Emotions are all over the place during this last week. And to make things worse, I'm just f-ing lonely. A lot of the emotional stress is related to how I interact personally. I meet people and have short discussion at the market or at a relatives home, but I have so few friends and relatives that I can talk to comfortably that I rarely see someone I want to talk to. Business and work setting were always easy to deal with, but I'm so personally awkward and inadequate that I ultimately find ways to avoid contact all together. Except for a couple years in high school, and while in college, I've always been horribly uneasy and nervous outside of work or business, either one-on-one, or in groups. And since that changes my perception of how people view me, it just makes me feel ignored or shunned. And being a hermit isn't all it's cracked up to be.
As I was driving to a beach on Lake Superior today I started thinking about how that beach used to be one of my hiding places forty years ago when I felt lonely. I realized what was going on inside, and how lonely I felt today. That's when the emotional roller coaster hit, and it brought on the tears. And after the crying began I started thinking about my son again and hoping he never has to go through life like this. Then it really started pouring, and the crying continued off-and-on all the way to the lake. After collecting some rocks along the beach the emotions calmed down, and I just relaxed listening to the waves. The beach was empty, and I was peaceful again. Funny how I can still use that place to escape.
This is the sort of stuff I hate to tell my therapist, but no matter how much people try to cover up, the therapists can always tell there's trouble behind the smile. And if it leads to loosing the HRT it will devastate me. Maybe I need to stop posting on Susan's again since I'm such an emotional mess, and because I come across as an idiotic dolt more often than not. I'm also afraid I using Susan's as an emotional drain that wasn't available for six weeks when I secluded myself in work. And things kind of felt good for those six weeks.
If you actually read all this then thank for putting up with my crap again. I really am sorry that I have to spill this boring emotional drivel. I guess it would be a lie to say I don't care if anyone reads it, but it just helps to unload. I'm not depressed and I don't want to end it all (so to speak). Just alone, lonely and sad.
Kathy
