hello!
this article was posted on the MSN site, and i thought it was cute! i am posting it here just to share!
(if anyone is offended by the phrases "pubic hair" and "hard-on" or the words "clitoris" ,"balls", or "ass" or things that insinuate sex you should probably not read it...)
Sela Ward
1. Remember in old movies when women used to swoon and "take to the bed" for days at a time? That never happens. We're stronger than that. That being said, if we ever decide to "take to the bed" for days at a time, there's not a thing you can do about it.
2. Sometimes we think we really understand men. Then we regain consciousness.
3. Superskinny women really irritate us. We hate when they say, "Sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my anniversary and where I parked my car. But I've never forgotten to eat.
4. We do like to have sex, just not at midnight when we have to get up at the crack of dawn to feed two kids, three dogs, and a pair of fat goldfish.
5. We'll gladly agree to stop complaining about our "time of the month" if men will kindly take over the little chores of childbearing, morning sickness, and postpartum emotional swings. Deal?
6. Women really do want to be on time. It's just that everything starts so darned early.
7. We know high heels are sexy, but we'll take our comfy black Uggs any day of the week.
8. Homespun wisdom from someone who knows: Just because we're southern belles doesn't mean we have bats in our belfries.
9. We really do like to cook. It's just that we cooked so much for our boyfriends before we got married that we're sick of being in the kitchen. Sorry you missed it.
10. Men are free to think they're the boss, as long as they know we're the chairman of the board.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
1. We know what you're doing when you put your hand in your pocket.
2. We think it's okay if you get fat and go bald. Please do us the same courtesy.
3. When we say we "almost tried that in college," it means we did. At least twice.
4. When we start getting undressed in front of you with the lights on, it means we've lost interest.
5. No, that is not our clitoris, but please -- keep trying.
6. If you're funny, we will sleep with you.
7. Your Christopher Walken impression does nothing for us sexually.
8. Of course we know how to work the TiVo. We're not stupid.
9. We know: You just push the Select button and then the Play button.
10. Yes, that's the Play button. We can read. Oh, no, sorry, that's the Input button. Forget it. This is impossible. You do it.
Alyssa Milano
1. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.
2. Women produce half the world's food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we're fine with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.
3. Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.
4. Women remember everything . Don't believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won't tell you it was at a party. She'll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy's pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what's up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?")
5. An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.
6. No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead. (She may even quietly fantasize about turning her eyelash curler against you.) You have two options: Tie yourself to a tree and wait out the storm, or stock up at Tiffany's, toss a blue box or two into the wind, and hope for the best. We recommend the latter. (The key chain doesn't count.)
7. We think it's weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.
8. "Hey, Melissa, who's the boss?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Phoebe, where'd you park your broomstick?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Alyssa, you look 250 pounds lighter than Brian Dennehy in that dress." Surprisingly good pickup line.
9. Women hear better than men. That's before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one first because I'm sure I've lost you by now.
10. You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You're welcome.
Regina Hall
1. Size over stamina.
2. Crying and saying you're sorry for calling us Halle Berry during sex still doesn't make it okay.
3. We really do believe your mother is the reason for your inability to commit.
4. With that in mind, five minutes with your mother and the loose ends come together.
5. We can't have sex without expecting a call from you the next day.
6. We never notice the Brad Pitt look-alike sitting alone at table 2 wearing the black shirt and sporting the rugged two-day stubble. He didn't even cross our minds.
7. If it's been five years since you bothered to call and I'm taking island vacations with George Clooney, good luck getting me back.
8. You may consider a root canal less painful, but this much is true, no matter the woman: We sincerely want to talk about how you feel.
9. Under the right circumstances, like after you surprise us with a foot massage, we are willing to consider your newfound beer belly a sexy addition.
10. Looks don't matter. That much.
Dana Delany
1. A private plane will not make up for the fact that you have bad breath.
2. Text messaging is for children and people who are having affairs. Don't be either.
3. If you just listen and let her cry, it will lead to deep, wet, soulful sex. If you like that kind of thing.
4. Never wear cologne. We love a clean smell. Plus, it interferes with the Cheval Blanc '64.
5. We like younger men for the same reasons you like younger women: stamina and skin.
6. There are two spots on women that need to be touched more: the back of the neck and the lower back. Fireworks.
7. There's something about a man who is a good driver: calm, good reflexes, knows where he's going, gets in and out of situations gracefully, knows when to speed up and slow down. Invariably, he's good in bed. Does this mean the Teamsters are great lovers? Hmm...note to self.
8. You know that thing about men being hunters? We don't buy that as an excuse to screw around.
9. Never send red roses. That's such a cliché. A simple wildflower will get you where you want to be.
10. Don't try to figure us out. We don't even understand ourselves. Just think of us as a complex carbohydrate that's good for you.
11. We need you. Because a vibrating piece of plastic can't kiss.
Courteney Cox
1. Pull your pants up. You're not 15, you're not a rapper, and we need to see the shape of your ass.
2. Pull your pants down. You're not 85, you're not an accountant, and we don't need to see the shape of your balls.
3. Breasts are not a speed bump to the promised land.
4. Yes, we want you to be more verbal. No, burping doesn't count.
5. Kissing is something that you need to stay engaged in, even if all the blood is rushing out of your head and into other parts of your body.
6. Speaking of which, though it might make for a cool carnival sideshow, our entire face will not fit inside your mouth, and thus this makes for lousy kissing.
7. If we're crying and you're holding us and get a hard-on, we automatically deduct points.
8. And getting a boner while we're sleeping next to you is not an excuse to wake us up. This is not what they mean by serendipity.
9. We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it.
10. You don't get a vote in the preferred shape of our pubic hair. Until you've had hot wax poured all over your crotch, you're merely a passenger on that flight.
