Some of my thoughts

[ZoeNicole]

Heres just some stuff I wrote in the last year during different states of mind. Wanted to post it here so its not just something I keep to myself.

Positive

Life is like a raging river, some people go with the flow, others are pulled under and a few fight the currents and head for the shore.

Those who make it ashore, leave paths for others to follow, lighthouses that warn of the rocks, signs of a new way of life cut into the earth, Hidden amongst the forest the lesser trails remain, where only the adventurous and fearless dare tread.

Life is uncertain, but one truth remains. We decide where we wander and whether we are alone on our way to our shore.


Negative
Between truth and lies I stand shackeled by the demands of society. Each step I take inches me closer to the freedom I desire. A tightrope walk before the masses, the darkness comes. Slowly drowning me in its wake. I reach out but I am so alone. No one follows my path, it is one only I can take. To push on I must first overcome my own demons. They are stronger than me as they are with me always, waiting for my hour of need.

The more I head towards the light, the greater hold the darkness has over me. On one hand salvation, on the other damnation, both linked to my state of mind. Life is of my choosing, but society condemns my choice for happiness. Life is precious but mine is a hindrance to those who are as society demands.

Pain is the order of the day, a manifestation of hopes lost to the cries of its impossible, What will they think of me and I am afraid. Slowly I return to my dark corner where there is only nothingness and despair.

[MadelineB]

Life is uncertain, but one truth remains. We decide where we wander and whether we are alone on our way to our shore.
....
I reach out but I am so alone. No one follows my path, it is one only I can take. To push on I must first overcome my own demons. They are stronger than me as they are with me always, waiting for my hour of need.

The more I head towards the light, the greater hold the darkness has over me. On one hand salvation, on the other damnation, both linked to my state of mind....

Pain is the order of the day, a manifestation of hopes lost to the cries of its impossible, What will they think of me and I am afraid. Slowly I return to my dark corner where there is only nothingness and despair.

Thank you for sharing, Zoe. Some great writing.

The thing I've found about my demons is that they are me, so there power is my power and I'm pretty unstoppable if I put a life ring on them and make them tow me to shore.

[ZoeNicole]

A letter to a friend

Everytime I try tell you something that matters, thats more than just a fleeting fancy, I find that I am hesitant. With each piece of the puzzle I give out you respond not in kind but rather with alienation. Making me feel that I am broken and incomplete. This alienation is strange as I did not feel it in my darkest hours but only now as I approach the dawn. A strangeness that I do not like, the feeling that the I am not welcome and need to be fixed. I shrug it off as best I can but with each new encounter this feeling persists, I am not whole, I never can be. As I seek to complete myself I find that alone I cannot do this, but with you I find that the pieces don't fit and the puzzle makes no sense. I am not alone but with people that will never understand, the loneliness will always be there.

[MadelineB]

A letter to a friend

Everytime I try tell you something that matters, thats more than just a fleeting fancy, I find that I am hesitant. With each piece of the puzzle I give out you respond not in kind but rather with alienation. Making me feel that I am broken and incomplete. This alienation is strange as I did not feel it in my darkest hours but only now as I approach the dawn. A strangeness that I do not like, the feeling that the I am not welcome and need to be fixed. I shrug it off as best I can but with each new encounter this feeling persists, I am not whole, I never can be. As I seek to complete myself I find that alone I cannot do this, but with you I find that the pieces don't fit and the puzzle makes no sense. I am not alone but with people that will never understand, the loneliness will always be there.

I have felt that way as well ZoeNicole.

To people who see me as broken by life, I will always be the thing that breaks - again and again.
To people who see me as a flawed cup, I will always be a collection of cracks and chips - their holey grail.
To people who see me as a growing plant, I will always be turning over a new leaf, continually blossoming.
To people who see me as a living girl, I will become the woman I was meant to be, that we may celebrate together. -Maddie

[ZoeNicole]

Its been a really hard week, so this is probably not something you should read if you have been having a bad week either.

The cruelty of existence

As each moment passes I tremble, my body weak from my minds pain. Crying in bursts provides little relief as each moment adds to my broken shell. Each happy memory only makes the pain more real and unbearable. Natures cruelty gave me a body damaged and hideous to my own eyes. An abomination unto myself I spend my days trying to hide myself. Ventures out of this routine only strengthen the pain felt when those around me discover my hidden self.

Moments of joy followed by a lifetime of misery. My own mind conspires against me hourly reminding me of just how broken I am. An empty life made hollow by fear of what would happen to me. The bitter irony being that I have done more to myself than anyone else could stopping shy of the sweet release of ending it myself. A cowardly act clinging to a life so meaningless and painful. I look back and curse my birth.

What reason could I be here but for the amusement of others, my own feelings often incorrect or unworthy of being acknowledged. From the moment of birth to the one day sweet release of death I thrash pointlessly against my fate. Trying to carve out some semblance of happiness I leave pieces of myself behind, broken and discarded, once important parts of me. Now nothing more than dead weight.

Darkness lingers in my mind constantly.A reminder that what once was innocent and pure is no longer with me. Discarded as I cling to the darkness hiding myself from myself.

[MadelineB]

Its been a really hard week, so this is probably not something you should read if you have been having a bad week either.

The cruelty of existence

As each moment passes I tremble, my body weak from my minds pain. Crying in bursts provides little relief as each moment adds to my broken shell. Each happy memory only makes the pain more real and unbearable. Natures cruelty gave me a body damaged and hideous to my own eyes. An abomination unto myself I spend my days trying to hide myself. Ventures out of this routine only strengthen the pain felt when those around me discover my hidden self.

Moments of joy followed by a lifetime of misery. My own mind conspires against me hourly reminding me of just how broken I am. An empty life made hollow by fear of what would happen to me. The bitter irony being that I have done more to myself than anyone else could stopping shy of the sweet release of ending it myself. A cowardly act clinging to a life so meaningless and painful. I look back and curse my birth.

What reason could I be here but for the amusement of others, my own feelings often incorrect or unworthy of being acknowledged. From the moment of birth to the one day sweet release of death I thrash pointlessly against my fate. Trying to carve out some semblance of happiness I leave pieces of myself behind, broken and discarded, once important parts of me. Now nothing more than dead weight.

Darkness lingers in my mind constantly.A reminder that what once was innocent and pure is no longer with me. Discarded as I cling to the darkness hiding myself from myself.

I enjoyed this new piece of writing, ZoeNicole. It resonated closely enough with times when I felt the same way, that I laughed out loud (not at the writing, profoundly expressive, but) at the difference of not that long ago, and now. It is a regular pattern in my life that these most dark times, when I can see no light and no way forward, proceed the new phases of awesome growth in my life; almost like a plant or tree going through the seasons, and parts of me that were once essential drop off and die, and I can't see anything but the cold dark, but when I am ready to give up, BAM spring comes and new growth goes shooting out in joyous ways.

I hope you get through this dark period as well or better than you have the previous ones, and you soon see the bright days that also belong to you, which you are just getting ready for. *hugs*

[ZoeNicole]

I'm sure I will, I take care of myself despite not wanting to. Sort of at a point now where I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I have never really given any thought to my future up until december where I met someone. For the first time in my life what I wanted was clear and made perfect sense. With that gone I am back to where I was, completely uncertain about the future, just going through the motions. I really need to try live a little and figure out what makes me happy. Not being alone is a big part of that puzzle, but I won't be able to change that where I live. I need to figure out where in the world I want to live and how exactly I am going to make that happen.

[MadelineB]

I'm sure I will, I take care of myself despite not wanting to. Sort of at a point now where I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I have never really given any thought to my future up until december where I met someone. For the first time in my life what I wanted was clear and made perfect sense. With that gone I am back to where I was, completely uncertain about the future, just going through the motions. I really need to try live a little and figure out what makes me happy. Not being alone is a big part of that puzzle, but I won't be able to change that where I live. I need to figure out where in the world I want to live and how exactly I am going to make that happen.

That sounds like the seeds of a good plan. Live life and see what brings your soul alive. Then more of that! Living in the right place(s) for you can really make a big difference too.

[ZoeNicole]

Caged

Everyday searching for the freedom to be who we are, we find ourselves caged on display our wings clipped. Having never known the wild fighting reason with instinct, one demanding freedom the other accepting fate.

The burden of what we are compells us to seek freedom. Finding moments of joy as we take flight, awkwardly crashing back down as our wings are clipped once more and the cage closes around us.

Dreams of flight keep us fighting for this freedom, fear often impeding progress. Flapping against our captors. For those who break free new heights are found as they are free to be what they were born to be. Beautiful and elegant.

[CalmRage]

Caged

Everyday searching for the freedom to be who we are, we find ourselves caged on display our wings clipped. Having never known the wild fighting reason with instinct, one demanding freedom the other accepting fate.

The burden of what we are compells us to seek freedom. Finding moments of joy as we take flight, awkwardly crashing back down as our wings are clipped once more and the cage closes around us.

Dreams of flight keep us fighting for this freedom, fear often impeding progress. Flapping against our captors. For those who break free new heights are found as they are free to be what they were born to be. Beautiful and elegant.

Beautiful. Your words really hit home with me and i'm still confused at times but absolutely sure at times.