My grandma (who is really unaccepting of my transition) had me over today. I'm at the point where I can't even look at her in the eye, because I know she could (and would) look me dead in the eye and still see a woman.
I actually didn't have too much of an issue with the misgendering and birth name, until out of nowhere she said "MISS!" and I almost blew up and yelled "I am NOT a miss." I held back though, because one of our family members is in the hospital again and it seems less and less likely that she will be with us much longer. I don't want to be the centre of any fights right now so I am leaving the name and pronoun issue alone. In a few years, when things get better with transition, I will look back at most of this and at best, laugh. At worst, I will be angry and feel bitter when the memories come. Whatever.
Honestly, the misgendering sucks, but it is nothing compared to the feeling of feeling unable to look someone I love right in the eye. My body language also gets very defensive around her. She sat beside me and I turned away, crossed my arms and legs, until I realized it looked a) stupid and b) very unnatural. It makes me sad, because I love her so much, but I can't quell the anxiety no matter how hard I try. I'm not that person she is trying to see.
