Changing feelings

[Sara Murphy]

I will keep this one short because I just don't have the energy today to write a lot.

So, for the last three months all I have thought about was becoming a woman.  Awake, daydreaming, dreams at night, and unconscious thoughts that woke me up at four in the morning.  I started seeing a therapist, plotted out my strategy, started working out to lose weight and build a more feminine shape, and even did a little shopping.  I was gung ho, straight ahead!  Then yesterday...nothing.  Not a God damn thing! 

All I want to know is what the hell???!!! 

How can I go from so sure to absolutely nothing in the blink of an eye? 

[Beverly]

Do you mean you do not want to be a woman any more?

[Sara Murphy]

I mean that the overwhelming desire and need to transition into a women that I had up until Saturday went away on Sunday.  Now I am just content being a dude for the moment.

Is it supposed to flip-flop like that?  If so, not cool.  Not cool at all brain.

[Shawn Sunshine]

It flip flops for me even worse than that

[Beverly]

I mean that the overwhelming desire and need to transition into a women that I had up until Saturday went away on Sunday.  Now I am just content being a dude for the moment.

Is it supposed to flip-flop like that?  If so, not cool.  Not cool at all brain.

It came and went for me too. Sometimes I buried it, sometimes it seemed to leave me alone, but it was always there, it always came back and each time it was stronger and stronger. If you feel that it is no longer right to transition then stop transitioning. The real question is this - has the dysphoria gone away or are you just less bothered by it?

[Sara Murphy]

Oui!  I guess all I can say is that for the last two days it has not been all consuming.

So, it will get worse when it comes back, ah?  Someone ring the bell, I want to get off this bus now.

I guess this is my fear.  When I get another wave of this and it takes me into transition.  What if it takes a weekend off again?  Well, I will kind of be up the creek at that point won't I?

[Incarnadine]

It is those periods of doubt that frustrate me the most.  The times when I wonder if this is another role I'm assuming to escape a reality that I do not like.

[suzifrommd]

Certainly works that way for me. In social situations presenting male, I want people to see me as a female so badly it hurts. When I'm alone minding my own business, I still want the body parts, but it's a dull ache, easy to ignore.

[Rita]

You can't keep the same intense passion forever.  Its not that you have given up being a woman its just finding momentary blankets of contentment.

Goal is to eventually be like "so what I am a woman" whats so exciting =P  This be mah life!

Of course transition is exciting and at every step you will find yourself with untold bursts of excitement and periods of waiting and contentment.  Since hormones, surgery, everything doesn't just happen overnight we do indeed have to wait relax.

[oZma]

think of it this way... cisgender people don't think about wanting to be their gender all the time.  you can't consistently think about wanting to be female or male because so much of life experience is gender neutral. 

sometimes girls don't feel like being girly and dress scrubby? does that mean she wants to be a man?

I think you're putting too much emphasis on your sense of urgency to guide your way which I will admit I was guilty of also :-)

[Seyranna]

Still, there's a fundamental difference between having the visceral conviction that you ARE a woman and the fleeting fantasy of wanting to become one.

[oZma]

I've never once felt like I am a woman... to say that I must know what other women feel like.  that goes the same for feeling like a man.  all I know is how I feel, ill admit now I am female but during and before  transition I would never say I am a women or God forbid a trapped women... read Julia Serrano - whipping girl

[Marcia]

Could it be that by taking steps to transistion that your mind feels more at peace? LIke your mind knows that you are progressing toward your true self so it takes some time off to cool down.

[Jayne]

Once I came out & saw a gp the urgency died away for me a little, I think this is because I was able to tell myself that I was finally taking action.
Over the last couple of years i've had times when the urge to go to work as Jayne has been almost unbearable, even though everyone knew I was going to transition I couldn't go as Jayne for medical reasons.

I've started going out as Jayne since I had my name change witnessed last week as it feels wrong having a female name & presenting as male, I only do quick shopping trips & pick the quieter areas to shop, when i'm at home i'm Jayne all the time but I remove my make-up before it wrecks my skin, each time I go out I feel more comfortable as me.
The effect over the last few days is that my obsession with transitioning has died down again, this leads me to believe that as i've passed another milestone it's given me some breathing room.

I was wondering if your change in feelings may just be your minds way of telling you that you've made a breakthrough & you can relax for a bit?

[Jayne]

Could it be that by taking steps to transistion that your mind feels more at peace? LIke your mind knows that you are progressing toward your true self so it takes some time off to cool down.

Lol, you posted at the same time as me & managed to say in a few sentences what took me an essay, I salute your superior linguistic skills

[Carlita]

Could it be that by taking steps to transistion that your mind feels more at peace? LIke your mind knows that you are progressing toward your true self so it takes some time off to cool down.

This ... and also ...

I don't know if this is of any help, but this is a metaphor I used to explain to a friend how I could go through those very same cycles of being totally consumed by dysphoria one day and apparently seeming free of it the next ..

"Imagine a beach. When the tide is in, it looks like there is nothing but sand and water. But then, when the tide goes out, the wreck of an old ship is revealed, and suddenly that wreck becomes the single most arresting sight on the beach. The wreck is like my dysphoria. There will be long stretches when my psychological/emotional tide is high and the dysphoria is invisible. But then the tide goes out and suddenly the dysphoria dominates everything and is absolutely inescapable."

But here's the thing that goes with that ... no matter how often the tide comes up, it ALWAYS goes back out again. If you have dysphoria, it's not going to go away. It may hide for a while, but it comes right back again, just when you aren't expecting it. So don't be fooled when it's hiding ...

[Kelly J. P.]

 It was sort of always in the back of my mind. I could forget about the need to transition when I was with people, at times, but when left alone it haunted my mind constantly.

It was there when I spoke, or when I found a mirror. I couldn't stand my appearance or my sound.

[justmeinoz]

Perhaps you are one of these people who are fluid, and can operate as either man or woman, both or neither.  Attitude is everything in gender questions, the  main thing is don't worry about it, just accept that it can change and enjoy the new insights it can bring.
Right now I feel like I am living outside gender altogether, and quite happy just being a human of predominantly female form.  It could change tomorrow, but I just view it all as part of life's rich tapestry.

Karen.

[Sara Murphy]

Still, there's a fundamental difference between having the visceral conviction that you ARE a woman and the fleeting fantasy of wanting to become one.

At the end of the day this is what it really comes down to isn't it.  Am I honestly and truly TG or am I just a deviant fat old man pervert.  I mean, I have had these thoughts of womanhood since my earliest teens, but for the most part they would just exist in the background.  Then this summer they exploded into the forefront.  I is kind of like this:  Warning science lesson.

The neurons in your brain are constantly receiving signals and impulses, but 99% of them are to weak to initiate a response.  Then there is a pulse that shoots the membrane potential of that neuron through the roof and that is when you have a thought or a muscle movement.

Well, for years I have had the smaller jolts of feeling the need to be a women and then BAM!  full blast electrical impulse.  And I lived that for three full months.  So I have to believe that there is more at play here then an amped up fetish.

Once I think I am starting to figure things out and some of the puzzle pieces of my being start to fit together and then it is taken away.  It is not fair!  Seriously, who is playing with me up there!

Perhaps you are one of these people who are fluid, and can operate as either man or woman, both or neither.  Attitude is everything in gender questions, the  main thing is don't worry about it, just accept that it can change and enjoy the new insights it can bring.

Maybe, but I would much rather be on one side or the other.  I am a person that likes to live in a world of 1's and 0's.  This either are or their not.  Being stuck in the middle causes me great fear.  If I am on the middle I am neither on or the other, just stuck in limbo.  Frankly that I where I am now and it is constantly weighing on me.  There needs to be only one me, not part of me over here and another part over there, and a small bit me me stuck up in a tree like a scared kitten.

Could it be that by taking steps to transition that your mind feels more at peace? Like your mind knows that you are progressing toward your true self so it takes some time off to cool down.

It would be consoling if that were the case, but I really have not done anything to drastic in my opinion.  The therapist has been useless to this point and I think this week will be my last meeting with her.

I've never once felt like I am a woman... to say that I must know what other women feel like.  that goes the same for feeling like a man.  all I know is how I feel, ill admit now I am female but during and before  transition I would never say I am a women or God forbid a trapped women... read Julia Serrano - whipping girl

Then how did you make the decision to start taking that handful of pills?  I do not mean to drudge anything up, but I kind of feel this same way.  When the therapist asked me if I feel like a women I answered:  "I have no idea, I have never lived as a women."  Maybe this is one of my hangups then.  I do not know how the other half lives.  On a side note I have not heard good things about that particular book.  Care to give me a quick book report?

It is those periods of doubt that frustrate me the most.  The times when I wonder if this is another role I'm assuming to escape a reality that I do not like.

Maybe this is just my brain telling me that reality has set in.  Maybe I just do not have it in me to do everything that needs to be done to transition.  Both mentally and physically.  For God sakes I am built like a frickin' linebacker (all be it one who played soccer) and no amount of pills or mannerisms practice is going to change my bone structure.  My brother told me over the summer that I should start going back to the gym because I have the body structure to be huge. 

All I really want to do right now is yell and swear a lot, but don't want to get suspended from the board.

I just feel cheated again.  I felt cheated before I accepted what I am and now I feel cheated because it has been taken away.  When the feelings come back I am going to have a long talk with them and let them know that they are either moving in or its time for them to move out for good.  I can't have them taking summer vacations on my couch. 

[Randi]

After 5 years on HRT and significant feminization, I had much the same thing happen.

I took some microgest for a few days and my long dormant penis started to be active again.  It occurred to me that having a penis and using it to please a woman is not a bad thing at all.

I thought I was ready to go through SRS and all that that entails, but suddenly it seemed totally un-necessary

I thought: "OK, so I know I'm a woman and I'm gay so I want to make love to women but wouldn't be be OK to keep this penis and see if the gals like it".

I really think it was the progesterone because I haven't had an erection suitable for penetration in over a year.  Suddenly I was a man again.

Randi

I was gung ho, straight ahead!  Then yesterday...nothing.  Not a God damn thing! 

All I want to know is what the hell???!!! 

How can I go from so sure to absolutely nothing in the blink of an eye?