Disappointed in Myself

[Misato]

So, I needed new work pants because apparently I dropped a size from what I bought last Spring to this January.  But before I get into that..

--MEANWHILE FROM GREEN BAY--

My dad has been going off on me.  Here's some choice comments I've been getting:

• You'll never be a woman
• You should be committed
• You are dead to me
• Accusing me of doing transitioning to get some kind of jolly.

For the most part I've been pretty darn successful in blowing him off.  My dad has always been a pool of negativity so his reaction wasn't totally unexpected.  The dead to me one cut a wee bit though while at the same time striking me as oh so melodramatic, given that it was coming from him.

(As an aside, I've reported in other posts about how well my coming outs have been going.  My dad has proven himself to be the exception but I remain undaunted and very pleased that they went well overall)

Now, with the sage set, I'm at the mall getting my pants.  Clerk is great!  Tells me about the pants, brings me to a dressing room, checks up on me several times and brings new items to replace the ones that didn't fit right.  So I choose what I'm going to get and head for the checkout.  Reaching in to my purse I have to pull out my debit card that still has my male name on it given that I only just got the ball rolling on my name change.  Anyway, the clerk says something about the store credit card and I blurt out, "I'll just admit it.  I'll think about it after I change my name."  ＿|￣|○

Maybe if I'd have only said, "I'll think about it after I change my name." I'd feel better.  Women change their names rather frequently!  It's the "just admit it" that's eating at me.  Everything was going so well!  Swell even!

It was my father and it was that dang debit card that got to me.  You know, I don't doubt that in the clerk's mind I'm still a girl.  Interact with me a little bit and I just make so much more sense as a woman people seem to stop trying to guess and just accept.

I just feel bad that I outed myself.  Dad weakened me and the card just kicked a leg out from under me.

On the other hand while walking up to the checkout at another shop about a year ago I did say, "I take it you read me".  So given how little I've shopped in person, and how long my interaction was with this clerk, I did improve.  Hopefully soon I'll just make it through.  Still won't take the credit card offers though (Why didn't I just say that?). (；一_一)

[Kevin Peña]

Well, we've all had silly tongue slips before. I'm sure the clerk won't make anything of it. Besides, What you said wasn't outing yourself. In fact, it was pretty cryptic. The name on the debit card is what did it. Maybe use cash next time? 

[KayCeeDee]

I agree with Diana and think you're being too hard on yourself. You're doing great!

[suzifrommd]

Every time someone knows you're trans, whether because you've outed yourself intentionally or because someone clocks you, you are showing the world what transgender looks like. Your showing them that transgender men and women are intelligent, are sane and personable, in short, we're human.

When you do that, you make it just that much easier for people who come after.

[Devlyn]

Dad's a stick in the mud, big surprise there! Give him time, he's showing you that he needs more. I love what agfrommd just said. Hugs, Devlyn

[Alainaluvsu]

Just tell your dad that he's being hormonal and he needs to get that checked out.

As for the credit card... just cool it on that. I still have my debit card under my old name and if anybody ever asks (which is very rare), I just tell them it's my boyfriends. If you pass you pass, a debit card isn't going to out you.

[Misato]

Thanks everyone.

I just had a nice streak of going good there.  Like getting four or five strikes in a row in bowling.  With the cryptic comment noted, maybe I rolled a spare and didn't even realize it?

Every time someone knows you're trans, whether because you've outed yourself intentionally or because someone clocks you, you are showing the world what transgender looks like. Your showing them that transgender men and women are intelligent, are sane and personable, in short, we're human.

When you do that, you make it just that much easier for people who come after.

So totally agree with this by the way!

[Emily Aster]

My dad causes that reaction in me too. I suddenly feel the need to explain my decisions to people rather than just stating them. Friends keep telling me to stop it because it's getting on their nerves.

[JoanneB]

So you were using your current/future husbands card? My wife did for years before we were officially married. No one thought of or made anything of it.

Half empty or half full?

[Misato]

I think it was who I'm dealing with that got to me.  Even growing up he'd call me "meathead" (Often followed by "Come change the channel" [angels sang the first time we got a remote control]) so the ruts his hurting words travel are well worn.  I mean I've used my stupid card a number of times since going full time at the grocery store.   Just today, buying pants.  I'm sure I had nerves about using the changing room but, as has become the norm, there was no issue.  Those nerves were just more fallout from my father.

Now that I think of it, maybe starting the process of changing my name has something to do with it too.  I'll have to think about that angle some more...

Then there were old feelings of not really belonging there.  I guess that's the heart of my disappointment.  I thought I'd licked that.  But now I can bring my dad back in and explain how they got back into my heart.

Oh and I did have fun!  Felt a little rushed too, but I could hear the clerk rushing everyone.

I do aim to keep my glass half full.   I'll take this and learn from it.  Next time will be better!

[Heather]

I'm sorry your dad was so horrible to you. Parents can say some of the worst things. I wouldn't worry about outing yourself! In the long run is the clerk really going remember you outing yourself? I'd say no their just doing their job and could probably care less. Don't be so hard on yourself!

[Ani]

You should check if you can add someone to your account.  On my Visa credit card (not debit, but it may not matter), I can go online, and request a new card with any name I choose (have always kept the same last name).  I did this first so my daughter could have a card for school, gas, and if required emergency use.  Later I requested one for my female name.  Three days later, I had a new credit card in my hands.