Why Now?

[MaxAloysius]

I was just starting to feel good about myself, and suddenly everything seems to be crashing down around me.

For a while now I've been passing 100% of the time. I was stealth with some new work recruits before I left, have just had chest surgery, and everything has been explained to every member of my family. I haven't been misgendered in months.

Then suddenly in the last week everything has gone to complete ->-bleeped-<-.

I went to a job interview stealth and had one woman call me 'she', then I went to lunch with a friend and had the waiter call us 'ladies' at least three times. I went back into my old work to visit friends and while I was there helped a customer with another attendant (who I am stealth to) and had the customer call me a 'lady'. The staff member just laughed after she'd gone, but I was helping that woman for a full fifteen minutes!

Then I got a call from the HR manager of the company I applied for, asking me to come in and talk about the name change that came back on my police check. When I got there she was respectful, but she asked me a lot of horrible intrusive questions, and asked me not to make anyone uncomfortable should I be successful. I left feeling like I would never be able to escape any of this.

Then, to make matters so very much worse, yesterday my mother misgendered me twice in the space of half an hour, when she hasn't done it a single time for at least a year. Then I went back in to visit my friends at my old job and suddenly one of them (to whom I thought I had been stealth until that moment) suddenly askes me 'does it feel horrible to not have breasts now?' And now tonight I visited family members who have all known and understood for months, and had my (informed) nephew call me 'my lady' around ten times, and 'Aunty' several times (a label he has never used for me).

I was feeling so good, and now I just feel like complete and utter ->-bleeped-<-. This is so much worse than the 'before', because now I've seen the good life, and have been treated correctly for so long, that I was starting to feel like things might actually get better. I guess it just means I had further to fall

My brain has done that 'switch' thing to me again for the first time in months, and it makes me feel like crying. A kid cries out 'hey lady!' and I look around, like maybe it's me? Maybe I'm the lady he's talking to?

I really just don't know how to cope right now; I'd forgotten how deep and dark this hole can get.

[Adio]

Oh Bane, I'm really sorry.  That is an absolutely ->-bleeped-<-ty feeling.  I can't believe you have been misgendered that much in such a short period of time.  What are people (especially family) thinking??

Have you changed anything recently?  Style of clothing or hair?  A strange thought just came to me.  Perhaps you were feeling so relaxed with yourself that some old mannerisms slipped in.  That happens to me sometimes when I'm feeling very comfortable.  It's odd because I never considered myself very feminine but I think there are slight old gender cues that we do without realizing it.  I really don't know man.

[Natkat]

I dont know how old you are, but if you are a teen and with no homones it can also change to age.
most transgenders are able to pass for a certain age as someone young, but not as they get older.

[MaxAloysius]

@NatKat: I'm nineteen and have been on T for over a year now.

That's just it; I can think of nothing I've done differently! I would say I'm a very masculine acting/presenting person, and all of the times I've been misgendered I've been wearing very typically male clothes, military style jacket and biker boots included. I just don't understand why this has happened!

I was growing my hair out long and it had reached past my shoulders (had been that way for a while and was still passing all the time) when this started, and I had a collapse in faith and went and had it cut super short (a style that helped me pass pre-T) and still had all of this happen afterwards!

The worst times were the coworker and family. I don't know what to think of him at all; did someone tell him? Did he work it out? Both options scare me. And by far the worst part of my mother's slips was that -unlike in the past- she did not correct herself or apologise.

In the car on the way home tonight I mentioned quite tersely to my mother and step-father that I wouldn't be going back to visit those family members again if it wasn't fixed. To be honest I'm a little disgusted with them and my parents; I've told family before that it's up to them to explain things however they want to to their children, but that it needs to be done. I've said many times that I feel horrible when confronted with a situation like this, because I don't feel it's my place to tell their child off, but that it hurts me a lot when I have to sit there and take it. I can't believe none of them corrected him; especially when he's already had it explained to him. This child is a very intelligent seven year old, and more than capable of understanding, it's part of the reason he's always called me by my first name until now.

[insideontheoutside]

As ->-bleeped-<-ty as this sounds, it may be something you'll have to put up with off and on throughout your life. Personally, I think 100% stealth is pretty rare. Unless you got bottom surgery and did the whole re-do the birth certificate thing. But even then it's like 98% stealth ... there's still records that exist with a female name/gender attached to you (medical/dental records, previous employment records, etc, etc.)

As for people misgendering you, transition doesn't always remedy that. Maybe years down the road where T has really changed your features. But you're still relatively new into transition. A year on T is not a long time at all. If this is still happening to you 5 years from now, then I'd be seriously bummed but don't let this latest "hiccup" in the road knock you down too long.

[henrytwob]

hi bane,

That sounds like a bummer of a week. I agree with the other post. One year is not much. AS for top surgery, that helps at the beach, but probably doesn't help a ton in clothes. How is your facial hair? I bet a beard would stop folks from using hte wrong pronoun!!!

AS for your nephew, you might have to educate him, in a way a child his age can understand. You have asked that the parents do it. But they are obviously uncomfortable with that. As long as you are respectful and age appropriate it will probably fall to you. And that is not such a bad thing.

I bet next week will be much better.

[Natkat]

as I just said in the other post its very hard to tell whats make a person passable or not,
your sortof have to see the person and how they act and move to go into those details.
---
there can be many things, I also belive at some places its harder to pass than others.
but as it said, even if you pass for most parts many still dont pass 100%.
I pass mostly but in few situations, like if people dont hear me speak, or I have some big clothes on where you cant see whatever I got a flat cheast or boobs, then I dont really pass that well..


positive thing is, when you get facial hair, those transmen who have a beard are VERY hard to misgender..

[MaxAloysius]

Thanks for the kind words guys.

I know a year on T really isn't much, but I've been passing 100% of the time since about 8 months in, so this is just really weird for me. I've kind of gone back to living in a cave at home, so not a good sign.

Just need some healing time I think...

[Dominick_81]

Bane,
     I'm so sorry to hear you've been getting mis-gendered especially since you were passing 100% of the time before. That really sucks to have that happen all of a sudden. Hopefully you won't get mis-genered again. It totally sucks when that happens.