Dealing with rejection

[Valerie Elizabeth]

Its been a while since I posted here. Probably at least a year.

Recently, I was rejected by a guy because I am trans. I'm post op and have been for a a couple years. I've dated on and off and haven't actually had this issue yet. I was a little surprised by that fact. Every guy I've dated has been ok with it until this one.

I'm not exactly sure why I feel so crummy. I've been rejected before, but never for being trans. I've always expected it to happen, but now that it has I don't know how to process it.

Any advice?

[caitlin_adams]

I'm really sorry to hear that you were rejected purely out of prejudice and not on the basis of who you actually are. That really sucks.

I wish I had something more positive to write but if you've been rejected simply on the basis of your past (and you're absolutely gorgeous) I can't help but wonder what hope I and anyone else transitioning later in life with a heavily emasculated appearance has of finding a partner.

My only advice would be not to get bogged down worrying about it. Undoubtedly it sucks, I'm not trying to diminish that, but I guess it's a result of the fact that some people carry prejudice. Like you said it's never happened before so it's not as if every guy is going to take the same approach. It's part of the unfairly high price people pay to have gender incongruence corrected.

Again, I'm really sorry because that really sucks

[Julie Wilson]

Its been a while since I posted here. Probably at least a year.

Recently, I was rejected by a guy because I am trans. ...

Did he give you any specifics like pointing to wanting to have children, religious beliefs, fear that you would shame him if it ever came out?

The one thing I have finally realized is that most often guys who would reject someone based on the fact that they transitioned, when for every other reason they wanted to be with you and found you entirely acceptable...  Those guys are beneath me and don't deserve someone like me anyway.  Most often they are very insecure about their "masculinity" and I suspect that most of them are indeed closeted homosexuals who worry that your influence on them will cause them to become gay.

The reality is they are already gay and fleeing themselves at every turn.  And you don't want a guy like that.  They always blame other people for things they can't or won't take responsibility for.  They are probably going to spend their lives unhappily trying to be something they aren't (straight).  Feel sad for them if anything but better to be happy and enjoy your life.

They will probably never be able to be like you.  You are a self-actualized person who has overcome her fears and done the impossible.  Find someone who is more your equal.

[Julie Wilson]

I don't tell guys I date I transitioned.  If you get extremely bored you can dig up some of my posts on the topic.  I advocate not telling and instead more honestly 'being'.  Because telling implies marriage to the past.  Telling implies that (what you are not) is still important to you and importance implies attachment. Or in other words we have to tell men that we used to be men because we still are.  Being a man or a woman is an experience, we aren't objects, we aren't chromosomes... We are awareness.

What comes out of our mouths (a confession) is part of our experience.  Our experience is who we are.  What comes out of our mouths is part of who we are.  If you don't want to be a thing stop representing it with your experience.  (Just a quick run-down of my philosophy or rather personal magic).

The bare bolts of it is if a man rejects a woman because she transitioned it is because he considers her a man.  The best way to avoid being seen as a man is to avoid confessing to something that will cause him to see her as a man.  I have been in situations where other people told guys I was intimate with that I was really just a man.  I resolved to only say things a natural born woman would say or rather to avoid saying anything that would be considered evidence that I was really just a man.

No matter who you date, if they are allowed to get to know you as a woman and more importantly if you never confess to anything else then (in my experience) the past doesn't matter because you aren't allowing it to have the power.  Keep your power in the present (is my suggestion).  I realize not everyone can use this advice and really it's a small group of those who transition who can or will use it.  But I am not trying to win the popularity contest, I am just sharing my experiences and what I have learned with people in similar situations.  Those people have to determine who they are because I can't.  I'm just that lady who types too much.

[GendrKweer]

Well, you should look at it this way: it is a handy-dandy filtering mechanism for your potential partners. Meaning, only those who are secure enough with themselves, who have open minds and hearts, who are comfortable with you and gender and themselves as human beings, get through the filter of knowing that you are trans. Anyone who would reject you for this aspect of who you are does not deserve to be with you in the first place. Amirite?? Kinda like my filter of only being able to be friends with people who love garlic..... 

[Valerie Elizabeth]

Did he give you any specifics like pointing to wanting to have children, religious beliefs, fear that you would shame him if it ever came out?

His words were something along the lines of, "Sorry, but I'm not looking for a trans person." I didn't really press.  Truthfully, I'm not really interested in children myself, except for adoption.

Because telling implies marriage to the past.  Telling implies that (what you are not) is still important to you and importance implies attachment. Or in other words we have to tell men that we used to be men because we still are. 

I don't know that I agree that.  I get what you are saying, but I don't know that I feel it to be true.  I've battled long and hard with the decision about revealing my past.  I don't want to call it lying by not telling them, but it's hard to avoid. 

Why are there no pictures of you before college in your house (or parents house, or facebook)? Shoot, I used to run into people that knew me from before I transitioned at bars that I wasn't friends with (before I moved far away).  I've had friends accidentally let it slip (truly an accident).  I had a sexual partner clock me because of my scars, but he was ok with it (thankfully).


I guess since it was the first time it happened to me, it was a little shocking. I guess I became a little distanced from reality. I lived in a world where nobody seemed to care, and when reality showed up I reeled.

[Julie Wilson]

Why are there no pictures of you before college in your house (or parents house, or facebook)? Shoot, I used to run into people that knew me from before I transitioned at bars that I wasn't friends with (before I moved far away).  I've had friends accidentally let it slip (truly an accident).  I had a sexual partner clock me because of my scars, but he was ok with it (thankfully).

My personal experience is no one ever asks for or about photos unless they already heard something or have other reason to suspect something.  The same is true for SRS scars as long as you have average or better results.  Even before I had my Bower's results fixed by Dr. Chettawut partners were never critical of my vagina.  I did have a customer who was but my results were awful before my revision (and it's more likely than not that he heard I was really just a man) from one of my nasty coworkers. 

Most guys don't really understand the anatomy of the vagina and can't tell a scar from a crease or a stretch mark.  And I have seen natal females who looked like they had SRS scars, probably because surgeons try to put scars in areas that tend to fold or crease. 

What you tell people about yourself is your decision.  I just know that in my experience telling people I transitioned causes them to be unable to know the true me so I don't.  But whatever you decide to tell someone is right thing to tell them as long as you feel good about it.

Facebook is spyware.

[cindianna_jones]

There's not much to say except that I am impressed with your honesty. Think of it this way. Many girls are rejected for many reasons. Some are to heavy or have the wrong color of skin. This is just another wrinkle that WE have to deal with. There are men who will not have an issue with it.  They are golden.

You mention that your previous BF's knew but this wasn't an issue with them. Are you sure? They may not have wanted to say anything.

In any case, live your life as if you don't need them. Plan for that. You never know.... one might fall right into your lap.

Chin up.
Cindi

[Valerie Elizabeth]

There's not much to say except that I am impressed with your honesty. Think of it this way. Many girls are rejected for many reasons. Some are to heavy or have the wrong color of skin. This is just another wrinkle that WE have to deal with. There are men who will not have an issue with it.  They are golden.

You mention that your previous BF's knew but this wasn't an issue with them. Are you sure? They may not have wanted to say anything.

In any case, live your life as if you don't need them. Plan for that. You never know.... one might fall right into your lap.

Chin up.
Cindi

That's a good way to look at it. I will let that rattle around for a while.

Concerning the previous "lover", as I wouldn't call him a boyfriend.  That was a messy complicated relationship. In any case, we talked about it because he brought it up. We saw each other quite frequently after that, and it continued until I left the state.

My personal experience is no one ever asks for or about photos unless they already heard something or have other reason to suspect something.  The same is true for SRS scars as long as you have average or better results.

I have had people ask about photos.  Like I said, I had a guy ask about scars too. Maybe it's an exception, but it's hard to get out of my head.

[justmeinoz]

Just one more dud you sifted out nice and early.  Obviously not able to appreciate your fine qualities, so good riddance I say.

[Sephirah]

Any advice?

People have all different kinds of hang-ups, like Cindi said. So this one didn't work out - do what thousands of other women do. Break out the expensive ice cream, indulge yourself for a little while, then get back to looking for Mr Right and hoping the next one will be different.

[JennX]

Any advice?

Move on. Don't dwell on it. Plenty of other guys out there. I've had it happen too. At first you're like WTF? But, you'll get over it. Better off knowing his beliefs & feelings now, then waiting until 6 months in to the relationship.

[Kevin Peña]

Just ask yourself how you feel about someone like that who would discriminate against you. Do you really feel he's worth any thought?

PS--> If that's you in your avatar, Valerie --> Oh my stars, you're so pretty!

[Julie Wilson]

I have had people ask about photos.  Like I said, I had a guy ask about scars too. Maybe it's an exception, but it's hard to get out of my head.

I didn't say that people never ask for photos or about scars, I said that when they do it is because they already heard or suspected something.  Were you living around the same area where you transitioned during these experiences?  How is your voice? Do many people know you transitioned?

People ask all kinds of weird things when there are rumors circulating.

[yasuko14]

I wouldn't worry about it, there are so many great guys out there and I suppose you just have to search around for them. I always thought that being a natal girl would be horrible, there are soo many men and also in the sense that you never could tell how much a guy loved you or if he honestly did.

If you must be honest with them id say timing is the most important thing here. Give him time to fall for you and show him your an amazing human being and that it out weighs your past. "I don't care because I've already fallen for you" like that. hehehe

Don't wait too long but don't reveal it to soon. And as for like crazy masculine reactions or horrible results upon hearing the truth, Im sure you can get a feel for this guy before you tell him. I mean, you wouldn't honestly go for a hyper masculine close minded guy and think its a good idea to tell him something like that

[DawnL]

Everyone is skipping around the issue here.

Regardless of how we view the world, some people will never see us as women (mtf) or men (ftm).  That apparent rejection does not make them bad, stupid, or worthless.  There is a double standard working here when we reject those who reject us as unworthy.  We know nothing of the person who found he couldn't date Valerie Elizabeth but he may be a wonderful person.  We don't don't know and we shouldn't make assumptions about it. 

I've dated and it has gone both ways.  I can't say I like rejection but I've also come to understand that some men won't date a woman like me and that's okay too.

[Valerie Elizabeth]

Thanks for all the feedback, I appreciate it. It certainly helped me feel better. I'm better today. Normally I don't let this kinda stuff get to me. I will press on. A Djarum Black certainly helped ease my pain. I never smoke, but it came to mind, picked up a pack and that seemed to have helped as well.

I moved to colorado a couple weeks ago, so I am new to the area. I will try and find some places where I can meet some guys.

[justmeinoz]

There are a couple of exchange students from Colorado in my Gender Studies class, and if what they say about the place is true you have moved somewhere nice. 
Of course if you decide to jump the fence to the girl's side, you can always move to Tasmania.

Karen.

[Julie Wilson]

What DawnL said, like her I am looking at the bigger picture.  If we don't believe in ourselves how can we expect others to.  There was another thread about, "Can you trust your best friend?"  In my opinion trans women need to learn to be their own best friends before they can even begin to have "friends"...  Can you trust you is the grander question. Do you believe in you?  If you are the woman you profess to be (rhetorical questions all to anyone and everyone) then how come you don't just get on with being one and get over this trans thing that could have been a means to an end?

Because it seems scary, that's why.  My experience is it's only scary when it's a meaningless hypothetical but in actual practice it tends to be fulfilling, not scary. Still it has to be done right and certainly isn't for everyone but it's not as hard as it sounds and does not even require "stealth".

But back to the discussion...

Do you feel like you have to have a man?  On the one hand I am tempted to feel envious but on the other hand I am comfortable just being me.  I know a lot of women need to be with men in order to feel fulfilled and I am asking because I am in a similar situation, I am just starting out with a new guy and I'm not sure if I really want a relationship right now, under my current situation of living in a place where some people know I transitioned.  Not sure I want to deal with that small town dynamic.

[Valerie Elizabeth]

I don't tell guys I date I transitioned.  If you get extremely bored you can dig up some of my posts on the topic.  I advocate not telling and instead more honestly 'being'.  Because telling implies marriage to the past.  Telling implies that (what you are not) is still important to you and importance implies attachment. Or in other words we have to tell men that we used to be men because we still are.

I haven't been able to get this out of my head.  It is almost as if I were ignoring this because I didn't want it to be true.  This really kinda hit me right in the solar plexus, and knocked the wind right out of me.  I had never considered it like this before, and now that I've thought about it, I can't not see it this way.

I guess I wanted to say thanks for making me think about the hard truths.  I went on kind of a longish drive in the early early AM, and thought this through.  I think this was (and kind of still is) the last hurdle for me to get over.  I had never considered that I had some sort of attachment to that part of my life, but I guess I really did.  Now that I am aware of it, I can move past it.