Girls, do you think its preferable not to tell guys we're trans?

[Silent Killer]

I stumbled on these 2 videos on Youtube, what are your honest opinions? Do you think its better not to say so that we feel more secure and treated better? If we're passable and we don't say, is NOT telling you're trans equal to tricking/deceiving? I don't think so. What do you think?

[Alainaluvsu]

Without looking at the video (I will look at it after I post), I'll say I ALWAYS tell guys before I give them my phone number. That's my rule. If I meet him at the bar I wont say a word until he asks for my number, and if he's not in ear shot of his friends I'll tell him. If he is I'll say something like "I'll give it to you later".

Some men have egos, and they violently protect them. God forbid you get around some rough guy that finds out, and starts questioning his sexuality. I'm not in the mood to get the hell beat out of me (or die) any time soon.

Then again I'm pre op... maybe when I'm post op I'll tell him later, idk.

[UCBerkeleyPostop]

If you are pre-op, I will only say remember Gwen Araujo.

[Constance]

I'm pre-op, have 2 adult kids who call me dad, and am pretty much out of the closet. I'd disclose at the outset.

[MaidofOrleans]

Always tell up front. Too many girls get hurt or even killed by doing it the other way.

[Alainaluvsu]

I watched the entire first video and I can definitely see the point of view and where she's coming from. It's a ->-bleeped-<-ty situation and she outlines a big chunk of why I want to get SRS (not the whole reason however). I'm sick of guys going from "So what do you do in school?", to either "YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME THAT SOONER!!" or showing me some trans porn. But I always have to think of my own safety and I don't want to risk it.

The second video I didn't even bother... the first couple of minutes just made me roll my eyes and I closed it out.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

To answer the question.  That would depend on the person.

Under no circumstances should anyone try to "trick" men.  That will only get one beaten up, or worse killed.

Not only can you get hurt, but it gives all of us a bad reputation and will only fuel those who would discriminate against us.

We are our chosen gender and as such how can we be tricking anyone.  To trick or deceiving anyone only will harm one.  Those who wish to trick men are not being true to themselves.

Each person needs to make the choice who to tell.  But never deceive anyone.

[Kelly J. P.]

 I wouldn't go out with guys pre-op. If one is really persistent, then I will disclose, and as a result he will more than likely drop the issue.

... But, in case he doesn't, I have unrelated hoops for him to jump through. If a guy actually gets through them all, then it'll be like winning the lottery. However, I made them with the intention of having near-impossible standards just for the sake of keeping single. I don't require good looks so much as a good heart, so it's less difficult than one may think, but I'd say finding my kind of guy would be a rarity indeed.

After the op, I'd probably still tell, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I don't fully trust. If I feared that he would turn against me if he found out, then I would probably drop him. It's not good for the soul to be paranoid forever.

I'm in no hurry to find a man, so I can be as careful as I want in selection. If I stay single forever, then so be it... It beats the alternative.

[Dahlia]

The second one? What a strange story??

Looks like she transitioned to please man and find a straight guy?

[Julie Wilson]

I watched both videos and they were too long.  People need an outline and those videos need to be edited down.  Also, especially the second video was basically an angry rant.  They were both angry rants but the second one expressed that anger more directly.

I can't say I disagree with either video, at least not in essence.

I have felt the exact same way, except to approach straight men (second video) with the intention of revenge demonstrates how the person seeking the vengeance is only really hurting herself.  The enemy is in her head and she has become what the enemy has accused her of being.

Here is an example of the steps I recognized in my own transition

Admit to yourself that transition is necessary and take responsibility. (Assuming it is necessary for you.) Overcome your fears and begin taking the following steps.

(1.) Believe in yourself, if you don't no one else will.
(2.) Therapy/Support - (Assuming you feel it is necessary.)
(3.) Clothing.
(4.) Makeup
(5.) Hair
(6.) Voice
(7.) Hormones
(8.) Surgery
(9.) Honor step one, don't say things a woman would never say about herself.  This step is not conditional, it doesn't depend on whether or not people know you transitioned. Don't admit to being anything except for what you know in your heart that you are.  Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have and all of your other relationships will depend upon it.  Never betray yourself.  If you are willing to betray yourself who wouldn't you be willing to betray?  No matter what happens if you honor step (9.) at the end of the day you will have your dignity and you will be able to live with yourself.

Step 9 isn't always easy.  I texted a guy tonight who told me to call him if I ever wanted to go out to dinner with him.  It wasn't an easy decision and I thought about it for four months before texting him.  As far as I know he doesn't know I transitioned.  I really doubt he does.  The problem is I live in a place where some people know or have heard that I transitioned.  My own personal rule about disclosure was that if some people know I transitioned I have to talk to the guy about it before things get hot and heavy.  But I have changed my mind, I think I was really just being cowardly.  I think I need to focus on never betraying myself because I need to honor myself.

I realize this may sound extreme to some people.  I know that even after I had SRS I believed I would always be trans and I would always have to tell people I transitioned.  The problem is if we can't get over the fact that we transitioned how can we ever expect anyone else to get over it?  I am tired of making excuses for something I overcame.  And I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than try to convince someone that I am a female.  No thanks.  If I betray myself it will be because my fears overcame me, my guilt and my inability to believe in myself.  It will be because GID is still destroying my life.

So...  I guess what I am saying is that I mostly agree with the videos.  I would have presented it differently in less time.  Despite my trademark forever posts.

And if you are comfortable telling people you are trans then continue to do that.  It's easier and stress free but you may want to get a cat or a dog to keep you company during the lonely times assuming you don't have a trans partner or one who is sticking through transition with you.  We all have our own relatively unique situations and needs.  My example is just that, an example.

[V M]

If I should ever get involved in a serious relationship I will give full discloser, until then, I'll let the 'Window Shoppers' think whatever suits their fancy

[justmeinoz]

Up until now this hasn't been an issue really.  It is only since I have started to consider that I may well be Bisexual rather than Lesbian, that it is relevant.
Dykes don't usually have to consider mens opinions in this area. 
Being pre-op, I would have to tell in order to be comfortable with myself, but post-op I would possibly be a little less "out", at least at first.
How soon  would really depend on the person.

Karen.

[JoanneB]

My wife's policy was basically the same as what would be done for any dating situation. For instence, let's say you had a mentally ill parent. Would you come right out and tell a virtual stranger you just met in some bar 10 minutes ago? Likely not.

You would most likely just carry on developing a friendship. After some time when you actually get to know this other person and have a better idea how he would handle that news, you decide wheter or not to tell him. My wife lived pre-op in NYC for well over 10 years and passed perfectly. She dated. Some guys after a while she told. Other guys she knew would never handle it. There were also plenty of guys sheinstantly felt would never handle it that she'd flirt some with perhaps and say good-bye.

Just as with passing, what is inside your panties does not count. Unless you plan on having sex with a stranger, what need is there to declare your "status" right away? Just as in the case of declaring you have a mentally ill mom if they aren't comming home with you to meet her.

[AbraCadabra]

Can't ACTUALLY see this to be my issue, too old and no ass...

Old females like me are close to invisible - just how it is.

If you hot and still young, well THAN it's like to play with fire. Sometimes it helps to be unattractive, come to think of it.

In any case again it's an age thing - it will/would take quite some time before things get physical (is what I think) and THAT would create time to figure out WHAT to do. "To be or not to be..." TS

If the man I'd sense to be a violent bastard, I'd drop him long before it ever became an issue. If you go for quickies / one night stands / gonna have it where ever --- THEN not even as TS, but also as CIS you are exposing yourself beyond what I think to be reasonable.

Axélle
PS: Don't like either of those videos, both are too self-consciously da-di-da-di-da --- giving me a sense of the unreal, make me jealous of those knockers, the lot. I do not LIKE to deal with unreal people, so I gave them a pretty fast miss. Go call me a snob

[Julie Wilson]

2.If your going to be in a serious relationship, DO TELL. The man (woman) should love you for who you truly are, and shouldnt have to be "lied" to. It doesnt make you any less of a woman, but in my opinion, disclosing your status as trans is obligatory for a man to "fully" love you. He should know your past and life history, no?

I have posted too much in the last 30 hours or so but I promise this will be the last one for a while O_o ...

Yes, I totally agree.  The man (woman) should love you for who you truly are.

That said who are you, truly?  Most trans women say that they have always been female and often times the farther a trans woman gets through/past transition the more she begins to realize (make real) the fact that she has always been female.

As women who transition we need an opportunity to grow as women.  We were denied that at birth and we have to struggle just to have that opportunity to grow - and sometimes fate is unkind and no matter how much we work we never really succeed or get to that point.  Those of us who are fortunate enough to be received as female after transition will begin to grow as females because growing as a female requires authentic socialization, honest, gut-level instinctual interactions.

So, do we nip that in the bud by confessing to our loved one what we "truly are"?  What are we, "truly"?  In some cases we are what we have allowed ourselves to be.  In other cases we allow our fears and a misplaced sense of obligation to dictate what we 'are'.

There is no right answer.

Or is there?

There is an over-used quote that sounds a bit narcissistic when applied to typical people, "To thine own self be true."  We aren't typical people.  You have to save yourself before you can save anyone else.  For us, "To thine own self be true" takes on special meaning.  There is no right or wrong, feel free and even encouraged to do as you choose in these matters.  But consider this...  If we really have an obligation to allow someone else to love us for who we are then we should at least allow that individual to experience 'us' for who we truly are before we throw the mind-phuck on them by telling them (in Cis reality) that we are really men who have attempted to become women.  And in Cis reality we always fail to accomplish that goal and we are always seen as perpetually wanting to be female.

So my advice is allow someone to get to know you for who you "truly are" before you hit them with a mind-phuck that only trans people can even begin to understand on any relevant level.  No Cis person will ever truly understand our situation because at best their understanding will be theory or "good-faith" but they will always have to 'believe' as in a verb, they will constantly have to work to believe because they can never really understand what they can never feel for themselves.

Sorry to get all heavy. 

Like Kate Grimaldi used to say, "Telling isn't selling."  That may not mean very much to many people but experience is the greatest teacher of all.  Unfortunately some of us will never have the experiences necessary to understand certain things.  In the mean time I am a lonely explorer trying to find her way through the world, looking for love but not very hard.

[Emmy]

What, you mean with a guy romantically?
I'd say if you're post op you don't need to tell anyone anything about your past.
If you're pre-op, then yeah your partners should probably know. But no one else needs to.

[Kevin Peña]

I would say to tell any guy you either plan on being in a serious relationship with or having sex with. If they find out after the fact, you might put yourself in danger. Also, if you get into a serious relationship, hold off on the physical part until he//she has gotten to know you better. It might make it more likely that the person will accept you for who you are when he//she realizes that he//she likes you enough to look past your history.

PS--> If the person you're with wants kids, even if you're post-op, you may have to tell the person you can't have children. You can continue to lie and say you had a hysterectomy or just make it easier and come out from the beginning. I'd personally rather be with someone who can accept me than one who needs to be deceived to want to stay with me.

[Elena G]

I think it all comes down to the inability of people to really understand, TO KNOW, what we have been going through. If you have the brain of a woman, the body of a woman and the life of a woman, of what relevance is the fact that you were born a male? Once you leave all that behind, and truth is manifested the way they 'understand' it (your image), of what use is saying that? It's ridiculous.

[JennX]

I really didn't care much for either video... And the second one was very strange. I think she may have some issues besides guys. Anywho....

I never, ever tell a guy about my past until the third date. If he makes it that far. This gives me a chance to feel and figure him out. If I get any sense of homo-phobic or trans-phobic tendencies, thoughts, or beliefs... He's gone.

I think by disclosing up-front before even getting to know someone is doing a huge disservice to yourself. First, you will mainly be attracting ->-bleeped-<-s, weirdos, and creepers... Not the sort of people I think most of us want to find. Second, cis-gendered females do not start spilling every lurid detail of their past and or any medical/anatomical issue or deformity on the first date. It just doesn't work that way. Trust me. I've dated quite a few . If a woman had a hysterectomy and can longer conceive children, you surely won't read about it in her match.com profile nor will she mention it you on the first date. It just doesn't work that way.

Basically, I've never seen the urgent need to go telling every person you go out with your life story, unless you absolutely feel the need to. I never even consider telling guys my "past" until the third date and/or way before any intimacy. This gives me a chance to feel them out and see if he is worth my time and effort. I date fairly frequently and this is what has worked best for me. Do what you feel you are comfortable with, but try not to limit and label yourself from the start.

We as TG people face enough obstacles and challenges in life, why create more of your own making?

[Sephirah]

I wonder if there are any surveys asking people if they'd actually want to be told.