Today was a crap day.
I had to wait for an hour after my doctor's appointment was supposed to start before being taken to a small room and had to wait some more. I finished my book within the first few minutes. The book hit really close to home. The appointment majorly sucked. I had to rescrew a curtain rod five times this evening.
The two worst things to day were the appointment and the reminder. I won't talk about the appointment because, well, it's tmi, but I have felt gross all day and want my lower regions gone. As for the book, I don't regret reading it, but it sure had a huge affect on my mood.
I don't know how to explain this... I'm a lot like Loki, and no, I'm not saying that just because I like him or because I want to be like him or for attention or anything. Actually, he's one of the few characters I like that I don't want to be like. When I first heard and read norse myths as a kid, I knew I was in the same position as him. When I steeled myself to watch the Marvel version of Loki and turned out to like him just as much, my first reaction was "Already have! Do not want!" That was just the movie where they barely show anything. This book showed a lot more, hence why I am so rattled by it.
How do I explain what it's like to someone?
How do I explain that I have no clue what it's like to have someone on my side? Someone willing to defend me. Heck, I don't even have the slightest clue what it's like to have someone who won't hurt me for trying to defend myself. To go even further, I defended my mother from my father and, thus, became his main target. She showed her gratitude by also abusing me. I know what it's like to have the people who hurt me go blameless while I am blamed for everything because, to them, I deserve it. That thing some people say about how "no one is allowed to hurt you?" Yeah, that one really throws me for a loop. How could I possibly explain that to people who don't know? How can I possibly explain how I was always the scapegoat, the hated one, the one hurt for other's amusement. How do I explain to people who think "stick and stones" that words not only hurt, but how the years of hearing them have affected me? How do I explain that, no matter what I do, am I always, always seen as inferior to them? Sure, I can be a jerk and I'm weird, but for some reason, others feel I deserve disproportionate retribution. No one who has hurt me has ever had any negative consequences. No one ever thinks less of them. The people who don't hurt me? Yeah, there's a few. They don't associate with me. They ignore me and the ignoring damages as well. How do I explain when no one will ever believe me that it came from all sides? That everyone I have ever loved and/or trusted became my enemies.
I feel like I was raised to be a villain. Oh I'm sure it wasn't intentional and I'm not trying to justify how I turned out. However, I still feel like I was raised to be a villain. Probably because I technically was since the events of my childhood and youth have led me to here. I knew for sure by the age of eleven what I was and it was obvious for I don't know how long before then.
I don't believe in fate, but I still find it hard to believe that I'm not fated to lose no matter what. I could take over the world and I would still be ridiculed. I could become an amazing scientist and I would still be looked down on. (Of course, that doesn't stop me from trying to reach my goals anyway since, heck, I want to for myself.)
I don't know if this coincidence or if there are more people like me than I think, but Loki's story (especially the Marvel Loki) is pretty much identical. All of this was explored in the book. Hence why it hit me so hard.
It pisses me off when people suggest therapy or that one "just needs a hug." It doesn't work that way. Hugs come with knives in the back. Therapy has helped, but it can't change reality.
For the record, I don't have depression. I am capable of a whole range of emotions. I do, in fact, enjoy life a great deal. I'll destroy anyone who tries to take it away from me. I like myself because I am awesome. I will crush anyone who says different under my feet as I climb my way to being the most powerful person in the world. I may be destined to lose, but I'm going to put up a darn good fight because that is who I am and a fight is what I crave.
It's also important to note that, like Loki, I am good and loving father. It's not completely black and white. I am also not teaching my son any of this stuff that I picked up and, if he ends up a perpetual scapegoat as well, he'll at least have me.
Also, I don't mean destroy or crush literally (at least not physically). No one is worth the trouble that would cause.
