Hating my gender to the point of desperation

[Zoidberg]

I am at the end of my rope with this whole androgyny thing. I'm sick of not being able to find a stable gender presentation that fits me. I'm constantly stressing because right after I finally scheduled an appointment with the endo after three years of therapy, I started questioning my gender again. I'm heavy hearted and I feel physically worn down from all the sorrow and worry. Every day is a burden and my weekly therapy appointments aren't enough. I don't know what to do any more and I'm scared.
Somebody please help me.

[ativan]

Be who you are. Don't worry about what or where your gender is.
It will be there, on it's own.
Be yourself, be male, be female, be Androgyn if that is you.
You can be all of these things.
There are no hard fast rules. We are who we are, and it's a diverse group of people.
But none of it is truly you if you let yourself be dictated by what you think your gender should be.
Be yourself, your gender will show itself, the more you are,... you know,... you.
In other words, let your gender find you. It will.
Be your real self, your real gender will become apparent.
There are those who are here for you.
Some of us have been there, we care.

Ativan

[Zoidberg]

I try to be myself, but I just don't know who that is anymore. I thought I knew and suddenly it's all changing. It is such a a scary place to be at in my life. How do I find out who I am again? I don't know the real me at all and I'm lost.

[ativan]

Let it be.
Sometimes it takes awhile to sort things out.
They will. I've gone through it plenty of times.
Once was really bad, I didn't want to live like how I was feeling, but it worked out OK.
I question myself and what I'm doing genderwise almost everyday.
But everyday that passes by, I grow more confident in myself.
I just go by non-binary, because I really don't know for sure if I could narrow that down.
I am, and it's OK. I know this sounds like a 'thing will get better' speech.
It's not. There will be times that are hard and painful. Confusion, it happens.
I wonder if I'm really me sometimes. But I am. Who else could I be?
It's like a storm, but it will pass. Just give it that chance. It will work out.
It took me several months after I was approved for HRT before I decided I would, and pretty quickly moved to low dose.
If you have any doubts, that is the most important thing you need to take care of.
Whatever you decide, it will be you. Who else would you be?
Nice thing about it all,... You can always change your mind.
You are always allowed to do that. Let yourself be, stop pounding on your mind.
Stop the noise, the best way you can, the way that is you.
Let it be.

Ativan

[Pica Pica]

I try to be myself,

Trying may be the problem. Maybe it's best to get outside of yourself, have some sort of project, preferably with other people and see what happens.

[justmeinoz]

I have become something of a fan of Kate Bornstein, author of "Gender Outlaw", "My Gender Workbook" and heaps of others. 
At on point in the Workbook she asks ,"what is the most important part of a cup?"  Answer is, the bit in the middle with nothing in it.  So what is wrong with doing away with the concept of "Gender" altogether?  'Nothing' is a concept that is regarded  highly by mathematicians, philosophers and Buddhists.
The social arrangements we have now are a product of the 18th Century. Before that the concept was very different.  Gender was based on your position and status in society. I now regard Gender as role based, something I do, and I can put on and take off multiple genders in a day.
Genderfluid is a perfectly acceptable self-description in my book.  What the rest of society sees is their business.  Having had "society" not give a damn about me for 55 years I don't care what it thinks quite frankly.  I do what I want, and that's it.  If I want to look like a Butch Dyke-on-a-bike, or a Femme-about-town, I just do it.
Just do living I'd say, and see what comes up.

Karen.

[Metroland]

I am sorry troyboi you are feeling that way.  It seems that you are having trouble trying to find that gender.  Maybe it is not very mainstream.  It took a while for me to find my gender (or lack thereof) which is non-binary and I attribute that to visiting this place a long time.  I am born with a penis (and raging testosterone I think) and then I realized once that I really wanted to get rid of my penis.  I don't know why. Come to think of it I don't know why until now I haven't worked through this issue, it has been a while.  I never gave it much though to visit the androgyn forum because I am not androgyn but it is the closest I could find to my gender.  Maybe there are places that you have not visited on this website that actually hold the key to your identity.  Gender identity might come in different names so maybe you need to explore beyond the labels to find that special identity.

As for therapy, I don't think that it is working.  If after 3 years you find out that you might have not have really gotten where you wanted to be then the therapist really didn't help you all that much in that period.  I know how difficult it is to find a different therapist and how each therapist could be specialized in a different thing, but overall I think that this therapist is not really giving you what you really want.  I suggest that you start shopping very hard for a different therapist.

Visiting this website might help you work through this period until you gain back the energy to find what you want.

[androgynoid]

I am at the end of my rope with this whole androgyny thing. I'm sick of not being able to find a stable gender presentation that fits me. I'm constantly stressing because right after I finally scheduled an appointment with the endo after three years of therapy, I started questioning my gender again. I'm heavy hearted and I feel physically worn down from all the sorrow and worry. Every day is a burden and my weekly therapy appointments aren't enough. I don't know what to do any more and I'm scared.
Somebody please help me.

Who said your presentation had to be stable? Just present how you feel comfortable, and if that changes week to week or day to day, that's perfectly okay.

It's okay if your gender isn't what you originally thought. You may or may not find a word or label that suits you, and either way is okay, as long as you're comfortable with how it turns out. There are plenty of people who identify as 'just me.'

What helped me was to focus on my physical body and what I wanted it to be. I shut the what-will-people-think's out of my mind and thought about what I wanted to have at the end of the day when I got undressed. That happened to be a similar body to what I had, but without breasts. I had top surgery based on that decision. I thought a little about the social implications of looking like a woman and not having breasts, but at the end of the day, me being comfortable with myself is more important than other people being comfortable with me.

I try to be myself, but I just don't know who that is anymore. I thought I knew and suddenly it's all changing. It is such a a scary place to be at in my life. How do I find out who I am again? I don't know the real me at all and I'm lost.

Don't try so hard. It's really hard, but just be. When you get overwhelmed, think about something else, distract yourself. Do something that you like to do, because that's as much a part of who you are as your gender is.

[Noah]

You need to stop measuring yourself against anything, you are who you are. I understand not knowing what that means right now, but please know that you will. Just allow yourself the space to be true. Labels are dangerous. Don't look to labels to explai your soul. I get that this has been a long process, but it takes a slong as it takes. You will be ok.