Just came out to someone and feel sad. Anyone feel this way.

[aleon515]

No no everything went well. She is someone from work and I felt I wanted to have a few people from work call me Jay Jay and so on. Well everything went well. It was a little hard starting to tell her. I floundered around and just told her. She was very understanding and asked some questions. She didn't know the difference between gender and sexual orientation. But I had an easy time explaining that.

Anyway, i finished we had a nice talk and now I feel very sad or emotional or something. Any ideas on that one? I don't think she will change her mind or anything like that.

--Jay Jay

[Edge]

I don't know why that is, but I have felt that way too. Even if they act totally ok with it, I still feel sad.

[KingConq]

I understand how you feel in a way, i know when i came out to my mom i felt relieved but also sort of trapped. I think because it's a pretty big thing to tell someone i felt like in some weird situation where this wasn't what i wanted and i chose to go back i couldn't because now i had told someone. Long story short i actually back tracked and sort of detransitioned after telling my mother, i just don't think the time was right for me. Then i came out properly 6 months later when i had fully accepted everything and knew it was 100% what i needed. I don't know if this is the same for you, but as for any feeling after coming out its pretty normal. It's a big thing emotionally and i think it takes a lot of courage, i'm sure you'll feel better for it in the long run.

[MariaMx]

That sounds familiar somehow. I can't quiet put my finger on it though.

For me coming out to everyone was a huge relief, but sometime afterwards I felt this tremendous burden. Coming out turned out to be easy. All I really had to do was open my mouth and talk. The doing that came after was the hard part and I felt that since I had come out and told everyone about my plans there was no turning back. Not that there was anyway but it sort of cemented the seriousness of it and I was scared I wouldn't make it. Some days this feeling really got me down. Maybe something similar is going on with you.

[aleon515]

I think that might be it. It may be due to my feelings of *now* this is serious. When I told two people, I didn't feel this way, but now I have plans to tell several more, and that gets almost like a commitment.

I am also seeing this is hard for one of my friends. She is having lots of trouble calling me Jay Jay, and even called me "ma'am" a couple times (I think it is an expression, like "Yes Ma'am!!"). I find her struggling with that a bit. Another thing we were in a store and I was buying furniture, where you know the ma'ams wouldn't just be once. He said "ma'am how can I help you?" I shook the guy's hand and said, please call me "Jay Jay". He actually apologized. I was actually kind of proud of myself. But the other person (a different one) said that she usually ignores that sort of thing. I ended up explaining this in a way she got, but I think she was uncomfortable with it. I guess I am figuring out that my friends are not just going to have to accept me but all the cr**  that goes along with it.

--Jay Jay

[glicious]

Jay Jay,  I think it's absolutely normal to feel sad after coming out.  It's a big part of how we humans connect through emotions.  When you tell someone and if they feel sad they will project that sadness and you can't escape but absorb all of that.  You don't see people crying at a wedding, well you can but it's a different matter all together, but what I'm trying to say that it's a 'bounce-effect' something that I have worked on with other friends/support group in the past.  It is impossible to tell why we feel a certain way at times, but it's all part of who we are.

Pat yourself on the back for coming out and being determined in telling the world how you want to be addressed.  You are a beautiful person and others should (or be thought how to) respect you for who you are.  Don't feel guilty in any way that you're putting them in an uncomfortable place, they can educate themselves and put forward their best effort in welcoming you.

[aleon515]

Jay Jay,  I think it's absolutely normal to feel sad after coming out.  It's a big part of how we humans connect through emotions.  When you tell someone and if they feel sad they will project that sadness and you can't escape but absorb all of that.  You don't see people crying at a wedding, well you can but it's a different matter all together, but what I'm trying to say that it's a 'bounce-effect' something that I have worked on with other friends/support group in the past.  It is impossible to tell why we feel a certain way at times, but it's all part of who we are.

Pat yourself on the back for coming out and being determined in telling the world how you want to be addressed.  You are a beautiful person and others should (or be thought how to) respect you for who you are.  Don't feel guilty in any way that you're putting them in an uncomfortable place, they can educate themselves and put forward their best effort in welcoming you.

That was a wonderful, supportive post!! Thanks!
I don't know that I picked up on their sadness-- interesting idea. I don't know that I felt that. But I do think it's a big deal! And  I agree that it is not always possible to tell why we feel stuff. Perhaps I picked up on some unconscious thought or emotion.

I think there is a line between feeling guilty and understanding they are going to struggle with this. After all prior to April (or whenever), they did not. Yeah I more feel good about how I have handled a few things-- maybe not everything but who does that well?!

Another thought I had was it takes a lot of psychic energy to tell someone. (At least for me it does.) And I have worked up a lot of stress and emotion and trying to figure out how i will do this, and so on. Even someone I pretty well figure is going to take this well. So after you do this, you feel maybe let down, relief that is draining??

Thanks for everyone's comments. I have really appreciated them.


--Jay Jay

[foosnark]

There is also a common thing where the relief of stress actually lets you feel sad, or makes it happen.  There could be some of that going on.

[aleon515]

There is also a common thing where the relief of stress actually lets you feel sad, or makes it happen.  There could be some of that going on.

Yeah, I was thinking about this. Sort of a let down after all the stress and psychic energy.

--Jay Jay

[Rarrarr]

I had the same thing but when i came out as a Cross dresser. All of the sudden everything went from fantasies to real life or something when i outed myself, and there was no turning back. From now on everyone in my family will know about me. If i hadn't told anyone and eventually decided to quit dressing then nothing would happen. That's kinda why i felt sad after outing myself. Even cried during coming out.

[Empty Miroir]

I just told my close family friend today, I glad to say I feel hopeful. Just really nervous on how to explain it all so she understands and happy that I've got some one to help with the support. She really wants to help me get everything I need to be happy. I wish there were more people in this world like that.


It's sad when even parents can't understand or sympathize with people about this. My father thinks I'm "mutilating" myself and it's supposedly "just a phase" in his eyes.

[Winter(howl)]

It's really interesting that this post came up and I'm really relieved I looked at it because it kind of fits in with what I'm feeling right now.

I came out to my fiancé, who was understandably nervous and worried about being replaced or something, but I explained that hey, it was still me and I hadn't changed, I just had a real-life term for what I felt all the time and that it made me very happy.  I talked to him about how it wasn't sexual, but gender-related, etc.  He's actually seen me experience this conflict for ages and although I've talked to him about it, I'm able to define it now in a much more real way.  So anyway, that went really well though I think he's a little confused, but I'm happier now, he's happier and it's just all been a really, really good thing even in just these past few days. 

Now, here comes the part where I can relate...

So last night, I was going to tell one of my best friends in the entire world, and I stumbled.  I just couldn't do it...and then she was teasing me and like "omg what IS it!?  TELL ME!!!" and I totally froze and was like, "uh, I'll tell you later, I picked a bad time."  So, I totally couldn't tell her and I felt...wow, I don't quite know.  Sad definitely but as some others have mentioned, it became "REAL" with a capital-R.  I couldn't believe my reaction though!  I mean, yes, the term two-spirit or genderqueer is new to me, but the feelings have long been there though never this clearly defined.

I felt unspeakably sad because I guess I feel like I didn't trust her or I felt ashamed...I honestly don't know what I felt, but I was gripped with this fear and just became paralyzed.  Now I feel like I let myself down, and her too. 

[aleon515]

Let's just say it gets better! Or easier at least. It's been about 3 weeks. I told 3 people in two days. Very very easy. These were people I was about 100% sure would take it well or be actively supportive. One person I told her I wanted to be called _______, and commented there was a reason. She started talking about just how curious she was to know. Anyway I finally said, ok I'll give you the 2 minute version. We walked out in the hallway and I proceeded to tell her that this all had to do with gender identity and the rest just flowed. I commented-- danged that was easy.

BTW, this person is the school social worker. This school is so lucky to have someone of this caliber instead of the tools they usually have.

--Jay Jay

[JinJan]

Hi, all - I am late to this party, I guess (although, as we know, most times, androgyny is far from a party!)

Some really great sentiments and emotions - I, truthfully, have been back and forth, with whether or not, I 'need' to tell anyone, about my feelings of being androgynous.  I actually think my hubby knows, pretty much, already.  I have figured out, that, with him specifically, it is better, for him, to tell him in small 'doses'.  It is working well, I think, and I am not feeling 'less than', for not having told him in one fell swoop.  I think every person receives this kind of news, differently.

But, I was out with my mom, having a wonderfully bonding time with her, and it just 'came out'.  (I have always wondered if part of my androgyny was because I thought I should be, the boy, they never had) - Anyway, she really listened, and I began crying, when she, sincerely, asked me, "Was that hard for you, sometimes"?  I said, "Yes, many times".  I feel much relieved, having told her (like Foosnark, I felt there was a very good chance, that she would be understanding, about it - even knowing that, tho, it still makes me cry

[JinJan]

A couple editorial comments - sorry I didn't 'end' my post properly - my tablet cut me off!  And, it was Aleon, who made the comment, that I wrongly attributed to Foosnark.  Sorry Aleon!   JinJan.

[aleon515]

No biggie,

--Jay Jay

[Phoeniks]

I understand how you feel in a way, i know when i came out to my mom i felt relieved but also sort of trapped. I think because it's a pretty big thing to tell someone i felt like in some weird situation where this wasn't what i wanted and i chose to go back i couldn't because now i had told someone. Long story short i actually back tracked and sort of detransitioned after telling my mother, i just don't think the time was right for me. Then i came out properly 6 months later when i had fully accepted everything and knew it was 100% what i needed.

Interesting... Just as a short note, I recently had a similar experience.

After joining this site a few months back, I told a few friends about my thoughts and got sort of backtracked with the whole thing. Even if I had the feeling they understood and supported me (and we had some deep conversations), I felt out of myself and sort of blue after telling. I started questioning lots of stuff - was I androgynous/non-binary at all, in the end, or was this a cross-dressing thing? I even forgot the whole thing for a month (well, it was a ridiculously busy month).

But meanwhile I've started to have that feminine but boyish look I wanted before. Things sort of came naturally to me after having the couple-months-long setback. Maybe I needed time to process stuff unconsciously, don't know. What matters is that nowadays I've started to feel a lot more comfortable with myself as a whole, and it certainly shows.

But telling about this to those who matter is hard. Like my relatives. I'm not sure what to do, and since the last time I came out made me feel sad, I can only guess what it would be like to get rejection from my parents because of these thoughts. Mostly I've thought that I'm not going to have the conversation, just start acting more and more like the real me I am.