Isolation

[suzifrommd]

"How's it going. What've you been up to? Got weekend plans?"

Let's see. As far as how's it going, I could tell you I've got GID. There are probably a few other things going on, but it's hard to think of them because the GID is there 24/7. Even when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm aware of just how done I am with people not being able to see me as a woman.

I could tell you that last night was spent removing all the body hair from my ears, nose, neck, throat, and any other areas that might show from underneath women's clothes. I'm even shaving two inches above and below my belt line in case my top rides up or my pants ride down. Oh, and I plucked my eyebrows.

Weekend plans? I could tell you I'm going to put on a wig, fake breasts, and  makeup to cover my beard shadow and go into the city to attend my Transgender Support Group. I'll spend the evening with a bunch of people who don't really know me all that well, but they're supportive and know what I'm going through, and it's the only place I go nowadays where I feel remotely like me.

I'd like to be able to tell you these things because it's the reality of my life and leaving them out would be painting a picture that wouldn't be close to real. It would be insincere and ungenuine and would leave you not knowing me any more than you do right now. Skipping these details would continue my isolated state, where I feel like none of the people I spend my day with, coworkers and acquaintances have the slightest idea who I really am.

But I suspect you wouldn't really want to hear about all that. I've been growing my fingernails long for a month and nobody has commented, though I'm pretty sure lots have noticed since they're to the point where they're hard to miss. If I were female bodied, I'm sure you would have commented by now, gushing about how nice they look (even if you didn't think so) and talking about your own. But because I wear a male body (not out of choice, I assure you), everyone avoids the topic like the plague.

How I long to open up to you and the others, to tell you what's really going on with me, to answer your questions about what it's like, to walk around with the feeling that people really know me, really know how I feel. How wonderful it would be to have the people around me, whom I like and whose company I appreciate, share my journey.

"Not much. Same old stuff. You?"

*Sigh*

[Jamie D]

Yep.  Same old stuff.

[Edge]

What would happen if you did tell them?

[Cindy]

Dear agfrommd,
I think you are getting close to coming out. People do notice, people certainly noticed those changes in me. And suddenly on day it slipped out and the dam walls broke. I remember those same feelings exactly.

Just take your time, keep the confidence rising, accept yourself as the woman you are, and one day you will be ready to greet the world as the lovely woman you are.

Hugs

Cindy

[JoanneB]

About the only difference is besides going to my TG group there is also going out in the real world as the real me, doing a some grocery shopping, perhaps browsing or buying clothes and of course feeling more alive and happier then I've been in decades. Then back home to pluck my ears......

And like Cidy said, it is getting close to the time to come out. Well that is if my part-timing doesn't count as "out" and assuming it is possible with all the financial and personal obligations that totally prevent me from doing it. Overwhelmed with responsibilities and have-tos. Stuck at the intersection of Futility and Fatalism. Hoping that the fond memories of a life almost lived can carry me through my next 5 decades.

Oh, same ole same ole here 

[suzifrommd]

What would happen if you did tell them?

Well probably nothing earth shaking, but I don't want to dump my medical problems on someone who's probably not interested in them (is being born with a gender that doesn't match your sex a medical problem?).

[Jamie D]

Well probably nothing earth shaking, but I don't want to dump my medical problems on someone who's probably not interested in them (is being born with a gender that doesn't match your sex a medical problem?).

Yes!  It causes us a great deal of anxiety, at the very least.

I can't count how many times I have felt the way you do in your post, except it is trying to conceptualize the bigendered nature of my being.

[Sara Murphy]

I hate it when I read something that really hits home like this right before I go to bed...tossing and turning here I come.

I am glad I read it though, it really was excellent story telling.

 

[sonopoly]

I hate when you pass someone in the hall, and they say, "What's up?".  I mean how do you answer that to someone you're passing and seconds later they're out of hearing range?

[Incarnadine]

I hate when you pass someone in the hall, and they say, "What's up?".  I mean how do you answer that to someone you're passing and seconds later they're out of hearing range?

I answer with either...
"Hey"
"Hello"
"Howdy" (I live in NY)
"What's goin' on?'
"What's up?"
"How's it goin?"

Any question asked like that in passing, I assume it's a different kind of "hello", just a simple greeting, and so I return in kind.  From what I've seen (ymmv), it's guys that mostly converse in such a meaningful and eloquent manner.

For example:
"Whaaaaaaaaazzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!"  (Annoying Orange ftw)

Such an honest expression of one's feelings causes strong masculine bonding.

[sonopoly]

I guess I get too literal....

[Jamie D]

Reminds me of the "Wassup" beer commercials from a few years ago.

[Sephirah]

I hate when you pass someone in the hall, and they say, "What's up?".  I mean how do you answer that to someone you're passing and seconds later they're out of hearing range?

I normally go with "The sky".

[peky]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I feel your pain, XX

[Taka]

it's a bit like when my mom tells me she's worried, asks how i'm doing. and i know that she doesn't want to hear the truthful answer

[MaidofOrleans]

...ugh...sooooo true.

[justmeinoz]

"Wearing a male body" pretty well sums it up, you are just wearing a disguise until it is safe to come out.  Overthinking things is a big problem for all of us, and we are our own worst critics too. 

Have you considered going for an Andro look as a partial step to give some relief until you are able to live the way you want to? 
Goths tend to have painted nails, black it is true, but painted nevertheless.