scared to come out to this woman

[go..ogle]

I met a woman two months ago& things are going very well.

She's attractive inside& out. I know she has good friends who are gay men..but that doesn't help me figure out how she will take me being trans at all.

She doesn't wear makeup or apply heat to her hair. I've heard other women who claim to be her friend make comments about her needing to straighten her hair. Her response was if "G-d wanted [her] to have straight hair [she] would have been born with it." Same thing about earrings..

That response really spooked me out. I could hear her telling me I'm supposed to live as female as that was how I was born, anatomically anyway. I've thought of just telling her but I'm really bogged down about it.

I have no idea how to even bring it up. We've kissed& I've done a little more to her& I'm concerned that she's going to want to go further& that would out me as trans. I'm 7 months on T but pre-op.

Thanks in advance for any tips you all have.

[Stewie]

I honestly think if you're engaging in a physical relationship with this woman, she has the right to know. You should tell her before things go any further because honestly, she has the right to choose. I TRULY hope that she can love you and accept you as you are. But if she doesn't approve, then all that means is that it wasn't meant to be. It might hurt you if you go on further without telling her. Just be open about it. You said she has gay friends. So she could have said that God wanted man to be with woman, but she seems to be okay with the gay men. It's a toss up.
At the end of the day though, honesty is the best policy. She might feel betrayed if you continue without telling her.

[aleon515]

Honestly sounds like things I've said. It doesn't necessarily mean that she wouldn't accept your transition (doesn't mean she would either).

--Jay Jay

[Hayzer12]

She has the right to know... you actually should have told her before anything happened. If you were post op, then it wouldn't necessarily make a difference and you wouldn't HAVE to tell her if you didn't feel confident in doing so, but because you're pre-op .......thats where we get into dangerous territory, my friend.

[Epi]

I honestly think if you're engaging in a physical relationship with this woman, she has the right to know. You should tell her before things go any further because honestly, she has the right to choose.

I agree with you but I also disagree.  From my view I believe the greater issue is his uncertainty and doubt.  Where is that coming from?  Does it have to do with just her or is this a general feeling he has?  His suspicions maybe be nothing or they may be his intuition telling him something.  One thing is certain:  communication is always the best thing.  However, if he doesn't feel safe or comfortable talking about these things with her then maybe he should ask himself if it's worth pursuing anything further?

While it's the right thing to tell someone you may be intimate with you have an STD, there's no laws forcing you to do so.  Just the same as you probably should tell a future partner if you're still married, not everyone does.  Doesn't necessarily make them a bad person, but from the other persons perspective it may show a lack of integrity.  I find divulging your gender history to be a very gray area, I believe one of the common reasons most don't readily bring it up is fear of physical violence.  Someone who doesn't divulge their STD status only hurts others, while someone who doesn't readily divulge their gender history in my opinion usually does so as a safety precaution in order to avoid being victimized.  Just like we have to watch our children to make sure they're not preyed upon and our elderly parents so they're not swindled, we have to protect ourselves too.   Until the world changes most of us will probably have to feel out different situations before revealing our gender histories.  I don't foresee we will all feel safe about this for a number of years sadly.  So until then, so be it if this is what we have to do to protect ourselves.  If we don't protect ourselves, who will?  The government?  Your local police?

[Stewie]

I agree with you but I also disagree.  From my view I believe the greater issue is his uncertainty and doubt.  Where is that coming from?  Does it have to do with just her or is this a general feeling he has?  His suspicions maybe be nothing or they may be his intuition telling him something.  One thing is certain:  communication is always the best thing.  However, if he doesn't feel safe or comfortable talking about these things with her then maybe he should ask himself if it's worth pursuing anything further?

While it's the right thing to tell someone you may be intimate with you have an STD, there's no laws forcing you to do so.  Just the same as you probably should tell a future partner if you're still married, not everyone does.  Doesn't necessarily make them a bad person, but from the other persons perspective it may show a lack of integrity.  I find divulging your gender history to be a very gray area, I believe one of the common reasons most don't readily bring it up is fear of physical violence.  Someone who doesn't divulge their STD status only hurts others, while someone who doesn't readily divulge their gender history in my opinion usually does so as a safety precaution in order to avoid being victimized.  Just like we have to watch our children to make sure they're not preyed upon and our elderly parents so they're not swindled, we have to protect ourselves too.   Until the world changes most of us will probably have to feel out different situations before revealing our gender histories.  I don't foresee we will all feel safe about this for a number of years sadly.  So until then, so be it if this is what we have to do to protect ourselves.  If we don't protect ourselves, who will?  The government?  Your local police?

Here's the thing, in my opinion, before starting that kind of relationship, he should have been honest with her. Because after everything was done, physically I mean, she might feel betrayed. And THEN, there would probably be the "violence" you are talking about. I don't think if he had simply told someone who is obviously okay with gay men that he is trans, she would have gone out and gotten a shotgun. I also don't think it's fair to compare STD's to someone's gender. In my honest opinion, that's like comparing apples and oranges.

[Epi]

Here's the thing, in my opinion, before starting that kind of relationship, he should have been honest with her. Because after everything was done, physically I mean, she might feel betrayed. And THEN, there would probably be the "violence" you are talking about. I don't think if he had simply told someone who is obviously okay with gay men that he is trans, she would have gone out and gotten a shotgun. I also don't think it's fair to compare STD's to someone's gender. In my honest opinion, that's like comparing apples and oranges.

Our gender history (like STDs for some people) is something we will always live with.  While they are to some degree apples and oranges the point I was making is that not divulging your gender history is pretty much a victim-less scenario while the other is not.  While the OP may not fear physical violence from this woman, that is a thought a lot carry in the back of their minds.  Could that be surfacing now for him causing these concerns of his?  A persons physical safety always takes precedence, with the information being on a need to know basis.  While you may feel that need to know is from the very beginning, the OP may not share that belief with you.  Is it wrong for an amputee not to tell someone they are or were going to be intimate with that they are missing a limb?  Or is it wrong for a breast cancer survivor not to tell the other person on the 1st date they had a mastectomy?  I don't think it's fair or very supportive to say he's wrong for not telling her, especially when he has these concerns.  Maybe he didn't want to start off with his gender history when it came to his interactions with this lady?  However, as I said before it would appear the real issue is his apprehensions, not the fact he hasn't told her yet.  Where is it stemming from? Has this happened in the past with others?  It's not a matter of that he hasn't, it's a matter of why he has not.

[go..ogle]

I finally came out to her while hanging out at her apartment last night. She insisted I've been lying to her by not telling her, that I'm confused& because of this "confusion" I "need help."

Yes, she's right about me needing help; I need help finding women I won't feel like I wasted my time with. As for being confused, I've never been more certain about who I am.

I'm irritated right now. I'm fine with her not wanting to be with me, whatever, but her belief that she is absolutely right in what she has said is beyond annoying. I know I'm better off without her. I'm glad it ended now rather than having it last& developing heavy feelings for her only to have it end this way.

Thanks for the input everyone.

--The reason I was apprehensive about disclosing to her was mainly because I was afraid it would cloud her whole view of me. I understand some people are ok with their trans-status being a big part of their life. Cool for them but that is not me.

[onep1ece7]

sorry it did not work out for you...at least you tried...it just seems she has a different viewpoint and unfortunately we can not change everyone's mind about transgender people...hopefully in time maybe she will realize the truth...but I look at it as, we don't date some people because of different goals in life or different viewpoints on politics or religion or whatever...so this is just another situation where your viewpoints conflict with someone...so hopefully you will find someone who has the viewpoint that being transgender is ok and that you aren't confused ...I think disclosing is up to the person, sometimes people like to disclose right away, some like to wait till there are real feelings in the hopes that it will build a better bond so the person can be more accepting, it is up to the individual on when they feel comfortable disclosing...but I see so many guys in relationships that are transgender so I know the right person is out there for each of us, good luck