Oh lordy. Here comes the talk with Dad...

[Rory]

Hey everyone! So I have a situation that I wanted to get some opinions on from people that've been there and done that. Ready go.

Note: I'm an 18 year old college student moving to Montreal from Kansas City in under a month.

Basically, my family isn't particularly accepting of the idea of ->-bleeped-<-. I had the talk with my mom a while ago, and, although it wasn't super stellar, it was a start. She told my dad, and the subject hasn't come up between us. Further discussions with my mom have always started with her getting a face that looks like I'm telling her I kicked her baby puppy. We're at a bit of a standstill.

Later, I talked to my older brother to both fill him in and get advice. He supports me, maybe a little reluctantly, but he's also very realistic about our family situation. I'm finally going to have an opportunity for it to be just my dad and me tomorrow night, and I need to take that opportunity to have a heart-to-heart discussion with him. My dad and I have never been really close, but obviously this talk needs to happen before I head off in a month. We've both put forth effort to fix our relationship, but of course my unspoken "issue" has made that difficult.

The whole situation is really more for me to let everyone in my family know what's going on with me and look for support as opposed to permission, but ideally without sounding the rebellious "I'm 18 and an adult and I know what I'm doing and no one understands me because I'm spoiled!" alarm. I've already paid for therapy sessions up to and including the letters I now have for HRT, but I haven't acted on anything yet because I want my family to be up to speed and prepared before anything starts. I'm not trying to get financial support from my parents on something they don't agree with, as that wouldn't be right. I'm just after moral support-or even just letting them know, really.

So with all that background in mind, I don't even know where to begin my talk with my dad. There's so much to say, but nowhere to start. I was hoping some of you might be able to give me some pointers and ideas on how to start, guide, and/or handle the conversation.

Thank you so much in advance!

[King Malachite]

Is there a certain way you would like to tell him like via phone, email. face to face, etc.?

I told my father on the phone when he was at work but you may want to wait until he is more relaxed.  I also mentioned it to my sister when she was talking about the hardships going on in Israel.  You could have it come up in a casual convo and then be like "oh btw I'm sure my mother discussed this with you but I'm transgendered."

Staying calm while is another great factor as it shows a sign of responsibility.  Lashing out could make you seem unstable.  Knowing your research on the subject also helps and you seem to have done your research.  The biggest thing is that you are handling things like an adult but only asking for moral support.  Letting your father know that you have paid for your own therapy and have gotten your letter for HRT shows that you are a responsible individual that is more than capable of making your own decisions with extensive thought and the fact that your therapist has backed you up even helps with your case.  Tell him that this was a calculated decision that you know will help you be much happier.

Best of luck to you!

[Rory]

It'll be face-to-face, probably during a car ride.

That's my biggest worry. Staying rational and logical is easy for me, but my dad has a discussion/argument tactic that's a little more "Nuh-uh! Lala, I can't hear you," than mine. Haha, so it will definitely be interesting to see if I get through to him. That being said, I also know my brother talked to both of my parents about it. I would've liked for him to have let me known first, but I do appreciate that I'm not throwing a super-shocking curveball at anyone.

Thanks so much for the help!

[Ayden]

If your father is anything like mine, (mine also does the 'I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALA') I would just say it. Preferably at a stop light.  Serisouly though, sometimes you just have to say it and get it out. Its up to him if he lets it sink in. My grandmother seemed to take my telling her well enough, and then months later asked why I sounded like my brother. I reminded her of the conversation we had after I started hormones and her response? "Oh, that. Huh. I thought you were kiding. Okay then. How's the weather there?"

So, the point is: sometimes they don't take it either how we expect or how we think. I still haven't told my dad yet, but mostly because I'm pretty sure he has figured it out, but doesn't want to know. I'm waiting until after he retires to have "the talk".

[Rory]

Hehe. Maybe I'll just yell/blurt it all in the middle of a random conversation. Well, I like your grandma's reaction!

[bullwinklle]

You could just give him a brief update of where you are and what your future plans are, and from there ask him how he feels or if he wants to ask any questions.

Or if you don't think you'd get past all of that without him pulling the "lalala I can't hear you" move, just tell him that you know that your mom told him, and how does he feel?

At least that way you can put the ball in his court if he wants to say anything without him trying to ignore what you are saying.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Rory,

Just remember to keep it real simple. Start by reminding your Dad, this IS NOT a choice. It's a well documented MEDICAL disorder. He had NOTHING to do with it, YOU had nothing to do with it and your MUM had nothing to do with it. It's purely and simply a genetic/hormone thing. Nothing more, nothing less. NOBODY can fix it. It's just like any other birth defect.

Simple. Just takes the pressure off everyone. No one is at fault, no one to blame. THIS IS NOT A CHOICE!!! end statement.

Hope it goes well with your Dad.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Rory]

Thank you guys so much for all the help! Go time is in an hour, so I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine talking things out.

I think my plan is to kind of transition to the conversation and keep the intro light and easy so the pace stays in a good place. I've basically thought out how I'll present everything for the maximum ability to respect him and get respect from him. I have a few points ready like my future with a job, family, medical plans, etc., so I'm feeling a little more prepared. Then he can ask whatever questions and hopefully be up to speed. If I can stay rational and not too emotional, things should be fine.

It definitely won't be super easy, but I'm feeling more confident about how I'll do. Plus I'm good at winging things on the fly, so it shouldn't be too rough.

Phwhew! Ok.

I'll post an update later about how things go.

[bullwinklle]

Good luck! Hope everything goes well.

[King Malachite]

Good luck! Hope everything goes well.

I seconded that! 

[Tristan]

i hope yours goes better than mine did. bring his fav food. that might help

[Hikari]

 

i hope yours goes better than mine did. bring his fav food. that might help

Hey, that isn't a half bad idea, I think setting the mood to a positive one couldn't hurt. When i have told people I liked doing it in the car, as to be private with me driving wo I couldn't be thrown out and have to walk :p