thing for me to do. The only hope I cling to is maybe IN THE END, looking back on all this with a broader scope, maybe then it'll make more sense.

Kate

Kate, your words speak so much truth!  I too am following my bliss and my life as been illuminated by a light I never knew existed.

Perhaps your wife isn't following her bliss and that is why she is in pain.  But as you know, her blissful path may lead her away from yours.

This happened in my life as well.

-Sandy

Deb:

You will not find anyone who has found a way to cope with transsexuality besides suppression, depression, suicide or actualization.  Really those are your only options.  You cannot hide from your thoughts.  You cannot hide from who you are.  You will have to deal with it sooner or later.

And yes, it gets worse over time.

I wish I had some good news, but I don't.  Other than the miracle of transition makes life *real*.

-Sandy

[TheBattler]

I have to think that there are Transgendered people out there who have found other ways to cope with with this state of being. some other way besides transition. They may have found ways to suppress the thoughts. They may have found ways to feel fulfilled as a woman but not share it with their community. They may be living quiet lives and don't have a need to be a part of a community such as Susan's Place, or a support group.

I would be much more sure that I had all the information I needed to move on if I could talk to them and learn from them too. But they are not easy to find.   Or maybe, as some here have suggested, they are nowhere to be found because the depression has been so overpowering that they have ended the pain by ending their life.

So here is my plea-  All you lurkers out there who have found ways, besides transitioning and suicide, to cope with your transgendered self - speak up!!!! WE need to hear your voice too.

I have to say this again, because I know that reliving the choices that many of you have already made in your journey can be very difficult...
Thank you so much for all the love, support, concern, and patience that you all have shown me over the last month.

If I hadn't found this place so soon after I came out to my friend, perhaps I would have experienced this process very differently. Perhaps I would have experienced first hand the extreme depression that many of you talk about. Perhaps you have already saved my life.

Debbie

Hi Debbie,

I am also looking for a way out of this without transistioning. I know what you mean by a group mentality and it is something that I and my theripst also worries about. It is the extreme depression that brought many down to the conclusion that they need to transistion. Depression is a scary thing and I can understand why they draw that conclusion.

If I find another way I will be sure to tell everyone.

Alice

[Wendy]

Thank you Maya. This is what keeps me coming back to Susan's reading books, telling my wife, starting therapy. I've been dealing with these thoughts, like many others, since I was a very young child. Six months ago I made a conscious decision that I was going take this secret with me to the grave. Yet, here I am. Its no longer a secret with the folks at Susan's Place and more importantly - with the 6 people that I've told to set up a support group. From everything I've heard here at Susan's this is not going away and the feelings will only get stronger. But still I have to ask the question that many of you have already asked and found your answer.

Wow Debbie this is a great thread.  I decided at 18 I would take my secrets to the grave.  Over the years I tried a number of times to talk to the medical community some were downright insensitive and others just said it was depression and gave me more worthless pills.

A couple of years ago I "checked out" in belonging to society.  I decided I can solve everything alone and have done a lot of stupid things.  Telling my wife was the best advice this site could give me.

I look forward to your future posts and threads.  You seem to be very rational in your thought process.

[Kate]

I have to think that there are Transgendered people out there who have found other ways to cope with with this state of being. some other way besides transition. They may have found ways to suppress the thoughts. They may have found ways to feel fulfilled as a woman but not share it with their community.

I've looked for them for a decade. I couldn't find anyone who "beats" this aside from religious fanatics. And as others have said, those that DO manage it, those who get by with exploring a "femme side" now and then... well, it doesn't quite seem to be the same thing.

For many years, I was a member of an email list devoted to people who chose to not transition, for whatever reason. It was supposed to be about coping methods, ways to deal without doing anything permanent and life-changing. In the end, it was a very sad forum to be on. But it really opened my eyes, in time, to the road I was heading down... the misery... and where it would end. Dead, empty, having never really lived at all.

Not to be conceited, but darn it, I'm REALLY good at figuring things out. At exposing them for what they are. If I set my mind to it, I can get to the bottom of pretty much anything. So I figured I'd once and for all get to the bottom of GID. Expose it for the goofy psych problem I was sure it was. I read every web site, every theory, every post. I write out my own feelings in insane detail, looking for patterns, trying to trace things back to being dropped on my head as a baby or whatever. And I FULLY expected I'd "cure" this by exposing it for what it truly was.

It didn't work out that way. The more I looked, the more real it became. The deeper I went, the more feelings and TRUTHS I exposed about who I am. I exposed it alright... as being exactly what I feared it was.

Like Cindi says: this is a one-way road. DO NOT LOOK INTO THIS ANY FURTHER, if you want to have any chance of escape.

Kate

[debbiej]

Just two more things and then I'm going to try to move on:

1.   I did a google search on "Transgender cure" and I really didn't like what I found. Sure there were many sites that talked about there NOT being a cure (I've been to many sites like them) and they were all very affirming of who I think I am and reiterated much of what most of you have been telling me. But the one site that I found that did claim to help transgenders and transsexuals "get cured" just did not feel good to me at all. I'm pretty open to other peoples ideas but it felt creepy. That's the best word that pops into my head - creepy. Nothing blissful about following their recommendations Sandy.

2.   I've been tooling around pretty good since I had my first session with my therapist on Tuesday. I have been feeling very rational and thoughtful and asked some very important questions here at Susan's and you all have challenged me and supported me. Its been great!! Hey, I thought, I can handle this!!!  Then it hit me again. I could barely function this afternoon. It took a huge amount of energy to be present to my staff and to get any work done. I was helping our Buildings and Grounds man set up scaffolding and drill through some poured concrete and brickwork with a big ole hammer drill (Inset your best Tim Allen grunt here) and twice I had to go hide with my thoughts. Once I had to retreat back to my office just to be alone. The other time - Our B&G man had gone on to work on another project and I was left to sweep up the brick and morter dust that had settled on the floor. I had to stop sweeping and go sit down or I might have collapsed. There was nothing sexual about it. I just had to be alone with my thoughts. Thoughts of who I truly was.

So Kate, Cindi, Melissa, Sandy, Sarah, Maya, Tink et. al.

Your telling me this is what I'm going to have to deal with until I finally make a decision to transition? AND its going to get worse?

Oh my!!!!

Pray for me - please!!

Debbie

[Sarah Louise]

I wish I could give you the answer your were looking for Debbie, unfortunately I don't have an answer.

Sarah L.

[TheBattler]

Just two more things and then I'm going to try to move on:

1.   I did a google search on "Transgender cure" and I really didn't like what I found. Sure there were many sites that talked about there NOT being a cure (I've been to many sites like them) and they were all very affirming of who I think I am and reiterated much of what most of you have been telling me. But the one site that I found that did claim to help transgenders and transsexuals "get cured" just did not feel good to me at all. I'm pretty open to other peoples ideas but it felt creepy. That's the best word that pops into my head - creepy. Nothing blissful about following their recommendations Sandy.

2.   I've been tooling around pretty good since I had my first session with my therapist on Tuesday. I have been feeling very rational and thoughtful and asked some very important questions here at Susan's and you all have challenged me and supported me. Its been great!! Hey, I thought, I can handle this!!!  Then it hit me again. I could barely function this afternoon. It took a huge amount of energy to be present to my staff and to get any work done. I was helping our Buildings and Grounds man set up scaffolding and drill through some poured concrete and brickwork with a big ole hammer drill (Inset your best Tim Allen grunt here) and twice I had to go hide with my thoughts. Once I had to retreat back to my office just to be alone. The other time - Our B&G man had gone on to work on another project and I was left to sweep up the brick and morter dust that had settled on the floor. I had to stop sweeping and go sit down or I might have collapsed. There was nothing sexual about it. I just had to be alone with my thoughts. Thoughts of who I truly was.

So Kate, Cindi, Melissa, Sandy, Sarah, Maya, Tink et. al.

Your telling me this is what I'm going to have to deal with until I finally make a decision to transition? AND its going to get worse?

Oh my!!!!

Pray for me - please!!

Debbie

Debbie,

I have been there many times during my work hours. There where days when I read something here and just had to do outside and cry. There have been days when I could not hold back and I cried on the phone to my boss. This has forced me to come out and work and now through all of this I am only working part time - using the rest as sick leave. I have so many times wanted to go back to my former life and forget all this stuff existed - but in the end I had to face my inner thoughts because they overwellmed me. 

I am hoping for a way out with transistion. My identiy all my life has been as a guy (this may be different for you) but in the ened my need to cross dress has become to much and I ask my self every hour of my day for an easy exit without transistion. I can accept I can and like to corss dress. But untill I find a way out of my depression I am stuck hear looking for answers as well.

Alice

[Sandy]

That's the best word that pops into my head - creepy. Nothing blissful about following their recommendations Sandy.


So Kate, Cindi, Melissa, Sandy, Sarah, Maya, Tink et. al.

Your telling me this is what I'm going to have to deal with until I finally make a decision to transition? AND its going to get worse?

Oh my!!!!

Pray for me - please!!

Debbie

Deb:

In our communications it has become apparent to me that you are a good judge of character.  If that website was creepy, then it was.  I can only imagine what their recommendations were.  Given that, no, they are not on a blissful path.

Yes, hon, it will get worse.  And really there is only one decision to make.  Not if, but when.  I think you already know this in your heart of hearts.  But when you do, the magic of the miracle starts.  It will be beautiful!

And Deb, you will always be in my prayers.  I do so want you to be happy.

-Sandy

[Jillieann Rose]

If you are right in this TS issue than I have one question.
Should we be encouraging new people to start down this oneway path?
I know i've come to far to turn around.
Jillieann

[debbiej]

If you are right in this TS issue than I have one question.
Should we be encouraging new people to start down this oneway path?

Good question Julliane.

As a 20-something I worked at a church camp and I'll never forget the training week where we were cautioned to share with the campers only what their young minds could easily cope with (funny now -considering how young and immature my mind was at the time) The reasoning was - if we opened up their minds to concepts that were especially difficult to deal with, we would not be around to help them continue what may be a difficult journey after they left at the end of the week. We were not told to NOT share our faith, but we encouraged to be very careful with what we shared.

Of course this issue is different.

Of course we hope that folks that visit here are reasoning adults and that have other resources to draw on to make the important decisions on whether to start down this journey. I also feel that, as long as I'm willing to ask questions here and share my struggles, no one is going to abandon me to go down this path alone. (At least the last time I checked, no one has checked the box in any of my posts to "ignore" me).

Also, perhaps in my naiveté, I'm still believing that I'll still be able to control this and even turn around go back if it becomes too painful. But it is a risk I'm aware of and I am facing this as a reasoning adult.

But still, I think, we need to be cautious and make sure folks know they need to depend on more than just one individual or even just Susan's Place for their information and their support.

Debbie

[Kimberly]

Also, perhaps in my naiveté, I'm still believing that I'll still be able to control this and even turn around go back if it becomes too painful. But it is a risk I'm aware of and I am facing this as a reasoning adult.

Something to be aware of is that the turning around to go back can be one of the more painful things.

If you are right in this TS issue than I have one question.
Should we be encouraging new people to start down this oneway path?
I know i've come to far to turn around.
Jillieann

An knowing what you know, would you want someone to encourage you to suffer? Er not do anything about this condition?

^*shrug*

My point of view is rather gung ho I suppose, but if you are... then DO.
^*shrug* dwelling in purgatory is not what this life is about.


Sand in the wind

[Suzy]

This is a great discussion, and I have been interested to read it.  But I have one question which I haven't seen anyone answer.

What is happiness?  Really, I'm not just trying to split hairs here.  But this is a question I've been working on.

Like Wendy, mine was a secret I fully planned on taking with me to the grave.  Something happened, and it came out anyway.  I had no plans or desire to be here, but here I am.  During the times I can be a woman for extended periods I think I am discovering how it feels to be happy for the first time in my life.

But when I think of losing my family and career (I've never been very attached to material things) I wonder if there is something beyond happiness, something more valuable worth striving for.  Is happiness fleeting, while there something else more worthy of our pursuit?

Kristi

[debbiej]

What is happiness?  Really, I'm not just trying to split hairs here.  But this is a question I've been working on.

But when I think of losing my family and career (I've never been very attached to material things) I wonder if there is something beyond happiness, something more valuable worth striving for.  Is happiness fleeting, while there something else more worthy of our pursuit?

Kristi

Kristi,

Of course I can only speak for myself, but for me, happiness is an indicator of a meaningful life. I like to believe that I'm making in difference and improving the lives of those around me. I support my wife in her ministry (I'm the principle income earner and she is part time), I am a good father to my children and they will be raised as tolerant, caring people, I have work that helps others deepen their walk with God, I'm an active member of my church which supports others in their journeys.

So perhaps my happiness is just a fleeting indicator of the deeper meaning that you are asking about. And for me its the meaningful life. It would be very difficult for me to give that up - even if its for a potentially MORE meaningful life.

I was reading another thread earlier this morning that asked "How has being TG changed your personality?" Except for one reply it was all positive (I think maybe that one negative reply was facetious) If accepting your TG and being a woman (finally!!) makes you happy and makes you a better person and gives greater meaning to your life... then that would be, as you say, "more worthy of our pursuit".

One more thing:

I was also reading the thread "Being transsexual is a sin?" and I think it also relates to your comment. If being happy, becoming a better person, and seeking more meaning in your life is the result of embracing your TG. How can that possibly be a sin?

Debbie

[Kate]

But when I think of losing my family and career (I've never been very attached to material things) I wonder if there is something beyond happiness, something more valuable worth striving for.  Is happiness fleeting, while there something else more worthy of our pursuit?

It's surprising, but I'm not really transitioning to make myself happier, or pursuing happiness. In many ways, I'm almost more sad now than before - though in a deeper, more honest way - and about how things evolved, what I've lost, mostly in terms of my marriage and even my personality.

Transitioning, for me, is exchanging one set of problems for another. I'm not necessarily "happier" now that I'm doing it... not exactly. The thing is though, they're MY problems now, *appropriate* problems coming from striving to be who I am, rather than from denying it. The joys and sad moments are MINE now, direct and deeply felt, exposed and honest.  Before, it was almost living like a parasite through someone else, experiencing HIS feelings, HIS problems.

Kate

[TheBattler]

Happiness means a lot and worth everything. I go back to the words Sandy wrote

Nothing you have external to yourself will mean anything if you spend most of your waking hours in clinical depression.  A wonderful family, nice house, good job, and everything else will have no meaning.

Many of us would say we had good careers, Job and family ETC. They where happy with everything except GID was eating at there soul. In the end that feeling in side made us sad and depressed. I would of preferred that not happen to me but it did and I am left with the consequences and work my way out if depression. Unfortunalty I can not just walk away from this like I would like - it would just leave me where I was at the start - looking happy on the outside but on the inside I was just sad. It is what is on the inside that matters.

Alice

[Jillieann Rose]

For me it seem like I am dwelling in purgatory no-mater which way I go.
Family or self? What kind of choice is that and how does that lead to happiness?
Sorry if I sound negative but just expressing what I think. TS stink much of the time and Iwould not wish it on my wost enemy.

Jillieann

[Wendy]

But when I think of losing my family and career (I've never been very attached to material things) I wonder if there is something beyond happiness, something more valuable worth striving for.  Is happiness fleeting, while there something else more worthy of our pursuit?
Kristi

I just sat here for 1 hour thinking about what has been written in this thread.

I can remember TG issues back to my earliest memories.  At this point I wish the TG issues would just go away.  I do not want to think about it but I have not found a way to stop thinking about it.  At forty it was hard to contain but by fifty it is no longer manageable.

I do not consider two years of HRT as transitioning.  A female waist cincher is for back support.  Reducing muscle mass is simply dieting.  For me this has nothing to do with happiness it is simply my subconscious refusing to listen to my conscious any longer.

I prefer my body changes and my depression seems to not be as bad.  However I am not productive at this point in my life and all my energy is consumed in my conscious battling my subconscious.

I could give a page of irrational and self-destructive behaviors but you probably know them.  By having chatted here some rationality is starting to come back to me.  My current actions are not being done to make me happy but rather my lack of actions are destroying my life.

W

[Fer]

My own recipe for happiness:

Mix together self-love, love of others & the planet, an attitude of gratitude, hobbies & fun, closeness to nature, an appreciation of beauty, serenity, acceptance, enthusiasm and curiosity.

Let it simmer. Let it fill you up.

It is sweet & filling. It will sustain you the rest of your life if you let it.

Enjoy the little things. Dont take anything for granted. Try to be positive. Open your heart to love (yourself & everyone & everything else).

Good luck!

[Nigella]

I agree with Melissa, I have only been registered here for a few days and I am just starting. I am 48 thought I could live OK with the body I was born with but no. Thoughts and feelings have grown considerably stronger these last two years. I can no longer deny them. I didn't even know what this was called or that it even had a name until two weeks ago. Thankfully there is a genda dysphoric clinic only 20 miles away from me to which I have made contacted.

I don't know where this will take me, my wife or family. I feel too, that it is a road to destruction, but maybe not, may be a road to the real me that has been hidden for to long. If I knew what I know now, two weeks later, I would have done this twenty, thirty years ago than live with what I see as a curse. I too would not wish this on my worst enemy.

I believe we cannot truly be happy until we are truly open and honest with who we are, I will try to hold onto that in what I see will be a tough, hard uphill struggle.

I am also a Christian (makes things even worse, lol) went to church today and the speaker said, Jesus meets us where we are. I don't know if I should mention that, don't want to spoil my new found friends. I went to church praying that something would be said to me to help me. It did. Blessing to you.

All the best to you all with hugs and kisses

Your new friend

Nigella