Today, I would like to finally speak. I have tried to see it from a different perspective; I have tried to rationalize the mental, physical and spiritual abuse. I have tried to rationazlize betrayals, deceits, outright thievery, name calling, advantage taking and absolute and utter disregard. I have tried to say to myself that maybe I was wrong, maybe they did not mean it, after all, maybe...maybe...I have tried to make myself be "understanding" and in the process I realized that my needs were dwindled, my personality erased and I was turned into a slave, who was not allowed to say that he and she were a slave. How is that possible?
I would like to speak about males. I would specifically like to speak about gay males. As a senstive girl child, I always suffered more than anyone esle I knew. Most women agreed to mandatory dress codes, outlines of behavior, territory designed by patriarchy. They acted subservient around males though when called on it, they usually screamed and denied it... They denied the facts. I have learnt that women ALWAYS deny the facts because they are afraid to anger the men. Well, I wasn't cut out from the same cloth. Observing the outright cowardice, subservience and lip service, I grew terrified and fearful. Men openly abused women: they rationalized it. They punished women for speaking up and out and created terms like "bitch" and "whore." No matter how untrue these terms were, women did not seem to dispute them. Women, in fact, did not seem to dispute anything: don't make waves, they told me. Don't make waves. When in public and I spoke out they acted embarassed, as if it was I who was the abuser, and not a defender. "Look at yourself" I would tell her, "why do you shave? Why do you paint your face" Why do you give him sexual attention though you are sick to your stomach?" She would smile faintly and I would see a glimpse of tear in her eye. She would look at me for hours this way, then say: he's a man. I don't want to anger him. Or she would say another version of the same idea: boys will be boys. And I, I asked her? What about me? She said: it's bad to be a woman, don't got much choice. Gotta be happy with even what we have. At least they don't beat us now and we can work.
Yes, at least they don't beat us now and we can work. I will never forget your words. Never.
So, as I unravelled into a transsexual, with a strong and dominant but good, honest, honorable and protective male in me, I came across the fact that I was...gay. Homosexual. If I thought that I had it bad as a straight woman, boy was I mistaken! The gay men bashed me, mentally abused me and did horrible things to me. The person I was involved with would treat me as a man when it was convinient and when it was not, he would not. When I called him upon his broken promises, his violated oaths, his mental torture of me, do you know what he would say. with a smile. thinking I was going to repress it and forget it because I loved him too darn much: you feel like you don't exist, right? And you're right, you don't. Then he would pat me on the head and say: you are a victim, D. (This was my original name). Be nice now...
In the LGBTQ center gay men attacked me both verbally and physically. I got physically pushed, my feet were stepped on, I was pressed agaisnt the wall, spat right next to. "You **** crazy bold-headed bitch" was their term for me. The people in the center saw it, most women saw it and ...did nothing! But when I spoke back, ah, that is when the attacks came. It was amazing for me to learn that no other one woman hates as much as ...amother woman! Why?! And especially in such a situation, why did these women take the side of the aggressor? Why did men who were there in charge of our safety did nothing byt flipped the facts on their head?! Why was I unable to be safe among LGBTQ people and why was I supposed to take a back sit on the bus, because I am a transmale, a lesbian? Why did gay guys considered it ok to discuss me right in front of my face, as if I was an inanimate objects while when I would as much as sound like I was discussing them they dare to come up to us, if we are girls, and tell us to "shut up." They act as if it was their due! I have observed the same people speak among biological males: politeness, respect, humanity. Smiles. Friendshliness. Respect. But even with the female staff, with trans people, with lesbians there is: hissing, pushing over, outright hateful remarks about their wombs and vaginas. We are not in the zoo, this is a violation of human rights and an outright bigotry and discrimination. When a woman does the same, she might get arrested.
When a man would stand in line behind another man, there was no reaching over one's head, pushing over or nasty commenting. When a man would stand in line behind a woman, there were all the aforementioned things and more. That man would stand and listen to her conversation if she was having one witha friend or a brief exchange between her and the staff member. He would interrupt and get involved, steal away the thought and interfere. The women meekly smiled and stepped aside. They would NEVER turn the guys' comments down and allowed them to partake and enter their life ANYTIME, ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE these guys felt like. When it is done to me and I object, I get called names like "bitch", "stupid", "crazy", "insane", "rude".
Judging by the facts of how a woman has a limtied domain and has no safety for her person and is abused, spoken down to and humiliated EVEN IN FRONT OF HER FRIENDS OR SPOUSE OR/AND CHILDREN, did anything change? Did anything change from patriarchal abuse of females, to homosexual (this is a term for males only; women- are lesbians. Language is based on distinction of concepts and precission. Though althouhg this is what my gay friends practice, when I tryt to think or speak normally, they interrupt me and COMMAND!! me to speak...faster. They don't care for what I say but want me to get through it. Often, I found my ideas stolen from under me and presented as their own. My girlfriend resigned from a leading company because her boss would "milk her" or "harvest her" for ideas and then steal them away from her, like a Southern plantation owner would steal Black woman's babies, and give them away to...male associates. When my friend tried to protest, she got called names and terms, hinting at her "bitchiness" to her "incompetence" and threatening her, subtly, with early termination. They tortured her so mych that she was unable to go to the water cooler without her hands shaking. They would **** (mess around) with her psyche so much she had to go to mental insitution for months, and even now she is unable to appear in public without shaking. She has developed an agorophobia and cannot stand a sight of certain colors. She spent many day locked in the house, after the treatment. I suggested she sue the bastards, but she said to me: how can I prove it? You know the courts and the laws are all on their side. We only live an illusion of equality, but in truth, we are no better off than servant girls in the mid 18 century. Same disrepect, same hate, same misrepresentation. I agree. And, THERE IS NO LIFE AFTER THIS. HOW CAN ANYONE SUGGEST THAT? WHY DOES NOT ANYONE SUGGEST FOR OUTRIGHT RACISM-LIKE DISCRIMINATION TO STOP? THE PEOPLE THAT DID THIS TO HER, AFFECTED HER MIND. THIS IS NOT FUNNY. THIS IS NAZISTIC. THERE IS NO "LIVING LIFE AFTER." THERE IS NO ALLOWING IT. THERE IS NO "COPING" WITH IT. COPING WITH WHAT? WITH A BACK SEAT ON THE BUS? SEGREGATED FACILITIES? OUTRIGHT HUMILIATION AND ABUSE? PREFERNTIAL TREATMENT? MANY PEOPLE MIGHT THINK BECAUSE THEY HAVE THIS FANCY PSYCHOLOGICAL LANGUAGE FOR ABUSE, IT DOES NOT MEAN MUCH. AND WITH THE SAME LANGUAGE ANYONE WHO CALLS A BLACK PERSON A ">-bleeped-<" OR A JEW A "KIKE" SHOULD BE ANALYZED THE SAME WAY. WHY DON'T THEY GET ANALYZED? WHY TO SAY A "BITCH" OR A "HOE" IS NOT EDITED OUT LIKE ">-bleeped-<" OR "KIKE" OR "SPIK" OR "GUINEA"? WHY NOT? WITHIN THE DOMAIN, IT IS THE OFFENCE OF THE SAME LEVEL, IT IS OFFENCE ON THE SAME PRINCIPLE: PROHIBITED CRITERIA. WHY WHEN IT IS WOMEN ONLY, THE PSYCHOLOGICAL "WISE" LANGUAGE IS USED? WHY ARE WOMEN DYING AND GETTING SICK AND ABUSED DAILY AND NO ONE, BUT NO ONE SO MUCH AS MOVES THEIR FINGER TO CHANGE THAT?!) abuse of females? Actually, yes and no.
The abuse straight men render straight women is no different from abuse gay men render to queer women, lesbian women, as well as transger males, in that it is the same in content and is based on the same claim, it is..........................................................justified........................ by male's body!
White people are superior to black people because of their body.
Males are superior to females because of their body.
If you have a biology of a male, regardless fo your sexual orientation, you can abuse, steal, and speak to people disrespectfully, if these people are women or female bodied, and society will defend you. No one believed me when I spoke about the abuse I received from my teacher and boyfriend, and from my father. No one believed me when I even showed the bruises my roommate gave me. The first police team that arrived, laughed in my face. They have left me crying hysterically, by myself, in the house with a guy who physically and verbally abused me...He came out that evening and abused me some more. Even in the presence of another person, a guy, and my friend. That's the lesson of unaccounatability. If the police did not care, why would anyone else, right?! It took me 3 more times of police contacts and a presence and testimony of black male witness, for the second team to listen to me. Only then was the action taken. "Assault of a third degree," confirmed the police officer. "I don't understand how the fist team could overlook that!" And this is just one incident in my young life so far. There have been thousands. Thousands of incidents of mental and spiritual abuse, physical abuse, outright taking of advantage because of my gender and gender identity, all justified by making light of the word "abuse." "Ha ha, get over it", "Move on" "Life goes on" Comments adied by or substituted for bland and blank faces, nowhere to go, labels like "troublemaker" and "perpetrator". "Bitch" "unsatisfied" "crazy" "mental hospital" "retard" "stupid stinky immigrant" "hoe"
The thing that did change about abuse of those not in a male body, REGARDLESS what they identity is, is that: with the whole homophobia thing, women can't even mention the abuse gay men render them, without being called.... homophobic. The abuse I received was along the lines of my body, biology and my nature. The way God made me. I was born this way. It is like being born black of spanish or asian or gay. It is being born a woman. Gay men openly abused my breasts, making fun of them and suggesting either an injection or removal. They were saying nasty things about women breasts in general, very loudly and very publically. The said things about my womb, my sexual organs. They were making horrible comments about woman's vagina, in front of young girls, who got off school and were hanging aroud. The girls even stopped their conversation to listen. If I said something about men's penises in front of junior high school kids, I would be called a perpetrator and probably killed by "public opinion." They commented on my shaved head and spoke about it as if it was there time and place to mention how I should do with my hair. They are the authority, you see! They said nasty things about lesbians TO MY FACE. They passed by when I was talking to another girl, stopped and were listening, smirking and making dirty comments. When I as much as pass by flirting gay guys, they tell me to "get the hell out." Although we are all in the public space and I was walking through the hallway to get to my lecture. They refused to recognize me as a transperson, they said that they "should have more rights" and when I asked, they made a joke of it and added with a serious face" because, after all, I am the man." When I tried to tell others about how I felt about being a trans person and a gay and a lesbian, and how things in my life were happening, I got constantly interrupted and attention was shifted to gay men and their problems. Even if I only started telling about my life, I would get interrupted and the topic would be shifted to some boy or man. When I would attempt to finish my sentence, they would say: you are being selfish. Well, if you were my friend, I wouldn't be friends with you. And as my teacher and officially responsible for my well being, you are violating your duty. This is serious. And humanely, what is wrong with you? You think there are no societal measures to stop your abuse? You think there are no legal measures to stop your abuse? You think there are no human measures to stop your abuse? You think there is nothing women can do at all? You think your racism will go on much longer? I think you are mistaken. So, anyway, God forbid! I would try to ever talk about lesbian or trans issues: I was always called selfish. Always some subconscious message was sent that it was disgusting or bad. Its not like a COMMON VOTE could decide a topic of my race, gender, gender identity or nationality. IT WAS. And discrimination against it is a serious charge. A serious damage both to me, to others, to this country and to human race especially. There is nothing to make light of or about. Abuse and racism, nationalism, genderism and gender identity discrimination ARE NOT FUNNY NOR AMUSING. They are deadly and many people have been hospitalized, ended up committing suicide or being killed. Lesbians and queer women, transmen and straight women are 4 groups that are severely abused, mistreated, manipulated and underpaid. They are treated as if they were not human at all, but some stepping stone to the goal of gay male, queer male, transwoman and straight male. Do you know what some MTFs told me?! That we were an experiment! That people were just "training on us!" WHAT?!!!!!!!
The abuse gay men rendered me and my friends, as well as lesbian and trans community is even deeper. They always act impatiently and with disrespect and aggression towards developing young people like transguys are. When people are growing and developing, this is monstrous. Many of mothers or fathers who would be reading it, know, how deadly is rushing the kid and desroying the integrity of her or his being and way. Its a child abuse. And little and evolving transmen are children. Why do we get abused? No one there to help! Its like we are left top be slaughtered and die because we are guilty of a crime of HAVING FEMALE BODIES. This type of abusive and hurrying attitude kills anything gently, feminine and beautiful, this type of attitude is as deadly as placing a 10 year old boy in front of an army ready to fight, a 10 year old boy with a toy gun. This is what abusing developing transpeople and lesbians equates to. Our needs are diferent and no one has ever bothered to pay attention to THAT. But an 11 year old girl gets censored for the TONE she uses?! Or for a dress she wears? How important is that in comparison of young people not having a right to their own bodies?! Why nobody censors the abuser? Why is he allowed to abuse? Gay men have no desire to understand our needs, nor desire to repect feminity.I was called less of a man because I point-blank refused to gain "respect and love" by "bashing" females and calling then names. As a transguy, I stood up to ALL other transmen saying horrible things about females and female kind. I am not many enough? And who is a man enough, the one that beats a woman up, yells at her, deprives her and humilates her? The name for such people is "abusive and in need of treatment."
"Gay" changes very little in who these men still are: males who really, truly hate females. The hate is so obvious, it spills over and all over the place. When a white person displays this type of a hatred for black person, it is called "racism." I use males bathrooms often, as a transsexual male. Do you know how many conversations you coudl overhear there, while on the pottie? Not on purpose, they are usually VERY loud. About 89% of these conversations feature some kind of woman-hatred. It could be a straight woman that is an honored topic, a lesbian woman or "these *** trannies." When women say anything remotely similar about men: they are men haters. When women say something remotely similar about gay men: they are homophobic. When women try to speak up and to speak out about the abuse they have received, they are...still haters and homophobic.
I wonder, though, where does all that feminity and womanhood go in a screaming, foaming at the mouth, pushing you to the curb, cutting the line, speaking obnoxiously and rudely and hatefully gay man? What happenes to his feminine attire? Why are MTF the meanest people on earth and get upset when you don't act "feminine" as if my acting "feminine" simply because I have a female body, was expected and necessary for them to be who they are? Leave me alone! Why are you moderating me and my masculinity? You are the one who is an MTF, so why do you harass a transguy? Why do they think they have a right to abuse people in a female body? Why hide behind another label, like patriarchy done forever a simple but true fact: MEN HATE WOMEN. THEY HAVE NEVER TREATED THEM HUMANELY AND THEY DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER THOSE IN FEMALE BODIES, HUMAN. A concept of "real woman" is an artificially made female, whereas a real woman gets relegated to "crazy bitch" or "carpet muncher". ?
Do you know what people at my FTM meeting said? about 97% of them? "If society was different towards women, we would NEVER take hormones no have operations. I just can't stand it anymore. It is horrible. Life is much better as a man, society treats you with respect and love. You don't even need to do much..All is allowed." Then I watched these people, only about 4 months down the road, start talking about women as "bitches and hoes" and talk about their sexual organs and natures like the most misogynistic straight guy would. Do you not see what's happening? Old pattern of abuse and hate does not stop. It changes form, but it remains. Now transmen trash women. And gay men still trash transmen, and they elevate breast and vagina in an MTF, but when these breast and vagina are from birth, on a woman, then they are disgusting. I think the problem could be a complete and utter spoiling of male children and a complete and utter disregard of female children..
I don't care. I WANT THE ABUSE TO STOP. YOUR BEING GAY DOES NOT EXCUSE YOU FROM ABUSING ME. I DON'T ***** OWE YOU ANYTHING. NO, ITS NOT "UNDERSTOOD" THAT "GAY MEN HATE WOMEN." IF YOU HATE ME, YOU ARE A HATER. AND YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. AND YOU SHOULD SEEK COUNCIL. IF YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I HAVE A SET OF BREASTS AND A VAGINA, YOU ARE INSANE. YOU SHOULD NOT BE AROUND INNOCENT PEOPLE FOR THEM TO BECOME YOUR VICTIMS.
ENOUGH.
