Why HER??? I Do Not Understand.

[rhonda13000]

I am really fighting with this...

I do not understand why God, when He effortlessly via His Providence could have stopped  my soon-to-be ex-spouse and I from meeting, courting and then marrying in 1997, when He knew that I would learn the truth about myself in 2005 allowed us  to form as a couple.

WHY does SHE have to suffer?? It's bad enough that I must pass through this earthbound hell, but why her??

The woman is an angel; she did not deserve this and it kills me to watch her....go through it....

I just do not understand why...

And it is adversely affecting my faith; the problem with that is that intellectually, I know that God is incapable of evil and that He does indeed work only that which is good through the machinations of His Providential control.

I cannot accuse God of evil, nor of not possessing control over the material universe, but as I watch her [and me] suffer like this, the emotions cry out in vehement contravention of the intellect. This alone is also tearing me apart.

Yet, if I give up on God notwithstanding what my mind and intellect are telling me, I have nothing; I have no more hope and life is not worth the pitiful continuance of a nominal, more often painful than not existence that it generally has been for so many years.

Why her???

I just do not understand....

[Nero]

Free will.
Everything does happen for a reason. You are probably a better person for knowing your wife and she's better for knowing you.

[Dryad]

A god can't interefere with your actions. You decide what you do; nothing else does. It may sound harsh, but you chose your beloved, and she chose you. No god made that happen.

[rhonda13000]

A god can't interefere with your actions. You decide what you do; nothing else does. It may sound harsh, but you chose your beloved, and she chose you. No god made that happen.

I was not implying otherwise.

Not at all...

I do not ascribe to a belief in 'fate'; my point is that God could have prevented the formation of our union, even before it started, via Providence.

Why He chose not to do that I just cannot understand. He knew what the future held and He knew how much she would suffer because of this and witnessing her suffering is killing me.

The mere fact that I do not understand and see why however, is meaningless; His perspective is infinite whereas mine woefully finite.

But intellectual acknowledgment of this truth is not helping me much at all.

[jeri]

dear rhonda,

you are suffering from the GID, and she is suffering because she loves you. in addition to your original pain, you are suffering because she is suffering. caring about each other is a good thing.

you met and fell in love. if anything is God's will, it is love. you will both have to accept what happens next with your relationship. if the love between you is strong, it can survive a full transition. i know couples that went through it and are still together. it is possible that you can stay together. if not, then you will both just move on. i know that is heartbreaking - i went through it myself - but it can be done. i wanted to die for awhile, but that was just cowardly. i don't really know what i learned from the experience, i gained no wisdom that justifies the suffering. i lived through it, and i am finally comfortable in my own body. she moved on, got married and had a baby. her life isn't perfect, but i think she is happy. i sure hope she is. my life isn't perfect, but at least i am at peace with myself. you have to be true to yourself, before you can do it with others. hopefully, you will find some peace as well. just stop blaming yourself for everything. you did not make a choice and determine you wanted to be transgendered. you will have to make the choice on how you deal with it. running from it doesn't work as far as i know. just let her know how much you love her, every day. and make sure you love yourself, too.

[rhonda13000]

dear rhonda,

you are suffering from the GID, and she is suffering because she loves you. in addition to your original pain, you are suffering because she is suffering. caring about each other is a good thing.

you met and fell in love. if anything is God's will, it is love. you will both have to accept what happens next with your relationship. if the love between you is strong, it can survive a full transition. i know couples that went through it and are still together. it is possible that you can stay together. if not, then you will both just move on. i know that is heartbreaking - i went through it myself - but it can be done. i wanted to die for awhile, but that was just cowardly. i don't really know what i learned from the experience, i gained no wisdom that justifies the suffering. i lived through it, and i am finally comfortable in my own body. she moved on, got married and had a baby. her life isn't perfect, but i think she is happy. i sure hope she is. my life isn't perfect, but at least i am at peace with myself. you have to be true to yourself, before you can do it with others. hopefully, you will find some peace as well. just stop blaming yourself for everything. you did not make a choice and determine you wanted to be transgendered. you will have to make the choice on how you deal with it. running from it doesn't work as far as i know. just let her know how much you love her, every day. and make sure you love yourself, too.

Been there and done that, huh girl?   

You understand, do you not?

It's just so hard, hon. Again, it's bad enough that I must pass through this seething cauldron of anguish, but her too?

I just hate watching her suffer so.

[Suzy]

Rhonda,

Thanks, hon, for sharing your pain.  I know how you feel as I make the difficult decision of whether or not to put my wife through the same thing.  She, too, is an angel.

The whole idea of "why doesn't God....." is the normal reaction, but it is illogical.  There are a lot of things God should do, if you ask me.  But that's just it.  I'm not God.  It will never make sense to my feeble mind.  That is where faith is really necessary.

Sometimes, in this crazy world that WE screwed up, others are hurt by things which are in no way their fault or their struggles.  Don't ask me why.  It's a fact in this world.  My faith simply tells me that God will be with me no matter what.

Peace, sis!
Kristi

[rhonda13000]

Rhonda,

Thanks, hon, for sharing your pain.  I know how you feel as I make the difficult decision of whether or not to put my wife through the same thing.  She, too, is an angel.

The whole idea of "why doesn't God....." is the normal reaction, but it is illogical.  There are a lot of things God should do, if you ask me.  But that's just it.  I'm not God.  It will never make sense to my feeble mind.  That is where faith is really necessary.

Sometimes, in this crazy world that WE screwed up, others are hurt by things which are in no way their fault or their struggles.  Don't ask me why.  It's a fact in this world.  My faith simply tells me that God will be with me no matter what.

Peace, sis!
Kristi

There was a time...during the incipient phase of my transition where I found myself endlessly going through automatic 'cycles of revalidation of my TS' where I would rapidly review the unequivocal evidences of my TS. The inevitable conclusion of this was always the same:

"Yeah girl, you've definitely got TS and you've got it bad, so stop asking!"

This got to the point where it was driving me crazy [well, more crazy]. After a while, this more or less, ceased.

But now, I find myself engaged in this 'revalidation cycling' all over again; but this time it is much shorter in duration and the conclusion is still inevitably the same:

"There is no going back, honey. The fact is undeniable and too much has changed, lo, continues to change. You can never again be who you once were trying but failing, to be."

She had been through hell in her and much heartache in her life, seeking a good husband, as I was, a wife. ANd we found each other and thought that finally, we found that 'special one' long sought after - and then I finally learn this about myself on the same day that earlier, I had decided that it was finally time to die in order to put an end to my seemingly unresolvable pain.

And then it all began to fall apart.

Who in hell would have thought or predicted that this would happen??

And now, she is back in the same straits that she was, before we met and she is hurting largely because of it....

[mary83054]

Rhonda:
   I do not now how to respond to your pain except to say that i also ask the same questions and come up with very similar answers.  In my case my wife happens to be an ordained minister, and now not only does who I am affect the both of us it affects her chosen career.  In our case at least so far she has been very understanding and supportive  but knowing that it may have a negative effect on her minsitry is so hard.  It has already had such an affect to a small degree since we both have been active missionaries in Africa and are now leaving the field because I need to work on my transition and it would not be good for the church or our work or my safety to do that here.  So we are giving up something we both strongly feel God called us into doing.  Why did God bring us here if God knew we (I) was going to be unable to keep this hidden and need to transition.  I don't now all I can do is accept that God loves us both and still will find us aposition where we can be of service to God and whoever needs us. I will be praying for you and your situation as I pray for every girl I meet on thsi site.

God Loves all us even throught he pain.

Love:

Mary

[rhonda13000]

Rhonda:
   I do not now how to respond to your pain except to say that i also ask the same questions and come up with very similar answers.  In my case my wife happens to be an ordained minister, and now not only does who I am affect the both of us it affects her chosen career.  In our case at least so far she has been very understanding and supportive  but knowing that it may have a negative effect on her minsitry is so hard.  It has already had such an affect to a small degree since we both have been active missionaries in Africa and are now leaving the field because I need to work on my transition and it would not be good for the church or our work or my safety to do that here.  So we are giving up something we both strongly feel God called us into doing.  Why did God bring us here if God knew we (I) was going to be unable to keep this hidden and need to transition.  I don't now all I can do is accept that God loves us both and still will find us aposition where we can be of service to God and whoever needs us. I will be praying for you and your situation as I pray for every girl I meet on thsi site.

God Loves all us even throught he pain.

Love:

Mary

It is funny that you should state this, Mary.

Linda has brought many a soul to Christ; she is truly doing God's work. It occurred to me that I might prove to be an embarrassment to her in both the spiritual and social realms, because of my TS and need to transition.

I have mixed feelings about this and I need to emphasize that this is conjecture on my part, not known fact.

In any case, she has suffered enough due to my TS and IMHO, love demands that we separate.

Human beings are funny and this could simply be rationalization on my part, but this is not the time to 'take a stand' relative to the validity of my TS and acceptability to God. She has been through enough.

It is conceivable that she eventually will possess true understanding and real knowledge relative to transsexuality, but this is not the time to become militant.

But it still hurts tremendously...

[Melissa]

Rhonda, if you feel it was your destiny to go through the suffering of GID, then why can't you see that it may have been her destiny to do so as well?

[Wendy]

But it still hurts tremendously... [/color][/font][/size][/i]

Rhonda,

We are God's children.  God loves us regardless of whatever gender/ form we start and whatever gender/ form we end on earth.  God lets us make our decisions.

I feel very lucky to have had my wife and children even if something destroys that bond.  (My guess you and Linda felt lucky to have each other too.)

I can have some control over my future but I have no control over what I have done (be it good or bad).

I am very sorry you and Linda are in pain.  The best we can do is help each other navigate some obstacles during our lives.  Sometimes we hit an iceberg and those with us got to jump into different lifeboats in order to be saved.

W

[jeri]

melissa, i think that you are right. God doesn't make mistakes. i think maybe we received this obstacle as a gift, as something we would have to live with and learn from. i do believe that i have become a stronger, more empathetic, and better person because of it. i thank God every day for whatever good i find in life... i know that i appreciate the simple things ever so much. we have to learn to love ourselves, and just pass on that love to all of those who touch our lives...

[jamesBrine]

hey rhonda13000.
       To begin I would like to say thank you for the honour and blessing I have in being able to share in your pain and anguish. This must be difficult to share. So agian thank you for sharing your experience.
       As I was reading I came across you saying "love demands that we separate." I was wondering if it would be possible for you to elaborate on what you mean. Why does love require you to seperate? Does love not involve letting those you love the most suffer with you? 
       I'll be praying for you.
              James

[Lydia]

Rhonda13000,

Generally I don't like to comment in matters of faith. Some of my views aren't mainstream. In some ways I'm faced by a similar situation. I utterly and whole heartedly love my wife and I hate to see her suffer but my beliefs give me some respite from the pain.

True. 'God' as you state is not capable of evil. I however, prefer to think that 'god' has positive influences on our life while his/her counterpart has negative.

It is the combination of these two eternal forces that provide balance for all that exists. For example, without the endless cycle of death/decay (a negative force) and life/birth (a positive force) there would be an imbalance. The world would cease to function as we know it. What would happen it plants did not die to feed the new growth and life that relied on there decay for birth and existence.

I think it is the same with life. Without suffering and pain (the negative influence) could we truely understand what it means to love, to care and to grow as spiritual beings. Pehaps god gave you the gift of your wife for the same reason that she recieved it. To understand and appreciate what love really is. If I may be so bold as to ask 'Has the pain and the suffering (both yours and that you see in your wife) made you more appreciative of your wife, the love you have for her, the importance of that love and it's meaning. As the supreme positive being wouldn't 'god' want us to truely appreciate the importance of love for our fellow person. Perhaps this was his/her intent even though the lesson is so harsh. The lesson is not the suffering but the understand of love you gain. The lesson is meant for both you and your wife.

Life is full of growth and spiritual lessons meant to enrich our souls.

[rhonda13000]

Rhonda13000,

Generally I don't like to comment in matters of faith. Some of my views aren't mainstream. In some ways I'm faced by a similar situation. I utterly and whole heartedly love my wife and I hate to see her suffer but my beliefs give me some respite from the pain.

True. 'God' as you state is not capable of evil. I however, prefer to think that 'god' has positive influences on our life while his/her counterpart has negative.

It is the combination of these two eternal forces that provide balance for all that exists. For example, without the endless cycle of death/decay (a negative force) and life/birth (a positive force) there would be an imbalance. The world would cease to function as we know it. What would happen it plants did not die to feed the new growth and life that relied on there decay for birth and existence.

I think it is the same with life. Without suffering and pain (the negative influence) could we truely understand what it means to love, to care and to grow as spiritual beings. Pehaps god gave you the gift of your wife for the same reason that she recieved it. To understand and appreciate what love really is. If I may be so bold as to ask 'Has the pain and the suffering (both yours and that you see in your wife) made you more appreciative of your wife, the love you have for her, the importance of that love and it's meaning. As the supreme positive being wouldn't 'god' want us to truely appreciate the importance of love for our fellow person. Perhaps this was his/her intent even though the lesson is so harsh. The lesson is not the suffering but the understand of love you gain. The lesson is meant for both you and your wife.

Life is full of growth and spiritual lessons meant to enrich our souls.

Let me just say or admit rather, that mine are the objections of a human being crying out in pain against an apparent 'inequity'.

Yeah, I intellectualize and phrase these objections accordingly but hey, they're born of pure emotion and pain.

"Love demands that we separate" - in this case the statement, for the reasons stated, is specious; it's rationalization.
I really do not want this separation to happen and I am just now beyond the point where I was crying nearly every day [and sometimes, several times a day].

I am in no position to criticize God and there is very likely 'more to the equation' than the fact that God, knowing that I would finally understand who I was in 2005, could have Providentially prevented Linda and I from even forming as a couple, at the outset.

Great pain drives you to 'cry out' indiscriminately. 

[Seshatneferw]

Is "why her?" ultimately the right question to ask? Dealing guilt over what happened is not very productive, whether we blame ourselves, our SO's, God, or someone else. What we can do is try to deal with the situation, both rationally and -- especially -- emotionally.

Although this has been hard, and is likely to get worse, I still would not change my life if I could; from our discussions, it seems that my wife agrees. We are both scared to death over what will happen in the next few years, but that does not change the past. Tennyson gave a pretty good summary of the feeling in In Memoriam (in this forum it might be better to quote S. Augustine with essentially the same thing, but that's apocryphal):

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
    I feel it, when I sorrow most;
    'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Hugs,
  Nfr

[debbiej]

And it is adversely affecting my faith; the problem with that is that intellectually, I know that God is incapable of evil and that He does indeed work only that which is good through the machinations of His Providential control.

I cannot accuse God of evil, nor of not possessing control over the material universe, but as I watch her [and me] suffer like this, the emotions cry out in vehement contravention of the intellect. This alone is also tearing me apart.

Yet, if I give up on God notwithstanding what my mind and intellect are telling me, I have nothing; I have no more hope and life is not worth the pitiful continuance of a nominal, more often painful than not existence that it generally has been for so many years.

Why her???

I just do not understand....[/color][/font][/size][/i]

Excuse me for being blunt but you seem to think you've got this God stuff figured out. "the machinations of His Providential control." I'll have to do a word search of the bible later but I don't think some of those words are in there. They must have come from somewhere else.  My point? While tradition (and that is really what the bible is too - a record of our traditional understanding of God and how god works in the world) is important in helping us understand god sometimes we need to step back and listen to God's Spirit speaking directly to our soul.

The great Methodist theologian, John Wesley once wrote in his diary , "I am now convinced that there is no god." And from that point created a new understanding of God which ultimately resulted in what is now the United Methodist Church. John Wesley started listening to God instead of the people,with all their flaws and biases, who had started him on his journey.

Now, I don't think the Methodist church is finished developing their theology any more than I am. Mine is very different than it was when I was a Methodist and it is very different than it was a decade ago or a year ago or a month ago.

I could tell you how my theology, my understanding of what God is, does not conflict in any way with my life and my struggles (which are very similar to yours at the moment) but it would only be me relating my experience of God. You have your own experience of how the concept of God has been important in your life. Just don't be afraid to let God change. Because it is not really God that's changing, its our understanding of what God is that changes.

I'll pray for you as you continue your journey of understanding. And I will pray for as your relationship with your SO continues to change and grow.

Debbie

[rhonda13000]

Is "why her?" ultimately the right question to ask? Dealing guilt over what happened is not very productive, whether we blame ourselves, our SO's, God, or someone else. What we can do is try to deal with the situation, both rationally and -- especially -- emotionally.

Although this has been hard, and is likely to get worse, I still would not change my life if I could; from our discussions, it seems that my wife agrees. We are both scared to death over what will happen in the next few years, but that does not change the past. Tennyson gave a pretty good summary of the feeling in In Memoriam (in this forum it might be better to quote S. Augustine with essentially the same thing, but that's apocryphal):

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
    I feel it, when I sorrow most;
    'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Hugs,
  Nfr

Again hon, mine were the protestations and objections of a woman in great pain and agony.

The human perspective is constricted enough but when under high emotional duress, it become even more constricted,

In some cases, fatally so and that is one of the biggest reasons why when one is feeling suicidal, they need to solicit the counsel and perspectives of others, who are not being influenced by the same very negative bias, be it trusted friends or professional counselors.

There was a time when I vociferously condemned God in my agony for what I and Linda were suffering through; but no more.

I cannot see everything, all of the pertinent elements in our situation and our respective lives, whereas God can, having an infinite Mind.

After a while, intellectually I had to acknowledge this fact and harmonize my emotional self with that reality, or I would crack.

It is even conceivable as I scribe these words that God does ultimately intend for she and I to remain together; even just yesterday, Linda acknowledged the same.

I simply do not know.

And it is adversely affecting my faith; the problem with that is that intellectually, I know that God is incapable of evil and that He does indeed work only that which is good through the machinations of His Providential control.

I cannot accuse God of evil, nor of not possessing control over the material universe, but as I watch her [and me] suffer like this, the emotions cry out in vehement contravention of the intellect. This alone is also tearing me apart.

Yet, if I give up on God notwithstanding what my mind and intellect are telling me, I have nothing; I have no more hope and life is not worth the pitiful continuance of a nominal, more often painful than not existence that it generally has been for so many years.

Why her???

I just do not understand....[/color][/font][/size][/i]

Excuse me for being blunt but you seem to think you've got this God stuff figured out. "the machinations of His Providential control." I'll have to do a word search of the bible later but I don't think some of those words are in there. They must have come from somewhere else.  My point? While tradition (and that is really what the bible is too - a record of our traditional understanding of God and how god works in the world) is important in helping us understand god sometimes we need to step back and listen to God's Spirit speaking directly to our soul.

The great Methodist theologian, John Wesley once wrote in his diary , "I am now convinced that there is no god." And from that point created a new understanding of God which ultimately resulted in what is now the United Methodist Church. John Wesley started listening to God instead of the people,with all their flaws and biases, who had started him on his journey.

Now, I don't think the Methodist church is finished developing their theology any more than I am. Mine is very different than it was when I was a Methodist and it is very different than it was a decade ago or a year ago or a month ago.

I could tell you how my theology, my understanding of what God is, does not conflict in any way with my life and my struggles (which are very similar to yours at the moment) but it would only be me relating my experience of God. You have your own experience of how the concept of God has been important in your life. Just don't be afraid to let God change. Because it is not really God that's changing, its our understanding of what God is that changes.

I'll pray for you as you continue your journey of understanding. And I will pray for as your relationship with your SO continues to change and grow.

Debbie

Those words are indeed not in Scripture, but the concept is.

And I would gently suggest that Truth can in reality be known and understood,

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." - John 8:32

"At that time Jesus said, 'I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and intelligent and have revealed them to infants.'" - Matthew 11:25

You say and do things whilst in pain and agony that have no basis in reality and God becomes a convenient target for this misplaced wrath, but it's wrong and inappropriate.

But being God, He understands.

[Seshatneferw]

I think I understand you. It sounds pretty close to how I feel, and if I came across otherwise, it's partly because this is how I must view this matter, or else curl up and cry yet again (partly also because English is not my native language, and because of my cultural background, but that's beside the point).

God knows dealing with grief is hard enough by itself; this is worse. Still, it's something you must do in order to be able to continue with what's left of your lives. The rest of us can, as you say, offer our perspectives and sympathies, and remind you that others have been, are, and will be dealing with similar crises. Hopefully as many of us as possible will make it.

  Nfr