Being gay and being trans

[ChaoticTribe]

Actually no, it isn't a term by those only looking for sex. It is a term for Everyone wuo is uneducated about trans issues, basically the entire population for the most part. When a guy wants a relationship with a MTF he won't likely know how to properly refer to her unless he has already been with someone of that description. So if anything it would be a term for 'noobs'.

After all, those are the words promoted by society. As another example, 'Pit Bull' isn't a breed. American Staffordshire Terrier, Staffordshire Terrier, and very recently among UKC only and not AKC, KC or other registries, American Pit Bull Terrier has just recently come into use. Fanciers and the very knowledgeable refer tp things properly, but the general public hasn't got the education to do so.

And it's really not hard to keep your pants on and form a committed relationship, which will drive away the booty-->-bleeped-<-s quick as can be. Demand text and email (getting to know each other, not sex!) Before phone calls. Then phone talk before meeting, dates like park and zoo before dinner and a movie, and don't put out right away.

[Bostoncisguy]

Hey everyone, newbie here.  I am SO glad I found this thread!  Coming from the opposite perspective, I am a gay cis guy who recently dated a trans guy who was pre-op and on T for over a year.  My situation seems to be the opposite of what many of you have experienced.  Instead of me being insecure of my ex's body, my ex was paranoid that I was not going to accept him after he came out to me as trans, and constantly feared that I would leave him for a "real" guy as HE put it, not me!  When he came out to me, it only took me a few minutes to realize that I accepted him 1000000% for who he was, mainly because I never met a trans guy and I didn't eve know they could be gay!  I was NEVER uncomfortable with his body and always let him lead when we were intimate, and never placed my hands anywhere that he didn't feel comfortable.  In fact, it took a couple days to realize that being trans actually made him MORE attractive to me.  Our relationship ended partly because HE was insecure about me accepting him.  Although I was pretty heartbroken that things ended, as I was becoming more and more attached to him, the one thing I gained from the relationship was the realization that I am more attracted to trans guys than bio guys.  Too bad he never had any faith in me--his loss!  So where do I go from here?  This is all new to me.  I've learned so much in the short time we were together.  Now I want to meet more trans guys.  Where do I find them?  Are there any online dating sites for trans people and people who want to date them?  Also, have any other bio partners experienced this insecurity from your trans partners?  What can we do to reassure our trans partners that we ACCEPT them and it's not a big deal to us that they are trans???  What can I do to make my next relationship work better?

[Natkat]

Hey everyone, newbie here.  I am SO glad I found this thread!  Coming from the opposite perspective, I am a gay cis guy who recently dated a trans guy who was pre-op and on T for over a year.  My situation seems to be the opposite of what many of you have experienced.  Instead of me being insecure of my ex's body, my ex was paranoid that I was not going to accept him after he came out to me as trans, and constantly feared that I would leave him for a "real" guy as HE put it, not me!  When he came out to me, it only took me a few minutes to realize that I accepted him 1000000% for who he was, mainly because I never met a trans guy and I didn't eve know they could be gay!  I was NEVER uncomfortable with his body and always let him lead when we were intimate, and never placed my hands anywhere that he didn't feel comfortable.  In fact, it took a couple days to realize that being trans actually made him MORE attractive to me.  Our relationship ended partly because HE was insecure about me accepting him.  Although I was pretty heartbroken that things ended, as I was becoming more and more attached to him, the one thing I gained from the relationship was the realization that I am more attracted to trans guys than bio guys.  Too bad he never had any faith in me--his loss!  So where do I go from here?  This is all new to me.  I've learned so much in the short time we were together.  Now I want to meet more trans guys.  Where do I find them?  Are there any online dating sites for trans people and people who want to date them?  Also, have any other bio partners experienced this insecurity from your trans partners?  What can we do to reassure our trans partners that we ACCEPT them and it's not a big deal to us that they are trans???  What can I do to make my next relationship work better?

Hmm its hard to say, I think most trans sites manly are very mtf focus.
theres a few trans sites like FTMlover, Buck angel date, but the bad part is, you need to pay and it sucks.
theres also free sites like trans-passion, who manly is for mtf but theres also ftms.
and then theres Okcupid which neither is trans or gay but I heard alot of transfolks using it but I wish I could give some better links.

I dont know where your from but this is all worldwide sites of what I know.
im not bio but I been with bio guys, I did not really had worryes he would leave me for a bio guy, but I did had worries he would leave me during transition.

I really belive the only thing you can do is to just point straight out that you love him no matter what, you cant really do anymore, and if he dosent trust you then theres not more you can do.

you can give the horse water but you cant force it to drink as we say.

[Bostoncisguy]

Natkat, thanks so much!  I will take a look at those sites.  I am already on OKCupid, which is, as the name implies, just ok.  I wonder if you can actually search specifically for trans guys on OKCupid or do you have to just get lucky.  Maybe I have to edit my profile to say trans friendly or something like that.

As for my ex, it's totally over.  Yeah, he is in the middle of his transition, and he has been on T for a year, but has not had top surgery yet since he can't afford it yet. I tried so hard to convince him that I was extremely comfortable with everything--maybe I was even more comfortable than he was, lol!  He was worried that I would get impatient since it would probably be a couple of years before he could have top surgery, which I had no problems with.  It never occurred to him that maybe if someone loved you enough, they would be willing to help pay for things like surgery, and that he wasn't alone in his transition.  On the other hand, I wouldn't have wanted to make him feel like I was trying to buy his love by offering to help pay for it, but hey, you make sacrifices and if I had to choose between spending money on my cars (I am a HUGE car fanatic) or help paying for my partner's surgery, I would choose the surgery if it meant that much to him and his happiness.  I have been through a lot in my life, and it's made me a strong person, the type of person you want on your side when you're going through tough stuff like this.  Oh well, but that's over now.  On to the next guy I hope! I hope he isn't on here so he won't see this, but part of me kind of does hope he sees it, hahaha!

I can't thank everyone enough for listening to me vent!

[Padma]

You're best off saying you're trans-friendly in your profile - because obviously, many trans men just identify as men, so they're not necessarily going to mention their transness in their own profiles.

[DanicaCarin]

I know I'm like ridiculously new to this forum, so I thought maybe I'd dip my feet in by posting something relevant to my worries.
I'm gay. And I'm completely pre-op. I'm finding it very difficult to find a relationship with a guy- mostly because he's straight and I can't give him what he wants! I've tried to meet other guys who are into guys in some way or another, but most of them stay away because I'm pre-op, or they just aren't into "dealing" with a transgender dude. It really hurts to feel not wanted, I guess is the best way to summarize what I'm saying.  Are there any other gay guys here who understand, or have been through this? If so, please give me some advice! It's much needed.
Thanks!

Well, if it makes you feel "less" bad, we MTF have the same problems finding someone for an relationship. Not just the MTF that are into guys. Even us MTF who identify as Lesbian have to deal with women who won't accept a Female brain, emotional state, and a "Hybryd" body. Its either your a Boy or a Girl, and if your not in one of those you "FAIL" I know many Bi females who will only "be" with either MEN(Masculine men) or Women(Feminine women)! Its a separate ability to accept one of us(FTM/MTF)! Its rare, and those who are Blessed to have someone who feels like that is very lucky indeed!

Best,

The LONELY MTF(Lesbian)....

[Bostoncisguy]

You're best off saying you're trans-friendly in your profile - because obviously, many trans men just identify as men, so they're not necessarily going to mention their transness in their own profiles.

Thanks, Padma!  I will do that.  I wasn't sure if there was a way to filter things out or not, but that totally makes sense.  Why would you say in your profile that you're trans if you identify with your new gender?  Are there really a lot of guys on that site?  Wish me luck!

[dalebert]

You also need to be somewhat conscious of not being perceived as a "->-bleeped-<-". I'm not completely sure what attributes make one a ->-bleeped-<- vs. someone who is trans-friendly in a positive way. It has something to do with it being a fetish I think, but I think where that line is varies from one person to another and can be very fuzzy.

Where it seems obvious is if you see trans people simply as sexual objects and just want to have sex and get your rocks off and perhaps pursue more meaningful relationships with non-trans people.  I've heard stories. There apparently are people out there like that. (ew) But I've seen some trans guys interpret it much more broadly to the point where it seems like you could be perceived as a fetishist simply for finding your trans partner attractive exactly as he is, non-op parts included. It can be delicate ground to tread. I think if you are sensitive to things that can be triggers for dysphoria in your partner and you respect those things, you will probably be fine.

[Adam (birkin)]

You also need to be somewhat conscious of not being perceived as a "->-bleeped-<-". I'm not completely sure what attributes make one a ->-bleeped-<- vs. someone who is trans-friendly in a positive way. It has something to do with it being a fetish I think, but I think where that line is varies from one person to another and can be very fuzzy.

In my opinion, what makes someone a ->-bleeped-<- is when they think on some level, being with a trans person is different than being with a cis person (and implicitly, somewhat better). So sexually for example - making assumptions about how a trans person wants to have sex and finding that arousing. Or assuming that trans people have some differences in terms of personality that make them more attractive than cis people. Because as I see it, trans people are just as diverse as cis people, so to assume any "generalizations", whether they have positive intentions or not, makes the trans person "othered" based on their trans status. Like a lot of people like trans men because they think they are "brave." Not so. A lot of trans men I have met drive me nuts, and act really immature/cowardly (lol, now some people might worry if I mean them specifically).

Just my two cents there. I'm sure others will disagree.

[dalebert]

Just my two cents there. I'm sure others will disagree.

That sounds like prejudice to me which seems like something else than being a "->-bleeped-<-". I don't disagree with what you said though, as far as those being real issues that some people have. It makes perfect sense to be turned off by people who make assumptions about people just for being trans.

There's the other side of that coin too where someone could assume that trans people are sort of tragic and needy and people who seek out those they perceive to be desperate because they're actually insecure themselves. Those same types tend to avoid pursuing people whom they perceive to be confident and have good self-esteem.

But I suppose we're getting a bit off topic.

[Traivs]

I think part of it is when the attraction and intentions change due to you being how you are. For example there was this dude I was friends with for a while and I ran into him a month or two back we were chillin and playing video games but once he realized I was trans he made a note to say that he really likes trans men better than cis men and started trying to hit on me. I just want to think of myself as one of the dudes but once it changes because of that one little fact its different.

[Bostoncisguy]

Interesting.  Well, I don't want to be perceived as a ->-bleeped-<-.  That's gross.  I'm Asian and to me it's like those old white guys who like Asian boys that hit on me.  But can't you have preferences in men that don't make you a ->-bleeped-<-?  I like Latino guys for example.  Does that make me a Latino ->-bleeped-<-? 

[sneakersjay]

Boston Cis Guy: I met my SO on OK Cupid.  I was not out in my profile, though some guys are.  In fact, my SO had answered one of those gazillion OK Cupid questions that stated that he thought trans people should clearly state in their profile that they were trans.  I always looked to see what their answers to any trans questions were.

I did not come out to him until the 3rd date when it was clear he was really into me, and it was a non-issue.  I am post-op, though.  I did ask what if I was pre-op, would it matter, and he said he couldn't really say, but now that he knows me he doesn't think it would be an issue.

You might put some trans-friendly statement on your profile.  Not that it would attract trans guys, but they would know up front that it was not a turn off.

I don't get the whole ->-bleeped-<- thing; yes they exist, yes, they are gross, and I really just want people to accept me as male, not because I'm trans.  I am of trans history, but I'm just a regular guy with a small penis and a few extra scars. 

Jay

[Bostoncisguy]

You might put some trans-friendly statement on your profile.  Not that it would attract trans guys, but they would know up front that it was not a turn off.

Thanks!!!  I just put a tiny blurb saying that I was trans-friendly.  That's it.  Just to let people know it was not a turn-off like you said.  My last boyfriend was pre-op and on T and like I said before, it wasn't a problem for me, but rather a problem for him because he was so paranoid that it was going go be a potential problem for me...ugh long story!  Sorry I keep on bringing it up.

[Natkat]

Thanks, Padma!  I will do that.  I wasn't sure if there was a way to filter things out or not, but that totally makes sense.  Why would you say in your profile that you're trans if you identify with your new gender?  Are there really a lot of guys on that site?  Wish me luck!

I heard many transguys using it, I also tried it myself and seen people I know there so I would say yes.
but its really a long time ago I was there so I dont really know for sure, (I might try make a new account and check it out?
-
to be open in the profil
depends on the site, I have site I said I was trans on and some I dont, the good point in telling straight out your trans is well, then they know and theres no big surprize or comming out moment worried they might or not accept you.
the bad point is that 1 somethimes it might be the first people ask you about insteed of like getting to know you (and I do prefern getting to know people outside my pants insteed of inside out" 2, many people dont know the diffrence between mtf or ftm, and I had alot of ->-bleeped-<- lovers who contacted me on one site like. "hi your cute can I see you while your dressing up like a girl?" very annoying not to mention some just jugde you straight out without knowing anything about trans.

[Bostoncisguy]

Hahahaha, thanks, Natkat.

Sorry I kinda steered this thread a bit off topic.  So, back to you guys.  How did you figure out that a) you were trans and b) you were gay?  That must have been very confusing!  Or maybe it wasn't.  Feel free to elaborate.  I can't imagine how tough it must have been to figure it out.  I mean, it was hard enough for me to figure out my own orientation, and I'm still figuring it out.

<----P.S. Yay!  I have a face now!  Moving on up!  Now I don't feel like I am a talking computer although if my ex or his friends are on here, that would kinda be awkward.  Oh well!

[Natkat]

Hahahaha, thanks, Natkat.

Now I don't feel like I am a talking computer although if my ex or his friends are on here, that would kinda be awkward.  Oh well!

LOL yeah I tried that with a teacher on a site, kinda akward way to find out your teacher is gay and into hard anal.
--
well I had a couple of boyfriends when I was a kid but as I turned teen I really lived much like the steryotypical guy who really wanted to prove how manly I was all the time.
I should be though and hardcore, every little thing I did could be like.. "thats so girly" even when it wasn't. it was  just typical teens comparing each other in the straight-normative word of guys who thought there where the strongest and best and I think somehow being trans I had to prove myself even more than the cisgenders.

I was pretty religious while denying my sexualety, my famely is religious but they never really been any extreme or had any jugments for other sexualetys, it was just me who really didnt want to be femenine and gay and so like it was the worst thing. it was like I thought "but im a guy so I cant like guys" (and then later on it turned out I got pretty queer)

Anyway first time I fully knew I liked guys, I was on a soccer team and there where a guy there who made me fight. he was kinda this very maculine guy most of the guys looked up too, and he was great for competitions. he gave me alot of power in the rought time I had during the time (early in transition, famely issues and so), and general we became a good team on the soccer I had joined but on the other hand he also got to steal the girl I liked which make some kinda tense fellings between us.

I denyed I liked him for a long time and that I liked guys in general, he also denyed he liked me and our relationship was a big mess. (the girl I liked)her reacting me for not being a lesbian, him reacting me for not being gay, and deep down he admitted he actually might be bisexual.

after alot of drama, with her liking him, him secretly liking me, me liking both, we all got seperated
I didnt saw them anymore and years after they got together while I had a couple of chrushes on guys and girls.

Being bisexual is kinda confussing cause first I thought I was straight, then I thought I was gay, and bi, or maybe just gay? I have came to the conclusion im just bisexual who dosent really care, my famely dosent care and its way more easy than being trans.

I dont really like my memory on how I came out on my sexualety cause it was a very painfull time for me but what dosent kill you makes you stronger and I did learn alot from the experience and well also important im out of closet and I dont deny myself anymore.

[Paul]

Sorry I kinda steered this thread a bit off topic.  So, back to you guys.  How did you figure out that a) you were trans and b) you were gay?  That must have been very confusing!  Or maybe it wasn't.  Feel free to elaborate.  I can't imagine how tough it must have been to figure it out.  I mean, it was hard enough for me to figure out my own orientation, and I'm still figuring it out.

When I was 4 I remember asking myself why my brother and I were both male, but he had a penis and I didn't.  That's when I first knew my sex and gender didn't match up.  Situations like that kept re-occurring my entire life.  I didn't know the term Trans until college, so I didn't "officially" know I was Trans until then, but "unofficially" I've known since I was 4. 

I've always been attracted to men and the men I was attracted to were gay (making sense since I identified male; unfortunately they saw me as female) so once I started T and was starting to finally be seen as male it was easier to comfortably identify as gay.   

[Ayden]

Sorry I kinda steered this thread a bit off topic.  So, back to you guys.  How did you figure out that a) you were trans and b) you were gay?  That must have been very confusing!  Or maybe it wasn't.  Feel free to elaborate.  I can't imagine how tough it must have been to figure it out.  I mean, it was hard enough for me to figure out my own orientation, and I'm still figuring it out.

<----P.S. Yay!  I have a face now!  Moving on up!  Now I don't feel like I am a talking computer although if my ex or his friends are on here, that would kinda be awkward.  Oh well!

Yay for having a face!  I still haven't put my face up - I don't clean up nicely. 

As for being trans - I didn't figure it out really until I was in my early teen years. I didn't have much of an idea of what gender was as a kid because I played with a bunch of other country kids. It was a toughest kids get to play here sort of situation. Even in the cases where they said I was a girl and couldn't play I just punched them until they let me. It wasn't until I was about 11 and the physical differences as well as seeing how my dad treated my little brothers so differently I started to form a real idea. I had told my grandparents I was a boy, but they just assumed that I mean I was a tomboy like most kids in the area since we were just rough housing country kids. By the time I was 15 I was always looking for an escape. I read a lot and tried to take myself mentally somewhere else. At the library I found a book for LGBT youth, and that was my first exposure to the term transgender.

As for being gay - that was a rollercoaster. I could write a novel on how I finally figured it out. I was always attracted to guys. But, if I liked guys being a girl made that easier. But I didn't want to be a girl, I wanted to be a man. But only gay men like men, and I am lacking in all the male parts. Eventually I just accepted it. But the kicker - I'm married and my husband is gay. He refused to come out for years, and I'm male and I refused to say it for years. We're a special pair - dense as I'll get out. 

[Bostoncisguy]

Well, I don't have anything quite as interesting or inspiring to say since I'm just a bio guy and I like guys and some girls (mostly lesbians, go figure).  So I'll just admit to something that few people remember about me as a kid.  I asked for AND got a Barbie doll when I turned 8...yep...oh and I totally had a My Little Pony as well...and at the same time I played with Transformers and Matchbox cars.