Mom doesn't know that I know she knows ... huh?

[stephanie]

Okay.  When I was first feeling confident about myself as a TS, I came out to the only person in my family who is open-minded to accept me - my sister.  And boy did she ever accept me!  It's wonderful.  I asked her to keep it quiet until I'm ready to come out to the rest of the family.  But, I'm currently living with my parents, and I haven't told them.  Here's where it gets convoluted.

Last month, my therapist asked me to fill out a TG survey to pinpoint where I was on the "spectrum" so to speak.  I took it home and filled it out, but kept it hidden on my desk.  After a few days, and knowing my mother's tendency to snoop through my room, I "accidentally" left it out in plain sight one day while I went to work.  I was thinking this might be a gentler way of letting her know, because the survey contained much of how I felt about my parents and my fears of coming out to them.

Well as far as I knew, she never found it, because she never confronted me about anything.  But while talking with my sister a few days ago, she told me that my mother knew because she found the survey.  Instead of confronting me, however, she called my sister.  They apparently had a long talk, and it would seem that my mother is accepting, although not feeling very supportive (at this time).  From what my sister told me, my mother hopes that it's a "phase that I'll grow out of."  My sister made me promise not to tell my mother that she told me.  I figure since my sister was kind enough to keep her promise to me, I should do the same.

For the record, my dad is still in the dark.

But now the problem.  I am TS.  My mother knows.  I know she knows.  But she doesn't know that I know she knows ... does that make sense?  It's like a really unfunny sitcom plot.  Any minute now I'm expecting my father to come in and say "you've got some 'splaining to do!" and I start bawling.

I am scheduled with my therapist again day after tomorrow, but I just wanted to express how awkward a situation I am in.  Any suggestions?

EDIT - Viola, it's moved

[stephanie_craxford]

Hey there stephanie,

Yep it made sense 

I would wait to see what your therapist says about your situation with your parents.  You also have to try and not be so clever as to leave subtle hints around the house unless you are ready to deal with the consequences head on.  Remember they are adults and should be treated as such.  I guess you are lucky that it was your mom who found the survey and not your dad, and that she reacted the way she did.  I think that most moms do.  When we told my wife's mom about me, she had a similar reaction as yours in that she felt that I was just looking for attention.

The dilemma you have created is that you and your mom know, so now, if you don't tell her she may be disappointed or upset that you didn't trust her judgement, or that you didn't love her enough or cared about her feelings.  This may not be the case, but it is a possibility.

I think my advise would be to stop leaving hints around the house, and when you are ready for it, be honest and come out to your parents.  But BE WARNED you have to be prepared for the consequences.  See what your therapist says, and then give it a lot of thought.

Chat later,

Steph

[Cassandra]

Hi Stephanie,

Couldn't agree more with what Steph said. As you may have noticed Steph and I see eye to eye about a lot of things so you might have some idea about what I'm going to say next. If you leave stuff out you will have to face the consequences. Now you find yourself in this awkward situation of your own creation.

Yes talk to your therapist about this situation before you decide your next step but you will have to do something. She knows and you know she knows. She has spoken to your sister about it so she knows you told your sister. She has indicated to your sister that she is supportive. She knows you will talk to your sister and your sister will have told you. Now she's wondering why you won't talk to her about it and she is probably feeling a little hurt.

You will have to find a way to broach the subject with her without seeming to violate your sisters confidence. The longer you wait the more hurt she will become until it boils over. This is what happens when you leave hints lying around. I would suggest a straightforward approach, during some quite time with just you and your mother. Maybe you could say something like, I left something on my desk for you to read I was hoping you would want to talk to me about it. It's honest, you did leave it there for her to find and you were hoping she would want to talk about it.

Good Luck,

Cassie

[stephanie]

Honestly I was kind of hoping she would find it.  I've always had issues with how my mother treats my privacy (snooping in my bedroom and such) but I was sort of banking on the fact that, good or bad, she'd at least know.  But I was also banking on the fact that if she found it, she'd confront me, which she didn't.  Like you both said though, I created this dilemma by leaving it out.  I'll see what my therapist says, and then probably talk with my mother in private.

I honestly have to wonder if she didn't know before then though.  I've come home before to find my closet door partially open, when I know I keep it closed (can't sleep at night if it's not, never shoulda watched Poltergeist at such a young age).  I keep my only articles of female clothing in there - a shirt and a skirt.  However, I usually keep them bunched together with all my male dress shirts so at casual glance one would not see the skirt, and the shirt would look like one of the dress shirts.  Hmm.  Guess it's a moot point now.

[Miss Placed]

Hi Steph

I live at home too, I don't think they sneak through my room, but one thing they have been doing (since I moved into the larger rear bedroom) is just walking in unannounced (they didn't do this when I was in the smaller front bedroom), so although not quite the same, I can sort of share your feelings as regards 'invasion of your privacy'.

I told my father about me just before my parents went on vacation, and I told my mother the day after they came back.

Coming out taught me a valuable lesson, that I think has been echoed here in other peoples replies, people never act the way you expect them too, no matter how well you think you know them.

My father is a retired "Relate" Counsellor ("Relate" are well respected Marriage/Relationship Counselling service here in the UK). 

My mother on the other hand is a small minded, sometimes bigoted, homophobic and racially phobic person.

As a result I expected him to be open minded and fairly clued up about how to 'deal' with me and I expected my mother to either go ballistic or throw me out.

How wrong I was.

When I first told dad he seemed ok with it, but told me that he didnt think it was me, that I didnt know my own mind.

My mum was more accepting, even said 'you should have gone through my clothes while we were away'.

However I think they are both in...

"phase that I'll grow out of."

Mode.

Chatting to them both since, dad plaintively told me that if I did transition he would not call me 'daughter', he would not refer to me by the correct titles, pro-nouns etc, as I was his 'son'. Whereas mum told me she would feel sad for dad losing his only son, but would help me as much as she could, and refer to me correctly. There was no way she would dream of throwing me out.

Last Friday a mature transitioning M2F friend, who lives locally, came to visit me for a chat. My dad went out and has never asked me how it went. My mum stayed in and welcomed her with open arms, I even caught them chatting about clothes at one point when I came back from a bathroom break lol

To add icing on the cake, my parents went away for five days again this week, on Sunday night mum came in and whispered to me (cos dad was in bed in room next door) that she wanted to show me which of her e-bay stock of female clothes was currentley listed, and which wasn't... in case I 'wanted to go through them' 

[stephanie]

Well my therapist and I have come up with the idea of confronting my mother with these words:  "you might already know, but..."

That way my sister's trust isn't broken, and I'm not acting condescending toward my mother.  It also gives her a chance to tell me what she knows without me beating it out of her.

Now comes the part where I actually come out to her.  I'm wanting to do this by the end of the week, but I've been saying that for the last month.

[Cassandra]

Glad to here the therapist and you came up with a diplomatic way to broach the subject. Now how about using it? The longer you wait the worse it can become. Like you said she knows. You know she knows. You know she knows you know. So tell her, you know?

Cassie

[Shelley]

people never act the way you expect them too, no matter how well you think you know them.

I have to agree there Lyn-Jean, I was reasonably sure my wife knew. She didn't and wow didn't it all hit the fan when she did find out.

The big thing Stephanie was the hurt she displayed that I hadn't told her before. You may still be in for some unexpected responses. Whatever comes of it I think you've backed yourself into a corner and as the others have said you need to do something aboutit pretty quick.

Good luck

Shelley

[stephanie]

Well after a particularly stressful morning and a dead work computer, I am home for the day.  My mother only works part-time, so we should have the afternoon all to ourselves today, before dad gets home.  I'm trying to work up the courage for today to be the day.

[unicorn]

hello Stephanie,
too late to wish you luck... how did it go?
I remember how my mom was, invading my privacy and all, she'd actually look in my desk and closet, ... and not tell me she new things about me...
confronting her at such times was scary and difficult, but even when the reaction was not good, i always felt better, with the tension relieved, i could breathe again.
all the best,
Alex

[stephanie]

Well it's not too late, because I couldn't find a moment that she wasn't already busy.  Heaven forbid I interrupt Days of our Lives!!!   

[Cassandra]

Cut to scene from tommorrows episode. As Stephanie stand in the kitchen with her mum.

Anouncers voice Will Stephanie tell her mum? How will she react? Tune in tommorrow when we here Stephanie say:

Mum there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

Organ Music and fade to black. 


Cassie

[Shelley]

Well that explains how you spend the middle of your day LOL.

Shelley

[stephanie]

She watches the show, and I dare not interrupt it.  Same goes for "Lost" on Wednesdays.  I'm not sure I'm even allowed in the room during Lost.

But seriously ... this is just getting ridiculous.  Apparently my mother is talking with someone other than me or my sister about my TG, and it seems to be doing her a lot of good.  I don't know who this mystery friend is, but she seems to be supportive and helping my mother deal with the issue.  There's no good reason I shouldn't just walk up to her and tell her.

My father is a different story all together.  Everyone that knows about me (whether they know I know they know or not ) is worried about his reaction.  The good news is, my mother, according to my sister, will absolutely not allow him to throw me out.  Such, she says, is the decision of both of them, and she would not agree to such a thing.  That alone made me feel much better.

Tune in tomorrow ... same drag-time, same drag-channel! 

(dramatic exit theme)

[Miss Placed]

I've not been feeling well the last few days, and reading the last three posts of this thread this morning (9:15am Sat) has brought a smile to my face and cheered me up.

Anyway, not trying to detract from the importance of the thread, but yes if it seems she knows and has talked to others about it maybe talking to her now wont be so bad. Your dad seems like a different story though.

My mum and dad came back from yet another vacation yestreday and dad told me 'I wanted to have a serious chat to you about things, but am going to wait till your better'. Well thanks, he can't imagine how much worse that makes me feel at the moment, now I am worrying over what he has to say, whilst also coping with this illness (which is stomach, bladder, bowel infection type thing).

*hugs Stephanie*

[unicorn]

Well it's not too late, because I couldn't find a moment that she wasn't already busy.  Heaven forbid I interrupt Days of our Lives!!!   

well, then, good luck when you catch your mom in a quiet moment,... and indeed if she's talking to someone that will help her deal with things... don't wait too long... and if there's no days when she's not watching telly... unplug the cable or something

[stephanie]

"cay-bul?"  What on earth is cable?  lol ... seems like this house is stuck in the 50's sometimes.  I'm surprised I have my high-speed internet.

[stephanie]

The red-letter day has finally arrived.  This morning I came out to both my parents.  There were a lot of tears, a lot of "are you sure about this?" and a lot of questions, but happily there was no yelling, arguing, debating, or kicking out of the house.  After two hours of going over every angle, they actually asked me about attending a therapy session and support group with me.  Right now though, they both just need time to get their minds around it.  Who knows how long that will take, but at least the two most close-minded people I know are accepting and claiming support.

So I'm still shaking, teary-eyed, and brow-knitted, but I feel that a lot of progress has been made.

I didn't even have to give them the letter I wrote.  But I'm glad I wrote the letter anyway, because it helped me organize my thoughts enough to start the conversation.  And thank you Steph, for letting me compare mine and yours.  It was very well-read and laid out, unlike mine that rambled on for four pages and went off track several times.

Thank you everyone for the support and well wishing.  I don't think I could have made it this far without you.  And this is just the first leg of the race.

[Miss Placed]

Congratulations, Stephanie *hugs*

[unicorn]

Hey stephanie!

Congratulations on taking this big step!

*hugs*
Alex