I don't feel like I pass

[Rena-san]

As a MTF, all my close friends tell me I pass fine. But I don't feel like I do. I feel like once I get up close to someone they can always tell. Even from far away I think most people can tell because I always feel like I'm being stared at or double taken. Anyway, I feel like strangers I meet and am interacting with only treat me as a woman because they feel sorry for me. Does anyone else have similar feelings towards this subject? Similar experiences? Basically, I don't want to be treated as a woman only cause people feel sorry for me or something which is basically how I feel now. 

[Apples Mk.II]

Once I read that a problem is that most people will have a difficulty for telling the truth and not wanting to make you feel bad.


As for me, I am so pessimistic that if I pass for me, I will pass for the rest of the world, xD. While my mouth is closed, of course.

[Reagan]

OMG! is this not the quintessential internal argument of all trans people? Honey own it and let yourself free!!! When ever I feel that way I just remind myself that I am a woman and I have always been one. I may look a little different but that's the way I roll. Don't let that feeling get you down and don't let that little voice have any control over you. If someone does clock you as a trans-woman big deal. OWN IT! Know that you look good and that you are who you are and be proud of you accomplishments. If your friends are telling you you pass, you pass. IF you don't want to be treated like a woman out of pity then be treated as a woman because you are confident as a woman.

Keep your chin up and smile. If you are bothered by it it will affect how people read you.

[MariaMx]

I know exactly what you mean. There was a time when I didn't pass at all, and I was painfully aware of it. Then I started passing but I didn't really believe it. Then I had the full ffs works and people wouldn't believe me when I told them I was trans. I would do things like hang out with people I knew from before that knew about my transition but I didn't tell them who I was and they had no idea I was actually someone they knew fairly well. Experiences like these made me very confidant in my passing abilities. Then life moves on and any real feedback diminished to almost nothing. No-one would stare, point or whisper. There are double-takes and no-one ever say anything. But there's no positive feedback telling me I'm passing either, so I've developed this intermittent paranoia that people are just keeping their mouths shut to be nice. It's really hard to shake this feeling that I'm not really passing. I knew I wasn't passing back when I for sure didn't, but it's been so long so I can't really remember what it was like.

About 2 years ago I took a work related 8 week course and was in a class of about 20 other students ranging in age from 20 something up to 50 something, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out if they knew or not. There was absolutely no sign that anyone knew, but no sign that they didn't know either. Every day I would sit in class and wonder if they knew or not.

The only way I can get over it is when something happens that make me 100% sure I am passing, and usually it takes a situation in which there is a good chance I will get clocked, like for instance being examined by a doctor or nurse. This happened two years ago when I fell over my bike and got the end of the handlebars right in my belly. I was sure I had internal organ damage and crawled into the ER examination room in jeans, t-shirt, ponytail and no makeup. The doctor examining me wondered if I happened to be pregnant because that could be serious. After that I felt pretty confidant for a while, but then again nothing happens and I slip back into the irrational pattern of thinking everyone I meet knows. The rational part of my brain is telling me I am passing, but I still doubt it for some reason.

Like Apples say, people have a hard time being honest, but in my opinion people that knew you well before your transition are just as bad at telling if you pass or not as you are yourself. One time  I was hanging out with my brother and an old friend of our. My friend had never really understood my transition but eventually came to accept it. He still sort of saw me as the same as before, but then his ex that I knew pretty well came by to visit and she could not figure out who I was. First she though I was my brothers gf, then a few minutes later she was asking my brother about me and how I was doing being completely clueless I was sitting there right in front of her. My friend was rolling around on the floor laughing and was completely blown away that his ex could not figure me out, because when he looked at me he still sort of saw the same person as before. I think strangers are the only real measure of how passable we are or not.

I don't go out to clubs and bars so much anymore, but every now and then I need to to get some confirmation. Teenage girls scare the crap out of me, but then going into a club-restroom jam packed with them and having non of them react in any sort of way to my presence works wonders for my confidence. It's scary as hell at first, but it works. Sometimes you have to push the envelope to really know you are passing for real.

Anyways, if nothing indicates you aren't passing, you probably are.

[suzifrommd]

I have no personal experience, since I haven't tried to transition. But I'll point out that the happiest Trans woman I know is 6'4" and it is quite clear she'll never pass, but she's very comfortable with herself as a woman.

[Sephirah]

This:

As a MTF, all my close friends tell me I pass fine. But I don't feel like I do.

Many times leads to this:

I feel like once I get up close to someone they can always tell. Even from far away I think most people can tell because I always feel like I'm being stared at or double taken. Anyway, I feel like strangers I meet and am interacting with only treat me as a woman because they feel sorry for me. 

Often times it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, because your body language can convey a vast amount of information that you're not even consciously aware of. If you don't feel confident about yourself, you can give off subtle cues that people pick up on, and may lead to exactly the sort of second glances that took it away in the first place. Although these may not be with regard to your passing, but just curiosity about what it is that makes you seem on edge or tense. Yet this reinforces your belief that people are seeing something else, and that shakes your confidence even more, so it becomes a cycle.

As Buddha said: "What we think, we become."

Break the cycle. The first step is self-belief. This will translate through your demeanor and the way you carry yourself. You might be surprised at the difference it makes.

[gennee]

People can sense if you are uncomfortable in your own skin. My being comfortable about myself has done wonders for my confidence. 

[Kelly J. P.]

 I also feel like I don't pass, at times. However, I believe that the usual opinion is that, while I do pass, I am not very attractive.

Frankly, I realize that one half of it is confidence, and the other is happiness. A happy, confident person ends up looking better than a depressed person does, even if only for the change of attitude. I also realize I'm partially lying to myself because of my disappointment. When done up properly, I can look pretty okay.

There's not a whole lot a person can really do about it, except to just try to look their best as often as possible. Building a good self-image can be hard, but it's effective.

[Cindy]

I suppose over the years I have seen heaps of the 'I don't pass' threads. Until I went FT I  read them and had a bit of a worry about what it means 'not to pass' or what it means 'to pass'.

After going FT my perspective has changed. There was no way I could go in stealth. So I did go from being in 'guy' mode, to semi-guy/female, to presenting FT as female.  I go to work wearing normal female attire, I wear some but not much make up etc etc. I doubt that I pass (being sarcastic ). Everyone knows I'm TG.

I don't care.

I'm a woman and I present as the woman I am.

Guess what? No one cares. I'm treated as a woman. I'm accepted. I'm  include in the female talk and ignored in the male talk. I use the female loo.

If you accept yourself others do as well. If they don't? To Hades with them

[V M]

It's kinda hit and miss for me, sometimes people behave in a way that makes me feel good, other times not

But hey, like Cindy says... "I'm a woman and I present as the woman I am."  In other words, I am who I am and that's who I'm going to be regardless of anyone else's opinion 

I may or may not pass, if people want to be nice, I'm happy to be nice in return    If people choose to not be nice, I'm all too happy to tell them what bus to catch 

[justmeinoz]

From talking to many cis women I would say they all feel the same.
I have a friend who was convinced she needed Botox, at 40.  Her girlfriend and I had a job to reassure her that we couldn't see the wrinkles she was concerned about. 
She believed our assertion that she was being her own worst critic when I said I hated my beard shadow, which she had to admit she couldn't see either.
Just another proof that you are a woman after all, I'd say.