Tonight, my mom asked me why my ex-partner often got her presents (from me) late. She meant it as an innocent question, but for some reason it just really hit me. It probably made my ex feel like I didn't care enough to pick out a present far enough in advance. Realistically, I sent them because our anniversary was January 18, so I figured it was fine if both came around the same time. But I never told her that, and she always got my presents to me so I could open them on Christmas day. I am almost certain she felt that I didn't care as much as she did, because she felt that way in so many other parts of our relationship.
So now I'm sitting in my room crying. *sigh* On T, the most I ever get is a few tears welling up in my eyes, but there's tears on my cheeks right now. I'm over my ex...I know that we had our problems and it would have been a struggle to work out our communication issues. I also am ready to date other people and I believe there are many people out there I could happily spend a life with.
But I feel like such a failure as a man. When I met my ex, I saw how people in her life took her for granted and made her feel unloved. But I loved her. And I told myself that they were crazy, and that I would always show my love for her. That I'd always give her the love and respect she so deserves. That I'd protect her heart from all the pain in the world. And I failed. I failed in so many little ways. At a certain point, she didn't feel loved or valued in the way she should have. I loved her with all my heart but for so many reasons I wasn't able to show it. I can't help but wonder how many times that made her cry.
I don't want to do that to anyone again. How do I know I won't be the same next time around? "She'll always know how much I love her", only to make someone feel unloved and alone. I had good intentions the first time, and that got me in the exact opposite place I swore I'd be.
I'm just going to go into the shower and cry pathetically. I feel like such a horrible person right now.
