What made you unhappy today? v2.0

[Shantel]

My therapist, who is usually a nice person first asking me if i want to cut off my penis (it's a little early don't you think "name deleted", besides it is not that simple) and later on laughing at me because in the middle of our jam session i let out a high-pitched squeak (don't know why i let that one out, think i saw something)

Kind of an odd thing for the therapist to say! Is this a gender therapist?

[CalmRage]

Kind of an odd thing for the therapist to say! Is this a gender therapist?

Nope. He's my Asperger and trauma therapist. He's a family friend and it should be no wonder i don't really feel like talking to him about this. He used to accompany me at school and aid me with my books (some Asperger's need that). He's usually a nice person, that was a little weird. And usually he respects my feelings, he saw the way i felt when my parents split, in fact we had a frantic talk that day 5 years ago and basically i became all aggressive and loud. He was patient. I think he saw what a mess that made of me 5 years ago and i'm still coming to terms with the broken family.

My psychiatrist is a gender therapist though and i mailed her for another appointment yesterday. No openings at the moment but she's putting me on the waiting-list. 

[Shantel]

Nope. He's my Asperger and trauma therapist. He's a family friend and it should be no wonder i don't really feel like talking to him about this. He used to accompany me at school and aid me with my books (some Asperger's need that). He's usually a nice person, that was a little weird. And usually he respects my feelings, he saw the way i felt when my parents split, in fact we had a frantic talk that day 5 years ago and basically i became all aggressive and loud. He was patient. I think he saw what a mess that made of me 5 years ago and i'm still coming to terms with the broken family.

My psychiatrist is a gender therapist though and i mailed her for another appointment yesterday. No openings at the moment but she's putting me on the waiting-list. 

Oh thanks for the clarification, I'm familiar with Asperger's sounds like you're doing ok now though huh? Your therapist sounds reall kinda cool, I was wondering but now it makes sense.

[Jam]

I've said this before but it is something that is persistently bothering me know matter how much I try to ignore or get passed it.

I am at a stage where I am starting to feel more comfortable with my body and especially more at peace with myself. I am comfortable enough now to want the intimacy that you can only get with a partner. By intimacy I mean the cuddles, the holding hands, the kissing and deep connection you develop to them. Before I had no desire for this and I honestly just assumed I was just that kind of person who was much happier single.

The truth is I miss having someone who I can be that close to, it's the excitement as well I think of finally being able to say I'm her boyfriend. I have honestly no idea how to meet girls, especially girls who would be accepting of my situation. I keep trying to look, trying to go to new places and I've tried joining some dating websites but tbh I'm having no luck. I should be enjoying myself and my new found inner peace and instead I'm miserable because I want that special girl to share it with =\

[suzifrommd]

Finally reached the 8-week point where I can take the posts out of my newly pierced ears and put something more decorative. I can still only wear posts (no hoops, danglies, etc.) for the first six months so I bought a bunch of decorative posts. First couple of days, I put them on with no problems.

Tonight, I couldn't get the back onto the post, no matter what I did. I just didn't have the dexterity to fit the point into the hole on the back while it was stuck through the ear. After almost an hour of trying and losing two backs, one down the sink and the other heaven knows where, I decided, bugger this. I asked my soon-to-be-ex-wife to help me put the original posts back in. By this time the holes were a bloody mess, so there's an infection concern.

I plan to leave them there for the next four months until I can put other types of earrings in.

[Adam (birkin)]

I had a truly crappy day. Lol. First, I left 2.5 hours early to get to my yearly physical, but because of the floods, the buses and roads were so bad, that when I was meant to be at my appointment, I was stuck in traffic in a crowded, sweaty bus.

Then my brother is mad because his sweater got ruined, apparently it's my fault and I just gave him $40 to pay for it because I don't want to argue over it. but I need that money.

And then I got called ma'am at Walmart after I've been passing well for a while.

[Jam]

I have stomach cramps for the third night in a row, just waiting for the tablets to kick in but I thought I really wouldn't be getting cramps by this point tbh

[CalmRage]

Oh thanks for the clarification, I'm familiar with Asperger's sounds like you're doing ok now though huh? Your therapist sounds reall kinda cool, I was wondering but now it makes sense.

I'm not. This morning i thought "You've got to transition. You can't keep this up much longer." Now i'm confused and unsure again. I can't be deluding myself, can I? I really do feel that way but certain things and mannerisms are uncomfortably masculine and bring me right down. Add to that a giant sense of shame which basically goes like: "What the hell are you thinking?". Who am I?

[Shantel]

I'm not. This morning i thought "You've got to transition. You can't keep this up much longer." Now i'm confused and unsure again. I can't be deluding myself, can I? I really do feel that way but certain things and mannerisms are uncomfortably masculine and bring me right down. Add to that a giant sense of shame which basically goes like: "What the hell are you thinking?". Who am I?

You're hardly alone with those kinds of thoughts, we all go through that! I've been on HRT nineteen years and still have those thoughts.

[CalmRage]

You're hardly alone with those kinds of thoughts, we all go through that! I've been on HRT nineteen years and still have those thoughts.

Especially the way it was triggered. During my break at school, playing guitar and singing several tunes (including Ironic by Alanis Morissette, Sara by Bob Dylan, Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd, All Things Must Pass and My Sweet Lord by George Harrison, I Want To Tell You by the Beatles).

The thing is, my voice sounds rather boyish. It always bothered me, although i did change my entire vocal technique a month ago to regain some of my lost through puberty range. (Low to mid-range with select high-range)

Whenever i do feel a little masculine, i am afraid of never becoming a girl. I know i don't even like many girly things but i can't change the way i feel, can i? Today at one point i wished there was some sort of button to make me into a girl and remove any awkward masculine thoughts and mannerisms which make me feel awful.

[Shantel]

Especially the way it was triggered. During my break at school, playing guitar and singing several tunes (including Ironic by Alanis Morissette, Sara by Bob Dylan, Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd, All Things Must Pass and My Sweet Lord by George Harrison, I Want To Tell You by the Beatles).

The thing is, my voice sounds rather boyish. It always bothered me, although i did change my entire vocal technique a month ago to regain some of my lost through puberty range. (Low to mid-range with select high-range)

Whenever i do feel a little masculine, i am afraid of never becoming a girl. I know i don't even like many girly things but i can't change the way i feel, can i? Today at one point i wished there was some sort of button to make me into a girl and remove any awkward masculine thoughts and mannerisms which make me feel awful.

Once you get on feminizing HRT your brain will begin to swing away from masculine things. For instance, I used to hunt, belonged to a shooting club, have 22 firearms and loads of ammo gathering dust and cobwebs in my gun locker. I am no longer interested in such things.

[CalmRage]

Once you get on feminizing HRT your brain will begin to swing away from masculine things. For instance, I used to hunt, belonged to a shooting club, have 22 firearms and loads of ammo gathering dust and cobwebs in my gun locker. I am no longer interested in such things.

Another weird thing:

I did try one thing on two weeks ago but somehow became afraid and confused for the rest of the day. Yet the wish did not disappear.

I think the fear and almost disgust came from me seeing my disgusting body and of course the shame.

[Shantel]

Another weird thing:

I did try one thing on two weeks ago but somehow became afraid and confused for the rest of the day. Yet the wish did not disappear.

I think the fear and almost disgust came from me seeing my disgusting body and of course the shame.

There is nothing new under the sun, those are typical GID feelings.

[CalmRage]

There is nothing new under the sun, those are typical GID feelings.

Thanks. Weirdly enough a few years ago my disgust of my body was even more pronounced. Then i started neglecting it on purpose.

[FTMDiaries]

The thing is, my voice sounds rather boyish. It always bothered me, although i did change my entire vocal technique a month ago to regain some of my lost through puberty range. (Low to mid-range with select high-range)

Whenever i do feel a little masculine, i am afraid of never becoming a girl. I know i don't even like many girly things but i can't change the way i feel, can i? Today at one point i wished there was some sort of button to make me into a girl and remove any awkward masculine thoughts and mannerisms which make me feel awful.

To me, that not only sounds like typical Gender Dysphoria, but also typical Asperger's. Those of us who are on the autism spectrum can become incredibly uncomfortable or anxious if things don't go the 'correct' way. You know you're a girl, so masculine thoughts and mannerisms feel completely alien and wrong to you. No wonder they're stressing you out.

I, too, get stressed when things are not 100% as they should be. It used to make me question my gender identity if I did anything stereotypically female, such as painting my nails or wearing fluffy socks. But you know what? Life isn't 100% as it should be. So whilst I no longer paint my nails, I do sometimes wear fluffy socks if my feet are cold. I'm in the privacy of my own home, where those socks aren't a threat to my identity. I have every right to do these things - and more - whenever I want... because I am the boss of me, and I know who I am.

[CalmRage]

To me, that not only sounds like typical Gender Dysphoria, but also typical Asperger's. Those of us who are on the autism spectrum can become incredibly uncomfortable or anxious if things don't go the 'correct' way. You know you're a girl, so masculine thoughts and mannerisms feel completely alien and wrong to you. No wonder they're stressing you out.

I, too, get stressed when things are not 100% as they should be. It used to make me question my gender identity if I did anything stereotypically female, such as painting my nails or wearing fluffy socks. But you know what? Life isn't 100% as it should be. So whilst I no longer paint my nails, I do sometimes wear fluffy socks if my feet are cold. I'm in the privacy of my own home, where those socks aren't a threat to my identity. I have every right to do these things - and more - whenever I want... because I am the boss of me, and I know who I am.

Ugh, once again i have no appetite. Another massive weight loss coming up?

Another thing: There are times where i do manage to feel feminine. I feel better when i feel feminine than when i feel male, but usually one look at my body kills that feeling or sometimes even one spoken word.

[CalmRage]

Ugh almost had a nervous breakdown about this earlier this day in front of my classmates. I was sitting in class, feeling extreme anxiety, all hunched over, telling an acquaintance who accompanies me to school "I think i'm about to burst into tears and screaming and you know why."

[King Malachite]

I hate when guys body shame lower surgery.  It's okay to have an opinion about it....heck I do too, but some things are just not appropriate to say out in the open. 

[CalmRage]

So confused. There are times or (if i'm lucky, but rare) days where i feel nothing and then suddenly! wham, deep depressive phase about my gender. Right now for once i don't freak out about my voice which is good since i'm practicing a song.

[CalmRage]

I have to be up in five hours. 

Here's to another day full of fake smiles and extreme anxiety.