Feeling somewhat down... Looks like I am the only legit one?

[Apples Mk.II]

A lot of things have changed in so many months. For me, it's been 20 days since I started wit the therapy. The psychologist thinks I am holding very well, but as for me...

At first I was feeling like the desire to transition was going away, along with the interest on practically everything. It looks like the culprit was an increased dose of Citalopram, that robbed me of any desire and made me an apathetic creature. Inner peace at a high price. After reducing the dosage again, I'm back to the point were I actually need to transition again, and work on it.


The other thing that has changed is that I finally got access to a spanish tG community, in order to gather information on the situation in my own country. What appeared was not exactly good. Most of the GD units were slow, somewhat homophobic, and had been making some people wait more than 9 years in order to start therapy. Depends on the center and situation.
With all of this perspective, it was easy to already think of self hormonating in the meantime, yet I managed to resist the tentation. I have several good reasons agains it, from "I need to overcome some mental issues first", to "my body is not ready". No to mention the "I need to make the repairs to my jaw and eye first".

What I discovered after gaining a bit more confidence with the people there and talking privately, most of them had already started to self hormonate, since they could not wait anymore, had been rejected by the GD units, or could not stand to wait two years of therapy. They even offered me where to obtain androcur, strogens... Whenever I told them it they at least were visiting a private endo to check the levels, the replies were like "I already spent too much money in supplies for 6 months, I'll be OK if  I take the amounts the UTIG usually prescribes". And what about "each body reacts differently to HRT and needs to be adjusted for each one"?


In the end, this is like when you see somebody crossing a traffic light in red and you feel the urge of following them. I'm starting to want the changes already, not thinking about the consequences of doing this now and on my own. Whenever I try to play by the rules and I see other people bending them so easily, I feel like an idiot...


Yup, the urge. Dysphoric days can make you do lots of stupid things.

[Beverly]

Whenever I told them it they at least were visiting a private endo to check the levels, the replies were like "I already spent too much money in supplies for 6 months, I'll be OK if  I take the amounts the UTIG usually prescribes". And what about "each body reacts differently to HRT and needs to be adjusted for each one"?

That makes me wonder how much they are spending. The 'stuff' is not that expensive and is certainly a LOT cheaper an a private endo...

Yup, the urge. Dysphoric days can make you do lots of stupid things.

Indeed. I think a lot of people self-med at some point. I certainly did and I had my GP check run blood checks even though I was on a low dosage (about 1/4 the 'usual' dose). I told all the medical people I was doing it and I told them why (long waits....) and, to my surprise, they were generally sympathetic although they told me that they could not endorse what I was doing but they understood why I was doing it.

[Apples Mk.II]

The bad part is that I may actually consider taking the self-hormonation route one day, If I feel that I am finally ready and the decision is totally made but they are making me wait a bit too much. It all depends in how I evolve and If I manage to achieve the goals I have set for myself before jumping the shark.

The biggest issue I can see is that I can run into a higher level of BDD if did I this without correcting it. Self hate would increase even more.