Had another 'chat' with Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby last night.
We went to a family counselling session on the weekend that left me feeling very distraught. The counsellor (who was supposed to be LGBT-aware) hadn't heard that I'm trans and he addressed me by the wrong name & pronouns. He apologised when we corrected him, but then he continued to use my old name all the way throughout the session, referring to my transition from girlName to boyName. To me, this felt like a violation: it was as if he was validating the old, incorrect identity that my parents had tried to give me when I was mislabelled at birth. I've discarded that 'identity' because it was never my own, and it stung terribly to hear someone attempting to give it some validity.
Also eldest daughter is going through the usual teenage angst and she loves lashing out at me because of it. She lashed out pretty hard during the session and said some awful things. I was very tramatised by it all.
Now we have another session booked in for this coming weekend. I'm toying with the idea of cancelling it because as much as we need to resolve the issues within our family, I'm in far too delicate a state of mind to tolerate being hurt too much again. So last night's long chat was me reminding Hubby how much all this is hurting me and how close to suicide I am. I said I can't allow myself to be abused again but I'm feeling as bad now as I did when my alcoholic stepfather was abusing me as a teenager. But this time, it's my daughter whose emotional abuse is making me feel unwanted, unwelcome and violated.
I honestly don't know what the solution is here. Daughter won't be happy until she's able to attack me as viciously as possible... and that will drive me to my grave. But there's no other way forward than to talk things through, apart from cutting her out of my life until she gains some maturity.
Jeez, hell is indeed other people. Does anyone have a desert island somewhere that I could borrow for a couple of months?
