My brother says "Mom said something about you yesterday, it's one of the meanest thing she's ever said." So I ask him what it was and he says "No! I'm not telling you because I don't want to get in trouble. I shouldn't have said anything." i told him I don't care because she's said worse, and he says "well, it's up there...so...I shouldn't have said anything, sorry."
And I silently freaked out at him not telling me. I guess I feel like, I want to know all the horrible things my parents say about me to my siblings, as if that will somehow keep me safer. They're not really abusive anymore, but I still feel that very strong need to be "ahead" and know what's going on because I feel like I'll be safer if I know in advance what could be used against me.
I don't know why I bother with my family at all. My grandpa is a flat out jerk, who abuses his wife. My dad is (quite literally, ever since he was a child) a pathological liar. I don't even know who my father is, what he enjoys doing, what he values, because he lies about it all, to everyone. and he doesn't care who he has to hurt or what he has to say to get his way. My mom has improved but she apparently thinks it's appropriate to talk crap about one of your children to the others. My grandma is fine, but of course she is in an abusive relationship and I am sick of seeing her get stepped on and treated like dirt. It certainly did nothing for my own self-image as a female-bodied person, i grew up believing I should be abused as well. My other grandmother is actually stable, and has tried to make steps forward in accepting my transition, but...
Why? When I was in counselling last year, the family stuff kept coming up even when I didn't mean for it to. We barely even spoke about the fact that I was raped when I was a teenager. I feel like having such a dysfunctional family screwed me up mentally and emotionally moreso than a series of rapes.
I hate that I come from this. I want to be a good husband, yet I've grown up around men who are bad husbands. I'm terrified to actually get close to someone and commit to someone, lest I let them down. I'm scared to have kids because I haven't seen any men in my life actually be good fathers. Sure, I know what NOT to do, but that's not enough. It's not enough to say to yourself, "ok, I won't hit my wife, I won't belittle her, I won't control her and emotionally blackmail her." That's the bare minimum. It's also knowing what is the good thing to do.
I've already considered moving out of the city, and maybe this is another reason to do so.
