Is it normal to come out so late in life?

[Apples]

Good morning.

I just don't get to understand it. I'm 29 years old, and my mind is a complete mess since two weeks ago. The few people I talked about this kept telling me that it is imposible, That I should have shown some sort of "symptom" years ago, that I'm just a straight guy. And that's exactly my biggest question, how I didn't start to feel this until so late in life. Up until now I didn't have almost any kind of social life, pretty much like a hikkikomori but with a job. I wouldn't feel very attracted to the opposed gender or had a big interest in sex. An extreme case of social phobia

I think it's in part the fact of accepting that I didn't have another body and I would stay like this the rest of my life, I didn't know that this possibility of changing like this was real until one year ago. I hated myself and I could not think about my body, I would just enclose myself and spend most of my time enclosed between four walls. And now... I keep thinking that I have felt attracted to the transgendered for a long time, and since a few years ago, when I started to try and improve myself (go to the gym, get healthy habits), I would feel a bit strange with myself, as If my body now looked a bit effeminate and I liked it that way. I think I've been feeling "funny" in a lot of ways during the last year, but... My biggest is issue is that it still feels as too recent, starting to really think I didn't want to be in this  gender just a week ago.

I've spent the first week after realizing this in a pitiful state, telling to myself that it was just OCD and intrusive thoughts. Constant anguish and fear, loss of apetite, insomnia. One part of me was telling me that I wanted this, and the other that I was making a huge error I would regret later.

In the end I decided to set an appointment with a private general therapist. I have been in a need of this for a long time, at least for my social phobia, but I was afraid even of telling this to an expert. In the end I managed to to it on the last thursday. During one hour and a half I talked about everything in my miserable life and all my childhood traumas, how I tried to fill a void in my life with all sort of hobbies just to abandon them after some time. She told me something like this.

"You are quite smart and you have talked very clearly about this, and seem quite sure, but something is still biting you, as if you weren't completely sure. But... Have you thought that this could be just another of your fads to fill your time and you would abandon this with time. We need to keep talking about this, since it can be related to your other problems. I want you to talk with other therapists here, and If we can't solve it in 4 weekly appointments, we will route it to other experts"

The truth is, my biggest fear was my family and how they would react. In the end I was forced to tell my father since he was so worried about my state (I couldn't even drive), and it was something like "Ah, it was only that? Don't worry, it's impossible. We would have noticed something... Well, I would have to accept it, but since it is not going to be real... You are just hypochondriac, as usual"[/i].

The truth is, after telling the therapist I could finally relax, and my mind is completely decided know, I have no regrets. But the thing is that I keep thinking that noticing this two weeks ago and never thinking about it until now or considering the possibilty could mean that it is only some sort of delusion. That "not showing any symptoms or behaviours before"... The thing is, I've have always lived in fear of expressing myself. I used to have fantasies about swapping gender since childhood that still continue today, but I couldn't do much, save for enduring constant bullying from students and teachers, and the only thing I have tried to do during my entire life is to try to not to look awkward in public, until I am alone and I would just want to crossdress... Damn, I've been wanting to wear girly clothes and have long hair for years, but my social phobia and panics kept restraining me.


Now I feel like I have wasted ten years of my life, blaming myself of not realizing this before (internet sorta opened my eyes), and wondering If it is still not too late.  Maybe I don't have the best face, maybe HRT would help me... I just don't want to be told that I am a dude and ordered to take some meds to straighten my mind and conform to society. I think is the first time in my life I am really sure of anything, and I even want to overcome all my fears (I panic in some public spaces, the sensation that I look strange and people are looking at me, the panic of not knowing how to react... Yesterday I ended buying a wig (nothing expensive for the moment), I want to reunite the guts to enter a cosmetics shop and ask if they can help me to find the correct foundation for my face, even If I am terrified and possibly I will ran away.


So, in the end, I don't know? Is it too late? I'm just making it myself and lying? Should I have noticed "something" years ago? I never had much of a gender identity before, and it was more like being a blank slate. Not doing anything "manly" either, just surviving and worrying about myself...

[Cindy]

No its not too late. Many people take a long time to find what is troubling them or driving them. Some of that depends on their upbringing as well. I knew  was a girl wen I was about 5.  didn't know what it meant BTW, I just knew I wasn't a boy, and not knowing what a boy was either. I came out to my parents when Ii was about thirteen, still with not a clue but knowing I wasn't developing like my sister and wanting to know why.

To cut a long story shorter, although it is all on Susan's, I went full time this year after being on HRT for 18 months. I'm just shy of 60. I'm disgustingly happy . I have been accepted by everyone and I'm enjoying life like I have never thought possible.

You can too.

Hugs Sis

Cindy

[dapplepool]

29 is not too late to come out at all! I know someone who was older than 60 when she came out and she is now a very happy woman. It is completely normal to go through years of being confused or not knowing that transition is possible...

I first told my parents I was a girl and I was their daughter when I was 2 or 3, but I didn't know what transgender meant until I was 10 years old, and then it took me another few years to work up the courage to tell my parents that I wanted to transition.

[AbraCadabra]

OK, take me for some added perspective. I came out after my 'epiphany' at age 64!

2 years hence I done therapy, got my 'letter', HRT, SRS, and now FFS - so my live started pretty late, but better late than NEVER

I have NO idea really how I could have been so 'disconnected' for so many, MANY years, but there you have it.

No need to say more, or?

Axélle

[Padma]

It's also normal for people not to be sure until it's safe to be sure. Some of us had to wait until we were out of threatening situations before it was okay to admit the need to transition. There are all kinds of reasons why some people know earlier or later than others, and it doesn't in any way affect the "validity" of someone's gender dysphoria.

You will, sadly, come across people inside and outside the trans community who will try to tell you that unless you knew by the time you were potty trained, you're not a "real" trans person. This is rubbish.

So, as I've said elsewhere, take your time .

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Apples,

Slow down and relax. You've just answered your own questions. Some them at least.

And that's exactly my biggest question, how I didn't start to feel this until so late in life.

You did in a way. You mentioned you had gender fantasies to cope with things. Plus the fact you admitted to suppressing your thoughts and feelings.

Well what you've done in the past fortnight, has been to release those suppressed thoughts, built up over many years, and they have hit you in the face like a dozen jack-in-the-boxes.

What you are currently feeling is the rapid expression of suppressed emotions. Nothing unusual at all. Very common in fact.

And 29 IS NOT late. You'll have at least 50 years to accommodate this new spectrum, failing the proverbial bus, which doesn't happen.

The thing is, I've have always lived in fear of expressing myself. I used to have fantasies about swapping gender since childhood that still continue today,

Now I feel like I have wasted ten years of my life,

Not really. You've just spent 10 years of experiencing what not to do in the next 10+ years.

So, in the end, I don't know? Is it too late? I'm just making it myself and lying? Should I have noticed "something" years ago? I never had much of a gender identity before, and it was more like being a blank slate. Not doing anything "manly" either, just surviving and worrying about myself...

Let me take these questions in order. You no doubt do really know. When you relax and start listening to your heart, you'll know where you are and where you want to go.

No it's not too late. No where near it

"Making it myself and lying?" I very much doubt it. You are the only one that can answer that, but I suspect you aren't.

You did notice something years ago. You chose to suppress it to the best of your ability and you created gender fantasies.

All is good for you. You are progressing well, just lock into what your therapist has to say and analyse it to check its integrity. Not all therapists hit the spot all the time.

Relax and enjoy the journey. Embrace it, it's yours and very unique. Celebrate it.

Be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[justmeinoz]

I finally worked out why I had been miserable and lonely from the age of 13 or so, at 55.  Today there is a lot more information about Trans issues that didn't exist when I was younger, so you should have an easier time of it.  Pretty much everyone here spent a long time looking at all the alternatives before they decided that GID was the root of their problems.  Your Gender Therapist sounds like she is taking you seriously and wants to eliminate the remote possibility that you are not Trans, given your previous coping strategies, which I tended to use myself.

Being a feminine gay man would have been far easier than MtF transition, I have no doubt.  I would still have looked pretty much the same.   Being Trans, I am in everyone's face so to speak, even though I pass pretty much all the time it is a lot more for them to cope with.  I am mostly fine with it though rejection by some lesbians in my own age group  has affected me a bit lately.  The alternative to Transition would have been a lot worse, so I will work through these feelings.

Transition is difficult but you have a large family here to help you through the rough patches.  Call on us whenever you need a shoulder to lean on.

Karen.

[Jamie D]

Apples, you say you have a "general therapist," and that;'s a start.  But you might want to try to locate a therapist with experience in "gender" and "trans*" issues.

You have already overcome one big hurdle, by "coming out" to yourself.

Don't despair.

[Apples]

Thanks for your kind replies, but... Now I don't know what to think, as if fear is attacking me again. Like "you are faking it, you don't belong here."

It's just that I am not completely sure at the same time of feeling like a woman trapped in a man's body. I don't like a lot my body or my face, but at the same I am happy with my name or my genitalia, as if a was a bit in the middle of the scale. I don't hate all the aspects of being a man completely, and at the same time I feel that mentally I don't match on the typical stereotypes. I strongly dislike those oversexualized versions of women the industry is constantly feeding us, but... I don't know, I'd love to have a bit of breast, fix my nose, reduce that gigantic Adam's apple, have  long hair (i have constant fears or going bald very soon) , but I would never get implants or go though SRS... Maybe my Gender dysphoria is just moderate?

Just to mention it, I have really low self-stem and an incredibly poor self-image. I see myself as something hideous. Some people tell me that I have a perfect body, that doing this would be a complete waste of manhood (girls), but I just look at my face and... a neck like vulture, gigantic nose, a brow like a Neanderthal, a skin that feels scarred after years of not caring it...

Maybe I am seeing this as a way of restarting life, unable to deal with the mess I have made with mine. I feel that I have failed to live up to the standards of a manhood, or just failed at life. In any case, this is far too dangerous for me at the moment. No only I have a intense social phobia, but also"avoidant personality disorder". Unable to talk to people, afraid of rejection, secluded life, and unable to form new friendships thinking that they will hurt me in a future, always worried about if they are looking at me... If you add all of these to the burden it carries following that path, I could possibly never make it. Although at the same time, it gives me strength to try and overcome my traumas... (Plus, in my country HRT cannot be aproved if you have another mental disorder).


Anyways, thanks for listening, it's like having a tornado inside my head. For the moment I want to center myself on fixing my body (lose all the remaining fat, get a routine of skin care, unclog those damn pores). In fact the thing I would like to do most at this moment is buying some foundation and concealer that matches my skin, but it is going to be a long time until I can overcome the fear of doing that in public.


PS: I had accepted the fact that I probably was bisexual, that I had  fetish for cross dressing, but this...

[Cindy]

Don't worry.

You have just met a heap of people who know what it's like. It can be very overwhelming.

Take your time.
Digest and start asking questions when you wish.
We all started somewhere and of course newbie's tens to get posts from people who are confident and outgoing

Don't worry.

We are here, and we will be here for you always

Hugs

Cindy

[justmeinoz]

Don't worry too much about the Adam's Apple and the facial hair.  Up until a year ago I worked alongside a woman scientist who had a prominent AA and a noticeable moustache, and she was stunningly attractive.  Also married and straight dammit!

Karen.

[Padma]

There's no official checklist - it certainly sounds like you're genderqueer in some way that's between not being and being trans. You only need to make enough change (come the time) to stop you feeling dysphoric, and that's perfectly acceptable. You don't have to "want to go all the way" in order to go some of the way.

[Apples]

There's no official checklist - it certainly sounds like you're genderqueer in some way that's between not being and being trans. You only need to make enough change (come the time) to stop you feeling dysphoric, and that's perfectly acceptable. You don't have to "want to go all the way" in order to go some of the way.

Well, it's a way to put it. Like a partial transition, or nor transitioning to the extreme and having to take all those surgeries... I would like to change some things (I read about the changes caused by HRT and I'd love to get them), and retain others. Depends on the day and the moment. Everything still looks like a roulette, and the ball keeps moving. At the next time I may be thinking about really being a woman, and then turning again...

But that brow bone...Sheeesh, I've hated it for years.



Edit: The other day I was taking the metro, and I noticed a transgendered MTF person was at my side. Just seeing the mixture of factions was mesmerising, and I really wished to be like that.

[Diane Elizabeth]

  there are no set rules to go by when transitioning.  Just go at your own pace and stop whenever you come to a point that you are okay with.  Many do not transition all the way and that is fine.  You have to live your own life.  One cannot controlwhat and how others will intrept your transition. 

I will be 60 in a month and just came out to the world this year.  I had to learn to live my own life instead of the one that I felt I had to in order to pleasse everyone else.  This pasyt week I have never been happier.  Others have noticed as well.  It seems like my worries were for nothing.  Its not perfect but it is improving as others get more comfortable around me.

Good Luck with your journey.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Apples,

Couple of things to put you at ease.

1. Don't get hung up on labels. As Annah would say, "Labels are for candy packets." Labels are an attempt for those that have NO idea of what we are going through to try and shove us in a box for appropriate processing. Slow down and start listening to your heart.

2. Work on your self esteem. Without a strong self esteem you won't be able to build the confidence you need to assert yourself to the rest of the world. And if you can't or won't manage yourself through a strong self esteem, someone will manage you. That's the very LAST thing you need.

Once you have your self esteem and confidence, a lot of your queries and questions will be answered automatically. You'll have a deep and more relevant understanding of yourself and where you stand in the TG spectrum. You'll have greater clarity and more focused view of the particular destination you feel comfortable with.

Keep in mind too, that should you ever consider the path of HRT, not only will it change you physically, you stand a good chance of it changing you mentally, psychologically and philosophically.
Yes! Transition IS a life changing process. Both outside AND inside.

Relax and take it in as you need. Don't rush or jump to conclusions, just because some one said so. GID is like being at a buffet. Don't eat it all too quickly or you'll get TG indigestion.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Apples]

Taking notes, taking notes 

About the HRT, is just that when you hear the people talking about that feeling of peace... I could use some of that. Luckily I have perfect health, I don't smoke, drink or do drugs, and my blood analysis always come perfect.

For now, I'd like to try crossdressing (at home, of course), but I'm having serious issues with finding the color for the foundation through internet. I've tried to check my photos, but each one has a different lightning, so nothing, and I'm too afraid of asking at a store. I know that it needs to be full coverage and work in oily skins, but.. I don't see the light a lot, so I have absolutely no tan . I will need to blind buy a few ones online for the moment...

BTW, I'm lucky I have sparse beard that just won't grow and low levels of body hair. It always hated not being able to grow a beard, but now it feels like a blessing. And to think that as a kid I was pissed that the girls had more vellus than me on the arms...

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Apples,

Taking notes, taking notes 

Good work!. Now this is where you can put practicing your self esteem to a good use. You must have in town somewhere a $2 shop or something like it, that has cheap makeup.

Go there and just look at the available colour range and chose something near what you want. If it doesn't work, throw it out, After all that's the reason for going to the cheap shop. Once you've got your colour, take that sample and go up in quality LATER. Let's not waste our resources at this end of the journey.

Push your boundaries while you are there and ask for some assistance. I promise you they WILL NOT kill you. Just remember. YOU have the money, They have the product. Any one in business respects the fact that they need to please YOU, so, they end up with YOUR money and YOU end up with THEIR product.

You in fact now have won twice as much. You've got the product and you've got the self esteem you need. Don't cheat yourself by buying on line. Challenge yourself.

Enjoy and embrace it

Huggs
Catherine

[Apples]

Then I will ask for help. Today I checked the store and the Max Factor area is in a more or less hidden zone, so that should help me a bit. Worst case scenario if they ask, I can say that we are shotting a short or that I need it for a photo session (I'm an amateur photographer).

Lately I kept testing myself to fight the phobia, with thing so weird as using short trousers again... Just to discover that all of them look as if they belonged to an elephant. I've lost so much weight since the last time I used them.

[Catherine Sarah]

Congratulations Apples.

You are absolutely fabulous.

I can say that we are shotting a short or that I need it for a photo session (I'm an amateur photographer).

That's exactly it. Keep doing that until you build the confidence to change the story to the truth. Works a treat. In fact once you have that confidence, it's amazing how much more help you'll get.

Keep this up and you'll be flying through your journey in no time.

Huggs
Catherine

[Padma]

You'd be amazed how often people don't ask you what you want it for when they're selling you something . I don't think anyone's ever asked me that, ever. Go for it .