What did you do as a denial to try to convince yourself you were not trans?

[ShaunaNinjagirl]

I tried the whole head shaving thing too, but I was able to shower and only take 2 minutes. Plus lint and fluff would stick to my head 
Also Keaira's boy picture with the beard. That gets me hot and bothered. And that is probably very very wrong of me to say. She made one handsome boy, it is to bad she is a girl.

[Snowpaw]

I was a total bully to the gay and trans kids too.... I feel so bad because when I was about 12 I was in a alternative school for kids with issues, there was a trans girl and I kicked the back of her chair and called her a nasty name.... I feel like trash because of it... I will never forgive myself for being a total ->-bleeped-<- as a kid-teen...

[Kitteh Engimeer]

It was more of an avoidance rather than a denial for me. I smoked pot throughout high school and college, and took several hallucinogens as well (which often didn't help with the avoidance). I'd also obsessively play video/compy games, especially when it came to MMOs.
Being academically engaged worked against confronting myself, too.

[Stephe]

I got married lol That went well   We stayed married for about 5 years. Now 20 years later we are best friends. What's weird to me is she never had a clue I was trans.

I drank, smoked a lot of weed etc too. I tried hard to avoid this, but ended up a woman anyway.

[Tristan]

Tessa sounds like we're a fun little hell cat. Kinda sorry I missed the party

I tried the whole macho image once too:

-I smoked a pack a day, if not more, of Marlboro Red or Benson&Hedges Black
-I drank like a fish. It got to the point where a 40oz of 10.1% beer would not even have me drunk. Id need two. Once I even drank an entire bottle of vodka...that ended up with a hospital visit (no stomach pump tho)
-I smoked lots of weed. Like, literally every 3 hours
-I grew a beard and a half. I was one of only two kids in grade seven who was already shaving so as you can imagine, I had quite a lot of facial hair, all of it thick. People would actually envy this. Oh how little they knew.
-I went to the gym. HATED IT!!!
-I was a bully in high school. In all honesty, I got bullied by one kid and badly. I took my rage out on other kids to compensate for this, and to make myself feel better for other issues.
-I once had a girlfriend. We actually did it. EWWW! Were still friends tho, good shopping buddy!!!

Sometime in 2011 (I was 19) I said ->-bleeped-<- this s**t im just gona be me and I dont care what the others think. Smartest thing I ever did

[Kevin Peña]

I kept trying to tell myself that perhaps it was just a phase. I stopped trying in school (luckily for me, not trying is still enough for me to get a 102.5 GPA). I asked out a girl in my school because I was trying to overcompensate my manliness. I basically destroyed my desks and my bedroom door with my bare hands and wouldn't talk about any of my feelings. I kept everything bottled up inside until I had a nervous breakdown, crying and screaming while suffering the worst headaches anyone could ever feel. I then spent the first 5 days of my spring break in bed, crying silently, only getting up to drink water, eat some food, use the bathroom, or work out. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't do anything without crying. I literally cried for 5 days straight. I then accepted myself for who I am, and soon enough, I'll be able to be the real me.

In short, don't hide from anything. Tackle the issues at hand and avoid the consequences of any unresolved feelings.

[SarahM777]

Where does one start?

My whole life was an avoidance or it was buried by circumstance. Early on it was buried by a sister that was born severely handicapped. By age 11 I was running the whole household on the weekends as my parents were involved with their business. All the laundry for 8 people had to be done,supper had to be made both days, and the whole house had to be cleaned.  In high school tried to avoid PE at all costs and even took classes I really did not want to take. 

After High School tried to bury them by heading off to college to become a pastor. After 6 months of that just went totally off the wall. Was going to school full timewith a 50 hour a week job.
Blew through over $6,000 of cash with drugs and junk purchases. This is in 1977 dollars. Moved in with a woman after 4 days because we were going to get married. She stole my car and then my boss from work moved in. (I did get my car back) He was gay but he was also a phsyocopath. He threatened to blow my parents house up if I ever tried to leave. Three different times he tried to kill me. After about three years of this he finally released me from it.

Six months later got involved with a married woman. She got divorced and we ended up being married. Two months later that ended. The kicker was is she would let me live with her but we wouldn't be married. I also worked for her and she was the "man" of the house.

You think at this time I might be getting it through my head I can't "beat this". Not a snowballs change in Cuba. I just have to prove my father is wrong about me and I can beat this. Once again I get involved this time with a divorced woman ,with three kids who have very serious social issues due to their mother being a recovering alcoholic. Within three months we get married. How did that work out? It didn't work well at all. After about 5 months she is asking me why can you not act like a man it's like i'm living with another woman. Still tried to bury it. Tried healing services being anointed with oil. Tried working at a factory where they pressed the laminate on tabletops.
Hard psychical labor that I had no business doing. 125 lb no muscle weakling trying to flip over 150 lb table tops.

It took a lot for me to quit trying to beat myself up.

All in all just another wonderful day in paradise. 

It's mostly my own doing.

[ashley_thomas]

For the longest time I thought cross dressing was a "temptation", so always suppressed it and didn't give myself the chance to know anything but 2am shame, went through depression, anger, drinking, sports, school, achievement, church (yuck), family, marriage, fun experiences, both chasing a diversion and hoping to find fulfillment along the way.

Came out to my wife ten years ago because I thought we were done, I couldn't fake it anymore.  She didn't like me anymore.  We're now blissfully married and I'm clearly out at home but have yet to start a medical transition, so much remains unsettled.

[Brooke777]

Spent about 10 years working in an extremely masculine job. Grew a beard. Drank....a lot. I wore shoes that were too big because guys are supposed to have big feet. I even purposely talked in a deep base voice.

[Keaira]

Every time I see one of your "old" photos I simply can't match them yo the current ones. No FFS?

Nope, no FFS, though I would like a lower hairline.

I tried the whole head shaving thing too, but I was able to shower and only take 2 minutes. Plus lint and fluff would stick to my head 
Also Keaira's boy picture with the beard. That gets me hot and bothered. And that is probably very very wrong of me to say. She made one handsome boy, it is to bad she is a girl.

I get that a lot now. lol. Back then I was either too wrapped up in my identity struggle to notice that Women found me attractive or I was just that oblivious. I think it's because I look like Johnny Depp there.

[Apples Mk.II]

-I once had a girlfriend. We actually did it. EWWW!

Hey, at least you could. With me the last times were like "Why am I on top? How does a man act? This does not feel correct..."

She was quite homophobic, so that was another issue for killing the relationship, I could absolutely not explain why I kept failing... Yet it is odd, the other two girls I explained this to... Well, they loved the idea. One started to treat me like another girl in a moment and the other... well, she's bi and did not mind.

[Padma]

I've been coming to terms with the fact that over the last year, even though I was transitioning I was really hobbled by being in a relationship with someone (whom I still really love, even though it's over) who fell in love with me as a woman, but wanted me to be a man in bed. And I tried to be both. And I'm not. It's very painful.

[Apples Mk.II]

Ya sure it worked... occasionally. And when it did it required lots of concentration, closing my eyes, and imagining other things. When I came out to her months after we broke up she said "Oh thats why you could never get hard!" lmao it was kinda awkward at times. I was often "too tired" to function.

xD. For me it was the straw that broke the camel's back and finished paving the road. Foreplay, hugging... All perfect (Oh well, save for the fact I was incredibly scared and she was "wearing the boots", I just could not act manly enough), my turn to act manly and... Oh, poop. "This is so unnatural".


I wonder what would have happened in another time...

[peky]

I applaud all of you ladies for having the courage to tell and share your stories.

[SarahM777]

Don't forget the gentlemen who have posted also.   

[peky]

Don't forget the gentlemen who have posted also.   

Well, for the guys is not a big deal as they are tough hombres! Thank you dudes!

[Incarnadine]

Focused on academics in school.  Forced myself to stop doing things in a "girly" way because of the shame I felt being teased about it.  Forced myself to hang around the guys instead of the girls like I wanted to. 

The last 12 years or so I focused on MUDs and MMOs.  Although I wanted to play a female character, I never did for fear of getting caught by my wife or for the shame that I already felt.

Internally condemned myself for these feelings, since I was taught that everything associated with the opposite of traditional marriage was an abomination.

Now that I've allowed myself the luxury of accepting my own feelings, that shame is slowly going away. 

[Christine]

I forced it down so deep into my being I became seriously depressed with run away anxiety. That was the bottom. A good gender therapist got me on medication. Once on medication I began to actually deal with the problems. Their were two real clues that just couldn't be explained away. From a very young age (before puberty) I always wanted to look pretty, curvy and soft. I wanted to be gentle not tough. Also I realized that I always had to force myself to be male. It never felt right  to me. It simply felt wrong. Ironically my gentleness was what my wife was attracted to.

[Jenny07]

I became a professional athlete which took up alot of my time when younger. It was fun but never was able to change how I felt and after getting very sick with meningitis and nearly dieing had to give it up. My training partners went on to win gold medals at the Olympics and win the biggest events in the world in my sport.
I was always in a relationship and got married however deep down on the day I wished it was me in that beautiful wedding dress.
After that fell appart a few years later after she got pregnant to another man (nice girl hey?) I left and said to myself I would change so moved to the Cross in Sydney. I closed down and lived in semi isolation, other than going to work. Never going out and socialising as I just didn't know how to cope with my true feelings. I aways looked at the pretty girls and wanted to be just like them.
Still gripped in fear about transitioning, I put it off until recently coming out here. Started laser on my face in July and love the results so far after two sessions, it has dramatically reduced the growth and hair on my cheeks is almost gone completely. I could grate cheese from them previously. I cant wait for my face to be totally clean of my facial growth. Next steps to go shopping which is a big fear and to see a therapist at to look at 1 reducing the T and 2 starting E, but most importantly I need to be true to myself. I like the thought of slowly washing my maleness away a bit at a time.
The good thing is that I feel much better to myself as isn't that's what it is all about, being happy?

[Incarnadine]

Their were two real clues that just couldn't be explained away. From a very young age (before puberty) I always wanted to look pretty, curvy and soft. I wanted to be gentle not tough. Also I realized that I always had to force myself to be male. It never felt right  to me. It simply felt wrong.

YES!  It simply felt wrong!  I get more and more epiphanes about myself the more I see other gal's experiences and feelings!

Coincidently, we need an emoticon for *hugs*!