The following may very well be completely nonsensical, You've been warned.
So, in order to see where I'm coming from, you're going to need some background. Seems appropriate enough, right? Yeah, I thought so too. As a kid, I always knew that I was 'different,' but I grew up believing that I was a straight little girl. My parents always told me I'd grow up, marry some handsome man, pop out a few babies, and die happy. But as I continued to grow up, I realized that that sort of life had no appeal to me. I didn't want to be the wife, and I didn't want to have children. During Junior High, I began to suffer from severe social anxiety, along with mild depression, and I went on medication. I went to several therapists and psychiatrists, and they believed that the root of these 'problems,' was a mixture between the divorce of my parents along with the wrist-cutting spree of my older sister. Naturally, I assumed they were right. So I continued on; I had a boyfriend when I was fifteen; we kissed, we touched, he tried to get further than I wanted, and I dismissed boy's altogether for a while. I was eighteen when I told my family and all of my friends that I was a lesbian. I thought that I figured out what was 'Wrong,' I dated three girls, and though I enjoyed their company more, I never even had the urge to kiss one of them. In the end, it just didn't feel right.
I hadn't even heard of the term 'Transgender' until I was sixteen or so, I looked into it from curiousity, but I never thought that that might be how I felt about myself. Years went by and I began to mentally refer to myself as a boy, I told my mother, and she humored me - thinking that I was just being odd. I was nineteen when I came out to my mother, and months later, I found myself in a situation where I was forced to tell my father and the rest of my family. I wasn't ready, but I did it anyway. My father told me that my stepmother knew a transsexual woman who worked with her. They gave me the number to a therapist and four months later, I was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder. I then went to a nurse and began testosterone injections, once a week. I've never been happier. I was on T for about a year, but in May of 2012, I had to stop filling my prescription because I was taken off of my stepfather's insurance and I could no longer afford it. My medicine went from being $60 every two and a half months, to being $113 for two and a half months worth.
My original plan was to hold onto the last two doses and use them when I got my period back. I would go back to the doctor's after moving out of my grandmother's house with my friends, by October. I thought that I could handle it, but the longer I'm without it, the more miserable I'm becoming. My facial hair is slowing, my voice has come to a standstill and will no longer deepen - I even wonder if it's becoming more high-pitched again, my sex-drive is dropping back down (Not that it matters) and I'm slowly starting to see my thighs growing again. At work, more and more of the customers are calling me a girl again; both on the phone and in person. And worst of all, last month, I had my first period for over a year. I felt like I was dying. I nearly puked when I saw the blood. I was sick and puking for days, on top of the cramps, and an awful migraine. But none of that was as bad as being reminded of what I was born as, of the organs that I'm carrying around that shouldn't even belong to me. My depression is coming back and getting worse every day, I'm trying to stay positive, but I just don't know how long I can keep it up. I'm getting irritable, and shy around people, I've become more insecure and paranoid. When I see guys or men that I aspire to be like, I get jealous of them, and I get angry. And even as I'm writing this, I'm probably getting close to short-circuiting the keyboard from sobbing all over it.
I want to go to the doctor, but I live in Utah, and there are less than 10 licensed doctors in the whole state who are willing to do HRT. I don't have a lot of money, my insurance is awful (Blame Walmart) and I'm desperately trying to save money to move out. I feel so stuck, so trapped, and I hate looking at myself in the mirror. Binding and packing only helps so much. With every single day that passes, I feel more and more like some kind of abnormal freak than a person. People stare at me in the streets, and I hear them whisper things about me. When I go into public restrooms, I get stares and glares no matter which one I go into. I'm trying so hard to remind myself that I can go back on T soon, that I just have to move out and that I can go back to the doctor and maybe to a therapist, but it's hard not having anyone who knows how to listen to me. My mother tries, but she doesn't understand and she's even told me that she doesn't see me as a boy. My father thinks I'm crazy. My grandmother thinks I'm disgusting. My sisters and their husbands make fun of me. My friends try to understand; some of them call me by the proper name and gender, and others don't even try. Customers at my work don't know what to call me, and stare at my chest as if looking for a hint either way. I feel so lost, like I'm stuck between two worlds, like some kind of freakish halfbreed that can't possibly hope to ever fit into either side. I hate the way that I feel about myself now, and I just don't know what to do with myself.
And it's certainly not helping that I'm going through a bit of a sexuality crisis. I don't even know if I'm capable of feeling attraction to a human being anymore. There are people that I find attractive, yes, but having sex with either gender isn't even remotely appealing to me. I want that closeness, I want someone that I can rely on and someone that I can lend my shoulder to. But I'm so fracking insecure with myself that I can't approach anyone. I'm screwed no matter how they feel about their own sexuality. I've dated guys before, I know they turn me on, but I've never been sexually touched by a woman. I haven't really had any experience. I like being around women, but I'd rather get closer to a man - even though I'm sure that I'd never allow them to have sex with me like a woman (The idea terrifies me half to death) I want to be able to feel something when someone that I find attractive hits on me, but I just...can't, and it scares me that I never will - I used to, but I wonder if witnessing my parents' divorce made me build walls around myself, and now no one can get through and I can't break them down.
I just feel so lost.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should just give up on my transition, if I should just stop it now. I'm scared that no matter how far I go with it, that it might not make me happy - that I'll always be jealous of other men, and that jealousy will keep me from ever connecting with one. Maybe I should just let nature take over? But, I know I wouldn't be happy with it, but at this point - where I can't be on T and where I'm stuck between genders, I'm definitely miserable. I hate feeling like such a failure, a quitter...I don't want to give up on it because of how far I've gotten, and then...I think of how many steps I've been taking backwards since I've stopped T.
I don't really know if I'm looking for advice, or pity here, but I just needed to get this out.
I'm planning on using some of my savings to go to the doctors in the next week or two. It kills me to have to use money that I've been saving for moving, but right now, I just feel like I don't have a choice anymore.
