poem 033: Time to Show Codependence the Door

[MadelineB]

Time to Show Codependence the Door

trouble is brewing
my gut churns
She wants
independence
a bank account of her own
(while mine remains hers)
sure she'll contribute something
but I must continue to contribute
everything
and expect nothing in return
or must I?
when yours is yours
and mine is yours
and everything of mine is yours to give away
have i already given away too much for too long?
related young thieves are coming over now
to use the van / to use my earnings
to use me
and to walk out the door with the things that i have
i will be had again
limits strewn on the floor and walked on
She
opens the door
and I'm afraid not to let her
I cringe when I want to speak out
I can play out the hundred hurtful things that will pour out
if I oppose.
I cringe because I can't take that,
but I no longer can take this.

I will be surprised if our marriage survives
but I'm taking it off life support
starting today
it will breathe on its own and thrive
or it will not
I will fight to make it right
but I will not shrive my soul
I will not tolerate
that which should not be tolerated
any more

I now will give as I am given
not as I have always given
I will come back from all the way
to stand at the middle
offering a hand or sometimes two
to help her meet me there
and she will
or she will not

trouble is here,
but so am I
and I'm not going away
ever again

what I want
matters for the first time
what I want
may happen or it may not
but now it stands a chance
to become

Journaled: 7/27/2012
Lived: ever since then
Copyright 2012, MadelineB

[Dawn Heart]

OMG!! This describes my situation perfectly! Really hits home, and speaks very clearly! Thank you for this wonderful expression, for sharing a piece of what your life is like. I can really appreciate this.

[MadelineB]

OMG!! This describes my situation perfectly! Really hits home, and speaks very clearly! Thank you for this wonderful expression, for sharing a piece of what your life is like. I can really appreciate this.

Thank you Dawn! Our relationships have to transition as we do or fall apart, but at least for me the gender thing isn't the biggest piece of the relationship and life transitions. Finally learning to be 100% present, in all of my emotions, fears, needs, and humanity, is the big one (and gender expression and gender identity come out of that). I have to practice every day.
For the people in our lives, finally getting to see and know all of us, as full, real, vibrant people, is the one compensation they get for deciding to stay around for the wild ride. I thought I was being kind and considerate and patient and self-sacrificing and loyal and blah blah blah, but I was also trying to control the people I love so they wouldn't leave me or want to hurt me or really see how messed up I am. Letting go of that need to control, and the habits attached to it, are an ongoing part of my path now. As I take back my power that I ceded long ago, I am also trying to be conscious to give others their power back too and the responsibility that goes with it.