In the end I had to come out to my parents

[Apples]

In the end, I had to come out to my father. He had told my mother already, but still regarded it as random thoughts I wanted to get rid off. After three hours talking, he cannot completely accept it, and only talks about how much pain this is going to cause them. And my inner pain? He keeps hoping I am wrong, or that I will get scared and stop the HRT after I fwe months. Telling that most changes are reversible seemed to calm him a bit.


Of course, they don't want the neighbours to see me on a dress or wearing a skirt. They don't know how they will be able to accept it so late on their lives, but they only see the bad things. That I will never get a job, I can't change my name, everybody will hate me, etc... He mentioned some elderly lady on the building which ended on a psychiatrist after discovering her son was gay and believes this will happen to my mother.
And of course, now they really want me to leave home as soon as possible. While I am here, this needs to be 50/50. They will try to accept it, but I won't be able to make it public or wear "those clothes" while I live here. Their home, their rules. Anyways, beats me. I was planning to stick to the androgynous look, I really dislike those "bimbos" you see lately.


I don't know what I do. Should I abandon everything? Tell the psychologist everything was make believe and end my sessions? Just turn it into another "what if"? Still can't feel like a woman and I doubt I ever will be. I just don't want to be what I am now... I don't feel I am up to the task, at least while I am at home. I don't want to be seen practising make up or doing voice training with them here, and everything seems hard enough to discourage me and just sit down in from of a screen for another ten years. I don't even know how to move in a more effeminate way, and I feel like I was a tank. Maybe I don't have it inside and everything is a lie.

My family was the only thing that kept me away from doing this, and they only want me to leave or live hidden. After almost 30 years I've been wanting to leave  and live my own life for years, but I don't know If I will be able to cope with the rejection. And my mother still does not know about it. I hope they will accept it with time, but. I though that with the grandparents problem this would seem just a nuisance, but now he thinks this makes the other look rather small.

[lilacwoman]

Move out, get a room in a motel, get a job in a burger bar and be yourself.

Ignore the guilt trips of the parents and keep in touch with them until one day they can see you nice an happy.

When you are absorbed in your tasks you will be moving in a naturally female way if a woman's brain is controlling you.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

If you can move.  If you can't find friends where you can at least be you.


Don't give up!  Never give up!  Explain things to your therapist and stay the course.  You make need to stay in male mode til you can get a place of your own.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Apples,

I don't know what I do. Should I abandon everything?

Only if you are prepared to live daily, with the anguish, pain and depression that is part of GID.

Tell the psychologist everything was make believe and end my sessions?

I doubt he is going to believe that one. However it's your choice. You'll be back though, probably in worse shape than how you left. You need to understand GID doesn't 'go away'. Denial doesn't work either. When you finally escape it, you are faced with the realisation you have just wasted 'X' numbers of years in denial.

Just turn it into another "what if"?

As I said, denial doesn't work.

Still can't feel like a woman and I doubt I ever will be.

The only person that can change that decision is .... YOU.

I just don't want to be what I am now...

Great. First positive statement so far. Let's get to work on it and do something about it.

at least while I am at home.

Great, second positive statement. Let's look at how to move you away from all the negative influences, objections and barriers.

and everything seems hard enough to discourage me

Nobody ever said this was going to be easy. Either accept change or live the rest of your days in quite desperation.

I don't even know how to move in a more effeminate way,

Least of your problems at the present.

Maybe I don't have it inside and everything is a lie.

And then again, on the other hand, maybe you DO have it inside and everything isn't a lie. Probability alone will tell you everything is not a lie.

My family was the only thing that kept me away from doing this,

FABULOUS!!!  Solution found. 

and they only want me to leave or live hidden. After almost 30 years I've been wanting to leave  and live my own life for years, but I don't know If I will be able to cope with the rejection.

Who's life are you living? Theirs or yours? Secondly. Who's life do you want to live? Yours or theirs?

I sense we are getting somewhere.

Huggs
Catherine

[Apples]

Problem is that the concept "full time" doesn't go with me. I only fit on transgender, and I don't feel like fully giving away my male identity, or changing my name. I keep feeling That I walk between two roads, and that's how I like it. I believe If I went full time I'd still feel like lying. You know, I like my both parts.




Thruth is, I've wanting to leave home for years. First, I had difficulties finding my first job. After that, we had the problem with the homes prizes skyrocketing (now are worse than ever), So I could only could save and wait. Now buying is not an option, since with the crisis I'd have to accept a job anywhere even outside my own country. And renting.... Let's say that the cost is insane (550€ not counting heating, water and electricity). If I look well I'll find something, but... Two more things:


- I have a 66% possibility of keeping my job. If I end on the other 33%, I'd be stuck here for a few more years (25% unemployment rate, and increasing every day)
- Practically I don't know how to live by myself (doh), since I've never left home. That's something I've been wanting to improve for a long time. Give me a Keyboard and I will fix everything, but when it comes to surviving... And that's why I've always felt the insecurity.

[justmeinoz]

You will have to cope when they eventually die, being older.  I know that sounds harsh, but it is a case of looking after yourself first. 

There is always the option of adopting an androgynous gender, and staying with a male legal identity until you decide to move on.

[cindianna_jones]

You've posed questions we all face. The decisions are yours to make. Don't push aside the love you have for your family. But don't let their influence determine the course you take. You are the master of your soul. I'm not encouraging to take either course. I'm encouraging you to evaluate your feelings and situation and make the best decision possible. My best to you.

Chin up!
Cindi

[Tristan]

You could do what I did. Go back to them and say it was all a mistake and keep your cloths somewhere outside the house where they won't know. As long as they are in the dark no harm no fowl. Go.to college and blossom their. That's what I did. Hormones in college and saving money hear and their from 16-25 then I had surgery. I know it sounds deceitful but with family its sometimes needed until your able to get on your ow. Two feet.

[Apples]

It just that I still can't believe it myself. Whenever I manage to meet with friends and the solitude dissapears for a few hours (like today), the happiness seems to go return and the sensation of this being a necessity starts to be questioned, at least for the time. Maybe this is only a toy I want to cope with being alone.


I'd love to have the effects of HRT, specially things such as breast, reduced sweating, better skin (which cripple my life), Sometimes I'd love to be on woman clothes, but I don't like the idea of full time (I prefer androgynous mode), or removing the genitalia. It's not that I feel I am a woman. I feel I am not a man. Or maybe a manly man. IF I was to change my name, I would get a neutral one. Or what I don't want is to look as an stereotype with things I don't like such as mini skirts or jewelry.


At this country looks like transgender is not even mentioned, only transsexual seems to be the only option accepted. If Social security is going to pay for it, looks like they want you to do it until the end, not being stuck in the middle. From the info I could gather, they require you to really want to be a woman for life. And also be a stereotype of woman on your looks.


If I don't want to be in woman mode daily for the rest of my life, or remove my genitalia after some years, I don't think I would be approved for treatment. What can I do? Lie so that I can get the treatment and after that say that I am happy with just walking half of the road? Maybe they could cancel the treatment.
I need to get a lot of more info on this. It's fun to dream on internet, but when you look at the reality is not as easy as it looks, specially when they require you to be on a system and play by their rules.


PS: Almost forgot. From the experiencies I'm reading about, G.I.D. units psychologist have transphobia, will try to kick you out and won't approve anything without the RLE, which is not possible. I'm not going through that with my face, and as I mentioned, my family won't approve it. The system just makes me lose all hope.

[lostflower]

If you don't become who you need to be it'll kill you or worse it'll kill the part of you that cares if you live or die like it did to me until I accepted that to be the person I wanted to be I had to be Hannah

You deserve a chance to be happy too

[justmeinoz]

You haven't said why you are still living at home at 30.  I don't know where you are but in Australia most people want their independence and will be gone long before then. 

[Apples]

Edit: Short version:
Renting price is incredibly high (I live in one of the main cities), and my salary was not high enough as to be able to leave until now. My parents kept pressing me to save money and stay a home so I could use it on buying a flat and they would financially support me, but now with the crisis I am on my own.





Long version:
Alright. This is Spain. Renting is several times more expensive than what you would expect on other countries, and buying quite similar. During the last ten years we had a "building bubble" on which home prices skyrocketed.

As for me, living in one of the countries with the highest rate of unemployment and corrupt politicians on the world is not an easy thing. I finished studying on 2004 and I couldn't get my first job until 2007 (25 years). Thanks to lots of corporative tricks, my salary was low for years, and it is still quite low (1000€ aprox after five years, started on 500€ for 8 daily hours). During all of this time I've been saving around 60% of my income every month, on hopes of having a headsstart for when I could leave.

The problem: I can't buy a home, since banks won't help you anymore, and I can't guarantee my job's stabilyty. Thousands of people have lost their homes already thanks to the crysis and now belong to the banks. So the next question is: could I rent?

Since renting was a relatively unheard concept until now, it is the new trend and bait. Let's say that I earn 1000€ per month. The only decent place I could find on my first safari was like 550€, not counting electricity, water and heating, which need to be paid separately. Add food and I will be surviving more than living. Extra points when in september the VAT is raised from 8% to 21%, thanks to that thief we have for a president.

Unfortunately, I have no hopes of getting a higher paid job, and it does not exist. Just having one is like being a god now (you can't imagine how it is to see 50+ year old people working on fast food chains). And that's why I am stuck: Not enough money. If I leave I won't be able to fund electrolysis or anything.

My only hopes are that I can retain my job and find a cheap renting place, small enough for me and that the combined cost of housing and expenses won't take more than 60% of my income. But the norm here is people at 30 and 40 going back to their parents home because the banks took their homes after losing their jobs. And after that taking the parent's homes. We have more homeless people than ever thanks to the crisis.

[Catherine Sarah]

Dear god Apples,

That explains just so much. The moment you said you were from Spain, I thought, you're in trouble.

Are there any LGBTIQ organisations in your city that could assist you with group housing? Or other such benefits of being in community? Knowing others who are of a similar disposition can be an effective leverageing tool to many of the facilities and service you may require.

Quite obvious what you are doing with respects to your employment is absolutely right. If you can stay with it, time will eventually work itself out to your advantage.

Keep up the good job you are doing.

Huggs
Catherine

[Apples]

Parental argument again. Asked me If I had give up already on all of this madness. He is still trying to coerce me into thinking I will destroy my life and everybody will use all of their cruelty with me.


The worst is that as usual, I will end believing everything they say. I'm leaving home as soon as I know my job is safe. If the opposite happens, it will be bad. Just listening to him and I feel like a monster who will never success at this. I strongly believe that if it wasn't for my parents, I'd have a stronger attitude at life.

[Nicolette]

Parental argument again. Asked me If I had give up already on all of this madness. He is still trying to coerce me into thinking I will destroy my life and everybody will use all of their cruelty with me.


The worst is that as usual, I will end believing everything they say. I'm leaving home as soon as I know my job is safe. If the opposite happens, it will be bad. Just listening to him and I feel like a monster who will never success at this. I strongly believe that if it wasn't for my parents, I'd have a stronger attitude at life.

My father is Italian. His view of the world is very macho, very Italian. Typical misogynist. Thankfully, my mother divorced him when I was 14 years old and was chucked out of the house. He's a complete narcissist, emotional vampire and has zero self-awareness. I hope your father is not anything like him. Narcissistic parents can do permanent emotional damage. I hope you can find a solution to leaving your parents' home soon.

[Apples]

The correct definition would be "over protective". And still thinks that I will look like an "ugly crossdresser". I'd show him transitions pictures, but it would be even worse. He is not accepting that I don't see myself as a man (even less the fact I'm bi). He only wants me to keep everything inside me and do nothing. It's too late for that.

My guess is that If I remained a man (a shell of a man), I would end being some sort of depressed, alcoholic manchild that would always cry about the past (like I do now, sans the alcoholic part).

And I need to keep working with my therapist in controlling my rage. If the criticism come from him, I explode. Not exactly good blood, I just keep a low profile and bend to their rules most of the time so that they won't bother me. But this is more than keeping the volume at an specific level. This is the most important decision I will take about my life.

[lilacwoman]

lots of TS have gone to live in small rented places and 'survived' on basic foods in order to be free to live the life they feel they should.

If you can't face doing it you will have to stay in the closet until one day the parents die and leave you some money.

UK has had 22% Vat for some time but we all still eat and pay our way - of we get our priorities right.

[lilacwoman]

good luck and look to Susans for all the info you need.

[Dee]

My example totally pales in comparison, but something you said made me think of this.  I had an awfully hard time finding work myself, and lived at home until I was 24.  Despite the positive relationship I have with my father and sister, it was miserable to be at home, unemployed, nothing 'to show' for who I was (this is all pre-coming out fully to myself, btw).  Not to mention the terrible depression I faced at each turn.  I barely had any money saved, but knew deep down that the only way to get out of my funk was to just take the dive, move out, and let my exploration of the world be the fire under me to help take control of my life.

And guess what- it worked!  It can feel like an obvious statement to make, but should be made nonetheless: being on your own fully allows you to take control of your life.  Once I found a place with some friends, we were all able to flourish in our respective arts.  And now, I'm able to take these first steps towards therapy and treatment.

Though very early in the whole process, I can already see a bit of clarity.  I'm sure this will do the same for you.  Any plunge is terrifying at first, but it seems to be a necessary step towards finding your own peace.

[monica93304]

Keep your chin up. Don't lose hope. Keep in mind that we only live once.  Make sure that you live YOUR life to the fullest.  Don't compromise YOUR principles and dreams for people that aren't willing to at lest respect that.

I'm 42 in the early stages of HRT and transition.  My economic situation isn't great, but I try my best and seek the support from others like me that have already done this.

Monica.