overwhelmed...help?

[Brianna Evelyn]

Hello everyone...so I've been experience some incredible anxiety and deep sadness over the past 2 weeks regarding my gender presentation and gender dysphoria.

The depression and profound anxiety have gotten to the point where I'm barely leaving my room let alone my house except to walk the dogs 3 or 4 times a day and water our garden for about 45 minutes every day.

So I took half a bottle of antidepressants in February in what I later realized was a terrifying cry for help and just an expression of my profound depression over being a trans woman but stuck in a man's body.  That episode released a lot of inhibitions in regards to my transsexuality and forced me to really come out to all of my friends and family, which was a tremendous, joyful relief.

I spent the rest of February, March, and April expressing myself in a much more feminine way (some clothes, make-up, hair style), and really started to come to accept myself as trans.  I was doing great.

But then I went home from college (where I had been living since January) to my small home town to live with my family.  Without any support from friends I quickly grew very depressed.

So I spent May to the end of July pretty much constantly suicidal and most days unable to get out of bed.  I felt completely alone and despite the fact that I had come out I just couldn't believe that I would ever be able to transition and be the woman I was on the inside.
But then an intervention happened and a family member invited me to live with her in a large city a few hours away.  I moved in with her 8 weeks ago.  The first 6 weeks of this experience living in the city have been wonderful.  I suppose it's quite similar to the positive culture shock I felt when living in Europe and South America.  But then the "honey-moon" phase I suppose just wore off and for the past two weeks I've had bouts of incredible anxiety and just very profound sadness and feelings of hopelessness.

This is mostly because I tend to stay stable by talking with people about how I'm feeling and getting support through face to face communication with friends.  The problem is I'm nowhere near any of my friends and they seem quite busy with their lives and don't contact me unless I contact them first...which makes me feel like they don't really like to be around me and that I'm some sort of burden to them...so I'm stuck feeling incredibly isolated despite being in a wonderfully accepting city in terms of LGBT people.

I've even checked out a few lgbt and even trans-specific community centers, but most of the people that I've met have been struggling middle aged latina and black prostitutes at these places and frankly as a young white middle class girl there was definite tension and they just treated me very coldly.  I ended up stopping my weekly visits there because I didn't feel welcomed.

Well there's a few other trans or otherwise lgbt organizations here, so I suppose I could check them out.  I tried going to another trans meeting, and I went, but 95% of them were older trans women in their 60's who seemed bitter and resentful about not transitioning when they were my age (22).  So it was just awkward and they didn't seem very welcoming either.

I'm not interested in the night club/bar scene here in the city because frankly I've gotten myself into really risky sexual situations when I get into that atmosphere of drugs and alcohol and superficial sex.  I like being in bed around 10pm every night so I can get up at 8am and walk the dogs and water the plants before it gets too hot.

I just...I guess I'm just venting here.  Now with the watering and walking the dogs I'm experiencing EXTREME anxiety when people walk by or I walk by other people.  I worry that they're thinking horrible things about me or just thinking of me as some dude in women's clothes or judging me...this makes meeting people and having small talk incredibly difficult and exhausting for me.

I didn't used to feel like this and it's frankly making me really think over this transition..I don't want things to be this hard all the time.  I just start HRT a week ago and quit smoking 2 weeks ago....so there's that added stress and the past several days it's just caused me to stay inside and just cry throughout the day in random bouts.

I want people I can talk to and share things with...real companionship.  I just feel so alone.  Oh and I'm also feeling like an incredible burden to my aunt who invited me to live here for free and now that I'm depressed I know I'm not easy to be around...and I can't go back home because I think I would just kill myself in isolation and from being in a toxic family situation...but I feel like I'm just completely overwhelmed right now.

I know transition is the right thing for me, and I'm happy that I'm now presenting full time (2 weeks)...I guess it's just a LOT of change and it's incredibly stressful which triggers depression and anxiety.

I mean I've moved to the city which I've never lived in before, I started presenting full time as my inner woman, I quit smoking 2 weeks ago, I started HRT  1 week ago....and to top it all off the weather's getting colder and I HATE winter because I'm always sadder in the colder months.  Oh and apparently I pass physically because I'm called ma'am and miss all the time casually but the second I open my mouth I get SLAMMED in the chest with sir and it really, really hurts...yet I have no money for voice therapy...it's just a lot of stuff right now and I feel like I'm drowning slowly.

I just feel incapable right now of meeting new people or even just talking authentically with potential friends.  I get so nervous that I just end up going back inside and crying before I can go anywhere the past several days.  I'm a mess and I'm really really having a hard time with all this.

Any suggestions or support would be really appreciated. I never knew this would be so tough.  OH and my bloody chest is sore to top it all off...ouch...

And yes I go to weekly individual and group therapy, both trans specific...they're the only social interaction I've been getting for the past few weeks, other than hanging out with the cat and dogs and worrying constantly that I'm a burden to my aunt who I'm living with whenever we talk....it's just not enough and I don't know what to do and I'm OVERWHELMED emotionally....

[suzifrommd]

B. E., try finding one or two activities that you enjoy - that help you appreciate life, and feel like yourself. For me, for example, those would be taking walks, reading and writing. For other people, they might be cooking, playing with pets, hiking, bicycling, running, sewing, yoga, etc.

Find what those are for you, and then do them. Make dates with yourself to do them. Learn to appreciate your own company by doing things you like. Trans or cis, meeting people is easier if you are more comfortable with yourself.

Also get in touch with how you can bring joy into other people's life. Don't think about connecting or making friends, just about how you can make a positive difference in someone else's life. Make sure you don't lose too much of yourself, and that you set healthy boundaries. This will help draw your mind away from your emotional issues and toward others.

Good luck Brianna.

[Beverly]

Moving is stressful so that does not help. Quitting smoking is stressful so that is more stress to pile on top. You worry about your voice... even MORE stress.

And you wonder why you feel down?

Why not work on your voice? Anything you can do to improve it will be good and it may remove a source of stress. Start with YouTube videos or even the Voice section here at Susans. You will soon get used to living in your new town and that will help ease things as well.

You sound like you have a lot going on at present..

[Seras]

You got some stuff going on 

What with the recent giving up of smoking and the HRT I think you were bound to feel a bit emotionally fragile you know? Especially since you say it started around the same time you gave up smoking then went on the HRT shortly after. I think anyone going through such a change in chemical input to their body is gonna feel a bit off!

I sure wish I was living in the city though. Even if I did have to give up smoking

[Carlita]

Baby steps ... If we look at our problems as one huge massive mess of stuff, they always seem impossible to overcome. So break them down into smaller packages. Take each issue one at a time and then, within that, think of something you can do to affect some tiny part of it. Like BRC said, just do something to help with your voice, maybe download some software, or go online, find some simple vocal exercises and spend an hour or two working on them. Then same again the next day ... little by little you'll find your voice is getting better ... No, it's not going to be perfect straight away, any more than a fat slob can suddenly become a marathon runner ... but you can make definite improvements. And every little positive thing you can do, no matter how small, helps keep the blues away.

[Jayne]

Concentrate on the positives, you say you can pass as female until you speak & this is a huge bonus.
I hardly ever pass so going out is very difficult, I only go out to walk the dog (at night) & to do quick shopping trips.

If it's your voice giving you away then start by learning to say key phrases as female "yes, please", "thank you" etc. it's possible to interact with shop staff without saying much more.

You have a safe roof over your head & a family member to support you, these are positive things.

Remember that the glass is half full, take each day one at a time & try not to worry about what MAY happen in the future.

Best wishes wrapped in a big hug

[JoanneB]

I always found that chipping away at the easy problems, or low hanging fruit, helps me immensly in getting over my feelings of being overwhelmed by my life. You have tried taking some ver positive steps. I have heard from others in my group the usual experience seems to be trying many others before finding one that feel right. Perhaps someone at your group therapy session can turn you on to other groups? Asking questions and asking for help is easy, though I must confess I often find it impossible to do.

Staying away from bad places for you is also a great step. I know there is a very fine line for me when I drink between Just One, and One too Many. It makes it extremely difficult for me to be in a bar or club.

If you have any hobbies or interests outside of the trans world, in a decent size city there are bound to be clubs or groups that meet up once a month or more. The local library is a great resource for finding out about them.

I have a naturally deep voice. Much deeper than the norm for males. Like makeup skills, your voice also takes lots and lots of practice. There are some simple free tools that you can down load to help with the practice. All you need is a microphone and headset. I also recommend the Find your female voice DVD. I believe it is put out by Deep Stealth productions. The price is very reasonable.

Now that you started HRT you may find your moods and outlook improving. I've been on and off low dose HRT several times for just that reason.

[Kevin Peña]

Ok, first of all, don't worry about what random strangers think. I do sprint workouts in the middle of the street in winter with nothing but a t-shirt, sneakers, and shorts. Do people stare at me? Yes. Might they be judging me? Yes. Do I care? No. I know this is nowhere near as severe as your situation, but the basic premise still applies. Don't let yourself worry about the thoughts of random strangers you pass in the street. They DO NOT KNOW YOU. They don't have your contact information and they probably won't ever see you again, being in the city. Even if they do see you again, do you really think they'll remember you? Most likely not. You are just random people to each other.

As for your voice, just get a recording device. Try different pitches and whatnot until you get a voice that sounds female. This is a cheap version of voice therapy.

If you physically pass and your voice is all you need to work on, once you have the voice down try going anywhere. The library, arcade, whatever. Meet some people and just talk to anybody about anything. I do it all of the time and strangers can be good conversation partners. You need to get out into the world and try to live. If you don't, then of course you'll regret transitioning, because that is what's keeping you hindered. That and your lack of confidence. Don't let anything hold you back from living life to the fullest. Squeeze as much joy as you can out of any situation. If you don't confront the problem now, you'll never solve it.