How will our lives change once he starts his mtf transition

[muffinpants]

So my significant other (he was born male, I was born female) and I have been together 7 years and we are very much in love. I've known from the start that he definitely had gender issues and I have always been okay with that because I did too. Today, he told me he knows for certain that he wants to go through with hrt, which I support wholeheartedly, but my only concern is how it will change our lives. I know it can be rough out there for trans people and I find it unacceptable that anyone could treat him differently, it is our private life and I don't want people nosing in, judging us for living our lives the way we wish to. You only have one, what's the point of living an unhappy lie? Another problem is his parents... and my parents as well. I'm worried that they will never accept this, even though for years we have kind of hinted at this. His parents are christian conservatives, as are mine.. But we live with his parents as we are in college. He is worried that if he doesn't start something now when he's young (he's 23) that irreversible changes will happen. Another thing that worries me is his career outlook. Are people going to discriminate when hiring because of this? He is a computer engineering student and incredibly intelligent. If he has to deal with all this though, I want to be prepared as well. He plans on seeing the gender therapist at our school on Monday and seeing what channels he can go through to begin.

Also, any insight on what to expect from all of this would be great. I just want to be prepared.

Note: I'm using the male pronoun because it is what we have become accustomed to given our arrangements.

[justmeinoz]

It's a tough question.  The only thing I can do is ask whether your parents would reject you both if you changed your religion?  I can't see that it is really all that different.

Kudos to you for wanting to stay together.  I doubt whether my wife would have been able to handle transition given her rigid outlook.

Karen.

[Jeneva]

There are a lot of IT companies that are accepting.  The question is that are any of them anywhere near you....

That is all I'll say about IT because I'm leaving it because I couldn't deal with the increasing work/life balance issues.

[muffinpants]

Well thanks for the replies! I'm glad that the world is slowly coming to accept those who come out as transgendered, though it isn't happening fast enough imo. It relieves me that he will still be able to find work somewhat easily, plus I have no doubt he will be very passable with the hrt.. geeze, half the time now he is mistaken for a girl!

Anyways, we've been talking about this all day, and the more we do, the more excited I get for us!! I've always considered myself pansexual, and I think it will be an interesting change for the both of us! We've never had actual intercourse because of how he feels about that part, and we've been together 7 years.... I wonder how it will change our sex life? We are very cuddly/touchy feely as it is.

And to the first reply, I don't know if that is the same thing.. he came out as an atheist to his parents when he was fourteen and I came out to my mother when I was 16ish I believe. His parents freaked, but what can they do about it? My mother lives in denial. My father I refuse to tell because I fear the consequences even though I don't live with him. I'm thinking only our respective mothers will accept it eventually.. does anyone have any experience with this though? I would rather be with my love and happy and leave these unsupportive people in my life behind, but I think it will be rough. Anyone that can't accept him will get nothing from me.

Anyways.. what else was i thinking.... Ahh I can't remember now, my mind is racing cus I'm just really jazzed up on this idea.

Anyone that has experienced this, thoughts and comments would be welcome! Thanks!

[GendrKweer]

Funny, your situation seems very like mine and my wife's..... i'm mtf, often mistaken for a girl for years, pansexual, married to an equally pansexual natal female.... together for 7 years also... When I told her what I had to do, she reacted like you, with excitement and support and love.... pretty much the perfect partner. Our sex life not only did not deteriorate, but improved tremendously, as i suspect yours will once your mate is comfortable in her body and with your acceptance. My parents don;t know although hers do.... just gotta do what ya gotta do to keep things smooth, I suppose. But as long as you love one another, things will be amazing. Have faith in love.

[justmeinoz]

Not only all the above, but you have a partner who is able to enjoy shopping!

[confusedconn]

Hello, I am new to this forum.

I am in a similar situation where my boyfriend is mtf while I am cis-female.

I am worried about his sexual orientation after hrt.
He mentioned that he will not change however will like to try out sex with guy after srs.

What do you think of this situation? What are the chances that he will prefer sex with guy after srs? Please advice.

[GendrKweer]

Gender and orientation are two entirely separate things, although some here say theirs changed. I suspect it less changed, than blossomed or surfaced. So my opinion would be if your significant other wants to try a boy or two, he's always wanted to do so. Nothing wrong with it. I explain my situation above as regards my marriage, but didn't add that ours is also an open one, or rather one where one very special other person (female, gorgeous and super smart and super sweet:) has been included increasingly for my wife. It can be done. The key to everything is constant, loving, near-pathological COMMUNICATION about your feelings, fears, safety concerns, boundaries (if any), emotional vs physical, logistics, etc. It gets quite complicated. But very worthwhile.

[JoanneB]

The key to everything is constant, loving, near-pathological COMMUNICATION about your feelings, fears, safety concerns, boundaries (if any), emotional vs physical, logistics, etc. It gets quite complicated. But very worthwhile.

"Near pathological" is a great way to put it. THat is how my wife and I have been. EXCEPT, those times when it's TMI for her and we go into a "Don't ask don't tell" phase.

I believe that is far harder for the partner of a trans person. How can anyone absorb or come to understand an entire lifetime of confused pent up feelings and thoughts? Even when they've been there themselves, it is difficult.

[blueconstancy]

ConfusedConn : My greatest fear was that my wife would leave me for a man, because that's what "everyone" said would happen. In reality, she's a bit more interested in men now than she was before (she was and is bisexual) but nowhere near the point of losing her attraction to women. Orientation _can_ change (or be rediscovered), but it's far from a guarantee.

Honestly? I think it's too soon to worry about what will happen after GRS when she's only just now taking the first steps towards transition. That's like being a woman afraid while she's pregnant that the kid will choose the wrong career. People do think that far ahead, it's hard not to, but things change unexpectedly SO often that there's really no point in obsessing. Maybe she will want sex with a guy; maybe she'll decide that having you buy a strap-on will suffice. Or maybe dilation will be more than enough cramming things up there and she won't want sex with *anybody* for a year!

In the meantime, you deserve a lot of credit for being willing to undertake this journey you likely didn't sign on for - speaking of life throwing curveballs.

I definitely agree about the near-pathological communication!

[cynthialee]

Wow!
This could have been writen by my hersband Sevan a few years ago.
When we got togather we both found out the other had cross gender ideation. The plan had been to live in our birth genders as husband and wife. The fact that we knew the truth about each others true self would be enough because we had love.

Well a number of years after we married I lost it. Completely over the edge gender melt down. It was transition or die for me.
As I started my transition we met some resistance from per family but for the most part we have surmounted those issues.
The biggest chalenge to come from my transition was it was to much for Sevan. Ze saw me becoming whole and happy and ze needed some of that for perself. Within 4 months of me starting HRT Sevan was also in transition. Just in Sevans case it was not FTM but more properly FTAndrogyne. Being on testosterone has masculinized per body without a complete social transition.

Being in a dual transition home has it unique chalenges but we are up to the task.

Our relationship has weathered 2 transitions. I think we can make it.

As you mentioned you had some gender issues I want to warn you that it never truely goes away. It waxes and wanes. Ussually over time it gets worse and worse until it is transition or die. I would suggest that you also get into see a gender therapist and figure it out now.

[confusedconn]

Thank you for the generous feedback.

Mainly was worried if my partner will prefer guy in the future And I can't satisfy him and will affect our relationship.

[cynthialee]

It is not uncomon for a persons sexuality to undergo a shift when they transition.

Myself: I was bisexual with a preferance for men before my transition. Now I am bisexual with a preferance for women.



Lucky for me I have an androgyne spouse! 

[muffinpants]

As you mentioned you had some gender issues I want to warn you that it never truely goes away. It waxes and wanes. Ussually over time it gets worse and worse until it is transition or die. I would suggest that you also get into see a gender therapist and figure it out now.

Yes, I do have gender issues, but I honestly don't think there is anything I could do about it. What bothers me the most I think is being treated as female... I don't mind looking female as long as I don't show too much skin. What is the worst to me is what is between my legs. If I had a choice, I would keep my looks exactly as they are but I would have a penis instead. I think it is just good ol' penis envy I suffer from.

But yeah! If anyone is wondering, my loves mother and father are now informed, and no, the world didn't end! It is nice not having to speak in whispers anymore. <3

[cynthialee]

Like OMG.

Sevan could have wrote much of what you wrote!

Look up Sevan on this forums member list and read through some of per posts.

And yay for being out to your parents!

[grrrlfriend]

Hi, I'm just gonna jump into your party (and late, too!) hope you don't mind -

How did telling the parents go? My partner hasn't started HRT yet - the gatekeeping practices in our area kind of stink, but on the plus side, apparently once she gets in it's all very smooth (just an 18 month waiting list at the outset, sheesh). Her mom and sister already know, but my parents don't, and her kids don't. We probably won't be coming out to my parents until closer to (or maybe after) her initial appointment with the gatekeeper, so I'm just wondering how it went, what you said, etc?

[A little about us: I'm 29, and my orientation is best described as gender-blind; I have a 3 year old son from my previous relationship; my partner is 38 and has 2 kids; we've been together almost 2 years, and my parents have met my partner on a few occasions, though not many, as I'm not super-close with my parents; I anticipate this lack of closeness as making the coming-out thing more awkward than it otherwise would have been.]

[muffinpants]

Hey there It's never too late to join the party!! Let me start by welcoming you. You and your partner are lucky to have each other <3 But let me begin!

With telling my parents.. I haven't completed that yet. When I told my mother, I expected her to be pretty okay with it. All my life she has accused me of being gay and she knew that my love was a crossdresser, she probably picked up on some sort of vibe. When we came out to her, I told her that this is not something you can just make go away, that it is a real thing and the only thing to fix it is to go through with hrt and the likes. Her main concern was that he'd leave me to be with a man. I tried to explain to her that this would not happen, but it wasn't until she saw some documentary about a transwoman and her wife that she felt better about it. My stepfather, on the other hand, thinks I will leave him once he starts changing. I guess he doesn't realize how enamored I am with this whole thing. My dad will be a different story, I'm sure. I'm thinking that I'll just send him a letter and try to explain everything the best I can and then leave it up to him if he wants to maintain contact with us. My sister, who is 16 I think, took it the worst. She was absolutely disgusted that someone could want to do this with themself. I'm going to attribute this to a lack of education and being a superficial, crappy teen. Hopefully she'll grow up.

As for his parents - It seemed to go really well at first. We told his mother and she acted really ashamed that she hadn't seen it earlier and that he felt like he couldn't come out with it to her. Then his mother told his father about a month later and while his father seemed distressed by it, I thought he took it a lot better than expected. Thennnnnnnn the truth came out. Yesterday night they were telling my love that he is a horrible person for wanting this, his father told him it would kill him if he did it. And yada yada yada, lots of hurtful things were said by them, they later apologized and now seem.. reluctantly accepting? Somewhat. Whatever the case, I don't trust it completely. Oh well! The wonderful thing is we have each other to lean on and the ball is rolling.

Hope this helps ya some and I hope it all goes well for you and your partner! Keep us updated

[grrrlfriend]

That sucks about your sister, and about your partner's parents.  I hope they really do come around.

I'm pretty lucky in the sense that my sisters both know, and are both pretty cool with it - my younger sister, 27, has an incurable need to shock people, so my situation appeals to her a great deal. I won't be surprised if she starts dating a woman, trans or cis, before I can come out to my parents just for the sake of being "first", LOL. My older sister is just totally accepting, and seems to think that it's a really big deal that I'm staying with my partner, who I met and fell in love with as a guy. I don't really get what the big deal is, but I'm beginning to see, here and on other forums/resources, that I'm apparently in the minority on that front.

I truly have no idea what to expect from my dad. I have a fairly good idea of how things will go with my mom, so that's not a biggie. My dad, not so much. It's funny; I've been independent from my parents for a good decade or so, emotionally and financially; I'm not desperately seeking their approval or anything, but I'm really apprehensive about telling them all the same. I have a great deal of love and respect for my parents, and if they reject my partner (and by extension, me) because she is transgender, I will lose all of that respect. My apprehension comes more from that than from the idea of rejection itself; what does it say about my ability to judge the character of somebody, if I have spent nigh 30 years loving and respecting somebody who is capable of such bigotry and discrimination?

Ok. Clearly need some sort of caffeine or sugar before I attempt any further posting tonight, as I seem to have reached the point in the evening where I wax philosphical whilst my command of grammar wanes.

[ToriJo]

My heart knows who I love.  My wife's heart knows who she loves.  What I've told my wife, and what she's told me, is that we both want the other to be real and happy.  We're too important to each other to do anything else.

I don't know what it's like to be in love with someone transitioning, but I do know that love often has unique elements and each relationship is beautifully different - and the differences aren't always easy, but it sounds like you personally are accepting and that's particularly beautiful and unselfish and wonderful.  Transitioning can be a life or death issue.  So having some support while going through it must help a lot.

I won't say things will be easy though.  It's a lot of stress for everyone, as not everyone is accepting or understanding.  Your partner is going to likely have horrible things said to you.  They might also be said to you and about you too.  Personally, what people say about me doesn't really bother me - I'm secure in who I am and know I'm getting a good deal in my relationship with my wife.  But seeing her hurt can and does hurt me as well.  There are some horrible people out there.  We dealt with this just today in fact.

I know trans people who have great jobs.  I also know trans people that don't work due to discrimination.  It's not fair, it's not right, it's not just.  And it does anger me.  But as important as employment may be, it's way less important than survival.  And I see transitioning as someone doing what is necessary to save their life.  Their life is vitally important.

I do encourage you and your partner in your partner's transition.  Doing it early, and before other major life changes (like leaving college) often seems to make things easier - less history to try hiding or to be reminded of, a chance to move to a new place so that you aren't constantly reminded of the past by others, less difficult to explain employment history, etc.

All that said, things are getting better, and will continue to get better.  People are learning and getting educated.  And your partner very well might get a great job - I know trans people in the computer field making 6 figures.  I'm glad you're sticking with your partner and listening to love, not others.  One bit of advice for you: take care of yourself too.  That will let you help your partner the best.

[blueconstancy]

If no one minds another "telling the parents" story... mine pretended to be accepting for a while, but insisted on using the birth name and old pronouns. Eventually, my mother told me she was OK with this *if* and only if I was willing to pretend to be divorced from "that freak" and let her tell all her friends that. (My sister, on the other hand, thinks it's great. She's kind of a weird kid. But sweet, and she made a point of using the name/pronouns immediately, even to my parents.)

I haven't spoken to my mother since. We'd had a difficult relationship even before that, though, and this was the last straw. (She was emotionally abusive, for one thing.) I hear she is in fact telling her friends her version of the story, and that most of them think she's nuts because they know the truth.

My wife's parents were 100% loving and supportive, however, and that came as something more of a shock than mine rejecting her! So in the end, while this sounds like a terrible outcome, I don't want to scare anyone - there was a lot of backstory that means neither of us were particularly surprised or hurt that it went poorly with my parents, and in general the biggest thing we learned was that a lot of people will *pleasantly* surprise you.