Is it normal to come out so late in life?

[sweetie87]

[countdown=MONTH,DAY,YEAR,HOUR,MINUTE][/countdown]Hi Apples
I remember having low self esteem as a teenager and in my early teens being somewhat shy. around the age of 18 that was no longer the case and the best thing to do was to just Challenge myself and try anyway. The more you try the more you will experience that you can do it. The first time might be awkward but you will improve. just keep trying! It must have taken quite some courage  to share this story with us. Try to carry yourself with some pride (not arrogance) and others will treat you with more respect. if you learn to gain more confidence in yourself you will learn a great deal about yourself too and get to know yourself and what you want in life better.

As for the gender dysphoria... no it is not strange to realise about your gender issues later in life.. you are still young...probably a lot more people start out late than you might think. i transitioned in my teens so i have little knowlwdge on that. but remember... transition is not a race, just do whatever feels comfortable and try to get some support from someone you trust. do everything at your own pace and keep working on your self image. You just deserve to be happy and loved like everyone else! Good luck and hugs, sweetie

[Apples]

I managed to get it without a lot of problems. Something like "This will remove a bit the shinyness? We will need to shoot with flash"

"Yes. How is the skin you need it for?"

*Point with a finger to my face* * silence* "It's complicated".

"No problem, *laughs*" (it was a girl younger than me).


At this moment I'm having one of those Reality check / What the heck am I doing  / back to my old self /really frightened moments. Sorry, I need to get out. Everytime I read something like "beggining your journey" I get afraid again. Sorry. Gota leave.

Let's face it: This would be more of a problem than a solution. I'm ugly as feck with the worst possible combination of a face ever seen. I look more like a chimp than a human, and the mirror is there to remind me about it. Gigantic hideous nose, eyes practically lodged on the back of the head, fallen eyelids with excess of skin, protruding brow bone, almost diagonal forehead...  I would need practically all the existing surgery operations to look normal, and I would take the savings of a lifetime..

Nah, this is not for me. People like me are just monsters, errors that should have never existed. Sorry about all of this, it was an error from the beggining. In moments like this I question why the heck I was born. Everything in me is hideous and malformed. Not worth keeping with any of this. This was only some sort of delusion into thinking that magically would look completely different. I'm pathetic.

[Madison Leigh]

It's also normal for people not to be sure until it's safe to be sure. Some of us had to wait until we were out of threatening situations before it was okay to admit the need to transition. There are all kinds of reasons why some people know earlier or later than others, and it doesn't in any way affect the "validity" of someone's gender dysphoria.

My therapist and I were discussing that very point this afternoon.  In my case as a youth I was deathly afraid of my father (he was a heavy drinker - I'm assuming he still is I haven't had anything to do with him in years) and how he would react - that was the late 70's/early 80's and there wasn't the wealth of information/support that there is now.  I got married and had a daughter at a fairly young age and the need to provide for her (and my wife) was more important to me than my personal "need" to transition.  Now with my daughter grown and my second wife being so supportive I find that I can finally be a little "selfish" about things and pursue transitioning.  Do I wish I could've done it before I turned 40 (well 41)?  Yeah, I do.  But as others have pointed out, it's never too late and I look forward to finally being me.

Madison

[Apples]

Late night emotional outburst... And that's why I can't look at me in a mirror, but taking photos usually makes it even worse. Still can't understand why some girls will consider me "attractive" or obsess with my lips.

[cindianna_jones]

Late night emotional outburst... And that's why I can't look at me in a mirror, but taking photos usually makes it even worse. Still can't understand why some girls will consider me "attractive" or obsess with my lips.

I get it. I really do. You are probably very attractive as a man. I don't want to hurt your feelings. But it might work to your advantage. Some of the very best looking and desirable women have very masculine traits. I'm not lying.

[Apples]

Sorry about yesterday. It's just that this is why I almost want to break mirrors. I've never been able to identify with my face in my entire life, I can't even recognize the person looking at me on the mirror, and each time I feel more and more trapped in a shell. My body is more or less okay, but my face...

http://i.imgur.com/VG3xm.jpg

I recorded this video for a girl that really wanted to see me while she was recovering on the hospital, but...

Code Select Expand

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRADV2Twwis
Each time is more and more difficult to recognise myself

[Cindy]

Late night emotional outburst... And that's why I can't look at me in a mirror, but taking photos usually makes it even worse. Still can't understand why some girls will consider me "attractive" or obsess with my lips.

Funny thing about looks. We always see the flaws in our selves, and usually others don't see them. You ask any woman about her figure, her look, her face, her hair; and I will bet you that not a one will say they are happy.

So what chance have you when you are just starting on it!! Changes happen so dramatically and quite quickly. A bit of make up a new hair style some cute clothes and accessories and bingo.

You don't believe me? Go to any of the You tube make up sessions for FEMALES, see how a nice looking but rather plain woman changes her self into a very attractive woman with some make up. Then if you wish, look at some of the MtF make up transformations.

So don't give me I'm as ugly as a duckling stuff, we work on it to make ourselves good looking. It isn't always genetics

Build on the confidence. Do stuff to build on it. The key to passing is confidence.

Hugs

Cindy

[Jamie D]

Apples - a couple of things.

First, take a look at the "Before and after" topic.  There are natal men there who, many would agree, would have difficulty passing, yet, within a couple of years, they do pass.  In fact, some  are gorgeous.

Part of that is because there are many things in common between the male face and the female face - and where there are differences, they can be corrected with FFS.

Also, body form is maleable.  With work.  Things that cannot be changed, like shoulder width or pelvic girdle, can be disguised. (A side note here - look at the broad shoulders on the Olympic women swimmers.  Would anyone mistake them for men?)

IMHO, the most important attribute of the MtF is attitude.  It is knowing what you are inside.  With that surity and confidence, you will be able to accept the outside, and work to make the changes you want to see.

[Apples]

Dunno. I was quite sure and my moments of "WTF am I doing" were becoming less frequent, but after reading this...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=84056.0

" You typically will be in your sixties, long past the glory days of satin corsets and spike heeled patent leather pumps." Among lots of other things.

Not so sure anymore. The question of "If ten years later I realise that I was wrong, can I stop?" still lingers now. As mentioned before, I don't have a true feeling of being mentally a woman, and at this moment I seriously doubt I will ever have. Still feeling like something in the middle, and couldn't possibly live without that part of my anatomy. I don't think I would finally go full time and I still will appear like a man at some times... I can't fully give away who I am.

And the confusion is back again. I almost have had no life in all those years, just surviving and I still feel like a blank slate at life with almost nothing  I will be losing (apart from a few close friends, I have nobody, I almost haven't experienced what love is, and my job is the only thing that keeps me away from going crazy). Except for the weekly jerking to fight sadness, I've been more like an eunuch than a man. Sometimes I feel like I could give away almost everything to make this anguish go away... But I still believe that no matter how many hormones or surgeries get in my body, I still will be the same.

Or maybe when I overcome my mental disorders and barriers this will dissapear too...


I don't understand it anymore. When I see somebody transitioning it my heart starts pounding and encourages me to do it as if it was the thing I most desire in this world, but if I try to think about my life after that... I think I still will be the same, and considering I have nothing to lost... In that thread mentions something like losing a wife or a family, but I have nothing, apart from my parents. After transitioning I would still do the same job (I lift a lot of weight just to show off, but it is not required to be a bodybuilder to do it) on Information and communications technology (which requires me direct contact with a lot of different people, many of them who I have never known. Sometimes I would need to look like an effeminate man to keep protocol or meeting a lot of strangers), but as for the rest... I only have my family, a few close friends and my hobbies to fill time. I still haven't build a life to loss, so apart from having some sort of physical / psychological regret later, I don't have a lot to lose.


Short answer: Still believing that all of this could be a fantasy I have maintained during the years to cope with my traumas, and a way of restarting my life, but I could never fully give away my current persona. Also, still afraid of leaving a lonely life after the change and being an outcast only accepted inside small groups.


After 30 years I still don't know who I am or what I want. I could keep on writing forever. Is like I wish to be a woman or resemble it, but still appear like a man when needed. I can't discard everything.


More and more edits...I don't know. Maybe is just an aesthetic wish after my low self steem? An swan that wants to be a duck just fo feel better? I don't know what "being a woman" is, I'm just me. I've never stuck with stereotypes. Nothing feels as black and white. Will I just be an undercover man? If a change will I discover that I really had something to lose? Will I die alone and miserable (like now) or try to kill myself after realizing my error? An "old ->-bleeped-<-" and a monster?


Still more and more edits. I don't know anything anymore. What If I really am not bi? Who would want a fake woman with an oscar mayer hanging between the legs? To me, I can't ask for a mutilation. I have wondered sometimes about having something inside, but cutting that is as cutting a hand or plucking out an eye to me. I hate the form of my body, but not its parts. I haven't hated it on 30 years and I can't start now. Maybe after some time I will request a lower dosage of hormones and be happier being something more androgynous?


And I keep editing. And what will I tell the therapists when they ask me why I want this? I don't know. It is not the clothes. Neither the social position (it will be harder to live like this). Apart from the childhood, beatings and only being accepted by the girls, I don't have any "determining factor", save for my imagination and the fantasies working involuntarly as scapism, in which I always though about another world and I always appeared as a woman or something intermediate. It's not being able to use makeup (in fact is a burden), or being told I am pretty. It's like a gut feeling. I don't have anything special to say and prove it. Saying that I hate my face and my body would only be regarded as a negative self-image... My next visit is on two days.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Apples,

OK, it appears we are getting down to the shape end of the stick. The rapid change in your thoughts and emotions is basically coming from the suppression they have been under.

Stop the self analysis, it's getting you no where in a hurry.

To guide you through this labyrinth, find yourself a good trauma/TG therapist and start dealing with the traumas, you've mentioned. I tend to think, these traumas are driving a lot of the aberrations you have with respects to your insecurities / identity issues. After that, start with your gender identity.

HRT generally provides you with an almost immediate calming effect. The longer you are on it, in most cases the more feminine your brain becomes as the estrogen excites the estrogen receptors in the brain. This generally, under good supervision by your therapist, will give you clarity and understanding of your possible future. The physical feminisation of your body will further affirm whatever state of mind you are in at the time.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Apples]

The first visit I had was just a calibration one, before moving to another expert, including a psychiatrist (they have about six, including a sexologist). They said that if the couldn't solve everything on 4 weeks, they would route it to other therapists... I need to ask what did she mean with this.


I don't know how much this will take, but I hope it is not years (my hair is falling too quickly and I'd rather start taking something to counter the loss). I't rather start on november if possible.  HRT is provided here by public health care, including a special unit for GID, but the requisites are:

- Papers signed by an expert (psychologist, psychiatrist or sexologist) that acknowledge the need for the patient to change his/her primary and secondary gender characteristics in order to make a normal life.

- Said paper must mention that the desire for changing the body is not caused by of another mental disorder (what they want to know with me).

- It's recommended to undergo between one-two years of real life experience before starting HRT. Absolutely not possible, that means the end of my job.



Worst part is that the system is so clogged that you may need to wait for 6 months until the first visit, and will try to kick you out directly just to conserve money, with advices like "start being more manly". And that's why it's better to find a private therapist here. Still, after this four weeks I may need to get in touch with a local trans community for advice, if it exists.


When I think about all the burocracy it is going to take until it is approved (If I am not rejected), I get rather depressed. I'm going to end bald at this rate.


By the way, mi biggest issue with HRT would also be the loss of sex drive and erections. I have read about it a bit, and If it can be adjusted to keep it, it would be fine with me. I don't need immediate effects and lower doses would be more than enough... For me, losing that capacity could kill everything.

And even more, If I think about the muscle loss... I still need to be able to lift at least 30 kilos at work. But what worries me is that improving my body also helped me with my self-steem. I really need to think about this.

[Apples]

Can´t sleep, scared again. Everything started with the Cons of HRT and some changes. Losing the muscle mass means that I can lost something important to me. After a childhood of bullying, having    a trong body is something that helps me a lot with having a sense of security. Plus, I like not having to rely on anybody to do the strenght demanding tasks, specially now that my parents are getting really old. Going to the gym and pumping my body is my best way of relaxing and building confidence (the sense of acomplishing something when everything hurts).

That was the first one, but now comes something darker. I have only thought about the physical changes, and maybe only that feeling of peace, but... If my perception changes, if my way of seeing things changes, if the sensibility is changed... Who will I be? Will it be me the new person? I though my mind would remain the same no matter what, but now, I'm afraid to go down the tunnel. To turn into something else and never be the same...

It is too much, like a virus who will rewrite me at my Id and will also affect the Ego. I feel that only the super-ego is holding me away, and I need to hold to it. This is far more serious than I thought. Like I will dissapear and something different will emerge. There is a barrier between fiction and reality.