discovering myself...

[shawnael]

I did post a topic in the Introductions, but I kind of want input from the "Androgyne" section...

I am pleased to see so much support. I don't want to post a repeat topic, as I'm sure this is, but I don't know what else to do. Here is the last post I put in my intro, because this is where I need support.

Thank you, all... I'm not sure how to explain myself here. I do have questions, mostly about myself, but I'm not sure how to ask them. I know that I've felt like something more than "just a girl" for as long as I can remember. But I almost feel that admitting myself to these feelings is going to get me the same feedback as when I tell people that I have ADD. They all say "Well, everyone has ADD a little bit." But they'll never understand that what I feel and how I think is so completely different. ADD isn't just "not being able to pay attention." If I'm not on my meds, I feel like someone else is controlling my body, making it do and say things that I don't want to say or do. I just feel like if I tell anyone what's inside my head, they'll just play it off as "Oh, well, everyone has masculine and feminine qualities." But it's not like that for me. I don't want to act like a boy. I want to be a boy. But I also want to be a girl. I finally understand that I'm somewhere between male and female, or male then female and vice versa, or both at the same time. I just don't want my feelings to be written off as "You've got a vagina and boobs. You're a girl, wear some jeans and get over it."

I don't know how to understand, or how to make it understood.

I've been trying to figure out what it is I am. Sometimes I feel like two separate people, male and female, are taking turns with my body. Sometimes I feel like the two merge together. I think I've been blocking out one of them, but maybe it's only in my head. I have a feeling that my male personality has only shown himself by merging with my female personality. And I truly do think that they are two people. When I have that idea in my head, I feel... like a weight has been lifted off my chest. That I can be both male and female.

Of course, going down this road will raise a whole new slew of problems... Because I'm pretty sure both my personalities are straight. But I'm not bisexual... It's hard to explain. I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain it.

Please ask me questions as anyone sees fit, hopefully they'll help me discover myself.

[Emerald]

Please ask me questions as anyone sees fit, hopefully they'll help me discover myself.

Ok, let's start you off on your journey of discovery! 

You are a biological female and you want to be a boy too.
What does 'being a boy' mean to you?
Do you wish you had a male body?
Do you desire a male role in society? (provider, authoritative, competitive, peer respect, etc.)
Do you wish to be treated and accepted as a male by others?
Do you want to participate in activities many males enjoy? (hunting, fishing, sports, cooking outdoors, etc.)
Do you desire to have a beard/mustache?
Do you prefer to wear mens clothing?
Do you want to be treated like 'one of the boys' in the company of men?
Do you prefer to be sexually aggressive - not passive?

In what way does being a girl differ from being a boy to you?
And in what way does being a boy differ from being just human?

I'm looking forward to your thoughtful answers!
-Emerald 

[shawnael]

Please ask me questions as anyone sees fit, hopefully they'll help me discover myself.

Ok, let's start you off on your journey of discovery! 

You are a biological female and you want to be a boy too.
What does 'being a boy' mean to you?
Do you wish you had a male body?
Do you desire a male role in society? (provider, authoritative, competitive, peer respect, etc.)
Do you wish to be treated and accepted as a male by others?
Do you want to participate in activities many males enjoy? (hunting, fishing, sports, cooking outdoors, etc.)
Do you desire to have a beard/mustache?
Do you prefer to wear mens clothing?
Do you want to be treated like 'one of the boys' in the company of men?
Do you prefer to be sexually aggressive - not passive?

In what way does being a girl differ from being a boy to you?
And in what way does being a boy differ from being just human?

I'm looking forward to your thoughtful answers!
-Emerald 

Thanks for the reply. A lot of these questions are similar and have similar answers. I'll try to answer all of them to the best of my ability.

First, I want to say that I have been struggling with gender identity for a very long time. Actually, until I found Tay's post (on another site) I thought that my problem was sexual identity. I toyed with being gay or bisexual, but it didn't hold with me. There was a part of me that went "Maybe," and another that screamed "NO!" I was very confused about the whole thing, especially when my psychiatrist told me she thought I was gay. Within the last couple of years, I found myself strangely attracted to "->-bleeped-<-s", or transexual women, I don't know the politically correct term. Something about them drew my attention. At first I thought, "Ok, this is weird, but it'll pass." When my attraction didn't pass, I realised the reason was because I felt a connection. I almost felt like that was how I wanted to be. Two sexes, one body.

Being a boy, for me, is being able to fit in one group where I'm wildly ostracized in another. I don't always fit in with the girls. I'm realising that it really depends on who has my body at the moment. Some days I get it; other days I'm lost. I've always been "one of the guys," but I've never been able to really fit in because of my sex.

I participate in sports as it is (swimming and waterpolo), and I am a very authoritative person. I command respect, though I am resented. Sexually speaking, I am very aggressive, but I tone it down so as not to put my partner off. I have dressed in men's clothing, only to be told that I look like a boy and I need to change into something more "girly."

I do not wish to change my body. I've thought about it, but I don't think I'd be happier, per se, in a man's body than a woman's. I like the way my body is built. It is almost a perfect cross between male and female, barring genitalia. I have very broad shoulders and a very muscular build, but I also have curves. I think my face can be considered androgynous, though I guess I'll have to show you, huh? I don't like the thought of facial hair, because She will not like it.

As a girl, I am more creative and nurturing. I feel petite and delicate.
As a boy, I am more logical and protective. I feel... I don't know, bigger than I really am, more forceful.
I feel these identities in my subconscious, and it's taken so long for me to realise His presence. But I'm forced into my female gender-role so much, I wasn't able to tell he was there. I think that if I can let Him out more, She will be able to find Her place with the girls.

As a human, well, people are people, right? I wish that's how everyone thought.

I was able to confide in two of my friends. Neither were surprised. One said, "That actually makes sense." He told me that I do occasionally seem to become a different person. The other friend said, "You know, I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how you would take it. I figured that you should find out for yourself."

I'm not sure about true androgyny in my case. I think you'd call it "bi-gendered" or some kind of mix or something. I don't know but like I said before, when I think about having these two people inside me, my brain goes, "Duh."

But now I have some questions for you: How do you identify yourself? How did you come to this conclusion?

[Mia and Marq]

Its always so refreshing to have new people around on their journey of discovery. So as far as the two people inside go, I have some insight for you to look into. You may be describing a type of androgyne called a bigendered androgyne, two seperate personas existing seperate but together within one body. Think of it as two spirits even. I am one of those of which I speak.

You say that sometimes you feel like they merge, perhaps so that the male side can be felt and represented. I for the longest time overlooked that a lot of my strange behavior was actually attributed to my female side trying to be recognized in her own little ways. It wasn't until I came to the realization there are two within me that it all just clicked. Now everyone that knows me and my special situation can usually identify which of the two(Marq and Mia) they're interacting with at that moment. It was a relief when I did come to that realization because it explained so much of my life suddenly.

I urge you to look at some of the posts on bigenders that we have here at the forums to see if you can find some parallels within your own life. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for. The post at the top of this section has easy links to a lot of these topics.

We actually find the situation quite amusing because a number of times situations will come up where its like a little inside joke. For example me and a couple friends were sitting around a table and someone said "Oh look boys on one side and girls on the other". My very first thought was "How can i sit on both sides at once". Well I hope to talk more with you soon. Feel free to private message me and maybe we can get some IMs going or something if you ever want to talk more.

Marq and Mia

[Attis]

Hey there, it's sometimes hard to grasp what you value and what not, I say take your time to see what pans out. I'm trying to come to grips with my own mixture of masculinity and femininity as well.

-- Brede

[Emerald]

I'm not sure about true androgyny in my case. I think you'd call it "bi-gendered" or some kind of mix or something. I don't know but like I said before, when I think about having these two people inside me, my brain goes, "Duh."

But now I have some questions for you: How do you identify yourself? How did you come to this conclusion?

I'm gender-blessed! I identify as a gender transcendent Androgyne.

My gender (or lack of gender) is consistent, stable and without polarization. I have no alternate male or female persona, no osculating gender identity. I have never possessed a separate 'opposite gender' wardrobe - a trait common to Transsexuals, Crossdressers, and Bi-gendered individuals. I am perfectly content with my natural female body and believe I would be equally content with a natal male body.

The bi-gender system only allows two genders. For decades I thought of myself as being neither/both or as having a male mind in a female body before I discovered the  existence of 'Androgyne' as an atypical gender identity.

I am also a classic example of 'psychological androgyny' found in clinical literature and research. You can read more about psychological androgyny here:
http://www.webster.edu/~woolflm/sandrabem2.htm#pa

Gender is a fascinating subject! The understanding of gender is a growing field of study. The the language and terms surrounding gender identity shift and change quickly. Theories, come and go. Much is yet to be researched.

I'm still on my happy journey of discovery!
Food for thought on your journey:
Gender Fluid Identity has gender fluctuations, a shifting blend of male/female.
Bi-Gender Identity has two distinct gender personas, one persona is the opposite gender.

-Emerald

[shawnael]

Marq/Mia: I've been reading through a few posts of yours, and I feel like I can relate to you. I would love to talk with you. 

Emerald: Thank you for the advice. I know you're trying to open other doors, and I will look into them, but every time I think about "two distinct gender identities"... I just get this feeling of comfort and peace.

Attis: Thanks. I think the hardest part will be convincing myself that everything is ok. It's easier to write down how I feel to strangers than it is to say it out loud to the mirror. It's funny, because my mom's worst fear is that I'll "turn into a lesbian."    Of course I don't think her love for me would change, but the fact that she's not very good at handling deviants is... kind of unnerving. I don't want to be scared or embarrassed to show myself.