Ask Matt: Help – I Outed My Partner

[Shana A]

Ask Matt: Help – I Outed My Partner

September 17, 2012 by Matt Kailey

http://tranifesto.com/2012/09/17/ask-matt-help-i-outed-my-partner/

A reader writes: "A couple of months ago, I had a trans-identified partner. They were MAAB, still go by their (male) given name, present as (a rather feminine) male about 70 percent of the time, identify as trans on the feminine spectrum, and use they/them or she/her pronouns.

"I was living in a different city than all of my friends while seeing this person, and disclosed their trans status to my friends. I thought this was a good idea so I could use their preferred pronouns when talking about them, and also just because my friends and I talk in detail about our relationships.

"I've since realized that it definitely wasn't okay for me to out them like this. The partner and I have decided to start seeing each other again, and I was telling a friend today that they were going to come visit me. However, I didn't know how to talk about them – I was using they/them when referring to them, and my friend went to ask something about them and said, 'He? Or she? Is it a guy or girl?' and I just really didn't know how to respond.

[Rita]

Ouch, Ouch, and more Ouch.

But probably more common than we think.  That is why we have to be very firm in who we are! and hope those around us who accept it remember.

[Arch]

You know, if the trans person prefers a gender-neutral pronoun like "they," then they already should have discussed complications such as this one--in advance, just in case. I mean, I discussed pronouns with lots of people when I was pre-transition and when I was in the androgynous-looking zone. I made everything quite clear. And I was working with gender-specific pronouns. Pretty cut and dried.

It seems to me that this trans person might be living in their own little bubble. I know someone who uses gender-neutral pronouns and lives in such a bubble, so maybe I'm projecting a little. Or maybe I'm seeing an uncomfortable truth.

But I do also feel that the (cis?) partner probably should have anticipated this situation as well, and prepared for it. The farther off the binary grid you are, or the less binary you are at the moment, the more you have to prepare for awkward situations. This also goes for partners of trans people. It's just good common sense to be prepared, yes?

[eli77]

Surprised. I think Matt is entirely wrong. The trans partner has no right whatsoever to feel betrayed. If disclosure is an issue for you, you bloody well let your partner know that disclosure is an issue. Your partner is not a mind-reader and it is not their responsibility to ask; communicate or suffer the consequences.

This is true generally, actually. If you want someone to know you are trans and ONLY them to know you are trans, it is your responsibility to make that VERY, VERY clear. True even for other trans people. Even for other STEALTH trans people. Otherwise please expect me to tell everyone that knows I am trans that you are trans. If you don't want that, use your words.

Besides, asking to use the pronoun "they" essentially means you are out. And if you haven't realized that yet, please emerge from your cave and join society.

[Arch]

I would say that it's usually safer and more respectful to NOT out people unless they expressly give you permission to do so. That's the policy I live by, anyway.

[eli77]

I would say that it's usually safer and more respectful to NOT out people unless they expressly give you permission to do so. That's the policy I live by, anyway.

But you're a sweetheart, Arch. Moreover, you are both knowledgeable about the issue and empathic enough to make the effort to think "what would I want in this situation?" I don't think it's reasonable or safe to depend on that. For a lot of people, especially progressive cis people, the idea that you'd want to be quiet about it never even crosses their minds unless you tell them.

About the time my cousin excitedly told me that "all her friends think it's great and we'll take you out next time you come to London" is when I realized that people have entirely different concepts of this thing. Luckily I live 5 timezones away from London. But it was a good lesson. And I don't think less of my cousin for that. I just explained the situation a little more carefully.

Too many relationships suffer problems that begin with "you should have known..." Nope, that doesn't work and it isn't fair on them. Talking is far more effective.