I think I am mtf but are not sure and don't know what to do. Where I live there is like no good gender indentiy therapists that people can book a session with and just discuss things. It's more like one single official communist party transgender institution with medieval rules and methods where the client have to "prove" that they are mtf or whatever for a bunch of different and extremely unorganized phyciatrists that are trying to provoke and stop the person from going trough this process. If the client have any doubts about switching genitals during any time of the process it will more or less be impossible to do that later on. Apart from that it seems even more impossible to book a time at that place. You have to like call and scream at tons of different people who tells you to try to call this and that person/number instead. If you do that and the barking turns out succesfull you have to lay back and wait for 6 months (maybe a few weeks less if you continue calling and screaming at them) before meeting someone. If you are unlucky they will randomly stop talking to you after a while... Calling fifteen different persons and screaming at them that you are like suicidal and desperatly want to be a woman is A BIT HARD if you like me are far from sure about this, are overly kind and never get angry at anyone, have less authority than any other person on this planet and are having anxiety about answering the phone even when people you know call you....
I don't know if I should try to book some session with them. I'm afraid that I don't want this enough, that I'm faking it, havn't been thinking about it for long enough, are just confused or that they will tell me that I'm not mtf. To put it short, booking a time feels quite problematic. But "waiting and thinking about it" also feels quite problematic. I'm 20, don't have any friends at all (don't know if I even want any before I'm a girl), don't have any job and are too scared and embarressed of myself to try to get one and have no motivation to do anything. I don't want to study anything big neither. I have no idea of what to pick and I will not be able to get a job afterwards anyway. Also, if I study I will have to be social, attentive and take a lot of responsebility which is hard because I am extremely nervous, ankward, ambsent-minded, confused, anxious and timid all the time. At the same time my parents are terrorizing me because I'm just sitting home alone. I'm maybe exaggerating a bit, but I have a few problems. I will probably end up getting an anti social job in a few months and start studying within two years....
I have only wanted to be a girl for like year and and even though the feeling have been extremely intense the last months it still feels like it isn't enough. I know that it doesn't care but I always score over 400 on the cogiati.
Everything about being male feels dirty and I hate guys in general. Being a man just feels worthless and depressing. In my opinion "we" look ugly, are agressive, smell bad, get to have ugly cloths without any colors and parfume that smells bad, have ugly hair and body hair.
I avoid all possible social activities or situations. It doesn't feel like this all the time but the last few days I've felt that I never want to go outside and be perceived as male again.
I want to slam my head into a wall everytime I open my mouth and hear my voice.
I'm about to get tearful everytime I see a healthy young woman the few times I'm outside the house because I want to be her.
I don't know if I am depressed, it's far from impossible atleast, I can't get up in the mornings and don't see any joy in life.
I have been dreaming about being a girl litteraly all the time for a couple months, I know it's a relatively short time but still..
When I imagine myself in the future I see a woman.
When I hear stories about my birth and early childhood I wish I was born female.
I have been hating secondary gender chararistics for as long as I can remember.
I've never liked rough games and I have never been in a fight with anyone.
I thought my cousins and brothers had totally lost their minds when they talked about some damn manliness around the start of puberty (I knew we all would become "manly", there was no escape, but OMG !?!??! they really WANTED to get their skin and voice destroyed, getting manly bodies and hair everhywere and having to act in a certain way).
I end up crying up to hours after having arguments with my parents, don't know if that's considered normal for 20 year old men?
I have never understood why all guys want to hit and wrestle people all the time and are taking of their t-shirts 24/7. (I'm in good shape myself but I don't see the point in showing it off all the time).
I'm caring sickly much about not hurting anyone.
I have no idea how to act around guys, it usually ends up with that I claim that I'm extremely tired atm and then says something weird or try to insult someone (and feeling bad about being rude for days).
When I feel girly it feels really good in the soul.
I don't fit in at all in the bf role but I want to have a gf.
During a small air pocket during a flight a few months ago I thought didn't care if I died there because my life is worthless but then I thought that I didn't want to die without telling anyone that I'm a girl.
I feel offended when guys say bad things about women.
I'm multiple times more interested in girls cloths and hygien products, are far more comfortable and happier with girls (that doesn't mean that I'm social, happy and comfortable, but I'm less anti social, unhappy and uncomfortable than usual).
I love girly movies and songs.
I get happy if I get called girl by mistake.
I wanted to become a figure skater when I was really young.
I have a scarily womanlike body apart from my lenght and broad shoulders (hip waist ratio, body leg ratio, female tilted arms, throws like a girl, browline to hairline distance, really narrow bones, freakishly thin, are able to cross legs almost three times etc). I found out a few days ago that my body leg ratio is even the ideal for female models, don't know if I should do a 0_0 or :-') ...
I have been falling into female body language all the time while alone for years.
Everytime I move or say something it's like a conflict between masculinity and femininty.
I don't want to die alone without a family, but I would rather kill myself right away than becoming a father.
I always known that I will never be a fully functioning male when it comes to jobs, relationships and more or less everything. I have always been having a lot of anxiety about getting older because getting older would bring more requirements of being manly and I also feared that I would become more manly.
Even if I havn't wanted to be a girl for a long time I've always been thinking stuff like (and I know that some of these things are quite weird, common or not important, but still) "female bodybuilders are cool, I wish I could become one" "gamer girls are cool, I wish I could become one" "I also want to move like that" "I wish I was a girl so I could be a lesbian" "I'm like a girl, I'm way stronger in my legs than upper body compared to most people".
I hate my name and presenting myself.
According to myself I have really tried to be a comfortable and normal guy and it have failed totally, it's like acting. The effort I have put in is probably nothing compared to most people, but still.
If I take a pencil and writes down everything good about myself on a paper and presents myself I feel ashamed and just can't stand for what I have written. It's totally the other way around if I present myself as female.
But I still don't know if this is enough. Maybe it's just self hate or lack of confidence, I would be nervous presenting myself and having to act like a mature woman as well (but then I would atleast want to be able to do, which I definatly isn't the case now). I'm afraid that I'm just copying quotes of what other people in similiar situations have written. I have like no serious problems with my genitals (even if they are quite ugly and irritating sometimes), I have only been feeling like this for a relatively small amount of time (but I know it's not going away), I don't really have the typical mtf childhood and adolscence story, I never had any real interessed in crossdressing before age 16 (even if I always thought it was funny to let my cousins put on make up on me and that kind of stuff when I was young, but I guess everyone did that), I didn't want to be a girl when I was younger, I have never really hurted myself or something like that (even if I havw always wanted to do it sometimes) or been depressed for real. Apart from that I have no idea what girls at my age spend their time doing and I would probably seem even more retarded than what I do now for a couple of years before I learned. I'm not sure if I would like having a vagina, right know I would, but not most of the time. I'm probably asexual now maybe that will change if I get one, I don't know... SRS would be extremely scary in any case. I'm almost sure that I would want to be a woman if there was no other people or any anxiety and shame in the world but most mtf seem to be like insanely sure. I'm sure that this is not a phase (it have been going on for a long time in different ways) or some lack of manly role models, my grandpa is like an European version of Clint Eastwoods character in Gran Torino, my cousins and brothers are like copies of Stiffler, my father takes at least 350 ibs in benchpress and makes god himself shiver when he gets mad. You can't imagine his rage if you havn't seen it and my grandpa is even worse...
I don't know if I have a female brain. I seem to have both typical male and female characteristics. I'm really good at like mathematics, solving problems, history, and like sports (atleast watching them and taking part in sports where noone gets hurt) etc but also have some kind of female intuition, are talking calm instead of screaming while in arguments, I throw things instead of hitting them when I'm angry, my mode is going up and down all the time, I can hold on grudges for decades and I'm taking decision based on me and other peoples emotions.
So as I said, I don't really know what to do, try to book a time or continue sitting home and thinking about this **** for a few more months... I don't think I will ever become sure. Most people seem to have always been insanely sure for years. It would be really interesting to know how many people believed they were mtf but figured out they weren't. There doesn't seem to be anyone, but why would anyone talk about it? I certainly would not.
Sorry for my English, I know it's not that bad, but I guess it's far from perfect...
