What made you unhappy today? v2.0

[Adam (birkin)]

Zits, it's because you're going through puberty again! 

I know, but on the gel my skin was as near flawless as it's ever been. Injections, who new story. Oh well. The gel was a pain in the butt so I'll just see a doctor lol.

[Nero]

Season 3 of a show I like finally started after a pretty long absence and I was so looking forward to it. Well, I just watched it. Lo and behold it has joined the ranks of shows that are offensive to trans people. Not even the fact that my favourite character will be around more makes me feel better.

What show may I ask?

[Felix]

I've been sinking further and further into apathy for months now and I don't know how to stop it. Used to be I'd go hiking or rollerskating or get time off from Leah and go do volunteer work in some new context. Since the last surgery though I haven't been able to hike or rollerskate and because of budget cuts my access to respite care has been cut in half. I don't want to use it for volunteer work.

Leah keeps putting boogers on walls in places she thinks we won't notice. When I ask her to bathe she runs the water and gets wet but doesn't wash and I'm not sure how okay it is to walk in on a naked teenager and show her for the umpteenth time how to clean herself. I don't even try to explain it anymore when my kid is smelly and talking to herself. It can't be fair to her that I so treasure the time she's asleep and my phone isn't ringing about incident reports and appointments. She didn't ask to be the way she is. Sometimes I wish she could stay as little as she acts. I worry about how this will go as we both age.

[Edge]

What show may I ask?

Lost Girl.
Added to that, my friend said "minorities sometimes read too much into things" when I told her that. Gee thanks for being invalidating and pushing one of my triggers for no good reason. (She hasn't seen the episode.)
Also, I had a bad dream about my sister last night. The sad thing is, she was just being herself. That's what made it bad.
And I got the pleasure of waking up and checking my facebook to find one of my friends swearing at me and calling me an idiot. Why do I deserve such treatment? Because I posted a thing on cinnamon and honey for colds. Wow.
The day care told me to come get my son because he "has a fever." My son is lethargic when he has a fever. He was literally bouncing when I picked him up. Am I the only one who sees a discrepancy here?

[AlexxToDream]

I ordered something online and sent to the wrong address. Oops, not so much unhappy as more of a dumb moment. Now I must wait longer for my books.

[Adam (birkin)]

The conversations I've had over the past couple of days have really driven home how much of my life is run by fear. I let fear govern basically every decision I make, and it's made me feel truly unhappy with myself.

I'm scared to confront my family directly about the name and pronoun issue. But I have no reason to be. First of all, it's 99% likely that it won't affect my living situation. My parents don't agree with my transition, but, they seem to have come to realize that this is something I need to do. They've reluctantly accepted my HRT, and they will probably understand that I will need to stand my ground with certain family members regarding the name issue. They think it is a choice, but they know I will never change my mind. Second - let's take that 1% chance that it makes them freak out and I have to find alternative living arrangements - I have more than enough money saved, and I make enough money right now. If things hit the fan, I could handle myself and be just fine.

Do any of my other fears really matter? As long as I have a roof over my head, and I'm not getting beat, I'm really not afraid. Rejection would hurt, but not as much as the way I currently feel.

And then there's just other little things. I'm afraid to correct the students who misgender me (no one has, yet...but they will). I, and everyone else I work with, has always referred to me consistently as male, and yet people still see so much female that they call me "she" anyway. And I let it slide instead of saying "I'm not a she." Because I am afraid to lose my job. But again, irrational. Everyone I work with knows I am trans and has been incredibly supportive. They all use the right pronouns and more than one person in charge has told me if anyone EVER gives me crap, to tell them right away and they will "deal with it." Lol. Seriously though, I have so much support but that small fear leaves me hiding away in shame instead of just correcting someone.

If a service person calls me ma'am over and over, I just spend the rest of the day feeling terrible ("I still look like a woman and I will forever") instead of just telling the person "it's sir." What are they going to do? More than likely they will apologize because they deal with jerks all day and the last thing they need is to offend someone. And if worse comes to worse they'll probably just think "wtf, that person looks like a girl" but not say anything because they just want to get on with their job and go home. I've worked in customer service, I know how it is.

I've always wanted to run, even when I was thin and in great shape - but I've been scared so I never have. I've always wanted to take more trips alone, but no, too scared.

I was waiting for the bus today, after having a really nerve wracking day, and the thought just popped into my head...I truly do not care anymore. The way I feel right now, ruled and shamed by fear, is hell. Letting my fears win used to be comforting, and offered me safety, but now, it turns out all I did was create my own hell and I can't live here anymore.

As I face my fears it'll probably get a lot worse before it gets better, but meh. Anywhere's better than here. You know what the saddest part is? All in all, I have it made. I'm not homeless or poor. No one is trying to beat me up or kill me. The people I work with are 100% supportive, all the way - and it's actually a really great job. I also enjoy my master's program. I have friends I can talk to every night. Some aspects of my situation are so envy-worthy and I can't even enjoy the blessings I have because I'm paralyzed. Some aspects of my situation are rewards for a lot of time, effort, and work I put in, and I'm not even able to enjoy the fruits of my labour.

[suzifrommd]

The conversations I've had over the past couple of days have really driven home how much of my life is run by fear. I let fear govern basically every decision I make, and it's made me feel truly unhappy with myself.

I know it's crappy to face all this, but trust me, this is a really positive step. You can't move in the direction of improvement without seeing everything that needs to be improved. Seeing will lead to fixing.

[Shantel]

Casey,
    You and a lot of us go through this daily, so you're not alone! Fear is the big hammer used by world powers to keep lesser nations in line. The U.S. and the former Soviet Union kept the rest of the world in compliant submission for years playing the antagonist/protagonist card bludgeoning people and nations with the fear of annihilation. What goes on in our daily lives is really no different, but just on a lesser scale. Our fear then is the result of self perceived failure, each failure seeming like a small crushing death of the dream of who we are. Somewhere within each one of us there comes a time when we have to set our resolve to no longer allow this demon of fear to hold us in it's cruel bondage any longer.

[Constance]

An email went out to our customers announcing that the Company had been bought by another company. Our customers, mostly medical "professionals", are replying to this announcement with unbridled hostility and condescension.

And we in support get these things. I wish the reply address had been PR or marketing instead of support.

[BunnyBee]

Somebody close to me was having a bad day yesterday and said some things to me that made me feel pretty much worthless even though I don't think she actually meant it.  Now, not only did it affect me yesterday, but today I still feel depressed and it's going to probably continue for a while.  I can't remember the last time I felt this way or cried because I felt sorry for myself and it makes me feel pathetic kinda.

It stinks that words have that much power. That they can pull all the happiness and hope I had for so long right out from under me.   Words don't change reality, how can they change the way I see it?

[Shantel]

Somebody close to me was having a bad day yesterday and said some things to me that made me feel pretty much worthless even though I don't think she actually meant it.  Now, not only did it affect me yesterday, but today I still feel depressed and it's going to probably continue for a while.  I can't remember the last time I felt this way or cried because I felt sorry for myself and it makes me feel pathetic kinda.

It stinks that words have that much power. That they can pull all the happiness and hope I had for so long right out from under me.   Words don't change reality, how can they change the way I see it?

Words have great power to make or break people. We in the U.S. don't seem to have a handle on just how much of what we say may do harm to others, crush their feelings and flatten their self esteem. That's why snarky attitudes and mean spirited comments get people banned from this web site.

Jen, one thing you can always do is consider the source and the probable intent of what was said. Often times it's a maturity level thing and the other person is unaware of how hurtful they may have come across to you. There are some who are so self-absorbed that we are just incidental beings who orbit around their planet "Me". Perhaps, this person was having a miserable moment and just took it out on you because you were handy and available to be dumped on. Do yourself a favor and consider the other person's motive and if they come up toxic then it's time to bulldoze them out of your life because you don't need to be treated poorly by anyone. Hope this helps hon!

[Adam (birkin)]

I know it's crappy to face all this, but trust me, this is a really positive step. You can't move in the direction of improvement without seeing everything that needs to be improved. Seeing will lead to fixing.

I think you're right on that one. Thinking about all of this has gotten me feeling pretty terrible, but it's usually in the moments where I feel the worst that the best things come. Hopefully realizing this will give me a push as well...over the last year I've had a few "lows" that last maybe a few days, and I try to do something about it but in some way or another I get cut short.

Our fear then is the result of self perceived failure, each failure seeming like a small crushing death of the dream of who we are. Somewhere within each one of us there comes a time when we have to set our resolve to no longer allow this demon of fear to hold us in it's cruel bondage any longer.

That's really true...and I do agree, I think that we really do live in a world where we try to make people fearful, on large and small scales.

Although I have noticed that I am very quickly working past the fear in my mind, actually. I went from "people are going to laugh in my face", to "it's scary but people's crap couldn't feel as bad as this crippling fear", to "maybe it's not such a big deal." I've been reading up on the internet, and it seems a LOT of cispeople are frequently misgendered. And while it bothers and sometimes frightens them, they simply correct people.

I'm pretty much willing to bet anything I'll be misgendered in the next couple of hours, so we'll see how it goes. -_- I'm going to Walmart to get a 3DS (new Pokemon game in October requires it), and then probably grab some lunch. You know what thought does make me smile? At some point, I'm going to be out with my family and I'll be called "ma'am"...and I will correct that person and tell them I'm a guy. That will feel soooo good lol.

[BunnyBee]

Perhaps, this person was having a miserable moment and just took it out on you because you were handy and available to be dumped on. Do yourself a favor and consider the other person's motive and if they come up toxic then it's time to bulldoze them out of your life because you don't need to be treated poorly by anyone. Hope this helps hon!

I actually know this was exactly the case and I'm not mad at them or anything.  She is normally a very supportive person in my life.  The problem is that those words were said, they still carried their meaning regardless of the circumstances that precipitated them being said, and now I feel this way because of them.  That is the thing that frustrates me, the power words have to warp your perception of reality even though nothing actually changed, and just that I feel this way- that's frustrating too.

[Shantel]

I actually know this was exactly the case and I'm not mad at them or anything.  She is normally a very supportive person in my life.  The problem is that those words were said, they still carried their meaning regardless of the circumstances that precipitated them being said, and now I feel this way because of them.  That is the thing that frustrates me, the power words have to warp your perception of reality even though nothing actually changed, and just that I feel this way- that's frustrating too.

Well from having read a few of your posts and seeing your photos I get the feeling that you are a very sweet girl and don't deserve whatever was said. Let me encourage you to try and change the tape that's being replayed in your head and focus on something more positive and uplifting, it makes no sense to allow yourself to go into a depressed state over something that an hour from now could be gone and forgotten.

[BunnyBee]

I feel better now . Idk why...

[Shantel]

I feel better now . Idk why...

Perhaps its because you have friends here that have nothing but positive and uplifting input to offer you as if we're all extended family members looking out for a younger sister.

[HthrRsln]

Okay, so what made me unhappy today?

This may seem stupid to some people, but I am just beginning transition MTF and I have been growing my scalp hair out for about seven months and it is at an awkward stage where it is not long enough for a pony tail, and too long to look good. It flips out at the collar, and around my ears.

The trouble is I work in a pretty conservative industry in technical sales, so it isn't that my company is going to say anything, but I feel like my conservative customers think I look like a freak, and they are not obligated to do business with me. Customers do business with people they like and that they feel comfortable with.

I really need to get a new job out of sales, but this has always paid pretty well.

I know it probably sounds stupid, but some customer meetings today felt really awkward.

[Lee]

My girl friend broke up with me

[Nero]

I just took some pics and realized how ugly I am. It's not like I didn't know it before... but one can hope as longas they don't see the evidence.

[BunnyBee]

Perhaps its because you have friends here that have nothing but positive and uplifting input to offer you as if we're all extended family members looking out for a younger sister.

Not that young lol, but thank you .  I have learned from this experience that I have picked up some major emotional resiliency that I did NOT use to have over the past few years.  I'm very happy about that.

I just took some pics and realized how ugly I am. It's not like I didn't know it before... but one can hope as longas they don't see the evidence.

I really hope you will learn how to be nicer to yourself.  I don't think you see yourself the way the rest of the world does.  I know I don't see myself correctly.