Despite finding haircuts that I think would look good on me, I can't overcome the anxiety of going to hair places. They try to do one of two things: they try to make me look "pretty" and don't cut it the way I want, or they cut it too short, which honestly just doesn't work for a guy like me, and makes passing even harder.
The thought of going anywhere to get it done now makes me sick, and I'm almost desperate enough to try cutting it myself. But I'd end up bald. I know it's because I don't pass that I am so bloody anxious. Almost 7 months on hormones and it just never happens. When they gender me female and try to make me look "pretty" it just reminds me that everything was wrong when i was born. If I was born cis, chances are, I'd be seen as male. I just hate myself so much.
And beyond this, my aunt is not inviting me to my cousin's birthday party. I expected this as they don't like me being around with my transition, and don't want my cousins to know...but they're not inviting my brother now because he refuses to talk about my transition like it's a mistake. He's sad because he's been hiding the fact that he is gay for family support, but now he's at a point where he feels he has nothing to lose because they reject him anyway because he supports me.
